NEWS: Listerine Introduces A Mouthwash for Wusses

Are you one of those weaklings who can’t stand the burning sensation of Listerine?

Before, you had two options: grow a pair or not use the mouthwash that kills germs and bacteria in your mouth that cause bad breath. But now, probably thanks to your crying and whining, you have another option — Listerine Zero.

Listerine Zero is alcohol free, which makes it less intense and impossible for people to get drunk off of it, but it’s still able to kill millions of bad breath germs in your mouth.

It only comes in a Cool Mint flavor and is available in two sizes: 500 mL and 1 liter.

NEWS: MorningStar Farms Hot And Spicy Veggie Sausage Tries Burning You To Make You Forget It’s Not Meat

It’s fitting to see a company named MorningStar Farms come out with a hot and spicy version of their veggie breakfast sausages, since Morning Star is another name for Lucifer, who likes hot and spicy places.

MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties are seasoned with herbs and spices, like crushed red pepper, red bell peppers, black pepper and cayenne pepper. I’ve had their original veggie sausage patties, which I’ve enjoyed, and their maple-flavored variety, which tastes just like the original ones, and since I likey the spicy, I’ll probably enjoy these.

A box of MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties contains six patties. Each hot and spicy patty contains 70 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 130 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 8 grams of protein.

NEWS: Ben & Jerry’s New Boston Cream Pie Flavor Probably Thinks Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk Is Wicked Retahded

I’ve eaten a lot of fattening foods in my short lifetime, which have probably shortened my lifespan, but I’ve never had a Boston Cream Pie.

When I went to the all-knowing Wikipedia to learn about it, I found out it’s actually a cake.

Or is it? I’m so confused.

Well at least I know for sure the Ben & Jerry’s Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream is ice cream and eating a whole pint in one sitting is wicked retarded. The ice cream is made up of Boston Cream Pie-flavored ice cream with yellow cake pieces, fudge flakes and pastry cream swirls.

A 1/2 cup serving contains 250 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.

NEWS: Vitaminwater Connect Gives Facebook Users Something Appropriate To Spit Out When They Find Out Via Facebook The Ex They Still Think About Is Now Married

Last year, Vitaminwater allowed their Facebook fans to create a new flavor and the result of that is Vitaminwater Connect. The newest beverage from the Coke-owned company is a black cherry-lime flavored water that contains eight “key nutrients” and caffeine. Sadly, none of the ingredients in the beverage were grown via FarmVille.

As with all flavors of Vitaminwater, it contains the obligatory light-hearted copy in all lowercase letters:

“we caught you. no use denying it. your fingerprints are all over this bottle. after connecting on Facebook, you voted on the flavor & designed the label—it was great having you do all the work! and since you’ve been so busy pretending not to notice friend requests for about 3 days, posting pics of events (that you’re still at), and clicking through photos of ‘friends’ you barely know (ever get nervous they can tell?), better crack open this bottle. it’s got 8 key nutrients from vitamin a to zing plus caffeine to give you some extra energy… because based on last night’s pics, it looks like you’ve got some serious untagging to do.”

It won’t be available until March, but you can kill some of that time by playing Mafia Wars or Bejeweled Blitz.

NEWS: New Wanchai Ferry Frozen Meals Make The Freezer Aisle Look A Little More Ethnically Diverse

I <3 Panda Express, but I don’t like the fact that their restaurants close at the unreasonable time of before 10:00 P.M. What if a pregnant woman is craving orange chicken in the middle of the night? What if someone wants some sweet and sour pork after some sweet and sour porking? What if a stoner desires mushroom chicken after smoking some weed and noshing on some shrooms? Thankfully, Wanchai Ferry is here to save us all with their new frozen meals.

I reviewed and enjoyed the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dry Dinner Kit, so I’m looking forward to trying these complete frozen meals that serve two people.

The Wanchai Ferry Frozen Meals come in five flavors: Sweet & Spicy Shrimp, Orange Chicken, Sweet & Sour Chicken, Spicy Garlic Chicken and Shrimp Lomein. Each bag contains the meat, vegetables and starch for a complete meal. Also, according to the image above, they take about 14 minutes to heat up, but I’m not sure if they’re microwaveable, and they contain no MSG.

Encourage Freezer Burns or Heat Eat Review to review them.

NEWS: One of Kashi’s Latest Veggie Pizzas Fails To Keep It Real

Some of the things I think about when it comes to delicious pizza are how unhealthy they are, how greasy they are and what my face looked like when I was 13 years old, but health nutty companies like Kashi and Amy’s are making pizzas a little bit healthier by not topping theirs with meat products. That’s great, but the new Kashi Sicilian Veggie Pizza has gotten me worried because it doesn’t have cheese.

The Sicilian Veggie is a stone fired pizza covered with caramelized onions, grilled eggplant, fire roasted red peppers on top of a balsamic infused white bean tomato sauce. But, again, there’s no cheese.

According to my computer’s dictionary, a pizza is, “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.”

See what it said? Pizza has to have cheese. Because it’s in a dictionary, I believe it to be fact, and my computer’s dictionary doesn’t lie because it has a picture of Spencer Pratt under the definition for “asshole.”

So, technically, the Kashi Sicilian Veggie isn’t a pizza, but Kashi’s other new pizza is one. The Mexicali Black Bean Thin Crust has a whole grain crust topped with a spicy black bean and tomato sauce blend, mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, fire roasted corn, tomatillos, poblano peppers and red peppers.

Now that’s a pizza.

One-third of the Sicilian Veggie has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 530 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber and 11 grams of protein. While a serving of the Mexicali Black Bean has 210 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 560 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 13 grams of protein. Both pizzas also contain 9 grams of whole grains and 340 milligrams of ALA Omega-3s per serving.