If anyone needs help with the ladies, it’s me.
When the best compliment I’ve received about my looks is, “You have nice ears lobes,†I know I’m gonna need a little extra help attracting women. So I turned to a product that claims women will be all over me if I use it, Axe Shower Gel.
They come in a variety of scents: Touch, Essence, Phoenix, and Kilo, which also sound like good party drug nicknames. I chose the Touch scent, because that was the desired effect I wanted with women and it also smelled like the Christian Dior’s cologne Fahrenheit, which I wore during my freshman year in high school to impress my hot 23-year old English teacher.
After taking a jog, I had the opportunity to use the Axe Touch Shower Gel. I poured some into my loofah and began washing my body. (Yeah, I got a loofah. WHAT ABOUT IT? It exfoliates. Yeah, I exfoliate. WHAT ABOUT IT?)
As I washed my body, the scent began to change. It went from the pleasant Christian Dior Fahrenheit musky scent to the unpleasant old man musky smell. It was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde.
The old man smell filled my bathroom and I actually dry heaved once. I quickly rinsed off my body, dried off, sprayed on my favorite cologne, and avoided my bathroom until the smell faded away.
From that experience, I didn’t believe the old man-smelling Axe Touch scent could actually attract young women, but I had to find out the truth. So I needed to find a place where there were many women.
Fortunately, I have a major state university in my backyard, so it was easy finding groups of women. So the next day, I reluctantly took another shower using the Axe Touch Shower Gel and then walked up to campus. My plan was to wait for the classes to end and then walk through one of the busiest walkways.
When classes got out and the walkway filled with students, I swam my way through the crowd, trying to pass as many women as I could. When I ended up at the other end of the walkway, I turned around and went through it again. Unfortunately, both times I didn’t receive any phone numbers, seductive looks, or full-body tackles.
I went home disappointed.
When I got home, I stepped into the bathroom and cried…I mean, washed my face. The old man smell from the Axe Touch Shower Gel still lingered from the shower I took about an hour earlier. I took a deep breath and a lightbulb suddenly went on in my head.
If young women weren’t attracted to the old man smell of the Axe Touch Shower Gel, then maybe I needed to focus my attention to those who might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to Catherine Zeta Jones and Anna Nicole Smith terrifies me, because I’m afraid she might sit on me, hug me, or eat me. With those two off my list, I decided to hit on focus on the female AARP segment of my community.
So the next morning I got up at 5:30, took a shower with the Axe Touch Shower Gel, and headed towards the nearest McDonald’s, which is where the old folks here tend to congregate. When I entered the McDonald’s, the place was crawling with people over the age of 60 and had a heavy coffee smell.
I ordered some food and sat in a booth that was next to one that had four older ladies, or as I like to call them, “experienced ladies.†With my back facing towards them, I took the sports section of the newspaper I brought in with me and began to fan myself, pretending I was hot. I hoped that the scent of the Axe Touch Shower Gel would reach the ladies.
As I ate my breakfast, I tried to listen in on their conversation, hoping that they would whisper something about how great I smelled to each other. Unfortunately, the only things they talked about were their last doctor visits, the trip one of them took to Las Vegas, and their grandchildren.
Bah!
After finishing my breakfast, I went home, stepped into the bathroom, cried…I mean, brushed my teeth, went back to sleep, and dreamed of women rubbing my nice ear lobes.
Item: Axe Touch Shower Gel
Purchase Price: $4.39
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Christian Dior’s Fahrenheit cologne while in the bottle, but…(see cons). Cool black bottle. I have nice ear lobes.
Cons: I had a musky old man smell after I took a shower. Doesn’t attract young women or old women. Smell lingers in bathroom for hours. Pricey.