REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.

29 thoughts on “REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

  1. Hell yes, that’s such a zombie–clearly a round fruit eating one. I’m a zombie-spotting expert myself because, like you and sweet albeit small-boobied Milla Jovovich, I’ve played enough Resident Evil that I become a little hinky around umbrellas–the mere mention makes me nervous.

    So I can verify, my dear little armpit-sniffer, your claim that the makers of Fruity Cheerios are meant for zombies. I’ll make sure that I carry a few boxes with my over/under shotgun the next time we have a zombie horde attack.

  2. I just can’t bring myself to pay for a name-brand cereal most of the time. Four dollars ON SALE? Well, I realize it is Hawaii and all, but the profit margin on these name brand cereals must be great.

    In addition to zombies, fruity cheerios might be very popular with residents of San Francisco.

  3. I dunno’, I’ve always thought of Cheerios as the Law & Order of breakfast cereals (or is that serial? I’m serial y’all).

    Are you sure that isn’t just a kid that’s hopped up on the H so his eyes are lolling into the back of his head and he has one serious case of jaundice (a symptom of the Hep C he picked up from a dirty needle) to boot? Hmmm, I guess if that isn’t the definition of a zombie then what is though eh? Point conceded, the kid is clearly a zombie.

    The shotgun does take their heads clean off when angled slightly up and fired at close range–SUCH a satisfying and gratifying feeling.

    Thanks for lighting up my dull day once again, as always. You kick ass so I don’t have to.

  4. I don’t know, he looks sort of desperate to me. Like, “Where are the brains? Why am I surrounded by pop-colored bits of oat when I need brains?”

    Maybe General Mills has been using zombie slave labor to get the Cheerios harvest in. Let’s see the Minuteman Militia do something about the undead taking jobs away from the living.

  5. Do zombies need twelve essential vitamins and minerals? Will that make them a little less dead? Perhaps bring them…A LITTLE CLOSER TO GOD? THESE HOLY CHEERIOOOS?! BOOP BOOP!?

    Uhh yay, cheerios! I like them, but not enough to put them on my chart of tasty round things.

  6. Whoops! I need to apologize for how weird that link ended up looking. But I suck at html, so I couldn’t figure out how to make it just regular text. Sorry!

  7. I’m sure glad I was included in that list of peeps that love Cheerios. On behalf of all the Warcraft geeks munching Yogurt Burst Cheerios and chugging Sobe Adrenaline Rush on my server, let me be the first to give you a great big “Elune be praised”.

  8. Hey Zombies are um people(-eating-people) too so share the love!
    I would think they (the fruity cheerios) would go over well with the Sesame Street crowd. For me I’ll stick with the original Cheerios, they’re great when nauseous(, which usually coincides with dealing with the Sesame Street crowd).

  9. How clever of you, Marvo, to connect sugary cereals and zombies…this is an example of why you are so special! So many of us have suffered the double indignity of not being allowed sugar cereals OR cool horror movies. This must be why I have always insisted on sneaking out or at least staying up, late at night, to get a snack and watch the Creature Double Feature, whether it happened when I was nine, or now, at thirty- …well, not thirty-nine yet, anyway. Want to catch a Christopher Lee marathon sometime?

  10. My son loves them. I personally like Fruit Loops for the bright colors and sugery goodness but obliously my son has more discerning tastebuds than I do.

    Although he wakes up in the middle of the night craving them and calling for them by name, kind of like the cravings I get for KFC at 2AM.

  11. Back of the cereal box art is becoming more and more disturbing. It would suck to both a zombie AND a Lemonhead!

    And as you know, the marshmallows in Lucky Charms are always wacked out. I won’t go on too much about the new Sparkling Magic Mirrors or Lucky’s newfound interest in playing in the forest with his little fairy friends but General Mills gots ta keep it fruity.

    Its hard to compare to the awesomeness of plain Cheerios, but I’d try these.

  12. OMG cheerios are so tasty. only the normal kind though. I once barfed some multigrain cheerios and I just cant even stand to look at them now. I think I will be trying the fruity onesis. 🙂 So do you take donations of things to review? We have some awesome stuff down here in the swamplands.

  13. Domokun – Mmm…Milla. Me likey the Milla.

    Chuck – Cereal does sometimes get pretty cheap, $2.50 – $3.00 a box when I buy them from Safeway. These Fruity Cheerios are probably popular with Care Bears.

    L’il E – Are you super dooper serial?

    Wednesday – I don’t think zombies would be good at any job. They have horrible hygiene and some of them are missing limbs.

    Kevin – There’s no need to duck, because we’ll just throw Cheerios at you. Painless Cheerios.

    Robyn – I think everyone and everything could use more vitamins and minerals.

    Melanie – Zombies also like to dance, as shown in the Michael Jackson video for Thriller.

    dramastically – Hmm…I always thought of you as a hip-hop artist entourage member.

  14. Barb – I don’t think Cheerios does well to help with the Barney crowd.

    kiki – Um, a Christopher Lee marathon sounds nice. We’re talking Count Dooku Christopher Lee, right?

    Jen – I’d suggest you buy some tomorrow. 🙂

    Gman – I get cravings for jack in the box at 1 AM. Thank goodness for 24 hour drive thru.

    Webmiztris – You know what, now that I think about it, we don’t see the lower half of the zombies body. Maybe it’s smiling because he’s getting a BJ.

    skibs – I prefer the hard puzzles on the back of cereal boxes. It helps get the gerbil in motion in its wheel in my head.

    Zadillo – I believe they eat a particular type of Cheerios called Cheerihos.

    laina – Yeah, those multigrain ones do suck ass. As for swampland stuff to review, I’d like to try crocodile jerky.

  15. Marvo, it tickles me to learn that I’m in three of those categories you’ve listed. And now our zombie friends aren’t left out, either.

    I’m tempted to buy a box of these just to shamelessly laugh at that Hepatitis C/Zombie child, but I don’t want to betray Toucan Sam and his wonderful Froot Loops. Decisions, decisions.

  16. i had no idea these existed!

    i am a huge CHEERIOS fan… all of ’em. Now i have a new one to love. THANKS! Gotta look for ’em.

    i never was huge on Froot Loops… even tho i looooove my sugary cereals… so this is fantastic!

    And nice to see the O-U on there. KOSHER BABY! And vegan. That’s music to my taste buds!

  17. i’m arriving at the cheerios party late, and ordinarily i wouldn’t bother you with another puny comment but this is an awesome blog entry. love it. A+. U R fanTASTIC

  18. K – Hope you find them. If not, I could send you a box. But you’ll probably find one before you get it.

    TG – No U R fanTASTIC!

  19. I saw these at the store and wondered what they would taste like. I just assumed they would taste somewhat like fruit loops. Guess I will have to try them soon.

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