Month: December 2009

REVIEW: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream

Marvo 9 Comments

I wish the company Lovin’ Scoopful would change its name to Spoon Lovin’ because I just want to lie down next to their Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream with my chest facing its curved back and then stick my spoon in it. I’ll keep thrusting my spoon into it and scooping out pleasure until I’m satisfied, or sick, creating a creamy mess on my bed.

Of course, changing its name to Spoon Lovin’ would cause immature bloggers everywhere to giggle and somehow tie in Spoon Lovin’ with spooning — the sexual position.

A tub of the Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is packed with churned light caramel ice cream, caramel-filled chocolate cups and fudge ribbons. The use of churned light ice cream allows it to contain half the fat of regular ice cream, but not taste like light ice cream, which usually tastes like it was made of milk from the udders of anorexic cows.

Speaking of cows and milk, the dairy used in this ice cream comes from bovine that haven’t been treated with rBST, otherwise known as recombinant bovine somatotropin, an artificial growth hormone used to increase milk production in dairy cattle. Some folks also call rBST, Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is frickin’ delicious. The caramel ice cream was creamy, although not a creamy as premium ice cream, and had a strong caramel flavor. When it’s combined with the chocolate cups and fudge ribbon, it creates a euphoric flavor that makes me want to dance with a dairy cow in the middle of a cocoa bean rainstorm.

I love the way the fudge ribbon melts in my mouth, creating a gooey sensation. If I were a male stripper, I’d pour a tank of that gooey fudge in a kiddie pool, dive in it and charge willing women $300 to lick it off of me…and then return their money because they choked on my body hair, which I would forget to shave off before diving into the fudge.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is not only damn good, it does some damn good. Twenty-five percent of Lovin’ Scoopful’s profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes.

That’s just another good reason for me to keep spooning this ice cream.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream
Price: $4.99
Size: 1.75 quarts
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Frickin’ delicious. I’d spoon it. 25% of profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes. Half the fat of regular ice cream. Uses milk from cows that weren’t injected with an artificial growth hormone. Spooning.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Losing money because I forgot to shave body before jumping into fudge. Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

REVIEW: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

Marvo 17 Comments

Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

I wonder if Chinese people are ashamed when they eat at Panda Express because it’s a bastardized version of real Chinese food. I know I would be if I ate at a Japanese fast food restaurant called Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

Whenever I walk into a Panda Express, I like to look at the faces of the Chinese people in the restaurant to see if they feel any shame. No, not the people working behind the counter and the gigantic woks because they shouldn’t feel shame since they have the power to mess with our food.

I look at the faces of the Chinese people who are ordering the Kung Pao Chicken, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken to see if they grimace, close their eyes with disgust, or say under their breath “I’m sorry” to their dead ancestors who cooked real Chinese food. Unfortunately, I have yet to see shame from a Chinese person in a Panda Express. Perhaps they’re really good at hiding it when in public.

If you’re a Chinese person and enjoy Panda Express, but are ashamed when eating it, you can now have bastardized Chinese food that can be prepared in the comfort and privacy of your home with the Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal. You’ll still feel shame, except you probably won’t have to hide it, unless you have an elderly Chinese person living in your household.

The bagged Wanchai Ferry meal is made up of battered white meat chicken, pineapples, sugar snap peas, red peppers and jasmine rice in a sweet and sour sauce. I was hoping it would be easy to make, but preparing it is just like recovery from alcohol and drug addiction because there are a lot of steps. I’d list everything I needed to do before I was able to eat it, but if I did you would be cursing me after because during that same amount of time you could’ve easily driven to a Panda Express, picked up food and driven back. All I’m going to say is that it involves a lot of skillet work, microwaving a bag of rice and the ability to read.

The Sweet & Sour Chicken tasted like something I would wait in line at Panda Express for. The sweet and sour sauce was tasty, although a bit too thick. The vegetables and pineapples were limp, but I expected that since they were frozen, and they did provide a bit more flavor, especially the pineapples. The jasmine rice was cooked perfectly. As for the chicken, I hoped there would’ve been more and despite being pan fried to be heated, their breaded coating didn’t become crispy.

The Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Meal is meant for two, but I felt the serving sizes were a bit small. They were small enough that I feel ashamed of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package prepared – 590 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal
Price: $6.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and sour sauce was tasty. No trans fats. Lots of vegetables and pineapples. Allows Chinese people, and everyone else, to prepare bastardized Chinese food in the privacy of their own home. Panda Express.
Cons: Chicken wasn’t crispy and there wasn’t a lot of it. Veggies and fruits were limp. Lots of step to prepare it. Took me longer than the 14 minutes the packaging said it would take me to prepare it. Contains no MSG, except that which naturally occurs in autolyzed yeast extract, which means it has MSG. The shame I would have from eating at Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.