Since I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I don’t get the opportunity to face the extreme nipple-hardening weather many of you are experiencing or will be experiencing.
I’ve discovered one of the few ways my nipples can experience what your nipples are (or will be) going through is to wet my pointer fingers with my tongue after sucking on a popsicle and then using those fingers to rub my nipples in a circular motion until they’re stiff enough to poke an eye or make it look like there are two volcanoes sticking out of the hairy forest on my chest.
Because it’s extremely rare for me to experience temperatures well below 68 degrees for days, weeks or months at a time, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be standing in the checkout line in a warm grocery or convenience store and be reminded of the harsh, fripple-inducing weather outside by the chewing gum and mint flavors on the shelves next to the checkout counter.
These flavors include: Wintermint, Cool Rush, WinterFresh, Polar Ice, Cool Mint, Winterfrost, Midnight Cool, Dragonfruit Freeze, Arctic Chill, Wintergreen, Lemon Ice, Crystal Frost and Shiver Mint. Brrrr. My nipples are a little stiff from just saying those names.
Another product that might depress someone before heading out into frigid weather is the new Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints. Yup, it’s got the words “ice” and “frost” in its name, a word for each nipple.
While Altoids describes their mints as, “Curiously Strong,” Ice Breakers alliterates their Frost Mints as “Perfectly Powerful.” Each circular Frost Mint is roughly the size of my nipples and has the same “flavor crystals” found in Ice Breakers gum. However, those crystals are part of a chalky coating and once that coating melts away, all that’s left is a smooth meek mint.
Overall, they’re good peppermint-flavored mints and are “Perfectly Powerful” for those who can’t handle the minty burn of regular Altoids. I estimate the Frost Mints provide 75 percent of the minty power of Altoids, but that’s not enough for me. Because as someone who masochistically sticks several Altoids in my mouth at one time while simultaneously rubbing my nipples, that 75 percent doesn’t come close to satisfying my desire for painful minty pleasure.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 mint – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohols and 0 grams of protein.)
Item: Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints
Price: $2.19
Size: 1.2 ounces/Approx. 30 mints
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good peppermint-flavored mint. Sugar-free. Perfectly powerful for those who can’t tolerate the curiously strong Altoids. Putting the word nipple in every paragraph of this review. Minty pleasure.
Cons: Once outer coating melts away, minty flavor weakens. Uses some artificial flavor. Won’t satisfy those who enjoy the slightly painful sensation of Altoids. Fripple-inducing weather. Container is not as cool as an Altoids tin. Being reminded of the cold weather by chewing gums and mints.