There are times I feel like, for as great as modern life is, things might be a little too advanced, with too many choices for us to handle.After realizing my cell phone was in fact a tin can with a string tied to it, I got a new smart phone. It can give directions to anywhere in the world and track weather patterns; I mainly use it to play Angry Birds and check baseball scores. I have a TV that gets roughly 700 channels; I watch five of them.I’m writing and you’re reading thisonmachines capable of accessing libraries around the globe, and the most spirited debate I’ve seen today was about whether, even if given human intelligence, there are really enough apes in the city of San Francisco to stagea successful uprising. (Which: point, but I really feel like once you’ve bought into the notion of hyper-intelligent apes, it’s time to leave your finer points of military strategy at the door, Sun Tzu.)
Yet every time I start feeling like progress is passing me by, some food company will release a product that makes us all wonder why no one ever thought of it before. Well hold onto your butts, because the latest embarrassment of riches has arrived in the form of Triple Double Oreos. Those of you who have a hard time dealing with the opulence that is Double Stuf Oreos might want to quit reading now, as there’s a very real chance that merely hearing about the Triple Double will make the rest of us have to look away awkwardly and pretend that’s just water on your pants.
Now that we’ve dispensed with the nancies, the rest of you are ready to hear about the next phase in Nabisco’s arms race against Keebler. Remember that Onion article from a few years back with a supposed Gillette executive proclaiming “Fuck everything, we’re doing five blades”? And then a couple of years later, the actual Gillette company really did? Well, this is Nabisco’s five blades. More specifically, it’s two Oreo cookies mashed together like so: cookie top, vanilla creme filling, cookie middle, chocolate creme filling, cookie bottom.
I have to be honest: as much as what I just described would’ve blown the mind of a kid in 1975, it’s still less than what I was expecting. The words “triple” and “double” right next to each other had me conjuring visions of mammoth Oreos you couldn’t fit in your mouth without unhinging your jaw,like the cookie equivalent of a Dagwood sandwich. That… is not this. It’s really just two Oreos (one and two-thirds if you’re a math nerd) (which I’m not) stacked atop one another; the three cookie layers provide the “triple” element, while the twin layers of creme filling account for the “double.” I initially suspected that the filling layers would be extra thick, like Double Stuf Oreos, hence the “double” part of the name. Turns out I was wrong; they aren’t any thicker than normal Oreos, there are simply two layers. And I guess technically that makes sense, but since regular Oreos have both a top and a bottom cookie, the “triple” part feels pretty disingenuous. Maybe that’s just me.
On the plus side, they taste basically the same as regular Oreos, which is to say quite good. Perfectionist that I am, I performed controlled taste tests both with and without milk (1%, if you’re looking to replicate the experiment yourself), and the results were as expected: prettytasty plain, significantly better in milk. If I have a quibble, it’s that they might as well have saved themselves the trouble of using chocolate creme. The chocolate of the cookie layers is so dominant that you can’t taste any chocolate in the creme, so it’s really just a marketing tool to look more appealing to your subconscious. Hell, for all I know it’s just vanilla creme with brown food coloring thrown in. That actually would not surprise me in the least.
On the more negative end of the spectrum is the fact that HOLY BALLS THESE THINGS ARE 100 CALORIES APIECE. Apiece. When a calorie count makes even me blanch, you know it’s bad. It’s not like I’ve never eaten high-calorie desserts before, but usually they’re at least something big. In this case I think the Triple Doubles’ heft may work against them — you’re still going to eat a few at a time because no one has eaten a lone Oreo in the history of ever; but then you remember they’re 100 calories apiece and your head explodes. So, hey, watch out for that.
I can still recommend Triple Double Oreos for your consumption, but not unequivocally, and I doubt they’ll be around for long. Like most ridiculously overindulgent products bestowed upon us by food companies, they make for a nice gimmick but will never replace the classic brand and are targeting the same market share. I don’t expect there are too many people out there thinking, “You know, I like the taste of Oreos and all, but until they’re ready totake it to the next level, eff those guys.” So if you’re interested in trying them out, I’d plan on doing so sooner rather than later. You may be disappointed that they aren’t so gargantuan as to come one to a package, but come on: how bad can an Oreo really be?
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 100 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)
Item: Nabisco Triple Double Oreo
Price: $2.99
Size: 13.1 ounces/18 cookies
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Taking it to the next level. Dissecting the finer points of Planet of the Apes. Five blades. Not having to unhinge your jaw. Triple doubling up on milk. Not stingy on the creme. Tastes just like a regular Oreo.
Cons: Not really triple, unless you usually eat your Oreos open-faced. Embarrassment of cookie riches. 100 bleeping calories apiece. A bit disappointing visually. Tastes… just like a regular Oreo.