REVIEW: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

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All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.

I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.

Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.

I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.

Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.

If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.

Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback
Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from marketing firm
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback)
Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.

REVIEW: Pepsi Blue Hawaii

/ / Reviews / 29 Comments

Last summer, Pepsi in Japan introduced the very limited edition Pepsi Ice Cucumber, which sold out in less than a month and helped Japan maintain their title of Country Most Likely Not To Use Focus Groups. This summer, they gave the finger to focus groups again and released the limited-edition, Japan-only, Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

The beverage is based on the Blue Hawaii cocktail, which is made of rum, pineapple juice, blue Curacao, sweet and sour mix, and sometimes vodka. Despite living in Hawaii and being of drinking age for the past decade, I have yet to consume a Blue Hawaii, because I’m allergic to cocktail umbrellas and drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl ready to flash her boobs when a video camera and Joe Francis come by.

The color of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii could best be described as Smurf-like, which makes sense since the idea of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii made me feel the same way I feel about the future Smurfs movie — it’s probably going to suck, but it has a certain allure to it that tickles my smurfs. After tasting it, I have to say that the Pepsi Blue Hawaii isn’t so smurftastic, but it is just a little smurfy.

The pineapple and lemon flavor combination was really smurfing sweet and artificial, especially the pineapple. I really didn’t enjoy it at first, but just like my experience with the Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I got used to its flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. I think its fruity flavor would make it a smurftastic mixer if you want to get totally smurfed off of something blue and can get your hands on some Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

I’m not sure what the smurf is so mutha smurfing appealing to my taste buds with the Pepsi Blue Hawaii, but for some smurfing reason, companies in Japan seem to know how to make smurfing products that sound and look unsmurfy, but in the end, turn out to be kind of smurfy. So I look forward to a new mutha smurfing flavor next summer from Pepsi in Japan. My money is on Pepsi Ice Carrot or Cherry Blossom Pepsi.

(Editor’s Note: TIB would like to thank reader Fury for sending a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii from Japan, along with a bunch of other goodies to review. Domo arigato gozaimasu!)

Item: Pepsi Blue Hawaii
Price: FREE (only available in Japan)
Purchased at: Received from TIB reader Fury
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Just a little smurfy. Comes in a Smurf color. After a few sips, I got used to the flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. Might make a good mixer. Using focus groups. Getting my smurfs tickled.
Cons: Pineapple and lemon flavor was smurfing sweet and artificial. Didn’t like the flavor at first. Available only in Japan. Limited edition. Drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl. Cocktail umbrellas.

REVIEW: Pepsi Ice Cucumber

/ / Reviews / 36 Comments

Apparently, Japan has really huge balls.

It has produced some of the most innovative products available, like fuel-efficient hybrid cars; the Nintendo Wii; robotic dogs; vending machines that dispense beer, fried foods, or used schoolgirl panties; and Japanese ads starring American actors who need a quick buck due to their decline in popularity.

But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

To come up with the idea for Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I’m guessing it took quite a lot of sake, just like it did for all the other crazy ideas for beverages in Japan and this commercial starring Nicholas Cage.

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

Item: Pepsi Ice Cucumber
Price: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.
Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

/ / Reviews / 37 Comments

I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Carol.

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. I think it was Carol’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. I like to think that perhaps Carol liked me too, until she started hanging out with Randy, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Randy a friend, but after I saw him holding Carol’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Carol because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Carol, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Carol before Randy and after Randy. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Carol prior to Randy. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Carol in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Randy.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Carol would find Randy attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Randy would’ve looked like. Sure Randy was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Carol and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Carol’s dimples. Carol’s checkerboard skirt. Carol’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Gets shitty as it gets warm. That shaggy-haired bastard Randy. Mr. Owl.

REVIEW: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla

/ / Reviews / 44 Comments

I think The Impulsive Buy’s number one hater is right, I need to jazz up my life. Here’s what he/she/it wrote to me:

(Editor’s Note: Yes, the hater is real and so is the letter.)

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your pajamas all day fat crusty does nothing but jackoff and eat loser please be so kind and spare the plant another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you respond to this if you have the balls

I know. I know. It’s hard to read the email he/she/it sent to me, so for those of you who don’t understand the language of retarded, let me translate it.

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you. You’re a 30-year-old who sits in your pajamas all day. You’re fat, crusty, and do nothing but jackoff and eat. Loser, please be so kind and spare the planet another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you. Respond to this if you have the balls.

Despite how harsh this douche bag’s letter is, I think he/she/it makes a couple things very clear. (1) Inbreeding is bad. (2) My life is very boring and mundane and I need to “jazz” it up.

So I’ve been thinking about ways to improve my life by doing things beyond the masturbation and eating, which according to he/she/it is all I do. Actually, if I got paid to masturbate and eat all day, I would totally do it, as long as I got free Kleenex.

Anyway, the first thing I would do to possibly jazz up my life is take salsa dancing lessons, because I enjoy shaking my ass…in the mirror…by myself…to Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.” I would also like to take salsa dancing lessons because the instructor would have to partner me up with a woman and when the instructor does, it will be the closest I’ve been with a woman in several years.

The next thing I would do to try and jazz up my boring life is to attempt to get my name into the Guinness Book of World Records. According to my number one hater, I may already have the world record for sitting in my pajamas all day, but unfortunately there was no one here to validate that.

Instead, I think I may try to break the Guinness World Records for the number of pints of Guinness stout consumed within 10 minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool to have the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption and then gain about 20 pounds?

If I’m feeling really lazy, fat, and crusty, I could always just drink some Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla to jazz up my life. After all, it’s got the word “jazz” in its name. Much like alcohol provides me with “liquid courage,” Red Bull gives me “liquid energy,” and Astroglide allows me to have “liquid love,” I thought Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla would provide me with “liquid jazz,” but instead all I got was a good tasting diet soda and lots of gas, since I drank about a liter of it pretty quickly.

It maybe good, but it’s not as good as the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The cherry and vanilla flavors in the Jazz Diet Pepsi were kind of syrupy, making it a little too sweet, but they definitely covered up the usual artificial sweetener taste in most diet sodas.

Well I guess to jazz up my life all I need to do is get out more, but so does some jerkoff who takes the time to write hate emails in a retarded language to some quasi-product review blog editor.

Item: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Price: $1.59 (2-liters)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Free Kleenex. Getting out of the apartment. Astroglide.
Cons: A little too sweet and syrupy. TIB’s number one hater. My boring, mundane life. Writing hate mails in a retarded language. Drinking the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption. Inbreeding.

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