Author: Drew

REVIEW: Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits (Chocolate and Cinnamon Brown Sugar)

Drew 6 Comments

Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits (Chocolate and Cinnamon Brown Sugar)

I’ve prattled on before about how, with two small kids and a propensity to stay up late writing dubiously amusing food reviews, I often don’t have a lot of time in the morning.  You’ve heard me talk about shoveling down a waffle while simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, and doling out Cheerios to a creature who knows “Daddy,” “purple,” and “shoe,” but not “Oh father, if I do not receive more toasted oat cereal immediately, I shall surely perish.”  (We’re working on it.) 
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So I’m always open to a new breakfast product that promises I can eat it on-the-go without having to actually visit a Dunkin’ Donuts, because then you’re always like, “Do I put a dollar in the tip jar?”  They probably make minimum wage, but really: dude grabbed two donuts off a shelf and threw them in a bag.  It took four seconds, for that I’m going to tip 53 percent?  Then you feel bad and put in the dollar because seriously, you have a steady job at a place where you aren’t forced to wait on impatient, sleep-deprived assholes who are too cheap to tip.  Don’t be that guy.

Where were we?  Oh, on-the-go foods.  As we established, there’s value in something you can eat in the car while someone gleefully belts out “Welcome fame?  He’s ignored.  Action is his reward!” from the back seat.  Nabisco is already in that market with their belVita breakfast biscuits, and now they’ve introduced two new flavors — chocolate and cinnamon brown sugar.  The claim seems to be that these are health conscious and will provide “sustained energy,” perhaps meant as a wholesome alternative to those energy drinks everyone seems to love even though we all know they’re just radioactive goat piss.  The touted nutritional benefits include containing 19 grams of whole grain per serving.  Mostly they just use the word “natural” a lot, as in “chocolate natural flavor with other natural flavor,” which makes me nervous because technically cow patty is natural.  And don’t look now, but the calorie count isn’t minuscule and that’s a decent amount of fat.  Nothing ridiculous, but eating these instead of cereal won’t have you shedding pounds like it’s your job.

I’m intrigued by the fact that these are breakfast biscuits, which I’ve always considered a decidedly British concept.  Our biscuits are light, flaky things slathered in butter, whereas these are hard, thin oval-ish deals that crack and crumble.  Advantage: colonists.  Still, can’t judge a book by its cover.  You have to make certain concessions to the fact that these are supposedly healthy and natural, so if they taste decent while being nutritious and giving me gobs of energy, I’m prepared to call them a success.  Also, as noted in our earlier review, they’re made without high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, or artificial flavors or sweeteners.

Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits Cinnamon Brown Sugar

First up is the cinnamon brown sugar biscuits.  As mentioned, they don’t look terribly impressive — the most visually interesting thing is two stalk-of-wheat imprints that subtly blend into the biscuit.  Texture-wise they’re coarse and unyielding, to the point where I’m tempted to use one to smooth down some spackle in our bathroom.  Biting down, it’s solid but not tough to chew.  It is, however, pretty plain.  “Cinnamon” and “brown sugar” is being a bit generous, in that I’m prepared to believe these were transported in a truck that also sometimes delivers Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  It has exactly one hint of cinnamon and no more, and I couldn’t swear in court that there’s any brown sugar in the mix.  Beyond that, the biscuit is fairly flavorless.  It doesn’t taste foul or anything, there’s just no pizazz.  (They’re also dry enough that you’ll want to have a drink handy.)  It’s certainly not doing anything to break down stereotypes about health food, that’s for sure.

Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits Chocolate

Well, maybe the chocolate biscuits will be more promising.  The appearance is identical to the other variety, obviously aside from color.  You can pretty much just go back and read the last paragraph re: texture and consistency, too.  However, I’m pleased to report that the taste is a little better, and the smell is vivid and promising.  Before you get your hopes up, let’s be clear — it’s all relative.  Getting socks for Christmas is still better than getting nothing, and that’s basically what we’re dealing with here.  The chocolate breakfast biscuits are useful, and well intentioned, and under the right light they even look somewhat appealing.  But they’re still socks.

Of the two, the chocolate biscuits have to be declared the winner.  To be sure, it’s a hollow victory, like a fight that’s called after two rounds when one of the boxers remembers his doctor advised against getting repeatedly punched in the face.  Again, certain allowances have to be made for the fact that these are ostensibly nutritious and made with natural ingredients, and that’s reflected in the scores.  They also fill you up for what it’s worth, and that can mean a lot when you’re dieting.  But they aren’t going to be challenging Pop-Tarts, or even cold pizza, for the portable morning food crown anytime soon, and I can’t say I noticed any unusual bursts of energy after eating any of the packages.  And unless you’re all about the natural ingredients, you can certainly find tastier options out there for the same calorie count.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack/4 biscuits – Chocolate – 230 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.  Cinnamon Brown Sugar – 230 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 90 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits (Chocolate and Cinnamon Brown Sugar)
Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: 8.8 oz/5 packs
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cinnamon Brown Sugar)
Pros: Go whole grain or go home.  Chocolate flavor is decent, though not overwhelming.  Relatively filling.  Easy to eat in transit.  Can be used to sand down rough patches in drywall.
Cons: Deciding whether two donuts merits a tip.  The British concept of “biscuits,” even if theirs did come first.  No noticeable increase in energy.  Not remarkably low in calories or fat.  Cinnamon brown sugar is way too subtle.  Not knowing if it’s pronounced “bell-vyta” or “bell-veeda.”

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta

Drew 6 Comments

Dunkin' Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta

So I’ve had cookies on my mind lately. 

It started when I volunteered to review Dunkin’ Donuts’ latest summer creation, the Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta, which I’ve had at least four of in recent weeks.  Then we brought Chips Ahoy! to my family reunion, always a massive affair thanks to my great-grandparents being really great at procreating.  Finally, my wife had me watch Cookie Monster’s cover of “Call Me Maybe” because one of her old sorority sisters is a background dancer in it.  Now every day I find myself humming, “Hey, me just met you, and this is crazy / But you got cookie, so share it maybe?”  (On the plus side, he harmonizes better than Carly Rae Jepsen.)

As you might surmise from my multiple trips to the well, there are a lot of good things to say about the Oreo Coolatta.  It’s always nice when I’m able to review something I was planning to try anyway, and this for sure qualifies.  Non-coffee drinkers sometimes struggle to find something at DD to wash down a nice chocolate glazed, and the vanilla bean Coolatta was the answer to my prayers, so long as I don’t mind having the shakes for the rest of the day.  Which I don’t.  Still, I’ve always believed variety is the spice of life, as long as it’s an incredibly minor modification of something you already know you like.  And I was pretty sure this would essentially be just a Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo pieces mixed into it.

Which, as it turns out, is pretty much what it is.  There are two new Coolatta varieties, Oreo Coffee Coolatta and Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta.  I didn’t try the coffee variety, though one might infer that it would taste a bit like a mochaccino with a different, grittier kind of chocolate.  But if you’ve ever had a standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta before, you have a pretty good idea what to expect, which is to say: pure awesomeness.  They have (at least at the beginning) a great consistency, not too thick to slurp through the straw, but not so liquid-y that it’s like drinking a soda.  Except in terms of sweetness, because damn.  I know I joked about it earlier, but seriously, you need a hearty sweet tooth to enjoy this beverage.  People content with an apple as their main sweet for the day need not apply.

Dunkin' Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta Closeup

So with the excellent Vanilla Bean Coolatta as its base, it was just a matter of making sure the addition of Oreo didn’t throw things out of whack, right?  Potential problems might’ve included the Oreo pieces being too large to comfortably fit through the straw, leading to blockages or making the overall consistency too thick.  But that wasn’t an issue — the Oreo bits, while easily visible, are small enough that the overall consistency remains the same.

The texture, however, is a bit grittier, as you’d expect.  And the taste is understandably similar, though not identical.  Still extremely sweet, but with that highly distinctive chocolate flavor that I’m struggling to describe other than “tastes like an Oreo.”  It’s not quite as rich as an actual Oreo cookie, but it still makes the Coolatta a bit more nuanced than the regular Vanilla Bean variety.  It also creates a distinct aftertaste, leaving you tasting the chocolate well after the vanilla bean has faded from your tongue.

I should clarify that I can’t say for a fact that this is just the standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo bits in it.  Oreos obviously have a creme filling too, and it’s possible DD has added a little of that creme to the vanilla base.  I honestly can’t swear to it one way or the other, but if they have, it’s fairly subtle.  Which should not in any way dissuade you from trying what has turned out to be one of this summer’s best treats.  The price is a bit steep and it goes without saying you’re not allowed to drink one without an insulin IV, but you can’t quibble with the taste.  Om nom nom!

(Nutrition Facts — 1 small Coolatta — 420 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 88 grams of carbohydrates, 75 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 16 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like coffee.  Oreo bits are just the right size.  Chocolate is a nice addition but doesn’t overwhelm the beverage.  Very minor variety.  Let’s get skim milk flowing, we’ll start this snack going, baby.
Cons: A little pricey.  Really, really, just crazy really sweet.  Not nearly as enjoyable when it starts melting.  Family reunions where they order about 8 mushroom pizzas and only one plain, like, WTFingF?

REVIEW: Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch

Drew 14 Comments

Cap'n Crunch's Cinnamon Roll Crunch

There’s something a bit surreal about eating breakfast food patterned after an entirely different breakfast food, isn’t there? I don’t want to get overly zen, but it’s like saying, “I enjoy this food enough to want to duplicate its taste, but do you have a slower, less convenient way of eating it?”

We all know cereal is awesome, but you can’t eat it one handed while changing lanes, shifting gears, adjusting the radio, balancing coffee in your lap, and flipping off some moron who’s trying to do too many things at once. And if you can, please cease driving along the PA/NJ border between the hours of 8:30-9:00 every morning.

Nonetheless, Her Majesty’s honorable Captain Horatio Soggybane Crunchley has decided to give it a go, so here we are. If you’re like me, your first thought was, “Did they try to make the pieces look like mini cinnamon rolls? Or will they resemble the jagged Cap’n Crunch bits we all know and some of us love?” The surprising answer is “neither” — these are just little asymmetrical balls, about the size of a Cocoa Puff. No biggie, but it’s slightly puzzling why they didn’t just use the standard CC shape (and for that matter, why they don’t do the same for Peanut Butter Crunch). Either way, it doesn’t impact the taste, and I suppose these are less likely to irritate those with more sensitive palates.

The packaging is fairly typical fare, with the Cap’n holding up a cinnamon roll with wisps of aroma lines that let us know, damn, this fictional drawing of a breakfast pastry smells good. In keeping with the theme, the back has two pictures of a bakery scene, inviting you to find ten differences between them. (I got nine without checking the answers — let me just offer that two of them are such incredibly subtle differences, they make Where’s Waldo look like a child’s search n’ find.) The answer key is on the bottom of the box, though this isn’t clarified anywhere on the package. I guess they figure anyone not smart enough to figure it out isn’t going to be wasting their time with the puzzle anyway.

Continuing on, one side panel boasts the standard nutritional information, the other links to the Cap’n’s website, Facebook page, and Twitter account. Maybe I’m just an old fuddy duddy, but I’m not sure I really want to know that the Cap’n’s current relationship status is “My life, my love and my lady is the Sea” or what he’s hashtagging these days. Although if Quaker Oats just turns the Twitter feed over to some wiseass intern and lets him run with it, I can see the potential for comedic goodness. “Hey, remember when I met Spider-Man? How freaking stoned was whoever dreamed that up? #FourTwenty” or “Avast, y u no like crunchness, Soggmeister? 🙁 ”

Cap'n Crunch's Cinnamon Roll Crunch Closeup

I’m realizing we’re four paragraphs in and I haven’t touched on the flavor, so let’s fix that. As you’d expect, these don’t taste exactly like cinnamon rolls, or much like them at all really. In the movie version, the most they’ll be legally allowed to put on screen will be “loosely inspired by.” But they still taste quite good, as I sit here eating dry pieces out of the box, unable to stop myself from reaching for more. There’s a definite cinnamon flavor, though far subtler than you’d find in an actual cinnamon roll. They’re crunchy but not nearly as much so as regular Cap’n Crunch, possibly due to the shape. And if you were hoping for any kind of a frosting drizzle, keep looking. But the smell, while understated, is sugary and appealing.

You know what cereal they vaguely remind me of? The late, much lamented (by me) Waffle Crisp. The texture is a little different, not quite as hard, but they have the same initial burst of sweetness with a maple syrup-y taste. The major difference is that these (obviously) also feature cinnamon, but again, it’s a lot less intense than you’d expect, nowhere near what you’d get from, say, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Which, since we’re addressing the elephant in the room, is still the preferred cinnamon-based breakfast cereal, due to being far more aggressive and flakier. In this case at least, baker comes out on top of seaman. And alas, the good captain’s boast that his cereal doesn’t get soggy in milk is about as credible as his tale of once making it with a mermaid.

But don’t let that steer you away from trying Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch. It’s still a good-tasting cereal that’s worth trying at least once. And since it’s almost certainly for a limited time only, once might be all you get, so hoist the mizzenmast and make for the nearest port immediately.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of total fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of total carbohydrates 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 10 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein)

Item: Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch
Purchased Price: $3.79
Size: 10.3 ounces
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes kind of like Waffle Crisp. Back-of-the-box activities that actually make you work. Crunchy, and sweet but not overly so. Successfully resisting a poop deck joke. Good for dry snacking. What I imagine the Cap’n’s Twitter feed to be like.
Cons: Less interesting shape than normal CC. Cinnamon taste a little subtle. Gets soggy. Makes you crave an actual cinnamon roll. What the Cap’n’s Twitter feed is probably actually like.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites

Drew 8 Comments

Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; but they also say if at first you don’t succeed, you should try, try again.  So, are “they” advocating madness?  These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head as I review my second mac & cheese-based product in two reviews.  And a pretty good indicator of why I majored in English rather than Philosophy.

Hopefully you’re all familiar with Hot Pockets, or the slightly lower-calorie alternative Lean Pockets, my preferred indulgence because I like to pretend I could still swim a mile in less than 20 minutes (nope) and we can’t all eat like Michael Phelps. 

You may also be aware of HP’s “Snackers” brand, an attempt to offer a smaller alternative to their usual burrito-sized offerings.  The bag contains 12 pieces (3 servings) of pastry crust stuffed with macaroni & cheese and promises to microwave in just over a minute, which is big because regular Hot Pockets take 2 full minutes and who has that kind of time these days?  Not me, that’s an extra review and a half I could have written.  These things require a craftsman’s touch!

(By the way, I know 4 pieces may not sound like much as a serving size, but given how thick each triangle is, trust me that it isn’t insignificant.  I guess technically you could eat a full package as a meal, but that would be a lot.  Count on either splitting them with a friend or just not having a side dish if you decide to down the whole bag at once.)

Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites Closeup

Diving in, the crust is fairly light and flaky. This reaffirms the package’s boast that they’re baked, not fried.  If you’ve ever had a Hot Pocket before, you know what to expect, although these taste just a bit lighter.  And as I alluded to regarding the thickness, you’re not getting hosed as far as how much mac & cheese is stuffed into each one.  I certainly didn’t feel short-changed, and microwaving the triangles caused most of them to either spill out some cheese onto the plate or at least partially crack open, reinforcing the point. 

That said, they’re not messy — I didn’t have any problems with cheese spilling out unexpectedly or big pieces flaking off, so feel free to eat these one-handed on the couch without a napkin like the savage you are.  No one is judging.

The macaroni itself is a good consistency, soft but with just enough firmness to be appealing.  It actually looks pretty similar to Kraft Mac & Cheese, but the cheese is a bit different, slightly creamier than Kraft’s flavor without being especially sharp. 

Also, it’s a little hard to describe, but the cheese almost feels like a different component than the macaroni; there’s a lot of it, and it tends to ooze around the cracks and crevices formed by the pasta and spill out in large quantities.  I’m not complaining because it tastes the same either way, but rather than truly coating the macaroni, the cheese feels more like it’s sharing space with it.  They don’t exactly meld, but it’s plentiful and tasty, so I can’t complain too much.

Probably the only other criticism I would level against the Macaroni & Cheese Bites is that they lack that certain edge, the extra component that really distinguishes good products from great products. 

Don’t interpret that as a criticism — I like the Bites, and I wouldn’t at all mind getting them again.  But an extra flavor of cheese inside, maybe something with more bite like colby jack, would’ve really put it over the top.  But as it is, this is a good, solid snacking choice that’s quick and easy to make and will fill you up.  You could do a lot worse.

(Nutrition Facts — 4 pieces — 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 6 grams of protein)

Item: Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 oz. / approx. 12 pieces
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Bypassing one useless degree for a slightly-less-useless one.  Light, fairly soft crust.  4 pieces makes a good snack.  Only takes a minute and change to make.  Triangles are stuffed full of mac & (especially) cheese.  Swimming references, because when people only notice your sport once every four years, you’ve gotta jump on that opportunity.
Cons: We have yet to break the 1-minute microwave mark.  Pasta and cheese feel more like amiable co-inhabitants than a happy couple.  Not being able to eat like Michael Phelps.  Could use a little more kick.  Not lacking in fat and sodium

REVIEW: Tony’s Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza

Drew 21 Comments

Tony's Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza

You know how some items seem to be around for no reason except someone thought up a good commercial, then realized the product didn’t technically exist, so they had to quickly create it? It sort of feels like Tony’s Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is one of those products.

I picture a smarmy ad executive (yes, he looks exactly like Don Draper), leaning contemplatively in his chair. He finishes his cigarette, stubs it out, steals a glance at Christina Hendricks’ cleavage. Satisfied, he stands and reaches for his hat… and stops. Stares straight ahead for a full 30 seconds, then grabs a sheet of paper and begins scribbling excitedly. When he finishes, he’s looking at a storyboard of a brother and sister standing face to face, scowling.

The girl yells “But I want macaroni and cheeeeese!” The boy retorts, “Too bad, Mom said we could have pizza!” Then the mother steps into frame, boasting a smile only achievable through extensive surgical work or pounds of medical-grade marijuana. “Kids, kids!” she says, laughing gently, “Who says we can’t have both?” Reaching behind her to retrieve the box she must have strapped to her back, she brings it out and shows us the label as the kids’ eyes light up: Macaroni & cheese pizza. And life makes sense once again.

Actually, jokes notwithstanding, I was eager to try this product. I’ve had baked ziti pizza from Italian restaurants before, when I’m in a particularly “Screw it, we’ve all gotta go sometime” mood. But I’ve never had mac n’ cheese pizza before, and frankly I wondered if Tony’s could get even close to the gooey, artery-hardening deliciosity that is freshly-made baked ziti pizza. (These are the things I think about since our favorite local pizza place closed for repairs after the neighboring deli suspiciously burned down. True story.)

Obviously you don’t expect it to be as thick as an actual pizzeria pie, but it must be said that this is a mighty thin pizza, even with the layer of mac n’ cheese. And that’s probably attributable to the fact that there’s no marinara sauce to be found. I probably should have surmised that from the box, but it came as an unpleasant surprise that didn’t fill me with confidence. It still looks pretty good, but it definitely feels more like you’re eating macaroni off of flatbread, rather than as a topping on pizza.

Tony's Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza Baked

You’ll note there are two cheeses visible in the photo — obviously mozzarella is the primary base, but there’s a reasonable, though not overly generous, helping of cheddar scattered throughout. They proudly advertise that the new square shape fills the box, which I think is meant to imply you’re getting more pizza for the same price. That’s probably true, although cutting it into quarters makes the slices a bitch to eat without smearing grease all over your face. Or maybe that’s just me and my refusal to eat the crust until every other bite is gone. Yeah, probably just me. Anyway, I appreciate the extra surface area.

But ultimately quantity is irrelevant if the taste isn’t up to par, so what’s the verdict? Well… serviceable. It’s not bad — the crust is crunchy but not hard, the two kinds of cheeses are distinct, and the macaroni has a soft but not slimy texture. Plus it’s pizza and beer on a Friday night, it’s impossible to completely screw that up.

That said, it also tastes like exactly what it is: artificial mac n’ cheese on a frozen pizza. There’s nothing bold or fresh about the flavor, no interesting spices you didn’t expect. It’s relatively pleasing in the moment and then immediately forgotten afterward, like a date with me. When all’s said and done, this is a decent option if you’re trying to save money or the best Italian restaurant in your town is Sbarro’s. But if you live anywhere near a decent pizza joint, it’s worth the trek for the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/4 pizza — 280 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Tony’s Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza
Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 17.00 oz
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Square to fill the entire box. Satisfies two demographics. Visually appealing. For what it is, not ridiculously unhealthy. Pretty good taste. Which came first, the ad or the product?
Cons: Nothing remotely surprising. No marinara sauce. Thin. A little more cheddar would’ve been nice. Suspicious fires that take out your favorite pizza place as collateral damage.