REVIEW: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink

Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink

I thought the new Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink would be as bad as plastic surgery Axl Rose and Buckethead Guns ‘N Roses, but surprisingly it turned out to be Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff, and Steven Appetite for Destruction Guns ‘N Roses good.

It’s surprising because most of the zero and low-carb foods I’ve tried over the years have ranged from Clay Aiken nauseating to Scott Stapp solo album atrocious, which, if you’re keeping track at home, is worse than Creed bad.

For example, the low-carb and low-taste Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal was so bad it was like I was chewing on anything made by the Ying Yang Twins, in other words, it was bland and uninspiring. The Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter was like spreading Paris Hilton’s album on top of…um, well she’ll spread her album or herself on anything.

The Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink is one of the few low-carb products out there I like very much. As a matter of fact, I prefer it over the original Rockstar Energy Drink, just like I prefer the New Monkees over the old Monkees.

It’s currently my favorite energy drink, having bought about a dozen over the past month. Its berry flavor was good, it was pretty easy to drink due to the lack of carbonation, and despite the sucralose, I was surprised that there really wasn’t a strong artificial sweetener taste, like most “low-carb,” “sugar-free,” and “diet” energy drinks have.

As we all learned either in biology class or on Sesame Street, carbohydrates are broken down in the body and release energy for our bodies to use when running a marathon, robbing a bank, or doing the Electric Boogaloo.

At first I thought an energy drink without any carbs would be disappointing like Metallica without the long headbanging hair, No Doubt without Gwen Stefani, Harry Connick Jr. having a song without the word love in it, a 2 Live Crew album without big booty bikini bitches on its cover, or women not throwing their panties on stage at a Barry Manilow or Tom Jones concert.

However, the Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink made up for its lack of carbs with a bunch of the typical energy-creating herbs and vitamins with funny names.

Inside its 16-ounce can there’s 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine; 2,000 milligrams of sweet, sweet taurine; 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet green tea extractives; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet L-Carnitine; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet yerba mate leaf extract; and a bunch of B vitamins. It’s got enough energy goodness to either keep awake a college student cramming for their biomolecular fission class midterm, keep alert a World of Warcraft junkie spending his or her entire weekend trying to get their character to level sixty, or make Andrew W.K. normal.

Item: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good berry taste. Zero carbs. Low calorie. 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. 16-ounce can. Getting a character to level sixty in WoW. No strong artificial sweetener taste. Guns ‘N Roses before Use Your Illusion. Sesame Street.
Cons: Tom Jones and Barry Manilow not having panties thrown at them on stage. Ying Yang Twins. Guns ‘N Roses after Use Your Illusion.

30 thoughts to “REVIEW: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink”

  1. I had never heard of Buckethead. That dude looks seriously phreaky. I’ve tried RockStar low-carb but this one looks like a different version. It tasted ok though. I generally just drink caffienated diet sodas because they’re cheaper, although I do miss out on the taurine that way.

  2. Marvo, you’ve gotta stop drinking that crap. Are you truly suffering from a deficiency of yerba mate leaf extract?

  3. Man, I’m totally losing touch with you kids today. Had to look up most of the refs you written–I mean, I had an inkling who that K. Fed was, but honestly, Andrew W.K.? Who? Ying Yang. Fortunately, my new coworker, who is essentially your mirror image being a Japanese Hawaiian himself, got me up to speed. Yay.

  4. I like Axl’s long, overcomposed tracks on Use Your Illusion (especially Estranged, though there is only one good album to be had if you take the best tracks off of both discs). Have you heard the track “IRS” that was leaked from Chinese Democracy? I like it too.

    Domokun, it isn’t an age thing, its a willingness to sift through pop junk thing. I too know all of these references even though I am as old as the hills, mostly because my wife and I are obsessed with trivial pop culture freakiness.

    You’ve really just got to cut out the middle-man, Marvo, and hook yourself with some good cocaine. It’s time for you to take the plunge. I’ll have to come out and line some up on tranny hooker’s ass for you ;-p Damn you for forcing me to come out to a tropical paradise! I’ll get you for this yet Marvo!

  5. Word from the wise: Don’t drink more than two of those things in one night.

    I drank 3 of them while waiting in line to get myself a Wii. Around 5am I HAD to get home. Quickly. My stomach was VERY angry with me.

  6. I agree with Dawn, I think Gwen’s new music sucks. She officially sold out IMO, when she did that god-awful “Hollaback Girl”. Ugh.
    Domokun, I don’t know Andrew WK, either, and I’m in my twenties. I think I’ve heard of him, but I really don’t care about him one way or the other, so you’re not alone.

    And Marvo, I’m a sucker for a good looking product (that blue can makes me feel like a winner just looking at it) but energy drinks are not my forte. I’m afraid of the heart palpitations.

  7. So does this drink make it so…

    WHEN IT’S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL ALWAYS PARTY HARD!!!!!! Party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard.

    The lyrics that touched our lives and defined our generation. How can people not know who Andrew W.K. is? He’s the modern day Bob Dylan…give or take a few attributes, but they are essentially equals.

  8. ok you crossed the line with the AWK bashing.

    But you made up for it by not putting him in the cons section.

    I also had some of this. The berry flavor was present, but I could really taste the artificial sweetener…. it almost tasted like one of those Flintstones vitamins you used to eat waaaaaay back in the day.

    I have to disagree for once; I prefer the original, 24oz Rockstars to this.

  9. AWK essentially equals with Bob Dylan?? I think you’ve been hitting the Rockstar drinks a little too much Ace N. AWK is good but come on……. Dylan’s classic.

    Marvo, you review lots of these energy products, sometimes the little fix is just not the answer. Sweet sweet taurine or no, just go mainline caffeine.

  10. Barb, I hope that we’re both being sarcastic here…I think that the people who think AWK = Bob Dylan have long been quarantined.

  11. gko – I saw the folks waiting in line outside of Best Buy for the PS3. I wanted to give them energy drinks, which would make them have to pee, and then steal their spot in line.

    Heather Feather – Don’t I make your day every day? 😉

    Chuck – There isn’t enough caffeine — or taste — in diet sodas. Oh wait, I kind of sound like I’m addicted to caffeine. I promise I’m not. Oooh, Monster Energy Drink.

    Mir – You know what they say about yerba mate, “If you need to stay awake, it’s all about the yerba mate.”

    Domokun – Ask him if he’s my doppleganger. Apparently I have a few of those running around. If he says “yes,” kill him. 😉

    L’il E – All I’m going to say about Use Your Illusion is that November Rain seems like it’s the fuckin’ longest song I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t end when you think it’s supposed to end and it plays on for three minutes more. The song is NINE minutes long, but it feels like twenty.

    Rhawb – Oh man, you could’ve been playing Zelda right now.

    Webmiztris – I totally agree. Her new song sucks hard. Go back to ska, Gwen!

  12. twisted dog – But if she’s gone, no more weekly accidental nipple slips for the tabloids.

    DanGarion – I haven’t seen that, but I’ve tried the sugar-free Full Throttle and another one in a blue can.

    Brie – Actually Hollaback Girl does make me want to shake my ass. Whether that’s a good thing really depends on the individual.

    klew – Hmm…I kind of wondered about that. I wonder if it will end up being a Trivial Pursuit question?

    Ace N. – Also, I wish Andrew W.K. was my friend.

    calvin – Dude, Andrew W.K. rocks! I Get Wet is an awesome album. If that album can’t get someone off of their ass, they’re probably dead.

    Barb – If I could crush a No-Doze into powder and snort it up my nose and not go crazy, I totally would just go for the pure caffeine.

  13. Whew! I’m so glad you didn’t put AWK in your cons. I would have had to boycott. His new album is also awesome but only us here in Japan and those fans dedicated enough to order from overseas know that. “I’m Not Going to Bed” should be the theme song for all energy drinks.

  14. Calvin, you need a space heater. I have one in my room… mmm toasty. Turn on that space heater and slip under 2 comforters. You’ll be warm AND asleep.

    You do make my day every day Marvo. 🙂

  15. Ohhh, don’t remind me of the Zelda! Oh, and the Wii Sports…I could be playing them all! Damn you, Rockstar!

  16. Holy shit, they had a “New Monkees”???

    The only energy drink I’ve ever had was Red Bull. Although I loves me some caffeine, I’m wary of these energy drinks. I feel like if I drink it, my heart would leap out of my chest and tap dance angrily on my head.

  17. Heather Feather I know, I do need a heater. I was happy under my 4 blankets, but then the alarm went off and I had to leave my peaceful warm heaven behind. 🙁 But, when digging through my basement an hour ago, I discovered a space heater. WAAAAHZOOOOOO!

    Marvo Sorry to steal your blog buddy.

  18. Melbatoast – “I’m Not Going To Bed” should be the name of an energy drink.

    calvin – More layers!!!

    Heather Feather – Well every day I post a review I probably make your day, so not really every day.

    Rhawb – I just saw a review for Madden 07 for the Wii and controlling it seems kind of fun. Also, I hope Santa brings me a Nintendo Wii…or at least $250 so I can buy one.

    Toni – I believe I have the 45 vinyl records for a couple of their singles.

    calvin – She’s not only my blog buddy, she’s everyone’s blog buddy. Everyone deserves a blog buddy.

  19. calvin I know how you feel. I have to wake up at 5 fucking 30 in the morning for work. And I live on the east coast. It’s cold! I have to kiss my warm heaven bye byez every morning. 🙁 I’m glad you found a space heater tho!

    marvo No, you make my day everyday because I check TIB everyday and everyday there’s something new! Even if it’s just comments and such. 🙂

    Blog Buddy… sounds like a little pocket computer wizard thing you carry around with you.

  20. Heather Feather – I don’t think I could have a blog buddy in my pocket. I’ve got too many things in them.

    calvin – I heart commas and use them way too much.

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