REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix

spystix

So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix?

Let see…One…Two…Oh, yeah baby you like that?

(Bow chica. Bow chica.)

You like how I lick it?

You want more, Ms. Angelina Jolie?

Say my name.

Who’s your daddy?

(Tap on shoulder)

What! Don’t bother me while I pretend to make out with Angelina Jolie!

The Spy Stix is phallic?

DAMMIT!

I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE!

When I first saw the commercial for the Tootsie Pop Spy Styx, I thought they were pretty cool. It’s just like Tootsie Pops, except in a stick form and in a neato plastic case. Just slide the candy out with a lever, take a few licks, then slide it in, close the container, and store it for later.

I picked one up from the convenience store down the street and paid $1.35 for it, which is about the same price of THREE regular Tootsie Pops and way more expensive than most of the other candy on the shelf. I figured that if I’m paying that much, I should expect some big things from it.

However, when I opened it up and slid the candy out from the case, I was so disappointed. It was like expecting an iPod for Christmas, but getting a used Spanish dubbed VHS copy of Spice World that also needed to be rewound (It’s the new lump of black coal).

One of the biggest problems with the Spy Stix was the fact I couldn’t eat all of the candy, which there wasn’t much to begin with. The lever doesn’t allow all of the candy to be extended out. So there’s this small bit of candy that you can’t reach and there’s no way I’m sticking my tongue down the case’s opening to try and lick it. Getting my tongue stuck in something is not going to happen again.

Another problem was the neato candy retracting case, which turned out to be not so neato. After taking a few licks of the Spy Styx, I retracted the candy into the case, but it got stuck when I wanted to extend it again for a few more licks. However, after messing with the lever for a few moments, I could extend it again.

Finally, this last problem you already read. It makes a bad replacement for an imaginary girlfriend. Although, it would make a great replacement for an imaginary boyfriend.

Well I guess I’m going to have to stick with making out with my pillow for now.

The Tootsie Pop Spy Stix is such a horrible product that I’m going to give it the Impulsive Buy’s first-ever ZERO RATING.

Take that for messing up my pretend make out session with Angelina Jolie!

Item: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix
Purchase Price: $1.35
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Retractable candy in convenient flip top case.
Cons: Waaay overpriced. Sometimes candy is hard to retract. Packaging makes it hard to eat all of it. Bad replacement for imaginary girlfriend. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix. I guess the world may never know.

REVIEW: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers

Mrs. Butterworth's Little Dunkers

Oh Mrs. Butterworth, you’re such a genius.

You’ve created the PERFECT way to drink syrup.

With your Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers, I can drink your original syrup whenever, wherever, and with whoever I want.

Say! I like Little Drinkers, you know. I like them, me the Marvo. I will drink them in the snow. I will drink them with the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. I will drink them on New Year’s Eve 2004. I will drink them with a French whore. I will drink them while I shave. I will drink them on Dr. Atkins’ grave. I do so like Little Drinkers, you know! Thank you! Thank you, me the Marvo!

So no more carrying around a syrup bottle and women asking me, “Is that a syrup bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Um…It’s a syrup bottle. You aren’t THAT pretty.

Another problem I had with carrying around a whole bottle was that it’s hard to keep track of how much syrup I drank. Take one swig, then take another, and before you know it, I’ve consumed half the bottle and I’m bouncing off the walls like Andy Dick on cocaine.

With these Little Drinkers, I can have controlled two-ounce doses of syrup. It’s like taking a shot of syrup.

Quarters anyone?

Also, with these Little Drinkers, it’s easier to get every last drop of syrup. All I have to do is just lick the cup. With a bottle it’s hard to lick anything, unless you enjoy getting your tongue stuck in the bottle.

Oh, crap! I just looked at the packaging again.

It’s Little Dunkers.

All this time I thought it was Little Drinkers.

Holy crap! I guess I really have been consuming waaay too much High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Item: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Dunkers
Purchase Price: $2.50 (Six-Pack)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Convenient. Easier to drink and to dunk. Easier than a bottle to carry.
Cons: You pay for portability. I need to cut back on the High Fructose Corn Syrup.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

McDonald's Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

  1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
  2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
  3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

When I first heard about it, I REALLY wanted to try the new Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but there were two reasons why I didn’t:

1. There isn’t a Hardee’s anywhere here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

2. I don’t think I have the balls to consume it. (Come on. 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium would scare many people and make vegans faint.)

Addicted Impulsive Buy reader Aymie asked if I was going to review it, however I told her the previously mentioned reasons why I couldn’t.

A few weeks later, another addicted Impulsive Buy reader, Aymie’s Mom (Who REALLY is Aymie’s mom) told me about her husband’s review of the Monster Thickburger.

I was instantly jealous of him.

Sure the best way I could try to outdo him was to combine two McDonald’s Big Macs, but if I did that I would still be short 200 calories, 40 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, and 600 milligrams of sodium.

You’ve won this battle TheShu, but if McDonald’s ever creates the Quadruple Big Mac, the war will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Well to help me overcome the sadness of not eating a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I decided to try the new Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich, with its chicken breast, Swiss cheese, and two slices of ham, in between toasted sourdough bread. (Sacre blu! I know, you French-heads. It should be cordon blu. Don’t yell at me, yell at Jack.)

Despite the plastic looking Swiss cheese (check out the picture), it was pretty good. Sure it’s ONLY got 555 calories, a paltry 28 grams of fat, a tiny 100 milligrams of cholesterol, and a modest 1335 milligrams of sodium, but I think it’s one of the tastier fast food chicken sandwiches I’ve had. It’s sure better than this one.

I wonder if Hardee’s will come out with a Monster Chicken Thickburger.

Item: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: No heart attack. Tasty. Ham. Sourdough bread.
Cons: Pricey. Not enough calories, fat, cholesterol, or sodium, or in other words, it’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger. Name may upset the French.

REVIEW: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch

kazaam

I’m really skeptical about anything named Kazaam.

I blame it on the 1996 movie starring professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal called ”Kazaam”. It took away 90 minutes of my life that I will never EVER get back. It took away $6.50 that I’ll never see again. It also made me start my mental list called “Movies I Can’t Believe I Fricken’ Sat Through.”

“Kazaam” was in the number one spot for several years, until it was replaced in 2003 by the American Idol flick “From Justin to Kelly.”

Damn, the things I’d do for a woman.

The Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch are basically a chocolate dip away from being a Kudos Bar, with its granola, rice krispies, and chocolate chips. I happened to get my hands on the caramel one, but they also come in cookies & cream and rainbow chip.

They’re good. They’re sweet. They’re crunchy. They’re glorified granola bars.

Remember when granola was only eaten by dirty hippies who didn’t believe in deodorant.

I do.

Damn, dirty hippies!

Anyway, each box comes with eight bars and I went through all eight in two days. So they must be really good or I’m so bored that I have nothing else better to do than eat a box of Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch and watch Oprah.

So there are three things I want you to remember from this review: (1) Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch is good. (2) Shaquille O’Neal’s “Kazaam” is bad. (3) Hippies should use deodorant.

Item: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Waaay better than the movie Kazaam. Granola is no longer for just dirty hippies.
Cons: Sort of like a Kudos Bar. Damn hippies!