If I needed to be saved from a burning building, car accident, David Hasselhoff music video, or a greasy Richard Simmons hug, I wouldn’t want these Tostitos Multigrain chips to rescue me.
The reason why is because they are weak, like Pete Doherty’s will power around heroin or Britney Spears’ parenting abilities. I may have a hard time opening a bottle of salsa without help from a towel or a much stronger eight year old girl, but these Tostitos Multigrain chips are so weak that they cracked every time I tried to scoop up some salsa with them.
If they can’t pick up salsa, how are they going to save me if I needed to rescued from a shark, bear, snake, wolf, tyrannosaurus rex, vampire, Tim Allen movie, Decepticon, black hole, or MySpace sexual predator?
Sure, the Tostitos Multigrain has “four wholesome grains,” corn, oat, buckwheat, and wheat, but how can I truly enjoy them if they keep breaking down in chunky salsa and I have to worry about the part of the chip that buried in salsa?
I could use another chip to dig out the buried chip, but these Tostitos Multigrain chips are so fragile and weak that the next chip would probably break, causing a path towards the Zsa Zsa Gabor Marriage Effect, which involves many, many failures before finally succeeding.
Despite the “four wholesome grains,” the Tostitos Multigrain are not healthier than regular Tostitos. It’s much like how Britney’s black hair doesn’t make her less trailer trash.
The combination of the “four wholesome grains” also gave the chips a darker appearance, a kind of healthy nutty taste, and a crunch that’s slightly not as crunchy as regular Tostitos. They taste okay, but if the “four wholesome grains” don’t make them any healthier, I don’t think I would buy them again, like I would for the okay-tasting, but significantly healthier Baked Lays.
So if you happen to be kidnapped by some shady guy in a black suit with a pointy mustache, tied up in a huge coil of rope, everything around you is in black and white, you’re placed on train tracks to get run over by an oncoming train, and Tostitos Multigrain comes to try and help you, just eat them, because the only thing they can help is hunger.
(Editor’s Note: If you’re interested, or love randomness, check out the “Random Review” button in the top navigation bar. Click it and it will magically take you on a journey through all the good reviews, bad reviews, and ugly banana deep-throating reviews. Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Rylan for the idea.)
Item: Tostitos Multigrain
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Okay healthy nutty taste. Zero trans fat. Having eight year old girls around to help open jars and bottles. Celebrity references for all ages.
Cons: Tostitos Multigrain is too weak to save lives. Chips break easily while scooping up salsa. The four wholesome grains doesn’t make it any healthier than regular Tostitos. Slightly not as crunchy as regular Tostitos. Britney’s black hair. Being weaker than eight year old girls. Decepticons. ANY David Hasselhoff video.