Maybe I’m jaded by fall 2021’s original Crazy Calzony, but my first thought upon seeing this uncannily bat-shaped tangle of bread and cheese was not “Oh, the humanity!” but “Wait… this one actually genuinely looks cool, seriously, I’m not even being ironic this time!” Unlike the deformed plus sign of yore, the Batman Calzony packs more pizza than calzone. It’s shaped something like what would happen if you bit a giant chunk off the top and bottom of a normal pizza pie and then immediately felt guilty and grafted half a calzone onto each gap in the hopes that no one would notice. (If Frankenstein ever gets a new movie adaptation, I have ideas for the next Calzony tie-in.)
The pizza patches are definitely thinner than the typical Caesarean slice, but intriguingly, they retain that soft, chewy texture that can be hard to find outside of thicker pizzas. This worked really well for me, giving a satisfying snap as I bit through the toppings and into the dough and allowing all the tastes — savory cheese, meaty pepperoni, sweet sauce, and bready crust — to mingle together easily. But if the two components of the Calzony are a crime-fighting duo with the superpower of novelty appeal, let’s just say that the pizza parts are the Robin.
Living up to Batman’s rep, the calzone sections immediately appear more glamorous and mysterious, artsily dotted with flavorful cheese. Biting into them, though, is an inconsistent experience. The squared edge where the calzone separates from the main body of the pie is breadier, both at its base and because of the dough folded on top of it, which is distinct both visually and taste-wise from the tapered end. In promo pictures, you can clearly see julienned pepperoni swimming in the open-faced cheese, but I insist they were not so prominent in my Batman Calzony!
Starting from said bread edge, the experience was like a traditional fast food breadstick, mild, garlicky, and pleasantly airy. In my second bite, I was waylaid by a surprisingly spicy pepperoni. I don’t think anyone should find it too fiery to handle, but the zing was noticeable enough to be worth mentioning and tangy enough to deal a pretty potent blast of flavor. However, things were conspicuously un-cheesy until I reached the pointed edge. Even so, if you’re expecting a hearty mouthful of ricotta like you might get at your local non-Little-Caesars pizzeria, you might be disappointed. It struck me as kind of sneakily brilliant that the official press release does not actually describe this section as a calzone in and of itself, but rather as “a calzone crust filled with garlic white sauce, cheese, and julienned pepperoni,” because the filling isn’t exactly the most, well, filling, and while all the ingredients of a calzone are there, I found the whole thing lacking in cohesion.
Of course, cohesion is not likely to be anyone’s main reason for purchasing a novelty fast food pizza product shaped like the Bat-Symbol, so I’m still going to recommend this. After all, I’m not a superhero expert, but isn’t making sacrifices for the sake of looking cool kind of the whole point of Batman in the first place?
Purchased Price: $7.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 pizza) 2650 calories, 123 grams of fat, 50 grams of saturated fat, 245 milligrams of cholesterol, 6010 milligrams of sodium, 256 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 109 grams of protein.