Month: August 2011

REVIEW: Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers

Drew 6 Comments

Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers

If there’s one thing I don’t have much of other than money, good looks, viable job skills, money, and sexual machismo, it’s a lot of time to spend in the morning just relaxing.  I admire those who are able to savor a leisurely cup of coffee and a scone while reading the New York Times and presumably playing a game of backgammon, but that’s not the life I’ve chosen for myself.  The life I’ve chosen is filled with exchanges like this:

“Daddy I want milk and apple juice and milk in my bowl and Kix in my bowl.” [actual quote]

“You know Daddy doesn’t speak Dictator.”

“Please I can have milk and Kix and apple juice and milk pleeeeeeaaaassee?”

That’s not a complaint — I’ve wanted a small creature chirping pidgin English at me ever since we hosted that exchange student when I was a kid — but it does make every morning a whirlwind of heating bottles, pouring cereal, brushing teeth, reminding someone that we only spit out our toothpaste when we’re over the sink, da–… ang it, and getting out the door.  So something I can eat on the fly is a plus, and doubly so if it gives me a complete meal of eggs, cheese, bacon, and a biscuit in 10 easy bites.  That was enough to make me take a look at Eggo Biscuit Scramblers, like a drunk blearily peering across the bar at last call to figure out just how many… dozen pounds overweight the last female patron is, and whether it’s worth sending over a drink.  Maybe not, but you’ll never know unless you try.  Sorry, that one kind of got away from me.  (NOT based on real events, I’m happy to say.)

The scramblers come in two varieties, with and without bacon, though of course you know which one I picked.  (I don’t feel guilty, I’ve read “Animal Farm.”)  They look pretty similar to a normal biscuit, maybe a bit larger, definitely a little heavier.  The back of the box suggests heating them for 45 seconds, but either that’s inaccurate or my microwave is weaker than my metaphors, because it left parts of the scrambler colder than a really, really, really cold thing.  Personally I found a full minute to be a much better choice.

Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers Innards

Upon cutting one open to snap a picture, I was struck by how the filling layer extended the length of the biscuit but was kind of thin.  You know how sometimes you buy a bismark or jelly-filled donut and it takes like three bites before you get any filling, and how cheated you feel?  The scramblers aren’t as extreme as that (there weren’t any bites with zero filling), but I still could’ve done with a little less biscuit and a little more yum.  For me the biscuit is like the opening act at a concert: they may be pretty good, I might enjoy them, but they’re not why I bought the ticket.

What filling there is is pretty good though, I’ll admit.  The egg and biscuit are definitely the dominant flavors, probably the egg a bit more so.  The cheese is a subtler taste but pervades the entire scrambler, content to play second fiddle to the unborn baby birds.  By contrast, the bacon asserts itself a little more but is frustratingly sporadic.  At times you think “Oh ho, I have you now!” as you chomp down on a meaty mouthful, but other times you wonder if pigs were just declared an endangered species.  I think the issue is that the bacon mostly comes in small flecks rather than big strips.  The total volume may or may not be the same, but it just doesn’t feel as substantial.  As for the biscuit, you won’t be mistaking it for one that came out of Paula Deen’s oven, but it could’ve been a lot worse — it’s not particularly flaky, but it’s reasonably soft and light.

I’d love to tell you that the scramblers are every bit as good as a breakfast sandwich from your favorite fast food joint, but I cannot tell a lie.  Or, well, I can, but then Marvo doesn’t pay me.  The truth is that they’re a reasonably tasty on-the-go morning food, probably a little more filling than a Pop-Tart but every bit as bad for you.  (The calorie count isn’t bad, but check out that sodium.  That’s 27% of your recommended daily value.  BAM!)  Despite not being as delicious, the scramblers are certainly cheaper and more convenient than stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for a comparable sandwich, so they might be worth it to you anyway.  And if your mornings sound remotely like mine, that just might make the decision for you.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 biscuit — 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, 33 grams of other carbohydrates, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers
Price: $4.79
Size: 4 biscuits
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Easy to eat while carrying child upside down.  Pidgin English.  Good size.  Filling runs the length of the biscuit.  Acceptable calorie count.  Tasty cheese and eggs, decent biscuit.  Sending over a drink at last call.
Cons: Inaccurate microwave times.  Thinnish layer of filling.  Opening acts.  Uneven bacon distribution.  High sodium count.  Not as good as a fast food breakfast sandwich (though probably not as bad for you either).

REVIEW: Chex Mix Muddy Buddies

Jeff 17 Comments

Chex Mix Muddy Buddies

As a culture, we love food stuffed with more food inside. Witness offerings of pizza crusts with molten cheese in the middle, the obligatory jalapeno poppers with your 2-for-1 margaritas, mozzarella encased inside hamburgers, chili piped into hot dogs, pretzel bits inside M&M’s, bourgeois slanted artisan olives with sardines and the Noah’s Ark of gluttony: The Turducken. So it is only natural that we want our Chex cereal entombed in chocolate and peanut butter as well.

The ubiquitous Chex Mix is perhaps one of the easiest things to prepare but as a society we’ve become too busy to be bothered to mix things in a bowl. And why should we? We’re busy people damn it! And we’re also a fickle population since there are more than a dozen varieties of Chex Mix available to fit your personality (the package touts “A bag of interesting!” and we want to be a Goddamned bag of interesting). We want efficiency, instant gratification, and a snack that is easy to fist in our maws as we multitask. Yay Betty Crocker and General Mills!

Walking into my neighborhood convenience store to scarf down a breakfast burrito with pebbles of sausage, I found the Chocolate Chex Mix Muddy Buddies staring at me. Muddy Buddies? I have to admit; the name is horrible because it sounds like a coy reference to anal sex. I will let you know that this Chex Mix is neither interesting nor as exciting as anal sex (if you’re into that stuff) but it’s pretty damn good. I normally think that the bagged snack is sometimes too salty and the chocolate line is a bit too sweet for my liking. However, the “Muddy Buddies” version is a good balance of sweet and a hint of salt.

I’ve only found this in the small 4.5 ounce bags at a gas station and at $2.29, I was taking a personal fiscal risk. My assumption is if these become successful, they will probably bring them in the normal size at the supermarkets. These Chex Mix fall in their “chocolate” subset versus the normally found “salty” and the “sweet and salty” groups. In other words, these particular ones may be a bit more difficult to find.

Yeah…I’m not making this up. Chex Mix created its own three subgroups just to make it even more convenient for you — Chocolate, Salty, and Sweet and Salty. I have this urge to draw you readers a Venn diagram, but that’s my OCD talking.

Chex Mix Muddy Buddies Innards

Speaking of OCD, ripping open the package was a bit alarming since the sweet powdery coating is so severe. You would think Brian De Palma is filming a sequel to Scarface in each bag. I was worried I would be covered in the sugar, but the powder doesn’t flake off. So you can wear your black clothes, chow down and you won’t look like you have dandruff or a major coke problem. Aren’t cocaine problems passé anyhow? I also thought the sugary powder would overtake the Chex, but it doesn’t. It nicely compliments the chocolate and the peanut butter.

The texture has a very slight give and then that satisfying crunch that will elate you enough to eat the whole bag. The Chex are deceptively small and at 130 calories for a basic handful does it really matter that it’s “50% less fat than regular potato chips” as the bag screams? I found myself devouring the entire thing while watching only a fourth of Cheaters. Seriously, Joey Greco didn’t even get to show the video yet to the girlfriend with big hair.

The chocolate flavor is very much in the background and what you mostly taste is peanut butter and corn Chex. The peanut butter is resoundingly good as it doesn’t have that fake taste like that peanut butter crunch cereal nor is it overwhelming like a peanut butter cup. It’s quick, and then it leaves you. Nice. As I stated before, no one flavor alone takes over and it is a simple harmonious bite. It’s Yin and Yang in your mouth. Not sure if it is a bag of interesting but you could do worse, like butt sex.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Chex Mix Muddy Buddies
Price: $2.29
Size: 4.5 ounces/4.5 servings in each bag coincidentally
Purchased at: At a scary 7-Eleven where all the gas pumps have yellow bags on them
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A great balance of flavors, especially since peanut butter can drown everything. Satisfying snack. Joey Greco. Sugar doesn’t flake off, so members of Rammstein or The Cure can eat it without looking as if they had a coke habit. Brian De Palma’s movies.
Cons: You will not be a bag of interesting but you will eat the whole damn thing without knowing it. A bit pricey for a small bag. Butt sex.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Jeff

Jeff 7 Comments

Hello…there I said it. I don’t like saying hello.

I’m Jeff and what I do like is food found in gas stations, imbibing copious amounts of whiskey, and wearing blazers. I also like The Impulsive Buy. I came across this site when I was trying to track down Creamiscle Oreos and discovered their review. Ever since then, I make it a daily habit of mine to check the site and brush my teeth. I am also the newest member of The Impulsive Buy’s ensemble of reviewers.

I am one of sixteen people living in Central Florida who do not work for Disney or Universal.

I work in the legal realm so you can trust me because I wear a suit, a tie, and listen to smooth jazz. My writing career consists of angry drunk texting, random scrawling on bathroom stalls, and the occasional legal memorandum. I also sweat more than the average person because of my penchant for said blazers. As a child, I grew up in my family’s restaurant business so food has always been a passion of mine. I try everything at least once, except for brown rice sushi (if you eat that stuff, you are a jerk).

While other “foodies” are foraging for mushrooms or herbs in those creepy forests, I can be found at the neighborhood 7-Eleven scavenging the aisles for that elusive limited edition release. The wafts coming from a seldom cleaned bathroom at these places never discourage me. Speaking of toilets, you can be assured of one thing: I will risk a potentially horrible bowel movement just to get a review to you dear TIB Reader. Bad poops are a small price and besides I brush my teeth.

Donning shorts, a navy sports coat, and speeding at a dangerous 26 mph on my midnight blue Vespa, I am out looking for products awaiting judgment. I will be straightforward with you in my recommendations. They may not be elegant, but my reviews for TIB are going to be direct and to the point. I hope to maintain the high bar that you have all come to know from TIB. Expect me to inform you, help you, and, of course, brush my teeth. Just don’t expect me to say hello.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Sausage

Marvo 14 Comments

Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter

For me, breakfast for dinner means serving myself a bowl of some cereal that’s either rainbow-colored or chocolate brown and watching on my computer, and in my pajamas, old episodes of Spongebob Squarepants I bought via iTunes. But now I can enjoy the new Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter while I watch Spongebob Squarepants in my PJs.

Just look at the conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins in the picture above. If that doesn’t fill you up, remind me to never treat you to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce. The items in a Jumbo Breakfast Platter sound like they could replace some of the gifts in the song, “Twelve Days of Christmas.”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
What looks like 12 scrambled eggs
11 Pipers Piping
10 Lords-a-Leaping
9 Ladies Dancing
8 Mini Pancakes
7 Swans-a-Swimming
6 Geese-a-Laying
5 Hash Brown Sticks
4 Colly Birds
3 French Hens
2 Pancake Condiments
And a greasy sausage patty.

Of course, this changes slightly if you order the Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Bacon, which I instantly decided against, because I have yet to find a fast food place that fries up decent bacon slices.

Now some of you might be thinking that this conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins is unhealthy. But, I believe everything is fine in moderation, and the Jumbo Breakfast Platter isn’t as bad as what Burger King and McDonald’s offers. A Jumbo Jack Breakfast Platter has 747 calories, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1,168 milligrams of sodium. However, a McDonald’s Big Breakfast with Hotcakes has 1090 calories, 56 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, and 2,150 milligrams of sodium, while a BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter has 1310 calories, 72 grams of fat, 26 grams of saturated fat, and 2,490 milligrams of sodium. But, again, everything is fine in moderation, even the BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter.

As you can see in the photo above, someone at Jack in the Box doesn’t know how to make good scrambled eggs, but they tasted fine. And so did everything else. The mini pancakes were soft; the sausage patty had a wider circumference than other fast food sausage patties; and the hash browns, being in stick form, were easy to dip in ketchup. Overall, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a tasty, filling, and inexpensive meal. I paid $3.99 for it, but most participating locations not on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean sell it for $2.99. At either price, the Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a bargain.

However, there’s a way to make it better.

Using the mini pancakes as buns, I stacked half of a hash brown stick, some of the scrambled eggs, and a fourth of the breakfast sausage patty to make a mini breakfast sandwich, which I dipped into the container of Log Cabin syrup. It was damn good and it was as if sugar and salt were consummating their marriage in my mouth.

Sadly, I won’t be able to enjoy it for very long, since Jack in the Box’s Jumbo Breakfast Platter is around for a limited time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 breakfast platter with sausage – 747 calories, 426 calories from fat, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 438 milligrams of cholesterol, 1168 milligrams of sodium, 586 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Sausage
Price: $3.99
Size: Lots of food
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tasty greasy breakfast. Filling. Soft mini pancakes. Wide sausage patty. Helluva lot of scrambled eggs. A good bargain. Making mini breakfast sandwiches.
Cons: Limited time offer. Eating just a bowl of cereal for dinner. Treating people with big appetites to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce.

REVIEW: Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub

Marvo 16 Comments

Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub

Yes. No. Yes.

Those are the answers to the following questions about Subway’s new Oven Crisp Chicken sub.

Are they really prepared in an oven? Yes, the pieces of breaded chicken are heated up in Subway’s proprietary toasting oven (yes, the same one they toast the bread in).

Are the breaded oven baked chicken pieces crispy? No, they are not at all crispy.

Are they using real pieces of chicken? Yes, they are real pieces of chicken. Although, after eating them, some might disagree.

Preparing the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub looks like it’s a pain in the ass for the Sandwich Artists behind the counter. I ordered a footlong on Italian bread with honey mustard sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers, and while it sounds like a simple sandwich, it sure took awhile to make. The guy who made my sandwich had to stick the two pieces of chicken in their super-duper proprietary toasting oven for what seemed to be a long time when you have a slowly growing line of people wanting you to make a sandwich for them.

But all that time spent in an oven that, to be honest, doesn’t even do a good job of toasting bread, didn’t help with making the exterior of the chicken crispy. I couldn’t hear or feel any crispiness. Oh, the sandwich did have a little crunchiness, but that was thanks to the lettuce and cucumbers I put in it and definitely not the chicken.

Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub Innards

If you look closely at one of the pieces of chicken in this sandwich, it looks like there are some herbs in the breading. However, whatever flavor is in the breading, it easily gets lost if you add any condiment. Even a bite of chicken, sans honey mustard sauce, had very little flavor. Along with not having much flavor, the chicken is also a bit dry, which is actually par for the course when it comes to any Subway chicken sandwich.

Overall, I think the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub is slightly better tasting than Subway’s Oven Roasted Chicken. Although, to be honest, that’s not saying much since I don’t think too highly of the Oven Roasted Chicken sub.

(Nutrition Facts – 6-inch sub – 420 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6.7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub
Price: $7.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s new. Slightly better than the Subway Oven Roasted Chicken sub. The bread is making my bones strong.
Cons: It takes awhile to make. Not crispy. Chicken didn’t have much flavor. Subway’s proprietary ovens can’t make chicken or bread crispy. Vegetables provided all the sandwich’s crunchiness.