REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman or when my bitches ain’t payin’ me my money? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

(Editor’s Note #2: Hmm…It seems Coca-Cola Blãk is a popular product in the product review blog world today. Go check out Lord Jezo’s review at The Message Whore here. Then go read Tanya’s review at I.Ate.A.Pie.Net here. Then go read TG’s thoughts at NYCE here.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

50 thoughts on “REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

  1. I like coffee and I like cola, but this sounds totally disgusting to me. I’m surprised by your positive review (also, frankly, by your obsession with shivs, but okay).

  2. Um, maybe if you tried smashing it on the edge of a bar or a table it’d break? After all if you’re in a barfight are you going to take the time to bend down and smash it on the floor, or something at waist height?

  3. I have a solution for you! Next time you get one of these, take the wrapper off the minute you get it…that way, if you ever are in fact in a bar fight, your bottle will be free of plastic wrap and it will break easily for you to make the perfect shiv 🙂 I know, i’m genius, you can thank me later.

  4. i had to reduce my coke intake to only one a day at the most. used to drink up to eight a day. but then i started drinking coffee and was able to give up a bit of the coke. not sure which is healthier but in that vein, this seems like the worst combination of things. you either should drink a coke or a coffee and not both for many reasons. and i love both.

  5. Oh this is so funny, because Popgadget just had a review on this and I thought, wow, I really need to tell what’s-his-name that he HAS to review this. And really, this stuff is getting good reviews. Which is weird, because it sounds terrible. What’s your name again?

  6. Pepsi Kona, which was test marketed quite a while ago (around the same time that RC brought out a premium cola sweetened with cane sugar), was awfully good. I’ll have to try the Coke version for comparison purposes. I am told by someone at Pepsi marketing that it was dropped because it was being purchased by a younger demographic than they had intended.

  7. Damn you! How the hell did Hawaii get this stuff first!? I’ve been looking all over for the Blak and asking clerks for it just nets me weird looks and a scoff. Then – on top of this – you go and give it a good review, which is tantamount to saying, “Hey, this Coke Blak is delicious, don’t you wish you could have some?” Well, as a matter of fact I DO wish I could have some. Looks like I’m going to have to do some legwork today.

    Maybe I’ll just go to their creepy website, which will make me want it a bit less. Either that or I’ll make myself a beer bottle shiv to keep me entertained in the mean time.

  8. I’ve never heard of it.. but it sounds intriguing. If I happen to see in the near future, may have to pick up a bottle. The concept of coffee and cola together.. sounds pertty nasty, but it depends on how they do it, I suppose.

    As for the bottle.. that does suck! Although, you could use it as a club. Just beat em with it.. Or, you could throw it, like a rock. A cola rock.

    -PFC Andy

  9. I saw this stuff at my local Tarzhay this weekend and picked up a four-pack (on sale) for $4.99. Ouch! That’s about a buck-twenty-five for each 8 ounce bottle. You got a waaaaaay better deal than I did. Despite my slavish devotion to all things caffeinated, I thought this stuff was god-awful. Maybe it was just my 4-pack, but it was sooooo sugary, sweet and tasted neither cola-esque or coffee-ish to me. I also did not experience a lovely coffee scent. More worrisome, my 4 yo and 7 yo each wanted some (I’m sure this is kid-crack), and I had to hide the remaining bottles up high in the back of a cabinet behind a vat of oatmeal. Maybe I’d like it better for 50 cents, or if it was sweetened by Splenda. Maybe the cost and the thoughts of sugar overcame my tastebuds and told my mind that this stuff sucked. After re-reading your review, I’m thinking I had a bum lot of CC Blak, because it sounds so good when you write about it.

  10. We just saw this stuff in the grocery store last night and were suprised we had never heard of it. There weren’t even any indications of what it was, so we really had no clue what to even expect of the stuff. Are they doing any advertising or anything? Because I watch a lot of tv, so it’s weird for me to to hear about new products. I despise coffee so don’t think it’s for me. But I’ll have to suggest my roommate try the stuff.

  11. You could shake it up and open it in their face too! I think that would work if you were fast enough. On the other hand, it might give them a caffeine rush so they’d have more energy to beat you up.

  12. I’m in NYC and they were giving away bottles in Times Square. I grabbed two and gave one to my husband. I refuse to drink the stuff (because I have an aversion to artificial sweeteners).

    I never saw the Pepsi Kona before they yanked it.

  13. I’ve seen this stuff in the stores for a month or so now but been a bit afraid to try it. (maybe I should have when the local grocery was doing free samples) I think I may have to pick up the cheapest pack I can find and give it a try.

  14. In the nutritional guidelines you shared, there was no data on the caffeine content on this thing. Which, I imagine, has gotta be through the roof. So? Does the smash-proof bottle say?

  15. how weird izzit that everyone (well, not me) wrote about it TODAY? dude, they totally copied you. meanwhile, i hate the new packaging, i think it’s cheezy. it looks like a 70s tiger-stripe disco skirt. i liked the old (european?) shrink-wrap a lot better. it was classier.

  16. Why on earth is there a tilde over the a? No grammar nazi could ever buy this product in good conscience.

  17. Hey it looks like your place has got the same cheap laminate tiles and vinyl baseboards that they use over here…must be a humidity thing.

  18. Dude, you can shiv someone with that bottle you just gotta ram in their gut hard. Even plastic can cut… I know I done it. Drink 10 of those and I guarantee you’ll be able to shatter the bottle and slide it between the ribs during a barroom brawl.

  19. The media outlet where I work gave this drink the bum’s rush in yesterday’s food section! ZOIKS!

    Do you think you would be able to play Spin the Bottle with it? Then at least it would have THAT redeeming quality. And really, isn’t that why bottles were created on the sixth day? (Or was it fifth? Oh no, that was the GIN bottle…)

    🙂

  20. Jittery, over-sugared, and over-caffeinated people should not be playing with bottles that break easily, leave that to kids and drunks.

  21. I tried this just yesterday, and before reading this review, I have to tell you this is the most awful tasting beverage I have ever had. I love Coco-Cola and coffee but this combo is not good.

  22. You know, I wasn’t going to try this stuff by now I pay. You’re so persuasive you even convinced me to watch that video. You had me at shiv baby, you had me at shiv.

  23. Ooooo…Coke and coffee, two of my favorite drinks, together at last!

    Actually, I had never heard of Pepsi Kona. With me being a freshman in college in 1996, you’d think that I’d be one of the first people to try Pepsi Kona when it came out, but nope- I’d never heard of it till today.

  24. This would be my new favorite drink except for the aftertaste. Nutrasweet needs to go out of this drink.

  25. I bought a 4 pack of this stuff(unfortunately). I prefer Coke to Pepsi and I really like coffee. The flavor of Coke Blak was a pretty decent mix. Not a bad flavor at all, but it was weird cause something about it wasn’t easy to drink. It took me 3 “drinkings” of that teensy bottle to finish it. Just three bottles to go

  26. Matt over at X-Entertainment also jumped on the product review bandwagon for this. Before today I’d never heard of Pepsi Kona but a quick Wikipedia search gave me all the info I’d needed.

  27. Mir – I just like saying “shivs,” because it sounds like the other words I like to say, “shimmy shimmy shake.”

    Mooselet – Unfortunately, I don’t have a bar or a strong table that could handle being beat down my a glass bottle. The hardest surface I have is the floor.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Well, the plastic wrap is kind of hard to take off. I needed a razor to cut it open. If I happen to be in a bar fight and I had a razor to cut off the plastic wrap, I wouldn’t need a shiv, because I have the razor.

    rose – Actually, the worst combination would be crack and heroin. Just ask Robert Downey Jr.

    Lizzy – My name is. My name is. Chicka chicka. Marvo. Anyway, I’ve been waiting months for Coke Blak. The Europeans got it first and I thought about buy some off of eBay for $20 including shipping.

    Miguel – It’s strange that Pepsi pulled Pepsi Kona because it was being purchased by a younger demographic, I keep seeing the younger demographic buying Starbucks all the time. Oh, what could’ve been.

    Webmiztris – Well, I’m not in rehab so maybe it’s not quite there, but I didn’t really feel a rush. I wish I knew how much cocaine…I mean caffeine there is in it.

    Rhawb – Sorry. I’m sure you’ve found some Coke Blak by now.

    Andy – Yeah, that club thing is true. It’s less messy as well.

    Amber LB – Cap’t Crunch is also kid-crack. Cap’t Crunch and Coke Blak would make the ultimate kid-crack. Mmm…

    g – I haven’t seen any tv ads for it. Actually, I’m surprised I haven’t seen any ads for it.

  28. rfduck – Nah, I think that would just stun them for a little while. I need to knock them unconscious or make them bleed.

    cybele – DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

    BeerGoat – Hey, you have the word “goat” in your name, you shouldn’t be afraid to try anything. Because as we all know, goats will eat anything. 🙂

    Mellie Helen – Nope, the bottle doesn’t say, but caffeine was listed near the bottom of of ingredients list, so I’m not expecting a lot of caffeine, which is just as strange as my excessive use of commas in this sentence.

    TG – And what is wrong with a 70s tiger-stripe disco skirt? I bet they’re going to be back in style soon.

    Tristyn – My grammar sucks, so I can buy away. 🙂

    Muneer – It could be a boutique cola energy drink?

    Gia on Guam – What’s wrong with cheap laminate tiles? They keep my face nice and cool when I pass out drunk on them.

    Energy_Guru – I don’t know if I can do that, because I’m kind of a weakling.

    Karen – I just tried playing Spin the Bottle with the Coke Blak and it works well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I now have to make out with myself in the closet for 10 seconds.

  29. klew – Yes, I agree. Jittery, over-sugared, and over-caffeinated people should be writing software instead.

    laina – You have to go download Quicktime, which you can download here.

    JB – Well I didn’t think everyone would like it, after all there are people out there who actually like Kevin Federline, not including his family and Britney.

    Meredith – I liked it too. My name also starts with an “M.” We have so much in common. 😉

    Grins – Oh, if only I were this persuasive when I did my speech in college on why legalizing prostitution is a good thing.

    Toni – Actually, Pepsi Kona was only available in certain test run markets. You would think with a name with the word “Kona” in it, it would be available in Hawaii, but it wasn’t.

    Damasta – I think I learned it because I wanted to know a different word for knife, because I was tired of saying butter knife. So now I say butter shiv. 🙂

    Uncle C – I was surprised by the artificial sweetener, but I didn’t notice it.

    skibs – I say you keep the bottles and if Coke Blak ever disappears, sell them on eBay for profit. Heck, people are willing to pay a premium for Surge.

    MattIsWaldo – Have you heard of Pepsi A.M.?

  30. I like it. It has a unique taste that I actually enjoyed. I have never tasted anything quite like it before. I like the glass bottle, but I wish it were twice as big. I tried to sip it slowly but it was gone in a flash! I could do without the aspartame as I don’t like to consume artificial sugar for many reasons. What is the point of a beverage having high fructose corn syrup AND aspartame as well? I have seen Blak at several convenience stores for $1.50 + deposit. I have not seen it in any grocery stores or on sale as of yet.

  31. Stacie – I noticed the NFCS and the artificial sweetener and thought that was strange too. The weight of the bottle kind of threw me off to how much liquid there was in a bottle. Oh, if it only were bigger or I could get a Big Gulp of it.

  32. I’m so late – I’m like the 39th comment. Anyhoo – I can’t believe we all reviewed this product on the same day – some kind of ‘quasi’ food reviewers karma thing going on… I liked it, then didn’t like it so much after 3 gulps. Why is the dang bottle so heavy when there’s so little liquid in it? It really didn’t give me the ‘energy drink’ buzz – I get very hyper and my eyelids feel like they’re taped open after I drink energy drinks, but nothing much happened after I drank this.

  33. Tanya and I are late, but at least I’m not the one that’s possibly pregnant, but wouldn’t it be hysterical if we both were? At the same time? A riot. Maybe we should stop drinking Coke Blãk or drink more of it. Whichever doesn’t make us late.

    I’m with the others that say you should just clonk others on the head instead of shiv’ing it. As illustrated in your video, it clearly would cause some major close head trauma and be much funnier to witness. Especially if it makes that “clonk” sound.

  34. tanya – For something that combines coffee and soda, it didn’t really give me a kick.

    Domokun – First off, please don’t kill all the kittens. Also, clonking people on the head isn’t fun, unless I have a row of heads, two bottles, and able to make different tones with each head then play them like a xylophone.

  35. I heard it was aluminum (aluminium in Britain), so that would explain the crash-resistance. Also, I was looking forward to this so much I felt weightless when I finally saw it. It’s too sweet, though; why bother with aspartame when you have all that sugar (why bother at all!); and there’s not enough syrup. I’ll stick with Ghirardelli’s 70% cacao chocolate with finely ground espresso beans.

  36. Wooh! I finally found the stuff! Turns out it tastes exactly like the cappuccino they served in my high school cafeteria, weird vanilla-but-not-quite-vanilla taste and all. I used to love the stuff in HS and it definitely translates to the soda. Pretty darn tasty.

    Only problem I had with it was the caffeine made me more jittery than a crackhead on speed. I rarely drink soda, so all the caffeine in this stuff was quite the experience for me. Though, if I ever need to stay up for some reason, I’ll just down a bottle of this stuff – no doubt it’ll keep me going!

  37. Anonymous – Nope, it’s really glass. Unless somehow someone created aluminum that I can see through.

    Rhawb – You had cappuccinos in your high school cafeteria!?! The most exciting thing they had in my high school cafeteria was chocolate milk.

  38. Yeah, I went to this weird high school that kind of thought it was a college prep school. We had lots of freedom to do what we wanted (within county rules) and there were all sorts of wacky a la carte options to add on to our lunches. I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you to find out that we were the nerdy school that all the other schools made fun of. 😛

  39. Rhawb – Oh memories. I miss being the nerdy student that the other students made fun of. It made me feel wanted. 🙁

  40. Yuk, yuk, yuk. I think they pumped this stuff out of the ground near Cheyrnoble. Or maybe when they brew it they throw in a few discarded D size batteries. I’d rather take a swig of iced tabasco sauce. ugggh! Nasty stuff.

  41. Leslie – I’ve never had coffee-flavored jelly bean. They must taste better than actual coffee beans.

    nothipcoolorbuff – I’d take a swig of iced tobasco sauce…For five bucks. Oh nevermind. ::head to kitchen::

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