Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Burger King Chicken Fries

Marvo 60 Comments

BK Chicken Fries

Sometimes there are ideas that when I first hear about them, I say to myself, “That’s a really good idea.”

But then when I’m sober and I actually see the product, I take back what I said and replace it with something like, “Dammit! I can’t believe I’m wearing men’s capri pants! Damn you, vodka! Damn you!”

Well, it happened to me again with these new Burger King Chicken Fries, which are thin strips of all-white meat chicken breast coated with a seasoned batter.

Damn you, vodka! Damn you!

When I read about them a few months ago, I thought that it was a really great idea, because I imagined that Burger King would take the same sleeves they use for their regular french fries and just fill them with chicken fries instead.

Unfortunately, just like all my imaginations that involve me being a ceiling mirror at the Playboy Mansion, what I imagined the chicken fries were, didn’t come out the way I had hoped.

Instead of a heaping of chicken fries, I had the option of having either a six-piece snack pack or a nine-piece “value” meal, which I decided to purchase. Although, after seeing what the chicken fries looked like, I’d suggest you avoid the “value” meal, because it wasn’t much of a value.

Each chicken fry was a little thicker than BK’s regular french fries, roughly three inches long, and depending where your mind is at, they look like either skinny fried mozzarella sticks or fried tampons.

The BK Chicken Fries comes with a buffalo sauce, which I thought wasn’t bad and tasted better than the buffalo sauce I got with the McDonald’s Chicken Selects I reviewed last year. You can also replace the buffalo sauce with either a barbeque, honey mustard, sweet and sour, or ranch sauce.

Probably the most impressive part of the BK Chicken Fries was the container they came in. Just like the Transformers, this container had more than meets the eye. It had a lid that folds back and creates a place to hold the container of buffalo sauce, as you can see in the picture above.

The container was also designed to fit into your car’s cup holder, so that you can eat while driving, talking on the phone, and yelling stuff at your rowdy kids, like “Be quiet!” or “You were all mistakes!”

I would’ve tried eating them in my car, but I was afraid of getting buffalo sauce on my new red and black leopard print car seat covers.

Grrrowl!

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the BK Chicken Fries. With them being so skinny, receiving only six or nine pieces made them seem overpriced. Plus, with so little chicken in each fry, it seemed like each fry only contained the seasoned batter.

However, I really did like the ingenuity of the container they came in and I now believe that chickens have another fate to look forward to that isn’t as embarrassing as becoming chicken nuggets.

Item: Burger King Chicken Fries
Purchase Price: $4.59 (9-piece value meal)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Buffalo sauce was decent. Nifty container made for those who like to eat on the go. Better fate for chickens than becoming chicken nuggets. Vodka.
Cons: Value meal wasn’t much of a value. Only six or nine pieces. Not much chicken in each fry. Looked like a fried tampon. Men wearing capri pants. Vodka.

Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

Marvo 31 Comments

Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

Ahh! Summertime.

It’s a time when you can sit on your porch swing at night with a cold, tall glass of homemade lemonade and look at the constellations in the sky, listen to the crickets chirp, and bitch about how frickin’ hot it is.

It’s a time when the mercury in the thermometer rises straight up, like it’s just taken a couple of Viagra. It’s so hot, even Kevin Federline sweats while sitting on the couch and staring at the television all day.

To beat the heat, there are many things we could do.

For example, we could play with a Slip ‘N’ Slide. It’s a great way to cool down, except when you get caught by your neighbors for using their water spigot or when you get chafed nipples from all the sliding.

Another great way to cool down would be to go to the beach or swimming pool, which are crowded this time of year. You can get instant cooling satisfaction by jumping into the water. Of course, this is great until you hit a warm spot in the water, which makes you wonder if it’s warm because of the sun or because all the little kids are peeing in the water.

Perhaps the best way to cool down, without fear of chafed nipples or little kids peeing in the water, is to drink something cold. Fortunately, Jack in the Box has brought out Jack’s Root Beer Float, made with Barq’s Root Beer and “real vanilla ice cream.”

Why is “real vanilla ice cream” in quotes?

You’ll read why later, but it’s sort of like the reason why “straight” is always in quotes when people write about Tom Cruise.

Recently, it’s been getting into the low 90s, and I’ve been feeling the heat. I would’ve brought out the Slip ‘N’ Slide, but my nipples were chafed from (insert your imagination here). Instead, I decided to drive to the nearest Jack in the Box and pick up their Root Beer Float.

I decided to use the drive-thru, because I ain’t steppin’ outside.

When I got to the drive-thru window, I could see them making my Root Beer Float. First, they put in the “real vanilla ice cream,” which unfortunately was the sort of fake, comes-in-a-bag soft-serve vanilla ice cream. It’s the same stuff Jack in the Box uses for their milkshakes, which isn’t very dense, so it melts pretty quickly and it’s smarter than me.

Next they added the root beer, which thankfully was Barq’s Root Beer, one of my favorites.

When I received it, the ice cream remained at the bottom, which, if you’re familiar with root beer floats, was where it shouldn’t have been. After flicking the cup a couple of times, the ice cream quickly rose to the top, proving once again the saying, “Cream always rises to the top, except when the creme is used to get rid of zits or herpes.”

After drinking the Jack in the Box Root Beer Float, I have to say that I wasn’t very impressed with it. It was decent, but anyone could make a better one at home.

Plus, they didn’t even give me a frickin’ spoon.

Item: Jack in the Box Root Beer Float
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Decent. Barq’s Root Beer. Cup has a red racing stripe.
Cons: Uses soft serve ice cream. No frickin’ spoon. I can make a better one at home.

REVIEW: Subway Club Salad

Marvo 37 Comments

Subway Club Salad

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Four of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Thank goodness the week is almost done, because my body has been acting strange with all of these vegetables. I actually had green poop yesterday. Anyway, here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

Subway is known for making their sandwiches fresh, turning Jared Fogle into a celebrity, and giving adolescent boys another opportunity to snicker when they hear the words “foot long.”

They are also known for their Sandwich Artists, which we all know is just a nice term for “the person behind the counter.” Armed with fresh baked bread, fresh ingredients, disposable gloves, a bread knife, and possibly, tender loving care, Sandwich Artists will create your sandwich they way you like it.

However, I wasn’t in Subway for a sandwich, I was there for a salad.

I ordered a Subway Club Salad, which according to the Subway website, was supposed to contain roast beef, turkey breast, ham, chopped iceberg lettuce, baby spinach, red onions, tomatoes, cucumber slices, green pepper strips, black olive slices, and carrots.

However, the Subway Sandwich Artist apparently was also a Subway Salad Artist and instead of automatically putting in the ingredients listed on the website, she asked me what kind of vegetables I wanted. At first, I was surprised by this, but I eventually began to go down the list: Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, etc.

The same vegetables they use in the sandwiches are the same ones used in the salad. Unfortunately, they didn’t have baby spinach. As for the roast beef, turkey, and ham, the slices were just slapped on top of the vegetables.

Now I don’t know if my Subway Salad Artist was going for an abstract look with my salad, but it did have it with the round tomato slices and the oblong slices of meat. I wondered if she was trying to create a harmonious arrangement of colors representing life with the salad, or if she was trying to say, “I hate my job as a Subway Sandwich/Salad Artist.”

After my Subway Salad Artist was done, I quickly realized I had just ordered a six-inch Subway sandwich without a bun, or “Atkins style” for you low-carb folks. Oh yeah, speaking of Atkins, I ended getting the Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing to put on top of my salad.

So basically, this salad was a six-inch Subway sandwich, without the bun, and it was the same price as a foot long sandwich. Heh, heh, heh…Foot long.

I felt ripped off.

Eating the salad made me feel even worse. There was way too much iceberg lettuce, which again, has even less nutritional value than David Blaine has magical powers. Also, the salad dressing had that typical Atkins taste, and I use the term “taste” loosely.

I think I’ll just stick to Subway sandwiches from now on.

Item: Subway Club Salad
Purchase Price: $5.89
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Made fresh. Made your way.
Cons: Very pricey. Too much iceberg lettuce. High-sodium. Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing was weak.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad

Marvo 48 Comments

McDonald's Fruit & Walnut Salad

Where are your balls, McDonald’s?

Hardee’s comes out with the Monster Thickburger, Burger King releases the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and you introduce the Fruit & Walnut Salad?

It’s like Cadillac introducing a bigger, eight-door Escalade with spinning wheels, Hummer selling a heavier, boxier H3 with tank tracks, and Ford coming out with another Pinto.

The combination of apple slices, red grapes, candied walnuts, and low-fat yogurt dipping sauce was pretty decent, but where’s the gluttony?

I know you’re trying to be more healthy, but couldn’t you have tried to make it overly healthy?

You could’ve made it the Xtreme Fruit & Walnut Mammoth Salad, which would contain insane amounts of things that are good for you, like dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals.

I’m not talking about one sliced apple, a handful of grapes, a small airplane snack-sized bag of candied walnuts, and a small cup of fat-free yogurt that I got with the regular Fruit & Walnut Salad.

I’m talking about a whole bushel of apples, enough yogurt to dip your head into, enough red grapes to make your own bottle of wine, and enough nuts to prevent the lemmings from jumping into the ocean.

All of that in a deep, gigantic bowl that just barely fits through the drive-thru window and makes your automobile tip over like the slab of dinosaur ribs does during the ending credits of the Flintstones.

All of that has to contain enough dietary fiber to make my bowel movements so irregular that I might need adult diapers, enough calcium to make my bones stronger than adamantium, and enough antioxidants to make me feel like I could survive a few years of living a hardcore rockstar lifestyle with excessive booze, drugs, and women.

Also, why are there only two types of fruit in the Fruit & Walnut Salad? If a Monster Thickburger can have several slices of cheese, why can’t the Fruit & Walnut Salad have several types of fruit? Maybe some mangoes, lychee, pears, cantaloupes, and strawberries.

Anyway, despite the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad not being gluttonous enough, it was a decent meal. The candied walnuts are what really makes this salad tasty, so if you’re allergic to nuts, I’d suggest you pass on the Fruit & Walnut Salad, unless you’re feeling dangerous.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re allergic to nuts and are feeling dangerous, The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any allergic reaction caused by you feeling dangerous.)

Item: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad
Purchase Price: $3.29
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Healthy. Good source of dietary fiber. Low sodium. Better tasting and looking than a Ford Pinto.
Cons: Tastes better with walnuts, which is bad for those who are allergic to them. Weak variety of fruits. Not enormous, monster, or gluttonous enough. Not overly healthy.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Marvo 32 Comments

McDonald's Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

  1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
  2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
  3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.