I thought the new Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink would be as bad as plastic surgery Axl Rose and Buckethead Guns ‘N Roses, but surprisingly it turned out to be Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff, and Steven Appetite for Destruction Guns ‘N Roses good.
It’s surprising because most of the zero and low-carb foods I’ve tried over the years have ranged from Clay Aiken nauseating to Scott Stapp solo album atrocious, which, if you’re keeping track at home, is worse than Creed bad.
For example, the low-carb and low-taste Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal was so bad it was like I was chewing on anything made by the Ying Yang Twins, in other words, it was bland and uninspiring. The Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter was like spreading Paris Hilton’s album on top of…um, well she’ll spread her album or herself on anything.
The Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink is one of the few low-carb products out there I like very much. As a matter of fact, I prefer it over the original Rockstar Energy Drink, just like I prefer the New Monkees over the old Monkees.
It’s currently my favorite energy drink, having bought about a dozen over the past month. Its berry flavor was good, it was pretty easy to drink due to the lack of carbonation, and despite the sucralose, I was surprised that there really wasn’t a strong artificial sweetener taste, like most “low-carb,” “sugar-free,” and “diet” energy drinks have.
As we all learned either in biology class or on Sesame Street, carbohydrates are broken down in the body and release energy for our bodies to use when running a marathon, robbing a bank, or doing the Electric Boogaloo.
At first I thought an energy drink without any carbs would be disappointing like Metallica without the long headbanging hair, No Doubt without Gwen Stefani, Harry Connick Jr. having a song without the word love in it, a 2 Live Crew album without big booty bikini bitches on its cover, or women not throwing their panties on stage at a Barry Manilow or Tom Jones concert.
However, the Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink made up for its lack of carbs with a bunch of the typical energy-creating herbs and vitamins with funny names.
Inside its 16-ounce can there’s 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine; 2,000 milligrams of sweet, sweet taurine; 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet green tea extractives; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet L-Carnitine; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet yerba mate leaf extract; and a bunch of B vitamins. It’s got enough energy goodness to either keep awake a college student cramming for their biomolecular fission class midterm, keep alert a World of Warcraft junkie spending his or her entire weekend trying to get their character to level sixty, or make Andrew W.K. normal.
Item: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good berry taste. Zero carbs. Low calorie. 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. 16-ounce can. Getting a character to level sixty in WoW. No strong artificial sweetener taste. Guns ‘N Roses before Use Your Illusion. Sesame Street.
Cons: Tom Jones and Barry Manilow not having panties thrown at them on stage. Ying Yang Twins. Guns ‘N Roses after Use Your Illusion.