Driving a Convertible

Just like anger turns Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk and alcohol turns Mel Gibson into a ragin’ racist, I recently found out that driving a convertible turns me into an asshole.

Although thankfully it didn’t turn me into a super prick asshole, like Simon Cowell is with tone deaf American Idol hopefuls.

I didn’t choose the convertible, it chose me, thanks to the free upgrade courtesy of Budget Rent a Car. It was the first time I’ve ever driven a convertible, and it wasn’t just any old convertible, it was a RED Ford Mustang.

I don’t know about you, but I think a red Ford Mustang convertible is a total chick magnet, although not so much when I’m driving it and definitely doesn’t even come close to attracting the women as effectively as either Brad Pitt or George Clooney in a loincloth, or if they’re a lesbian, Angelina Jolie in a loincloth.

The only other memory I have with a convertible was the time when I was with an ex-girlfriend in high school and we threw a couple of live crabs onto the back seat of a tourist’s convertible who conveniently left their top down while shopping. I guess even being around a convertible will turn me into a prick.

Anyway, once I placed myself into the driver’s seat of the convertible, I instantly had the urge to be an asshole. As I revved the engine, it sounded like it had the enough power under the hood to easily make up for my physical inadequacies and insecurities, like most assholes have.

I thought about using that power to burn rubber in the rental car parking lot, which would’ve caused a cloud of smoke and an aromatic “fuck you” in the scent of burnt rubber, but I couldn’t do it because my car had an automatic transmission, which makes it kind of hard to burn rubber. Although, even if it did have a manual transmission, just like my penis when I’m in bed with a woman, I wouldn’t know how to use it.

Since I couldn’t burn rubber, the next asshole-ish thing I wanted to do was pick up chicks and finally be able to use the pick up lines, “Hey baby, I just put the top down on my ride, but now I’d like to put your top down” or “Hey cutie, how’d you like to ride something red, smooth, and fast, but I’m not talking about my car.”

Unfortunately, after driving around for a little bit, it seemed like all the chicks were at work, which reminded me the reason why I needed a rental car in the first place, because had to travel to another rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean for my job. My destination was only a few miles away from the airport, but because in the convertible I’m an asshole, it felt good to take a little detour so that I could be stylin’ AND profilin’.

As I drove with the top down, my sunglasses on, and a smug look on my face, I wanted to play some slammin’ music that would make everyone look in my direction and see how much of a badass I was, but unfortunately I only had my Slow Jamz CD with me.

Even my hair was being a prick and wasn’t taking shit from no one. My stiff gelled hair did not waver as the wind tried to blow them down like the big bad wolf facing the pig’s house made of bricks. The wind huffed and puffed but could not bring my Viagra hard hair down since I use enough gel in my hair to make it meet U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission standards for bike helmets.

Sure driving a convertible turns me into an asshole, but there are some positive things about driving one, like not needing to use the air conditioner, being able to let the sun’s rays tickle my skin, and possibly being able to drive around Miss (insert beauty pageant name) in a parade.

Item: Driving a Convertible
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Budget
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Total chick magnet. Free upgrade to convertible. No need for air conditioner when top is down. My hard gelled hair. Stylin’ and profilin’.
Cons: Turned me into a smug asshole. Having only a Slow Jamz CD. Possible sunburn. Rain when driving a convertible with the top down. The smell of burnt rubber. My pick up lines when driving a convertible.

29 thoughts to “Driving a Convertible”

  1. I dunno, those new Mustangs are more for the 50-year-old set to let the wind run through their plugs I think. Still, if it managed to turn YOU into a prick that is some powerful stuff, and here I thought small penis complexes were just for guys with small penises.

  2. Awww… you not knowing how to use your penis in bed with a woman? Noooooo… you’re so modest.

    Remember last Saturday night?
    You knew how to use it then. 😉 😉

    P.S. Red Convertables Rox My Sox

  3. I always suspected that convertibles had some sort of asshole aura that turned everyone around them into jerks. Statistics don’t lie.

    I need to know that name of your gel, though. My kid absolutely refuses to wear her bike helmet. If I gel her down real good, maybe we can avoid a concussion!

  4. You can do a burnout in an automatic, as long as it’s RWD (and a Mustang is). Just lightly hold the brakes and stomp on the gas – I’m pretty sure it’s terrible for the car, but hey, isn’t that what rental cars are for? 😛

    Ahhhh, the things you learn in high school.

  5. Things I have learned from this entry:
    1. Marvo has a red penis
    2. Marvo doesn’t know how to use his red penis
    3. Marvo is an asshole, presumably because of insecurities due to his red penis

    Fascinating stuff!

  6. Stylin’ and profilin’ – that’s classic! If my dreams ever come true and: a)I buy a Toyota MR2 and b)pick up Simon Cowell in my Toyota MR2 I am so going to use that line.

  7. L’il E – I think with a Mustang convertible, RPMs doesn’t stand for revolutions per minute, instead it’s rage per minute.

    Heather Feather – I have to admit something. You know when I blindfolded you, there was a reason for that, because me and this other dude switched places. 😉

    WednesdayThis hair gel is blue like Viagra, so you know it makes things hard.

    DaDead – Or a blowup doll.

    Webmiztris – Or they could be laughing at you for driving a convertible with the top down in the snow.

    Rhawb – In high school I learned that being the third choice for someone’s date is not cool.

    Ace N. – The logic boggles my mind! Damn, my red penis!

    Erika – I wouldn’t pick up Simon Cowell. I’d probably run him over, then reverse, and then run him over again.

    Sarcasmom – Don’t you mean infamous? 🙂

  8. That crab joke is hilarious. I should try that. Which would be more cruel/effective: crabs or a steaming bag of dog crap?

    You really ARE becoming a serious name, Marvo. Maybe they’ll let you test a Mini Cooper. Gotta love that car.

  9. I have rented a Mustang convertible before a couple of times, just for kicks. Then one time, I got a free upgrade to a Sebring convertible. I never had it help me pick up chicks at all, but perhaps I didn’t have good enough pick-up lines. Also, I am rather susceptible to sunburn, so I know I’ll never buy one. Was fun to play around with for a little while though.

  10. You should have turned on the radio and cranked up the local easy listening station. You know Michael Bolton always does it for the over 50 female population.

  11. Last spring we were in FL visiting my in-laws…and we had the SAME CAR! My husband had brought along a stack of his old CD collection and not to mention a few Disney CD’s for the little one.

    Pulling into a really swank restaurant we felt like SUCH dorks with “Bibity Bobity Boo!” screaming from the speakers! The next day we decided to be “funny” and as we pulled into the in-law’s church (dad is the pastor!) we had “Jump Around” by House of Pain blarring!

    Mom gave her little boy a talk about how disrespectful that was and how embarrassed they were that we did that. His response? “Would you rather have had us drive in with “Pussy Control” by Prince?”

  12. Hey Marvo,

    If you think that driving a mustang convertible turns you into an asshole, consider what happens if you drive a 1992 Ferrari Testarosa, as my boyfriend got to during Thanksgiving break. He kept producing this delighted but evil cackle as he drove that monster, while I hung on for dear life in the passenger seat.

    Oh, and BTW, did you know that “Winnie Cooper” majored in math at UCLA (she was in school at the same time as me, got her PhD in math, and co-wrote some sort of calculus tutorial book? Geez, even in real life she’s a genius!

  13. I’ve always wanted a convertible – does this mean that I would turn into an asshole prick-ette? Can females be pricks? I would say it would turn me into a bitch, but that ship has already sailed my friend. I don’t think a convertible would make me more bitchy because I don’t think that would be possible.

    Sorry to hear about the red penis though. But I suppose it’s better than being that nasty shade of gangrene.

  14. Heather Feather – I thought you would’ve figured it out, because he was much bigger. 😉

    Chuck – Since when is a Sebring an upgrade? 🙂

    Rachel – …and Frank Sinatra does it for the 80 year olds.

    Amy – You were in Florida? You should’ve played 2 Live Crew.

    Toni – Oooh, she’s just the way I like my women, smarter and better looking than me.

    DeDead – It really didn’t reject me, it just deflated.

    Clevegal42 – But a red penis is perfect for the holiday season. 🙂

  15. I think the best thing about owning a car like this is being able to say to people “would you like to ride my…. stang?”

  16. Heather Feather – Bigger is usually better with pots of gold, pots when cooking stew, and pot when it come to a joint.

  17. Also tea pots, pot brownies, pots in poker (betting), and pot holes in the street that other people don’t see and you do and you get to laugh at them as they get stuck in ’em.
    … Until they make you help them out of the pot hole and you spend the next 2 hours pushing a car with some preppy chick who refuses to help get HER car outta the hole cause “she can’t get dirty.” Bitch.
    Sorry… lil rant.

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