REVIEW: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco

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Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker

I wanted to ask the slightly above minimum wage earning person behind the Taco Bell counter if I could buy a large container of their nacho cheese sauce.

I didn’t ask because I wanted to be a dick, I asked because if all it takes is their nacho cheese sauce to magically come up with new menu items, like turning their Double Decker Taco into a Cheesy Double Decker Taco, then I’d rather to do it myself. I could also use it as a prop to act out what I imagine the Taco Bell new product brainstorming session was like when the Cheesy Double Decker Taco was created.

Taco Bell Executive #1: We need a new product for next month and I need it right now. And I need it to be good.

(Rumbling among the other executives)

Taco Bell Executive #2: How about we offer the Crunchwrap Sandwich, which has a generous helping of seasoned carne asada steak, sour cream, and refried beans in between two Crunchwraps The tagline for it can be, “Your mind has to wrap around it before your mouth does.”

Taco Bell Executive #1: That’s a horrible idea. Are you trying to kill our customers? Let me ask, are you high right now?

Taco Bell Executive #2: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #2 giggles)

Taco Bell Executive #3: I got it. Since we’ve done a red taco shell and a black taco shell, how about we make a blue taco shell and use it for a shrimp taco. It’ll look like the shrimp are swimming in water.

Taco Bell Executive #1: Really? Lemme guess. You just watched Avatar again, and you’re probably high too?

Taco Bell Executive #3: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #3 giggles and then high fives Taco Bell Executive #2)

Taco Bell Chihuahua: Yo quiero Milkbone Crunchwrap Supreme.

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

Taco Bell Bell: DONG!

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

(Taco Bell Executive #1 rolls her eyes.)

Taco Bell Executive #1: All right. We’ve got a lot of this nacho cheese sauce, so let’s just squirt some of it into our Double Decker Taco and call it the Cheesy Double Decker Taco. Are you all okay with that?

(Other Taco Bell executives nod to approve)

Taco Bell Executive #1: Good.

Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker 2

Taco Bell’s original Double Decker Taco is my favorite Taco Bell menu item and was the number one cause for my Freshman fifteen in college. The combination of a warm, soft flour tortilla, filled with refried beans, wrapped around a taco that contains seasoned beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and shredded lettuce gets my heart to beat quickly, although that could just be from the sodium. Combining the nacho cheese sauce with the refried beans obviously adds a lot more cheesiness, and that was nice. However, I didn’t find it to be better than the original, but I did think it’s just as tasty as a regular Double Decker Taco

While I didn’t think the nacho cheese sauce makes it better, I do think it makes it several times messier than the original Double Decker. Alone, the viscosity of the refried beans is high, but when combined with the nacho cheese sauce, it significantly lowers it, causing refried beans and cheese sauce to ooze out from in between the taco shell and tortilla when you bite into it. If you’re eating the taco with the wrapping it came in below you, you’ll find yourself scooping up escaped refried beans and cheese from it.

Overall, I liked the Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco, but that’s mostly because of my love for the original. Sure, it’s not very inventive and a monkey with a picture book of ingredients could develop something better, but if you think about it, it’s what we expect from Taco Bell. Personally, I think not straying too far creatively is the reason why when they introduce something a little more outside of the box, perhaps a blue shell taco, it blows our minds a little more than it should.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 taco – 350 calories, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco reviews:
We Rate Stuff
Smidview
Random Dude Eats Random Food

Item: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 taco
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Just as good as a Double Decker Taco. Nacho cheese sauce brings on the cheesy. Provides 8 grams of fiber — thanks beans! I <3 Double Decker Tacos. Pretending to hold a Taco Bell new product brainstorming session.
Cons: Nacho cheese sauce makes it messier than a regular Double Decker Taco. Not inventive. A monkey with a picture book of ingredients could come up with something better.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks (Pepperoni & Cheese and Cheeseburger)

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Dunkin' Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks

For those of you who have busy Mondays, here’s a short review, in haiku form, of the Dunkin’ Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks:

Like bad Hot Pockets
Less filling, blander tasting
Same burns in my mouth

For those of you who are looking to waste some time on Monday, stick around for further elaboration (and rest assured that it will be elaborate).

I believe it was Tolstoy who once wrote, “Tasty fast food items are all alike; every crappy fast food item is crappy in its own way.” To this principle I must add a corollary which shall forevermore be known as the Stuffed Breadsticks Corollary: “… but some crappy fast food items are crappy IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.”

Dunkin’ Donuts is offering their newest concoction in two flavors, Pepperoni & Cheese and Cheeseburger. Both varieties of Stuffed Breadsticks had very little stuffing, and all the tiny chunks of meat had slid down to the bottom of the breadsticks by the time I started eating. To set up the second photo, I had to dig around the breadsticks with my fork like I was trying to reach the fruit at the bottom of a yogurt container.

Dunkin' Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks Innards

I ate multiple bites of only bread before reaching any meat. The bread was tasteless, too chewy, weirdly pale where it hadn’t been toasted, and droopy to the point of shape-shifting. So it failed on the dimensions of taste, visual presentation, texture, and even shape, which hadn’t struck me as a significant feature of bread until just now. (Now that we’re heading off on a tangent, what would you say are the best and worst shaped breads? After careful consideration, I would nominate Challah bread as the best and – you guessed it – these breadsticks as the worst.)

Things didn’t get any better once I finally got to the stuffing. The Cheeseburger breadstick supposedly contained ground beef, cheese, and mustard, but all these ingredients were so bland that I couldn’t really taste anything. If I had to pick one taste sensation that I felt, I’d say there was a sort of sweetness to the filling. That doesn’t speak very well to Dunkin’ Donuts’ ability to recreate the taste of a cheeseburger; I’d estimate that I’ve said “Sweet, cheeseburgers!” (interjection to express excitement over anticipated cheeseburger consumption) roughly a million more times than I’ve said “sweet cheeseburgers” (descriptive phrase to communicate actual flavor of previously consumed cheeseburgers).

The Pepperoni & Cheese breadstick was definitely the better tasting of the two, but that’s about as much of an accomplishment as being the most useful poopy-flavored lollipop, or being the most entertaining re-appropriated Ben Stiller movie quote, or being the TIB writer who uses the fewest commas. The pepperoni pieces look and taste exactly like the meat in pepperoni Hot Pockets. They add a certain zest to the breadstick’s overall flavor, but the cheese and sauce contributed nothing to the eating experience except the burning destruction of my mouth.

Even the price was crappy. With each Stuffed Breadstick costing $1.79, two breadsticks and a small iced tea will run you over $5, which is enough to get you a much heartier and tastier combo from any number of fast food restaurants, Dunkin’ Donuts itself included.

In case I haven’t made myself clear yet, here’s another haiku to wrap things up:

These Dunkin’ Donuts
Breadsticks fail in taste, look, cost
DON’T GET THEM, EVER.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stuffed breadstick – Pepperoni & Cheese – 210 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein. Cheeseburger – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 400 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks (Pepperoni & Cheese and Cheeseburger)
Price: $1.79 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin Donuts
Rating: 1 out of 10 (Cheeseburger)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Pepperoni & Cheese)
Pros: Pepperoni pieces were sort of tasty. Haikus. Challah bread. “Sweet, cheeseburgers!” as interjection.
Cons: Not much stuffing in either Stuffed Breadstick. Bread was bland. Cheeseburger stuffing was bland. Pepperoni & Cheese stuffing burned my mouth. Kind of pricey. “Sweet cheeseburgers” as descriptive phrase. Poopy-flavored lollipops.

REVIEW: IHOP Chicken & Waffles

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IHOP Chicken & Waffles

As someone who has never had chicken and waffles from one of the many establishments noted for their chicken and waffles dish, you may think I’m not the best person to review IHOP’s Chicken & Waffles.

However, I’ve watched enough shows on the Food Network and Travel Channel to know what makes a good plate of chicken and waffles. And, as someone who once combined a Cinnabon cinnamon roll with a flame-broiled Burger King Whopper patty to create a monstrosity called the CinnaWhopper, I feel I’m qualified to judge foods that combine sweet and savory.

Traditionally, chicken and waffles include fried chicken breasts and waffles topped with butter and syrup. IHOP’s bastardized version takes away the fried chicken breasts, replaces it with four boneless chicken tenders; includes four wedges of Belgian waffles with a container of butter; and adds a little something something called honey mustard dipping sauce.

Now, the honey mustard sauce is a strange addition, and it’s the more bastardizing part of the dish. I don’t think any of the chicken and waffles places featured on television shows hosted by a chubby guy with bleached spiked hair or a chubby guy with a Brooklyn accent include any dipping sauces with the dish. Traditionally, the dish is enjoyed by combining a bite of the fried chicken with a bite of syrup and waffles, hence the sweet and savory. The honey mustard sauce would throw a curve into that.

I can only come up with two reasons why IHOP included the dipping sauce: 1) It gives people an out to those who try the dish and don’t care for the sweet and savory combination. 2) Their chicken tenders suck, and not even the addition of waffles and syrup could make them remotely tastier.

Well, it’s probably a combination of the two. The breaded and lightly seasoned chicken tenders look and taste like something I could get from Banquet in the frozen food aisle. The chicken tender’s exterior was crispy, but interior ended up being a little dry.

Before I could taste the sweet and savory combination of chicken and waffles, I had to choose from IHOP’s array of syrups. I chose to be old fashioned and use their Old Fashioned syrup, which is probably made in a non-old fashioned way. I’m not sure exactly how it’s made, but it probably involves large machines that people who do make syrup the old fashioned way wish they had.

Based on what I’ve seen on television about the chicken and waffles dish, IHOP’s Chicken & Waffles probably doesn’t come close to being as delicious as what one can get at a dining establishment, like Gladys Knight and Ron Winans’ Chicken & Waffles. However, as the bastardization of the amalgamation of chicken tender, waffle, and syrup, I thought IHOP’s Chicken & Waffles could’ve been much better.

The size of the chicken tenders and waffles wedges are equal enough that you can have a bite of chicken with a bite of waffles and not have to worry about either of them running out before the other does. The flavor of the chicken with the waffles and syrup does create an adequate sweet and savory flavor, but I wish the chicken’s seasoning was a little stronger. Or, perhaps, it lacks the greasiness that regular fried chicken has, because you know what they say about grease, “Grease makes us obese, but the right release of grease makes taste increase.” I also had high hopes for the waffles, after all, IHOP knows breakfast. However, they had a not-so-crispy exterior, a fluffy interior, and they were a little bland. Thank goodness for their Old Fashioned syrup.

Since I have a curious soul, and I occasionally enjoy messing with my taste buds, I decided to combine the chicken, waffles, syrup, and honey mustard sauce into a culinary clusterfuck. The result? It definitely doesn’t make it better. It also definitely doesn’t make me gag, but the flavor is a bit odd.

IHOP’s Chicken & Waffles can probably match the caloric value of a real plate of chicken and waffles from somewhere like Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles with its 1,110 calories. However, it could never equal Roscoe’s tastiness. I know. It’s a bastardized version of the dish, but I really wish it wasn’t, because it makes real chicken and waffles look bad.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website, but we do know it contains 1,110 calories.)

Item: IHOP Chicken & Waffles
Price: $8.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: IHOP
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Adequate sweet and savory flavor. Allows people around the country to try chicken and waffles, even though it’s a bastardized version of it. Crispy exterior on the chicken tenders. The right release of grease makes taste increase. Old Fashioned syrup. Includes a lot of butter.
Cons: A bastardized version of chicken and waffles. Makes real chicken and waffles look bad. Chicken tenders too lightly seasoned and a little dry. 1,110 calories. Waffles were a little bland. The addition of honey mustard sauce was a unusual. The CinnaWhopper. Not having eaten a real plate of chicken and waffles.

REVIEW: Denny’s Maple Bacon Sundae

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Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae

I’ve already written about my love for bacon a couple times on this site, so I’ve had to do more research and solicit more suggestions than usual to get new material for this review. (Friends’ proposed angles included Bacon the card game, Kevin Bacon, bacon-related April Fool’s jokes, and anti-Semitism. I’ve had such bad writer’s block that only one of those suggestions was categorically dismissed… and only because that new Kevin Bacon Google TV commercial really freaks me out.) During my extensive research of bacon, I discovered that, apparently, Bacon-mania is over! Evidently, bacon as national obsession is no longer relevant, interesting, or hip.

And to that I say, GREAT! Now that hipsters and the haute cuisine establishment are “over” bacon, maybe bacon need not be a statement of personality any longer and can once again be consumed simply for one’s own enjoyment. The reclamation of bacon by the Everyman has perhaps reached its completion: Denny’s, that most accessible of rest stop diners, recently introduced a new “Baconalia” menu, with bacon un-ironically added to such everyday items as meatloaf and pancakes.

Denny’s Maple Bacon Sundae is probably the most eyebrow-raising dish on the Baconalia menu; our waitress certainly widened her eyes and expressed some skepticism when we ordered it. But as someone who’s always liked to dip his fries in his Frosties (wow, that sounds oddly dirty), I had no doubt that a bacon, maple syrup, and vanilla ice cream combo could absolutely work. Any concoction that hits so many dimensions – sweet and savory, creamy and crispy and gooey, hot and cold – has a lot of potential.

The Maple Bacon Sundae definitely lived up to my expectations. The first few bites were the tastiest, as the diced bacon was still slightly warm and was layered on top of an even coating of maple syrup. The flavor emerged in two distinct waves. First came the “maple crunch,” where the taste of ice cream and maple syrup was texturally supported by the crunchiness of the diced bacon. Then, as the ice cream began melting away in my mouth, the smoky bacon taste finally shined through. I suppose higher-quality bacon would be more flavorful and allow all three tastes to present themselves at once, but I kind of like having the bacon taste just be a smoky afterthought. You could describe the bacon flavor as the post-coital cigarette of the love-making session that is the ice cream/maple syrup. Or rather, I’ll describe it as such, and you can shake your head and pretend I didn’t just write that.

Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae 2

Maple syrup on its own is actually an underrated topping for vanilla ice cream, and I’d say it’s a viable alternative to chocolate syrup or caramel. But after I made it through the top layer of bacon, I was worried I would be stuck with just syrup and ice cream for the rest of the sundae. Just as I went to go scribble this concern into my notebook, BOOM, I found another layer of bacon! Is there a better surprise in life than surprise bacon? If you just compared eating a bacon sundae at Denny’s to having sex, then no, quite clearly there is not.

I do have two relatively small complaints. Much of the maple syrup was poured into the bottom of the sundae glass, leaving it hard to reach without destroying the structural integrity of the ice cream scoops. Since the density of the syrup causes sinking anyway, it would’ve been better to put more syrup on top and let it slowly make its own way down. Also, some of the bacon pieces were too large and threw the toppings-to-ice cream ratio on my spoon all out of whack. But like I said, these are minor issues.

Altogether, I really enjoyed Denny’s Maple Bacon Sundae, and with this coupon, it’s even more affordable. I would definitely encourage you to try the sundae as well as any other dishes off the Baconalia menu that tickle your bacon fancy. Reclaim bacon for yourself! Vive la Bacon!

(Nutrition Facts – 810 calories, 40 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 97 grams of carbohydrates, 85 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.)

Other Denny’s Maple Bacon Sundae reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Denny’s Maple Bacon Sundae
Price: $2.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Denny’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sundae hits many dimensions (sweet/savory, creamy/crispy/gooey, warm/cold). Maple syrup goes great on vanilla ice cream. Bacon adds crunchiness and smoky second wave of taste. Surprise layer of bacon. Bacon-mania being “over.” Dipping fries in Frosties. Coupons.
Cons: Too much maple syrup at the bottom of the sundae glass. Some bacon not diced small enough. Squeez Bacon not being a real product. Comparing sundaes to sex.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Fruit & Veggie Smoothies (Orange Carrot Karma, Apple ‘n Greens and Berry UpBEET)

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Jamba Juice Fruit & Veggie Smoothies

Fruits are sexy. Vegetables are not.

Think about it. Large breasts on a woman’s chest are also called melons, not cabbages; sex education teachers don’t use carrots or cucumbers to show students how to put on condoms, they usually use bananas; Adam and Eve used fig leaves to cover their naughty bits; and a peach looks like a round, sexy ass in tight red and yellow Spandex.

Since vegetable aren’t sexy, I became concerned when I heard about Jamba Juice combining them with fruits to create their new line of Fruit & Veggie Smoothies. I thought it would make the fruits in them less sexy. Sure, combining the two could be like the pretty girl who surrounds herself with less attractive friends to make her look prettier, but if you think about it, those less attractive friends could also bring her down.

Jamba Juice’s Fruit & Veggie Smoothies come in three flavors. Berry UpBEET combines strawberries and blueberries with the juices from carrots, beets, broccoli and lettuce. Apple ‘n Green brings together apple-strawberry juice with the juice from dark leafy green vegetables, carrots, and lettuce. It also includes spirulina, peaches, mangos and bananas. Finally, Orange Carrot Karma blends carrot juice, orange juice, mangos, bananas and ice.

The Orange Carrot Karma is my least favorite of the three because it doesn’t do a good job of hiding the carrot flavor. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy carrots and beta-carotene as much as the next rabbit, but I wish it wasn’t the most noticeable flavor. The citrus and banana are there, but they’re both too light to make the smoothie taste less carrot-y. Perhaps it’s called Orange Carrot Karma because it’s getting back at me for not eating more vegetables.

If you’ve had Odwalla’s Original Superfood Smoothie, the green one that looks like algae, you’ll be familiar with how Jamba’s Apple ‘n Greens smoothie tastes. The similarity isn’t surprising, since the types of fruits both contain are identical, and both also have the nutrient-rich spirulina. However, Jamba’s Apple ‘n Greens smoothie is lighter in color, which makes it look more like zombie blood. I personally think it tastes better than it looks. The Apple ‘n Green smoothie has an unusual fruity flavor at the beginning, mostly the apple-strawberry juice and banana, and then a sweet leafy vegetable flavor at the back end. The aftertaste might be a little weird for some, but just like the Odwalla Original Superfood Smoothie, I really enjoyed the Apple ‘n Greens smoothie.

Berry UpBEET is the least veggie tasting of the three. However, it doesn’t taste like any of the two berries added to it, blueberry and strawberry. Strangely, the combination of ingredients make it taste like pomegranate. It’s a little tart and there’s not a hint of vegetables, although I don’t think beets have a very strong flavor. It’s my favorite of the three Fruit & Veggie Smoothies, but not by much over the Apple ‘n Greens.

If your doctor says you need to eat more veggies, then these Jamba Juice Fruit & Veggie Smoothies might get you a serving or two, since a 16-ounce serving contains three servings of fruit and vegetables. Since I really enjoyed two out of the three flavors, I guess sexy fruits and not-so-sexy vegetables can go together, sort of like Ralph and Alice, Doug and Carrie, Peter and Lois, Jim and Cheryl, Homer and Marge, and other mismatched sitcom couples.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – Orange Carrot Karma – 180 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 90 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 430% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 90% vitamin C and 6% iron. Apple ‘n Greens – 220 calories, 1 gram of fat, 115 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 40 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 240% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 90% vitamin C and 25% iron. Berry UpBEET – 230 calories, 1 gram of fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 120% vitamin A, 10% calcium, 100% vitamin C, and 10% iron.)

Other Jamba Juice Fruit & Veggie Smoothie reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: Jamba Juice Fruit & Veggie Smoothies (Orange Carrot Karma, Apple ‘n Greens and Berry UpBEET)
Price: $5.00
Size: Original (24 ounces)
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Orange Carrot Karma)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Apple ‘n Greens)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Berry UpBEET)
Pros: Beautiful colors. Good source of vitamins A & C. 3 servings of fruit and vegetables. Berry UpBEET tastes like pomegranate. Apple ‘n Greens tastes like Odwalla’s Original Superfood smoothie. Eating vegetables. Fruits are sexy.
Cons: Orange Carrot Karma was a little too carrot-y. Apple ‘n Greens’ flavor might not appeal to some and it looks like zombie blood. Orange Carrot Karma might be getting back at me for not eating more vegetables. Vegetables aren’t sexy.

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