Out of the Big (or Fat Ass) Three in fast food burger joints, Wendy’s has always gone against the grain. Sure, Mickey D’s invented the Happy Meal (aka Here’s some food kid, mommy has a headache Meal) which has been aiding in childhood obesity for thirty years; Burger King prides itself in its flame broiled burgers that you can smell within a ten mile radius even if you are driving in a heavily armored tank; but Wendy’s went a different route.

Instead of marketing to children (or parents who just want to shut their kids up), or pumping their aromas out of their restaurant holes, The Red Headed She-Devil puts random items on their menus like baked potatoes, a discontinued line of deli sandwiches that in Greek translates to “freshit,” and the not quite a shake, but not quite a soft serve ice cream-type concoction know as the Frosty.

For years, Wendy’s only had one type of Frosty — chocolate.

No, not Death By Chocolate or Triple PMS Give Me Some Fucking Chocolate or Madagascar Organic Chocolate, it was simply chocolate. Now, fast food companies (yes, Wendy’s claims it’s “better” than fast food, but let’s be honest here, if you can consume an entire meal while still in the driver’s seat of your shitty, banana yellow 1992 Geo Metro convertible, it’s fast food) realize that people want choices with eye catching names, or ones with pronunciations worse than she sells seashells by the seashore.

The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty is the latter.

Twisted is one of those words that could be used as a slang term. For example, “I was so twisted last night that I think I had relations with that cardboard cutout of Zac Efron.”

Wendy’s went with the traditional use of the word “twisted” in describing their Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty, however they weren’t successful. As you can see in the picture above, there is no twisting going on. It was a minor disappointment since I knew I was going to be engaging my two favorite flavors: coffee and pieces of a Heath or Skor bar.

After popping a Lactaid, I gave it a whirl (or twist). The coffee flavoring was good, but not strong enough and I wish the Heath or Skor pieces were slightly larger, but I guess they want them small enough so you can suck them through a straw.

Just like borrowing the idea of square patties from White Castle, Wendy’s did the same thing with the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty by borrowing the concept from the queen (pun intended) of blended soft serve treats — the Blizzard.

If there was a Pay-Per-View boxing match between the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty and the Heath Blizzard, you should put your money on the Blizzard. Sure, it’s getting up there in age, but it still delivers. It’s larger, has more flavor and it knows it. The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty was good at first, but then it just got sickening and I couldn’t finish it.

But that could also be my gastrointestinal problems.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounce – 540 calories, 20 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 83 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 69 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty
Price: $2.79
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Coffee and Toffee is a good blend. Smelling Burger King from 10 miles away. Seeing a balding man in a banana yellow Geo Metro convertible eating fast food in a parking lot. Heath or Skor. The “Do You Want to Get Frosty With Me” song.
Cons: Way too much saturated fat. 0.5g of the evil trans fat. Needing to carry Lactaid with me at all times. Hooking up with a cardboard cut out of Zac Efron. Small toffee pieces.

Dipping a chicken patty into a sauce like you’re trying to get it to admit it’s a witch sounds like a great way to ensure there’s flavor in every bite, such is the case with the new Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches, but a sauce soaked piece of chicken is also a spectacular way to ruin an $80 shirt from Banana Republic or hide your mistress’ lipstick stain on your collar from your girlfriend/wife.

The Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwich comes in two flavors: BBQ and Buffalo. The BBQ version also consists of onions and pickles inside a bun, while the Buffalo version is also made up of lettuce, tomatoes, and a blue cheese sauce in between a bun. While both mostly have different ingredients, they have one thing in common — both are extremely fucking messy. After eating one, my hands were covered in enough sauce that it looked like I was the one who sensually massaged the sauce onto the chicken patty. A napkin was not enough to clean the mess, I needed a shower. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit, but I did use enough napkins to make an Ent cry.

The chicken patties for both sandwiches may have gotten dipped in sauce like a nerd’s head in a toilet, but the flavors weren’t as strong as I thought it would be. The BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and the Buffalo sauce wasn’t as spicy as Hooters wings. Although, the Buffalo sandwich might not have been too spicy because of the blue cheese sauce, which I didn’t even know it had until I researched the sandwich on the Wendy’s website. The pickles and onions in the BBQ version of the sandwich definitely enhanced its flavor and gave it a little more crunch, while the lettuce and tomatoes in the Buffalo one will allow some people to proclaim they had vegetables today.

Overall, both sandwiches were decent tasting, but I really expected more out of them, not only in taste, but also in size. These sandwiches weren’t very big, but I reckoned them to be because I paid almost five bucks for each of them. Apparently, not only is gas an expensive liquid, but so are BBQ and Buffalo sauces. So I guess I’d better hoard the stuff whenever I order Chicken McNuggets and scrape it off my $80 Banana Republic shirt whenever I spill some on it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Buffalo – 530 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1840 milligrams of sodium, 510 milligrams of potassium, 52 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 26 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 10% Calcium, and 15% Iron. BBQ – 450 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 40 milligrams cholesterol, 1430 milligrams sodium, 450 milligrams potassium, 60 grams carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 15% Iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches (BBQ & Buffalo)
Price: $4.69 each
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 6 out of 10 (BBQ)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Buffalo)
Pros: Decent tasting. Lots of sauce. BBQ one is “healthier” than Buffalo version. Wonderful source of protein. Pickles and onions in BBQ version. Lettuce and tomatoes are vegetables.
Cons: Flavors weren’t as strong as I expected for something that’s dipped in sauce. BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and Buffalo sauce wasn’t very spicy. Blue cheese sauce wasn’t very noticeable. Pricey for what you get. Extremely fucking messy. Making Ents cry. Wonderful source of sodium. Ruining an $80 Banana Republic shirt with sauce. Excessive napkin use. Trying to get a piece of chicken to admit it’s a witch.

After all the rejected advances on women, Fs on my college report cards, cancellation of all the shows Tom Cavanagh has been in, and not achieving my dream of being the The Village People’s leatherman because I could not properly make the letter “C” with my arms, I should be used to disappointment by now. But I am again deeply disappointed by the Wendy’s Spicy Baconator.

I thought the Spicy Baconator would be just as good as the original Wendy’s Baconator with its two hamburger patties, six small strips of bacon, jalapenos, two slices of pepper jack cheese, and chipotle ranch sauce. The jalapenos add a decent amount of heat to the burger, but don’t add any flavor. It’s like Charo without the “Cuchi-Cuchi.”

Wait. Was that too old of a reference?

Anyhoo, without the jalapenos, the burger was pretty bland, not even the chipotle ranch sauce or the bacon could save it, which was disappointing since bacon can usually save anything. Just ask slightly wilted salads, overcooked baked potatoes, and people being chased by cougars or Kirstie Alley.

Oh disappointment! You rain upon me like tears of a little boy who has had their candy taken from them or who have shared a bed with Michael Jackson.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of cholesterol, 1850 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 58 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 15% Vitamin C, 35% Calcium, 40% Iron, and 75% disappointment.)

Item: Wendy’s Spicy Baconator
Price: $6.49 (small combo)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Spicy. Bacon. Wearing leather. Most shows with Tom Cavanagh.
Cons: Disappointing. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Jalapenos don’t add anything to flavor. Bland without the jalapenos. Sauce was lame. Charo without the “Cuchi-Cuchi.” Being chased by Kirstie Alley.

The Wendy’s Baconator has a name usually reserved for those college students who fully take advantage of the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar in the dormitory cafeteria or the wingmen who takes home the fat chicks.

It’s a simple burger that doesn’t have any secret sauces, fancy breads, exotic cheeses, special meats, or vegetables. It’s just two lightly salted quarter pound patties of ground beef, six strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, ketchup, and mayonnaise in between a bun.

In this day and age of Ciabatta bread and chipotle peppers, the Baconator’s simplicity is comforting, like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk or nestling my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.

Of course, what’s not comforting about the Baconator is its nutritional values, which makes the Big Mac’s seem small, like a penis after being dunked in the cold water.

While the Baconator has 830 calories, 51 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,920 milligrams of sodium, the Big Mac has the less artery-clogging values of 540 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol. and 1,040 milligrams of sodium.

With all that meat and its nutritional values, the Baconator is not a burger that you would want to eat often or during your recovery from triple bypass surgery or in the middle of a Weight Watchers meeting or in the lion’s den at a zoo or at a PETA protest. But if you can eat several of these in one sitting, you should be given the nickname, “Baconator-tor.”

Despite its unhealthiness and fugliness in the picture above, the Baconator a pretty good burger. It was smaller than I thought it would be, but it’s a pretty dense burger. As a matter of fact, when I was carrying the paper Wendy’s bag it came in, it kind of felt like it was going to fall through the bottom.

As for its taste, the smokiness from the bacon complimented well with the juicy ground beef patties and the two slices of cheese. The ketchup and mayonnaise added a nice creamy tomato flavor to it. All together, it created a simple, classic taste, like something I would’ve gotten from a drive-in restaurant from the 1950s.

But all is not perfect with this burger. Wendy’s claims the Baconator has six strips of bacon, and it technically does, but those strips were awfully short. I know bacon shrinks significantly when cooked, but it would probably take two or three strips from the Baconator to equal one strip of bacon from a package I bought from the store and fried on my own.

Overall, it’s a really good burger. Although, after eating one, I feel like my lifespan has shortened a little bit. Again, it’s simple with a classic taste, which I really like.

I wish I could say the same for the type of women I like, which is high-maintenance, high heels, and with a high tolerance of me.

Item: Wendy’s Baconator
Price: $6.49 (Small Combo)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Simple burger with a classic taste. Heavy burger. Half pound of beef. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk. Resting my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.
Cons: Six strips of bacon were small. Bad nutritional values that make the Big Mac’s look healthy. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Eating meat at a PETA protest. Eating a Baconator at a Weight Watchers meeting.

When I think of classy things, I think of fine wine, Gwyneth Paltrow, and feta cheese.

Feta is one of those “special” cheeses not found with the trailer trash cheeses like American, cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, and, of course, Velveeta, which is as classy as shiny, spinning hubcaps.

Feta cheese is usually located in the deli area near other cheeses with funny names, like asiago, gorgonzola, taleggio, limburger, and smelofarts.

Now I record a lot of shows on Food Network because I need to add more material to my never ending loop of Rachael Ray shows playing at my Rachael Ray shrine.

While fast forwarding through all the parts that don’t have Rachael Ray, I noticed that a lot of the chefs on the Food Network use feta cheese on a lot of things, like salads, pizzas, and pastas. Those chefs really like feta cheese and are very liberal with it, like strippers are with cocoa butter lotion.

Well it seems the chefs in the Wendy’s kitchen also have been watching a lot of the Food Network because they put a nice crumbled heaping of feta cheese on their new Mediterranean Chicken Salad.

Besides the feta cheese, the Mediterranean Chicken Salad comes with herb-seasoned chicken chunks, iceberg lettuce, Romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion rings, and a package of red wine vinaigrette dressing.

Putting all of that together made for a pretty good tasting and decent sized salad. The feta cheese and the vinaigrette dressing gave the salad a nice tangy kick. The vegetables for the most part looked fresh, although I was disappointed that there was a lot of iceberg lettuce, which has as little redeeming value as the new Britney Spears reality show, “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.”

Despite the goodness that I discovered in the Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad, there were a few things I wish Wendy’s had done to it. For example, I think it would’ve been nice if the herb-seasoned chicken chunks were warmed up, because I’m slightly afraid of cold chicken.

However, my biggest problem was having to toss my salad, which is a pretty hard thing to do because I’m kind of uncoordinated and not very flexible.

If you look at the picture above, you’ll notice that all the feta cheese is on one side of the bowl, all the chicken is in the center of the bowl, and the cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are all in their own respective cliques.

It’s like the feta cheese are the preppy kids, the pieces of chicken are the jocks, the cucumbers are the band geeks, the onions are the nerds, and the tomatoes are the goth kids. This kind of separation may work well in high school, but it doesn’t work well with a salad.

It would’ve been nice if the salad was pre-tossed, so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble, pain, and mess of tossing my salad.

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Item: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Decent sized. High in Vitamin A & C. Feta cheese makes me feel classy.
Cons: High in sodium. Chicken was cold. Lots of iceberg lettuce. Forced to toss my salad.