REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

50 thoughts to “REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk”

  1. tanya – For something that combines coffee and soda, it didn’t really give me a kick.

    Domokun – First off, please don’t kill all the kittens. Also, clonking people on the head isn’t fun, unless I have a row of heads, two bottles, and able to make different tones with each head then play them like a xylophone.

  2. I heard it was aluminum (aluminium in Britain), so that would explain the crash-resistance. Also, I was looking forward to this so much I felt weightless when I finally saw it. It’s too sweet, though; why bother with aspartame when you have all that sugar (why bother at all!); and there’s not enough syrup. I’ll stick with Ghirardelli’s 70% cacao chocolate with finely ground espresso beans.

  3. Wooh! I finally found the stuff! Turns out it tastes exactly like the cappuccino they served in my high school cafeteria, weird vanilla-but-not-quite-vanilla taste and all. I used to love the stuff in HS and it definitely translates to the soda. Pretty darn tasty.

    Only problem I had with it was the caffeine made me more jittery than a crackhead on speed. I rarely drink soda, so all the caffeine in this stuff was quite the experience for me. Though, if I ever need to stay up for some reason, I’ll just down a bottle of this stuff – no doubt it’ll keep me going!

  4. Anonymous – Nope, it’s really glass. Unless somehow someone created aluminum that I can see through.

    Rhawb – You had cappuccinos in your high school cafeteria!?! The most exciting thing they had in my high school cafeteria was chocolate milk.

  5. Yeah, I went to this weird high school that kind of thought it was a college prep school. We had lots of freedom to do what we wanted (within county rules) and there were all sorts of wacky a la carte options to add on to our lunches. I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you to find out that we were the nerdy school that all the other schools made fun of. 😛

  6. Rhawb – Oh memories. I miss being the nerdy student that the other students made fun of. It made me feel wanted. 🙁

  7. Yuk, yuk, yuk. I think they pumped this stuff out of the ground near Cheyrnoble. Or maybe when they brew it they throw in a few discarded D size batteries. I’d rather take a swig of iced tabasco sauce. ugggh! Nasty stuff.

  8. Leslie – I’ve never had coffee-flavored jelly bean. They must taste better than actual coffee beans.

    nothipcoolorbuff – I’d take a swig of iced tobasco sauce…For five bucks. Oh nevermind. ::head to kitchen::

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