Month: November 2010

REVIEW: Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs

Marvo 11 Comments

Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs

The Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs look like trailer trash cuisine that involved snapping into a Slim Jim and then snapping into the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Other Savorings flavors sound a lot classier, like artichoke and spinach, cream cheese and jalapeno, and cheese and spinach. With those high quality varieties, I didn’t think Pillsbury would attempt to make an upscaled version of pigs in a blanket and take the Savorings line down to the level of Boy Scout meeting grub.

Just look at the Pillsbury Doughboy on the front of the box smiling like he’s offering us the greatest Canadian microwaveable product of all time. How can he be smiling? He’s offering us something he wouldn’t eat himself, because doing so would be cannibalism to him.

You know who shouldn’t be smiling? People who buy the Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs and Canadians. Why Canadians? Because, as Cybele from Candy Blog pointed out after I posted the photo above on Flickr, if it’s from Canada, shouldn’t it be spelled Savourings?

A box of this Savorings variety contains ten pieces which are made up of “soft pastry wrapped around a miniature smoky sausage.” The pieces are small, so if you’re planning to take some to a Boy Scout meeting, you should buy several boxes, unless you’re bringing the snack to one of the world’s smallest Boy Scout troops, which consist of just two fervent preteens who will become Eagle Scouts before they even kiss a girl.

Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs 2

To prepare a serving, place five pieces on a plate as if they’re the points to create the Star of Sodium and Saturated Fat, and then microwave for one minute. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MICROWAVE JUST ONE UNLESS YOU WISH TO TURN THE SAUSAGE INTO ASH AND HAVE YOUR MICROWAVE SMELL LIKE CARNAGE FOR SEVERAL DAYS, OR IF YOU WISH TO WIPE THAT SMILE OFF THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’S FACE.

WHEN I PREPARED…OH WAIT, I’M SORRY. When I prepared them properly, the pastry wasn’t very soft, was awfully dry and bland tasting. Also, the mini pork, chicken and beef sausages were a bit too salty and had me yearning for the unnatural red color and normal saltiness of hot dogs.

If you’re trying to convince Boy Scouts or anyone else into thinking you made them fresh, you won’t. Although if you’re willing to admit you really suck at cooking, because Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs aren’t very good, you might get away with it. But either way, you’ll be breaking the trustworthiness part of the Scout Law.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces/85 grams – 290 calories, 150 calories of fat, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein and 8% iron.)

*made with partially hydrogenated soybean oil

Item: Pillsbury Savorings Mini Crescent Dogs
Price: $4.29
Size: 10 dogs
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Quick to prepare. Hot dogs. Other Savorings flavors. Pigs in a blanket. Watching the Pillsbury Doughboy eat bread.
Cons: Dough came out not soft, dry and bland. Sausage was a bit too salty. Excellent source of sodium and saturated fat. Contains only two servings. Sausage looks like Slim Jim pieces. Can’t microwave in smaller amounts than what’s in the instructions. Becoming Eagle Scout before kissing a girl.

REVIEW: Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced

Kelley 10 Comments

Slim Jim Tabasco Beef Jerky

I love Slim Jims. I love beef jerky. I also love Tabasco sauce. These things said, reviewing Slim Jim’s Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced was a no-brainer for me.

I’m rather finicky about my beef jerky. Growing up, my dad used to get beef jerky from the Meat Shop around the corner. Not a butcher shop, not “Big John’s Meat Shop,” just Meat Shop. Located in a dingy strip mall, sandwiched between a liquor store and a laundromat, you know Meat Shop was quality.

The beef jerky from Meat Shop was perfectly seasoned and perfectly peppered. You could chew it as long as a piece of Fruit Stripe, but it wasn’t tough or gristly. It was magical beef jerky. Then one day, Meat Shop went out of business. Even as a child, I had an old woman’s resistance to change. I remember getting unreasonably upset when the Lucky’s grocery store down the street changed into an Albertson’s. I was ten years old at the time; I didn’t even go grocery shopping. But the sign change alone was enough to send me into tantrums and tears. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but you get the point.

Ever since Meat Shop closed, I’ve been chasing the jerky dragon. Jack Link’s didn’t satisfy. Pemmican’s made me want to give their racist Injun mascot a comfy blanket infected with smallpox. Oberto’s had me saying “Oh Noes” instead of “Oh Boy!” I could go on, but I’ve already stretched the joke too thin.

It seems like anyone over the age of 17 finds it gauche to say they like Slim Jims. There’s a good reason for that – they are greasy, salty, and you can tell it’s the epitome of unhealthy food from a hundred feet away. Don’t tell that to Macho Man Randy Savage though; he’ll yell at you to snap into one until you go deaf. Mr. Savage aside, let’s be real, here: if you’re eating something that contains mechanically-separated chicken and sodium nitrite, you are either young and foolish or old and self-destructive. Guess which category I fall under.

Beef jerky is actually a little more healthy, and it’s more acceptable to eat in public, especially if you are on a road trip rolling in a 1965 Sunbeam Tiger Mk1. If there’s not at least one pouch of beef jerky and one bag of sunflower seeds bought at a truck stop convenience store during your road trip, you’re doing it wrong. Slim Jim’s beef jerky doesn’t taste like a Slim Jim, but that’s fine, as I’m sure that wasn’t their intention. Slim Jim is just the name that gets the jerky out there.

As for the Tabasco, it’s definitely prominent; even just opening up the pouch, you are hit with that familiar smell of capsaicin and vinegar. The hot sauce does indeed spice up the beef jerky, as promised in the name of the product. The spice builds up as you eat each piece, culminating in a burn coating the inside of your mouth that would be unacceptable to sissies but just hot enough to satisfy someone who douses their eggs in Tabasco. You can also strongly taste the vinegar, which I enjoyed, but I think others may not like their beef jerky having a vinegar flavor to it.

Slim Jim Beef Jerky Tabasco 2

As for the texture, it’s hit-and-miss. The smaller, thinner pieces are soft and juicy, causing a pleasant burst of saliva as you chew. The larger pieces are too tough and dry, resulting in Beef Jerky Sore Jaw Syndrome. I hate BJSJS. Unfortunately, my bag was mostly full of big pieces that broke off into jerky splinters rather than breaking down into a flavorful jerky chew.

While Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced delivered on the Tabasco flavor, that may be a double-edged sword, as the hot sauce’s signature burst of vinegar flavor may be a turn-off for some jerky lovers. I would actually like to see a jerky spiced with chipotle Tabasco; the chipotle version tones down the vinegar and delivers a great smoky flavor that I think would work much better with beef jerky. The small pieces were spot-on in flavor and texture, but the big pieces were dry and difficult to chew, and it’s disappointing that my bag was almost all big pieces.

If Slim Jim could refine their jerky-making process to avoid BJSJS, I’d be much more of a fan of Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced. As it stands, I enjoyed the flavor, but the good pieces were too few and far between. Maybe the next time I see this product, I’ll take the time to be a total jerk (hurrr) in the store and spend ten minutes trying to find a bag with more of the small pieces.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package/51 grams) — 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 21 grams of protein and 20% iron.)

Item: Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced
Price: $1.99
Size: 1.8 oz.
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Strong, authentic Tabasco flavor. Road trips in cool cars. Small pieces were juicy and delicious. “Meat Shop.” Nice spicy burn. Macho Man Randy Savage.
Cons: Mostly big pieces, which were tough and dry. BJSJS. Vinegar taste may be off-putting to some. Change of any kind. Serious lack of the small, tasty pieces.

NEWS: Replenish Multi-Surface Cleaner Looks To Make Room In Your Recycling Bin For More Beer Bottles

Marvo 2 Comments

Eco-friendly cleaner newcomer, Replenish, recently came out with their first product that provides buyers with just an empty spray bottle and a pod that contains a concentrated cleaner. The only part Replenish doesn’t provide is the water to turn that empty bottle into a full one.

It’s up to buyers to provide the water. Hopefully, not bottled water, because that would defeat the purpose. Also, hopefully, not Evian water, because that would be pretentious.

The purpose of this setup is to encourage buyers to reuse the spray bottle, which means less plastic in their recycle bins and more room for Bud Light bottles and failed bong making attempts in glass blowing class.

Each pod of concentrated cleaner is good for four full bottles. To make a full bottle, screw the pod to the empty spray bottle, turn everything upside down and squeeze the pod to get the concentrate into the reservoir in the empty spray bottle. Then add water and mix. The concentrate is 98 percent plant-based, biodegradable, non-toxic and pH neutral.

Replenish comes in three varieties: Sun Lemon, Green Tea and Fresh Lavender. A reusable bottle with a pod of concentrated cleaner costs $7.99. A replacement pod will set you back $3.99.

Replenish Website

Image via flickr user mukluk / CC BY 2.0/

NEWS: Tubeless Toilet Paper Could Reduce The Amount of Crappy Kids Craft Projects You Throw Away

Marvo 6 Comments

Kimberly-Clark introduced this week Scott Naturals Tube-Free, a toilet paper roll without the inner cardboard roll.

While it’s great for the environment, if the TP technology is successful and other companies follow suit, it could equate to a drop in the number of times parents have to put on a fake smile and pretend to be proud of their child when they bring home a crappy craft project they made in school using toilet paper rolls, construction paper and glue.

The tubeless rolls are made using a “special winding process.” While the roll’s hole won’t be perfectly round, it will fit on any toilet paper spindle. But that’s just a small price to pay so that you’ll have fewer toilet paper animals, toilet paper flowers and toilet paper rockets to throw away when you have to make room for your child’s elbow macaroni art.

The Scott Naturals Tube-Free toilet paper is currently available at Walmart and Sam’s Club stores throughout the northeastern U.S.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes

Marvo 19 Comments

Kellogg's Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes

For years, I thought Corn Flakes were made from rejected Frosted Flakes that weren’t sweet enough. I later found out that was not the case since Corn Flakes predates Frosted Flakes by about 50 years. But when I learned that, it made me wonder if Frosted Flakes were just rejected Corn Flakes that were too awesome.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, because Corn Flakes are almost flavorless, they’re the breakfast cereal equivalent of water. The cereal has been around for over 100 years, but to be honest, I’m not sure anyone has been eating them for the past 25 years. I certainly haven’t.

Whenever I go through the cereal aisle, I swear the Corn Flakes boxes are the only ones that seem as if they haven’t been touched. It looks like a Jenga puzzle that no one wants to face for fear of knocking all the other boxes down.

Ever since I became a big boy and began shopping on my own, I’ve never seen anyone purchase a box of Corn Flakes. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boxes currently on shelves expired sometime in the late 1990s. I would find out, but that would involve me pulling a box from the shelf, which could cause all the other boxes to fall and make everyone in the aisle yell “Jenga” at me.

But someone must be purchasing boxes of Corn Flakes, either for feeding birds or so that they’ll have something cheap to donate that will allow them to say they participated in their company’s food drive.

Kellogg's Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes 2

Maybe I’ll eat some Corn Flakes for nostalgia’s sake, or maybe I’ll just eat Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes and say close enough. Because I can eat through a box of Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes, but I can’t do the same with regular Corn Flakes. It would be wasting Corn Flakes, since I haven’t successfully donated an opened box of cereal to a food drive.

I do think Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes is a tasty step up from regular Corn Flakes. However, it’s best eaten dry instead of with milk. Just like milk has the ability to tone down the effects of spicy food, it also can subdue the cereal’s cinnamon flavor.

Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes has a modest name. It really should be christened Thank Goodness Cinnamon Makes Corn Flakes Tolerable Corn Flakes. Not all the flakes are sprinkled with cinnamon, but there’s enough to make Corn Flakes taste less like an Amazon.com shipping box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/1.1 ounces – 120 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 20 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a variety of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes
Price: $4.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A tasty step up from regular Corn Flakes. Fat free. Contains vitamins and minerals. Corn Flakes are great for donating to food drives. Great when eaten dry. Doesn’t taste like an Amazon.com shipping box. Frosted Flakes. Buying stuff from Amazon.com.
Cons: Regular Corn Flakes. Cinnamon flavor is subdued in milk. Not all the flakes are sprinkled with cinnamon. Does get soggy quickly. Causing a mess at the grocery store and then having “Jenga” yelled at you. Food banks not accepting opened boxes.