Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is mostly for the dudes out there, but it might have some helpful tidbits for you ladies as well.)

Holy crap! It’s Valentine’s Day and you did absolutely nothing for your woman! All the roses are sold out. Too late to make dinner reservations ANYWHERE! The candy stores are closed. Well don’t fret, homie! The Impulsive Buy has got your back, dawg!

First off, tell your honey to come over to your place at a certain time. Then go buy a couple of bags of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter, about $250 worth of small vanilla-scented candles, some fresh strawberries and grapes, a few mylar heart-shaped balloons, some nice parchment, a calligraphy set, a tiger print loincloth, and the latest issue of GQ magazine.

Some optional things include, condoms, satin sheets, edible water-based lubricant, fuzzy handcuffs, the key to open the handcuffs, a feather, massage oils, Barry White and Marvin Gaye CDs, a paint brush, and the game Twister.

When you have everything, the first thing you should do is make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter from the front door to the bedroom.

If you live in a dorm room, you’re not going to need many Hershey’s Kisses to lead a woman to your bedroom. If you live in the Playboy Mansion, on the other hand, you also won’t need as many Hershey’s Kisses, because there is a 99 percent chance that a woman is already in your bedroom.

Now when she opens the door, make sure she sees the trail of Hershey’s Kisses. Use a lit candle, a flower, a balloon, or a picture of Brad Pitt to grab her attention toward the trail of chocolatey goodness. Also, leave a note that’s written on nice parchment in calligraphy that says, “The number of Hershey’s Kisses you pick up, will be the number of kisses I’ll give you tonight.”

You don’t have to mean it, but it sounds super romantic.

Since the trail leads to your bedroom, you have to make your room romantic. Since chicks dig candles, place the small vanilla-scented candles all over the room. Unless she’s a pyromaniac, then I’d consider not having any candles, matches, or lighters in your place. I’d also consider unplugging your stove and oven.

The most important thing about the candles is to not light them all. Maybe light about 25 percent of them, because you don’t want a lot of light, you want a little illumination, because it looks more romantic and you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.

In your bedroom, you should also have a bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes. When she’s in your bedroom, lying next to you, feed her the fruits. You want to make her feel like Cleopatra in one of those Egyptian wall drawings or in one of the many Technicolor films about her life.

Before she arrives, make sure you have your tiger-print loincloth on. It has to be a tiger-print loincloth because what you want to convey to her is that you are an animal. A Spongebob Squarepants loincloth will not work because it will convey that you are an eight-year-old who hasn’t had an erection yet.

The GQ magazine has a double role here. Scan through the magazine and look at all the poses the male models are in and pick one that you like. When your woman enters the room, the pose that you are in should be the pose that you pick.

The other role the GQ magazine plays in this romantic scene is it’s something you can read while you wait for your woman to arrive.

Now when she enters the bedroom, tell her to come closer, and use one of these lines.

1. “These Hershey’s Kisses maybe sweet, but you’re sweeter.”
2. “These Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter may have the winning combination of chocolate and peanut butter, but you and I make an even more winning combination.”
3. “If you think you’ve got a lot of “Kisses” now, come next to me and I’ll give you even more.
4. “I’ve got Hershey’s Kisses all over my body. Why don’t you come here and find them?”

After all of that, she should want to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with you, unless she either thinks you look really silly in that loincloth or she found out about the sexual transmitted diseases you have.

Finally, here’s a little warning for you: DO NOT EAT ANY OF THE HERSHEY’S KISSES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Why?

Because you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’.

Also, because the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter are frickin’ addictive. If you eat just one, your romantic trail of chocolaty goodness to your bedroom will disappear. They’re not as good as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but they’re pretty darn close.

So if you follow these steps, you will dodge the last minute Valentine’s Day bullet, get a little sweet, sweet lovin’, and get to pretend you’re Tarzan with your tiger-print loincloth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sasha_Kitty who told me about the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter a few months ago. I would’ve reviewed them sooner, but I didn’t find them until the other week. I will blame this on the fact that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)


Item: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. The combination of chocolate AND peanut butter. Addictive. Sweet, sweet lovin’.
Cons: Peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’. Being laughed at while wearing a tiger-print loincloth. My lonely Valentine’s Day.

47 thoughts on “Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter

  1. I always enjoy reading your reviews because of the humor that you add to them. My favorite part is the “today’s review is brought to you by…” Hershey’s is running out of ideas–Kisses with peanut butter are strangely similar to Reese’s.

  2. Well, I gained about 40 lbs lovin those oreo cookies, not going to touch these babies. There’s something about peanut butter and chocolate that I just can’t resist.

  3. I… Think I’ll stay with the Reeses Cups, I’ve tried other peanut butter-chocolate combinations, so far…there has been no equivelant. Although.. I still believe Hersheys, and every other company.. should stop trying to reinvent every product. It just isn’t neccessary.

    God…valentines day. Not looking forward to this (well, the money part.. not the others), almost mae it past without spending a dime.. but apparently as of around 11pm last night, I have a new girlfriend. So.. there goes my cash. Oh well.

  4. grr.. working on valentines day. this made me laugh though. thanks marvo! have to make sure my hubby doesnt have any of these until tomorrow if they are that addictive that he’ll be distracted lol

  5. Because I’ve been married for 8 years, my preparations for Valentine’s Day included preparing a crapload of little candies/valentines for my first grader to give out (including special valentines for the 6 girls who notified him that he is their valentine), preparing a crapload of little valentines for my preschooler to give out, getting party food ready for their respective school parties, making a gift for my kids’ teachers (teachers like presents), and preparing little gift bags for some of my friends to purchase to give to their respective wives/girlfriends (I sell cosmetics/girly stuff on the side). My husband and I agreed not to do anything for each other because of time/money constraints. However, I think at lunch I will hunt down a couple of bags of these yummy yummy kisses for him. These are so super good. That, a six-pack of beer and a pack of football cards (plus the sweet, sweet lovin’) are all he needs to have a great day.

  6. That sounds soooooo romantic! Hehe. To think you can do all that with just hershey kisses 😉 I want someone to make me a trail of hershey kisses! Yumm, I love chocolate & peanut butter.

  7. so what do you do if you’re girl is allergic to nut products!!!!!!! and vanilla scent!!!!!!!!!…wait, have you tested this out to see if it will work. I mean I saw your little vidoe of you “making out” i saw no woman…maybe she is in fiji on a photo shoot?

  8. lookit who’s all prolific these days – wtg! not to mention a theme item for the holiday – nice. honey, you need to be writing for GQ with all your killer boudoir advice. and i ain’t seen these PB kisses ANYwhere. scoop! happy val day

  9. To make your Valentine’s Day just a bit less lonely, in your honor I will pour out a bag of Hershey’s Peanut Butter and Chocolate kisses and roll around in them for you. Then I will slip into a bubble bath sprinkled with rose petals, surrounded by vanilla-scented candles. And then I’ll slosh over to the washing machine, pour in a few capfuls of OxyClean, and berate myself for forgetting to first remove my clothing. Yeah, it’ll be an eventful Valentine’s Day for me, too. Sigh.

  10. Marvo, will you be my valentine? It’s been a sucky day so far and a trail of peanut butter kisses sounds pretty good. As does that rock in the middle of the Pacific, actually.

  11. peanut butter and chocolate is the best combination ever, I swear….

    and it only gets better when it’s smothering a pretzel…

    I just don’t get how you don’t have a girlfriend, marvo… Happy Valentine’s Day!

  12. Don’t like Reeses.

    Oh, and dramastically,/b> I hate VD too. The $5 whore always has to have it.

    Oh, you meant THAT VD? k, no harm done. 🙂

  13. “…you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.”

    Good ol’ Marvo. Always looking out for my wallet. 😛

  14. Nicki said it before I got the chance. Concerns for peanut and/or chocolate allergies, diabetics, and women who are sensitive about weight should score you bonus points for consideration. Regarding flowers, I like the plush (stuffed animal-like) single roses instead of live flowers, not only because of price, but because she can look at it all year long, not just one week, before it begins to rot and associate rotting with your relationship.

  15. Marvo, while these sound tasty, I’m with Janet…I’ve gained too much weight eating tasty product’s you’ve reviewed. Plus, I have no woman to leave a trail of peanut butter kisses for. Oh well, maybe next year.

  16. You could have a mouth full of onions, or something green and icky stuck in your teeth, if I could swim, I would be my way to the middle of the Pacific Ocean right now for a taste of one of your kisses, whatever they’re filled with, I don’t mind. You’re not alone… *smooch* Happy Valentine’s Day!
    (This time, next year- what do you say?:-)

  17. Dude…a loincloth in ANY pattern is not cool. It makes me think of gay male strippers that women hire for bachelorette parties.

    But as for the rest of your idea for a tre romantic Valentine’s Day, I love it! Yep, count me as one of those chicks who love scented candles.

    My bf and I played it pretty low key tonight though. We walked over to our neighborhood sushi bar (owned and employed by actual Japanese nationals, not Koreans, as some sushi bars are) and had lots of yummy fresh raw fish. Then we went home, caught the last half of American Idol, and watched House.

    I’m with the rest of these ladies- why don’t you have a gf? You’re too much of a catch not to have one! Ummm…just don’t show any potential gfs that horrifying video of you making out with the camera.

  18. Marvo,

    Thank you for reviewing the PB kisses. My constant nagging finally paid off! I think the kisses might not be the way to sweet, sweet lovin as once you start eating them, you forget about sex down below but enjoy the little chocolate PB orgasms going off in your mouth. Maybe it is better to use rose petals and I also have said too much…

    Happy belated Valentine’s Day!

  19. gko – Yes, definitely not a pretty picture.

    Miriam – Hershey’s realizes that chocolate + peanut butter = crazy delicious.

    janet – You must not resist. You must not resist. Chocolate and peanut butter are calling you. You must not resist.

    Pel – If you saw me, I don’t think you would. However, with a brown paper bag over my head, it’s a whole different story.

    Andy – Dude, couldn’t you hold off for 26 hours? Well I hope you didn’t end up too broke.

    megan – I know this is moot, since it’s past Valentine’s Day, but maybe he could’ve fed them to you, all Cleopatra-like. Just make oil his body, put on a loincloth, and fan you with a gigantic feather.

    AmberLB – Your son is a frickin’ stud. I think when I was in first grade, six girls beat me up. 🙁

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – If you don’t have someone to make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses, I say make your own trail. But at the end of the trail, have something for yourself. Like a hot bubble bath or a bed of money.

    Nicki – If the girl is allergic to nut products, I guess the only way I’ll get to make out with her is if I have to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to help her breath.

    TG – I definitely can’t write for GQ. I definitely can’t model for GQ. I also can’t read GQ without anyone looking at me funny with that “Why are you reading GQ”-look.

    Mellie Helen – Thanks for the offer, but that would be a total waste of these Hershey’s Kisses. If you try them, you’ll agree.

    Mir – If you’ll be my Valentine, I can be your long lost pal. I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al. Call me Al. (Yes, those are Paul Simon lyrics. Yes, I am too young to know Paul Simon lyrics.)

  20. Webmiztris – I wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend every single day as I flex in the mirror. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

    wyn – Some people call it imagination. Others call it insanity. Anyway, no girlfriend. No lovers. No woman who I deeply care about, but just wants to be platonic friends.

    dramastically – Well, I hate Virgo Destroyers, Vinyl Disco, Vertical Dookie, Vertigo Dancing, and Virgin Danish.

    Muneer – The reason why the $5 whore costs five dollars is because they are B.Y.O.C. (Bring Your Own Condoms).

    klew – I once bought a girl a glass rose. Unfortunately, that glass rose was as fragile as our relationship.

    Chuck – “Maybe next year.” I keep telling myself that every year. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry now. 🙁

    Maybe – Um…You know, you could always take a plane. Although it’s going to cost you a bit and my kisses definitely don’t equal the price airfare.

    Toni – Why don’t I have a girlfriend? Hmm…I’ve been getting that question a lot recently, not just from the comments. I think the reason is because I hope that someday I will be called by some publication, “Most Eligible Bachelor.” Of course, I’m betting that publication will either be Homely Magazine or Ugly People Fancy Magazine. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

    Sasha_Kitty – I don’t consider it nagging, I call it occasional polite reminding. As for the chocolate orgasms, I think I prefer the real thing, not only because I haven’t had the real thing in a very long time, but also because with chocolate orgasms you consume calories, but with real physical, sweaty orgasms, calories are burned. I enjoy the burn, unless the burn lasts for several days and needs to be treated with antibiotics, then not so much.

    Lizzy – It was either the tiger print or the snakeskin print. Tiger print just seemed more sexy.

    Karen – Happy BVD to you too! I’d smooch you back, but I don’t have a towel to give you for the excess I’ll probably leave on your cheek.

  21. Well, it wasn’t something I intended on doing.. just kinda happened..

    she had been a good friend for quite some time now, although.. for some reason I never thought about her that way, but.. really, she really is a great girl. We were talking monday night, and she had mentioned before that nobody had ever done anything very special for her on valentine’s day.. and that got me thinking, and the more we talked the more I realized it.. So I just asked her. She was even happier than I was.. I could tell over the phone.. it was just in her voice, that joyful bubblyness…

    So..I came over to her place after school, made her a nice lunch.. then we went for a walk, and talked some.. then a movie, and dinner at a nice restraunt (I know a guy, managed to get me reservations.. always nice to have), then we went back to her place, talked for a while longer, and watched a movie together, then ended up going outside, looking at the stars… she ended up putting on some music, ended up slow-dancing out in her back yard until 2am, then we just sat out on the grass, held her hand and talked.. until around 3:30am when it was about time I should leave..

    So.. I’m very, very happy. Things went well. She was so happy.. so I was happy.. and it just couldn’t have gone any better. And, I only spent just over $80. So, I’m broke.. but.. oh well. Have definitely spent much more previously.

  22. Andy – I didn’t know you were such a romantic guy, Andy. I’ve only known you for something like three days and I’ve learned so much about you in that short time. Okay, I actually don’t really know much about you. All I know is that your first name is Andy and you had a date on Valentine’s.

  23. heh. Well, ok.. guess I didn’t have to tell my little story, but I was kinda proud of myself. 6 hours of planning and I managed to pull that off. hehehe, oh well…

  24. …valentines day? what time is it? what DAY is it? i remember taking Tylenol PM Vanilla sometime monday and….darkness.

  25. Karen – I appreciated Andy story because I aspire to have a Valentine’s Day like he did. It was something memorable and not just flowers, dinner, and sex. One of my co-workers was serenaded by her husband’s three friends on Valentine’s Day and I thought that was soooo cool.

    Andy – You should be proud of yourself. You da man!

    ultradave – That’s okay, you didn’t miss much. Just excessive amounts of chalk-like candy hearts.

  26. Karen – If I could sing and play a guitar, I would serenade a woman to woo her. But I can’t do either, so if I tried, I would probably scare her away.

    Maybe – Actually, my sweet, sweet lovin’ is only worth $2.19 plus tax and it doesn’t last very long. 🙁

  27. hqhYGCvyg5 – Oh, you like to type don’cha. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You’re typing like a big little girl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

    birdwoman – I made a CD of songs I can get it on with. It includes Barry White, Luther Vandross,, Marvin Gaye, and others. I have yet to use that CD.

  28. Trust him here. THese are excellent!

    “you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’….well, it sure beats garlic breath!

  29. Maybe – Sorry, I would probably only accept cash because Paypal would probably be my pimp and take some of my earnings, then slap me around for not paying it on time.

    nat – I had a girlfriend in college who liked garlic, and for Valentine’s Day I took her to a garlic restaurant. Later that evening, with a handkerchief on the doorknob to her dorm room to let her roommate know that the room was occupied, we had a garlic-smelling make out session, and let me tell you, it wasn’t so bad.

  30. Marvo – Err… No matter. I’d never win anyway… (put pimps aside, and call me cheap if you must, but I still like the sound of it, so there you go.)

  31. Maybe – But you know what they say about cheap sweet, sweet lovin’. You get what you pay for and there’s a chance of getting a STD. But just to let you know, I don’t have any.

  32. Marvo – Excellent, neither do I. I’d be happy with just the S, to tell you the truth, but, um… as it stands, I don’t have that either. Anyway, thank you for the reassurance, and just to let you know, I always keep at least one unused toothbrush in the bathroom.

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