You know how when you feel shitty and you want to get yourself in the fetal position, put on something starring Ryan Gosling and cradle a carton of ice cream? That’s not me. In fact, I kind of find ice cream boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional soft serve vanilla (with rainbow sprinkles) or spumoni, but ice cream just normally doesn’t do it for me. To be honest if I am feeling a bit down, the idea of planting myself on the couch and eating ice cream sounds dreadful and suffocating.

However, like all things in life, the universe and everything…there is always an exception. How else to explain that Jesus Jones still has a recording contract? Two men who are probably the Antichrist (or at least Gozer and Vigo from Ghostbusters) are Ben and Jerry. You see I cannot help myself when it comes to their ice creams.

I have to say most of their flavors are consistently good. I have eaten their tried and beloved ones like Cherry Garcia to some oddball varieties like Late Night Snack. I cannot think of one I really disliked except Boston Cream Pie, but that’s totally my fault. I don’t like Boston cream pie but for some sadomasochistic reason I bought it.

It is an understatement to explain how ecstatic I was when I found Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor. Where were you during the sullen holidays? It doesn’t matter. I grabbed one of the few remaining pints and ran to the checkout lane. I haven’t been this excited since I found out my wife may be deported.

Brushing off the frost that has collected, I smiled to no one in particular and let it sit out exactly twelve minutes. These scant minutes will allow the ice cream to have the perfect consistency where it should slightly give as the spoon cuts into it smoothly. When that buttery richness slowly goes down your throat, it is ninth level of bliss. The only thing I can compare this to is a longing kiss from someone you love who is NOT a mail order bride, the first sip of a cold and floral gin martini or looting that ubersword with 1,500,003 hit points in Diablo II. It is obvious that my expectation for Ben & Jerry’s are set very high.

I am happy to say that Pumpkin Cheesecake exceeds it enough where I want to eat the whole pint. Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream comes complete with swirls of graham crackers. Ben & Jerry, as usual do a great job of incorporating all of its ingredients. Each spoonful is a harmonious symphony of all its flavors to recreate the taste of eating a pumpkin cheesecake.

Immediately, the taste of slight cinnamon from the graham cracker crumbles makes its presence. The texture is so pleasant since the “crust” is actually a fine powder. This mixes very well with the rich cream. The graham crackers hit your taste buds hard but leave immediately like a shank to your back for not sharing your toilet bowl moonshine.

Here is what Ben & Jerry’s does so well. The cinnamon flavor quickly fades off into the rich and creamy taste of the pumpkin cheesecake. The flavors are so thoughtful. You taste the pumpkin pie before the recognizable taste of cheesecake takes over and finally sends you off to another spoonful. The ice cream itself is dense, creamy and buttery but I wouldn’t expect otherwise. It’s like a well-choreographed burlesque show, sure there’s boobies but you’re captivated by the music as well as the dance.

The ingredients, as always, are of high quality. The great thing about the cheesecake is it doesn’t have that off-putting cream cheese taste some cheesecakes are prone to have. That’s a sign of quality cheesecake and only emphasizes that this ice cream, while is sweet can also be a bit savory. You can just feel the pounds adding on that will later be filled with remorse as you weigh yourself. But wasn’t it worth it? Hell yes, sweat pants are cheap anyhow.

My only complaint is the pumpkin taste could be more intense. I felt that the cheesecake part sometimes would override the pumpkin depending on my spoonful but that is a minor quibble. Ben & Jerry are very good at balancing flavor with that seductive texture we all love about ice cream. This limited batch is no exception.

So on a shit day when everything goes wrong, would I find myself on the couch burying myself with ice cream and Ryan Gosling? No, unless you have Blue Valentine or Drive playing. However, I probably would still find myself clutching a glass of cognac while unfurling the West Elm or Pottery Barn catalogs to wind down, but Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream would come in at a close second.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 290 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
Price: $3.59
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Publix Supermarket (the one where there’s a Publix liquor shop next to it so I can buy pork rinds and rum in one shopping trip.)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Even the most petulant towards ice cream may smile at this one. It is buttery, creamy, dense and seductive. The texture is as good as the flavor. Jesus Jones was ahead of its time in the nineties, especially the Perverse album. The ice cream is exactly what you expect it to taste like, freakin’ Pumpkin Cheesecake! Ryan Gosling’s Drive (and I admit Crazy Stupid Love).
Cons: This is a limited Batch and being after the holidays, it may even more difficult to hunt down. The pumpkin flavor could be a bit stronger. Jesus Jones hasn’t aged well today but you cannot deny wanting to sing along to “International Bright Young Thing.” Ryan Gosling’s The Notebook, I laugh uncontrollably during the dementia scenes which makes me an asshole.