Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte

Sleepy, Marvo? A grande espresso will perk you right up. You don’t want to be sleepy at work. You’ll be less efficient, which may cause you to get fired, and you’ll end up selling crack to little kids, selling your body to old female Japanese tourists, or working at Wal-Mart with little benefits.

I’m not a coffee drinker, but ever since I picked up the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, Starbucks seems to be trying to lure me into one of their stores through telepathy. With 34 Starbucks locations within a ten mile radius of my apartment, their presence is very powerful.

Before trying the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I’ve never had a regular cup of coffee, a latte, an espresso, a Frappuccino, a cappuccino, a macchiato, or whatever other coffee drinks that end with the letter “o.”

You want coffee! A delicious latte in a grande or tall size! You know you want it. Everyone else is doing it, so why aren’t you? All the cool kids are doing it. Don’t you want to be cool?

My guess is that when I picked it up, red flags and sirens went off at Starbucks headquarters in Seattle, although I think they went off not only because I picked up a non-Starbucks product, but also because I’m one type of a typical Starbucks customer.

I’m a young male professional, who dresses in a little too much Gap and Banana Republic. I’m also a go getter, with dreams of making it big in the real world, ending up with a two car garage house, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and a wife who is not only successful in her own right, but also has a naughty side.

We’ve got hot barista girls ready to serve you whatever your heart desires. Some of them have tattoos on their lower back and piercings in places you can’t see, and we know how much you love women like that. If you come to Starbucks, they’ll smile at you, not because they’re told to by management, but because they WANT your hot body.

See, Starbucks wants me pretty bad.

But like I said earlier, I’m not a coffee drinker. I think I feel this way because of all those years of smelling the coffee-stamped breaths of my elementary school teachers, who needed caffeine to help them be alert just in case I decided to either run with scissors, fingerpaint my face, or eat the paste.

Even after drinking the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I don’t know if I’ll become a coffee drinker, because I wasn’t too impressed with it. It wasn’t bad, but for something that calls itself “rich,” it had a watery taste.

Probably the best thing about this product, was its self-heating can. According to the label, a chemical process heats up the inside of the can and the watery, rich mocha latte to over 140 degrees Fahrenheit (or 60 degrees Celsius for you Celsius fanatics).

With this chemical process, I ended up with was a latte that was not too hot, like Papa Bear’s porridge; not too cold, like Mama Bear’s porridge; but just right, like Baby Bear’s porridge. The self-heating can is definitely convenient for those on the go, those who don’t have time to wait in line at a Starbucks, or those who have to prevent little kids from running with scissors or eating the paste.

However, its taste will probably have people heading back to Starbucks and have Wolfgang Puck’s Iron Chef status taken away from him. As for myself, I’m still not a coffee drinker, so I hope that Starbucks will stop telepathically trying to convince me to be a customer.

You should hang out at Starbucks, because there are lots of chicks at Starbucks. Lots of smart, beautiful chicks who love guys who drink Starbucks coffee. All the cool young professionals hang out at Starbucks. Your iPod doesn’t make you cool, but Starbucks will.

I guess not.

Item: Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte
Purchase Price: $2.99 (10-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Self-heating can, which produced a not too hot, not too cold, but just right temperature. 100 calories. Hot barista girls at Starbucks.
Cons: Watery taste. Not very rich. Starbucks trying to telepathically lure me into one of their stores. Long lines at Starbucks.

28 thoughts to “Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte”

  1. Ohboy… self-heating watery coffee! (I guess I’ll stick to the Mad Dog bars when I’m on the go and want to be alert for children running with scissors….)

  2. I’m an occasional coffee drinker myself, but I don’t have a daily “habit” established. For some, it’s a great way to wake up. For me, it’s a great way to waste time in the morning while I surf the internet. (I can’t stop surfing yet, I haven’t finished my coffee!) The self-heating can on this does sound cool, but if you don’t like coffee, you could always just go with Red Bull or Bawlz (although they’re better served cold.) BTW, I think selling your body to elderly female Japanese tourists would be less degrading than working at Wal-Mart.

  3. Keep up the good fight Marvo but one day we will all be under Starbuck’s control. At home, I drink Peet’s coffee out of defiance but damn it, as I always find myself at Starbucks for a cafe mocha when I am on the go!

  4. Resist the evil power of Starbucks, Marvo! They are bad, m’kay? However, coffee is quite worthy of adoration. Just not from Starbucks. Find a good local coffee house and give it a go there. Don’t help Starbucks with their plan for global domination!!!!

  5. I thank God, Zeus, Neptune and the whole dodecatheon that Starbucks are sensible enough not to have opened a branch in my city.

    That way, I can be a non-coffee drinker without any remorse, telepathically or else.

  6. Starbucks already has a shop inside my local B&N, but they are building the first stand alone shop in my city. Locals are already lining up outside and it doesn’t open for 2 more months.

  7. Unfortunately, Starbucks has taken route in my once innocent town, infecting it with over-priced weak coffee. Personally, I’ve never drank coffee because it tastes good.. I drink it because I’m tired and need to wake the hell up… Or.. at least, that’s the idea at any rate.

    But, anyway… the self-heating can sounds cool.. Now, the Campbell’s people need to use those self-heating can for those soups they sell in a to-go type of thing, whatever the hell those are called..

    Of course. Let’s be honest, when they say “Chemical Proccess”, they mean, “Unconcievable Evil From The Depths Of Hell”..

  8. mmmm, that sounds good! I REALLY like those Starbucks Frappuccinos they sell at the grocery store. We don’t have Starbucks around here either, so you have to work with what you got… But for $3/each, I think they should throw in some Columbian cocaine for free…

  9. Hmmm sounds like the self heating mechanism in the MREs we get…only our heating device can be made into an explosive. Maybe if the can had instructions on blowing the can up afterwards it would be better?

  10. Let me get this straight. Before you drank this product:

    You’ve. Never. Had. Any. Coffee?

    Man, you ARE secluded in that little rock in the middle of the ocean! I’ve been drinking cappucinos for several years! They’re great with dessert after a meal.

  11. nice work marvo! every word of this review rocks. have you tried any of wolfgang puck’s other stuff? i love his restaurants, but his packaged goods really suck – from the canned soups on down. he seems to have chosen some pretty crappy “merchandising partners”

  12. I first became addicted to coffee during my clubin’ collegiate days (some people go the beer route, I went the iced Americano route). My addiction became truly profound when I was in law school. I severely cut back when I was preggers, and thanks to my beloved Senseo, am again deeply in love.

    This stuff doesn’t sound like a good replacement for Starbucks. We have a drive through, for when we are on the go. My kids even ask for it (i.e., the Strawberry Cream frappaccino, or whatever that is).

    My husband (who can make the yummiest cappuccinos when he feels the urge) refuses to use the correct terminology when ordering. “I’ll take one of those mocha flavor crappaccino deals in a large. Light. With that whipped cream.” The helpful barrista will chirrup back, “A venti mocha frap light with whip?” And my husband will just kind of grunt back, “what you said, whatever.” Then he has to make a show at the window, “Four buck? For that?!?” Ugh. Drives me slightly batty.

  13. Self-heating cans? Wake up, George Jetson’s here!! This means Rosie’s out of a job!

    Why was this even made? Because nothing says “Coffee” like Wolfgang Puck?

  14. Caffeine is a great meal replacement. Watery coffee sounds like utter crap. Am very intrigued by self-heating can, despite nearly flunking thermodynamics… it’s always more interesting when an application for it is involved.

  15. It took me a while to figure out the image on the can … it looked like an olive with a flat head screw in it. Very funny write up, Marvo.

    I just have to wonder what makes the cans “self heating” and what sort of caustic chemicals this means we’ll now be putting into the landfills.

    I kind of understand it for MREs and camping. What sort of lazy asses have we turned into that we can’t just leave the house with a thermos, drink cold coffee or stop at the 7-11 that brews watery coffee (for about a third of the price).

  16. DO NOT put these cans in the microwave. I got one of these for my wife (who has her PhD). She didn’t read the can, then BOOM! She later informed me that it’s a very simple chemical reaction that causes the self heating can, so it’s not bad for the environment(I think that’s what she said anyway…)

  17. Mir – You still have Mad Dog bars? I ate mine within a month of receiving them. Those are definitely better than the Wolfgang Puck coffee.

    Chuck – I think it’s less degrading too, plus it’s more profitable.

    Sasha_Kitty – I predict that Wal-Mart and Starbucks will be the 51st and 52nd states.

    Pel – I don’t know about coffee. Maybe I’m just afraid of the coffee farts.

    Sugar – Shhhh!!! Don’t say that! They might hear you.

    JMo – Wow! They’re lining up already? See Starbucks coffee is like crack.

    Andy – Yeah, I agree with you. Campbell’s ought to make self-heating soups. That would totally kick ass.

    Webmiztris – What? Bumfuck nowhere doesn’t have a Starbucks? Your town is still pure and a virgin. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Starbucks came to your town and rammed it hard.

    Nicki – Mmm…MREs. I’ve had a couple of those. I think I had a spaghetti one and something else.

  18. Toni – I had a sip when I was little and I didn’t like it. I guess I’m more of a tea and soda kind of guy.

    TG – I think this is the only product I’ve tried. I might have tried one of his frozen pizzas, but it also could’ve been a CPK frozen pizza. Well I guess no more Wolfgang Puck food for me, unless he hunts me down and threatens me with a knife.

    AmberLB – Yeah, Starbucks and Jamba Juice have this weird “special” code for ordering things. It’s sort of like In-N-Out Burgers, except not as weird.

    Gia on Guam – Jamba Juice…Not as weird as Starbucks, but definitely more colorful.

    nat – Rosie can still clean and pick up Astro’s poop.

    wyn – The self-heating can is pretty nifty. I’ve been reading about other products that will use the same technology. Hot chocolate would totally kick ass.

    cybele – I actually have no idea what that image is. Damn graphic designer!

    Dewayne – Oh man, that BOOM must’ve been so cool!

  19. My cousin tried those. We, too, are walking Gap ads lost in the corporate world. But, she looooooooooved them. When they first came out, they were trying to give ’em away by selling them 2 fer $.99. Welllll… after they became all Britney [popular], they went up to $2.99 each! Gah!

  20. Damasta – 2 for 99 cents. That’s panhandling-cheap!

    Karen – Yes, not as fascinating as the Hoff video, but definitely made me cry more than the Hoff video.

  21. My dad bought one of these at a salvage store and he let me try it. It has a nasty after taste and it cooled down really quick after the can was opened. No thanks.

  22. govtdrone – I wish the can was reusable. Actually I wish the can was see-through, so I could’ve watched the chemical reaction and channel my inner Bill Nye.

  23. it’s strange but whenever I hear Wolfgang Puck speak I think of that professor duck, i think he’s called Professor Ludwig Von Drake, in those old Disney cartoons…

    i, too, would like a see-through can to watch the reaction… that might give me more incentive to buy it.

  24. In4hRZeHjD – Yes, that’s a keyboard. You’re such a good little boy. Goo goo. Gaa Gaa. Yes, you’re typing. Yes, you’ll someday spend your working life sitting in front of a computer and typing. Yes, you will. Yes, you will. Who’s my little office worker. You are.

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