Saint Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick’s Day

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those “not-really-a-holiday” holidays. It’s like Flag Day. You don’t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isn’t free. It’s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.

Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrick’s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.

Despite Saint Patrick’s Day being a “not-really-a-holiday” holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you don’t need to buy gifts for anyone, don’t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, don’t need to spend $100 on flowers, don’t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.

Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.

So what’s the second best day to get drunk?

Any other day.

So in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrick’s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:

The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem

Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.

Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if that’s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.

Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm it’s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.


Item: Saint Patrick’s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Don’t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Don’t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.

Method Laundry Concentrated Detergent

Method Laundry

I love living on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, but living here has its share of disadvantages.

For example, I can’t take long road trips here. On the mainland, you can drive to another state or another country and see something different. For example, if you live in California, you can drive to Las Vegas to go gambling at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m. or drive to Mexico to get drunk off of cheap tequila and experience Montezuma’s Revenge because you were so drunk that you actually drank water from Mexico.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you can’t drive very far, unless you enjoy going around and around in huge circles.

Another disadvantage is getting sand trapped in places you don’t want sand to be. I’m pretty sure this is not a problem for people in such states as Montana, Oklahoma, and either of the Dakotas. Chafing that involves sand is never good, except when you’re planning to repaint something.

Finally, there aren’t any Red Circle Boutiques here. We’ve got three World Dominating Superstore Behemoths and two “The ‘K’ Stands For Krap” Superstores, but no Red Circle Boutiques.

Unfortunately, I’m not expecting one to open up soon because I think it’s impossible to build a Red Circle Boutique here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, because if someone does, this rock will sink like Atlantis.

The reason why I’d like to have a Red Circle Boutique on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is because I’d have easy access to Method cleaning products. There aren’t any places here that sell them. Sure, I could buy them online, but I’m too much of a cheap bastard to pay for shipping.

Fortunately, friend/Impulsive Buy junkie Akiko bought some Method products for me while on a trip to the Dirty South (Do the kids still call it the “Dirty South?”). Actually, she only bought me the Method hand soap, which I reviewed a few months back.

(Editor’s Note: Oops, actually, Akiko also bought me Method dishwashing detergent and bathroom cleaner. I forgot about them in the closet. You know what they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.” I suck as a friend.)

Recently, Akiko gave me her slightly used bottle of Method Laundry Concentrated Detergent. She gave it to me because she didn’t care much for the overwhelming Morning Bloom scent. Although, I have my suspicions that she gave me the bottle because she wanted to drop the hint that I need to wash my clothes more often instead of recycling my worn clothes out of my laundry basket.

Hey, I just follow the two rules of recycling worn clothes:

1. If it doesn’t have stains, out of the washer it remains.
2. If worn clothes has no smell, no one else will be able to tell.

One of the first things I liked about the Method detergent was the fact it’s concentrated. With only 32 ounces of detergent, it’s much lighter than the smallest container offered by other liquid detergent brands, which usually contain about 100 ounces. This makes a big difference because I’m out of shape, or more specifically, I’m weak, like Popeye without spinach and Screech from Saved by the Bell.

Since it’s concentrated, the Method detergent can still deliver the same amount of laundry loads as the other brands’ 100-ounce containers, which turns out to be about 32 loads of laundry.

Method Laundry Video

One of the neatest things about the bottle is that it has a self-measuring cap. Just flip the cap lid, squeeze the bottle, measure the amount of detergent, and then pour. (To see a clip of the self-measuring cap in action, just click the picture on the right. Quicktime format – 1 MB)

I tried to test its stain fighting power, but nowadays I hardly stain my clothes, since I don’t referee bikini mud wrestling anymore.

As for the Morning Bloom scent, I didn’t find it overwhelming, like Akiko did. I thought it was a pleasant smell and smelled better than the big-name brand stuff I usually use, but it definitely didn’t smell morning-ish. Of course, my mornings usually smell like “Oh crap, I have to get up.”

Overall, I liked the Method detergent, especially the self-measuring cap. Maybe I’ll start washing my clothes more often, just so that I can play with the self-measuring cap.


Item: Method Laundry Concentrated Detergent
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Kick ass self-measuring cap. Concentrated. Nice scent. Biodegradable.
Cons: Scent maybe overwhelming for some. No Red Circle Boutiques on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Lame road trips. Sand in my crack.

Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics

Big Deluxe Classics

To celebrate Martha Stewart’s release from prison, I decided to bake cookies. So while watching CNN’s live coverage of her first day back working at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, I put down my koa wood framed 8×10 photo of Martha and brought out the baking pan from my Martha Stewart Everyday Nonstick 5-Piece Baking Set.

Unfortunately, after a horrible brownie baking accident, which involved me not adding any eggs to the brownie mixture and creating the hardest baked goods ever, I’ve stopped baking things from scratch.

Besides, when you bake from scratch you have to worry about fractions, and I suck at fractions.

So instead of making the cookies from scratch, I opened up a package of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics, with which I could bake a dozen cookies. I know Martha would kill me if she found out I wasn’t going to bake these cookies from scratch. After all, I’m sure she learned how to kill in prison.

I wonder if she’ll teach us how to kill on a future episode of Martha Stewart Living.

By the way, did you see how hot Martha looks now? Damn! Total MILF!

If I was in the kitchen with her and I had a wooden spoon in my hands, I would totally spank her ass with it. If only I was under house arrest with her. Sigh.

Wait, was that too much information for you? Sorry.

Anyway, after washing my hands and drying them using the hand towel from my Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton Basketweave Towel Set I placed the twelve cookie dough rounds on top of the ungreased baking pan, leaving them about two inches apart from each other.

Then I placed the baking pan into the oven, which was preheated at 350 degrees fahrenheit. Fifteen minutes later, I had cookies that even Martha would be proud of, if she didn’t know they weren’t made from scratch.

Big Deluxe Classics

After letting them cool for a few minutes, I grabbed one of the smaller plates from my Martha Stewart Everyday Classic White 16-Piece Ceramic Dinnerware Set so that I wouldn’t get crumbs all over the place as I ate my freshly baked cookies, while Martha talked about her experiences in prison.

Oh, these cookies were good. Every bite had some chocolate goodness. I guess it helped that along with the regular semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips, there were also mini, semi-sweet Hershey’s Kisses added to the cookie dough. It basically was an orgy of chocolate.

After eating half a cookie, I realized I was missing something very important…MILF…I mean, milk.

So I pulled out from the cupboard one of the glasses from my Martha Stewart Everyday 12-Piece Butterfly Glassware Set and poured myself some milk, so that I could dunk the warm cookies into it.

Oh, Martha would be so proud!

When I was done, I put the rest of the cookies in one of the square 5-cup food containers from my Martha Stewart Everyday 48-Piece Airtight Food Container Set, so that I may enjoy the cookies later on.

Overall, these Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics were very good. Or as Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”


Item: Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick. Easy to bake. Big cookies. Martha Stewart is a total MILF.
Cons: Martha is still under house arrest. I suck at baking things from scratch.

REVIEW: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

Dear Darius Rucker,

My name is Marvo and I’m a big fan of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for that last album you guys did in 2003. I will also admit, for about six months, I didn’t know you were African-American until I saw one of your music videos on MTV.

I’m writing this letter in regards to the Burger King commercial you did for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I was wondering how much dignity you have left, because you were a multi-platinum recording artist and now you’re a burger salesman.

Don’t you know that once a celebrity loses all of his or her dignity, they become like Michael Jackson or a cast member on a reality show?

Although, I will admit the song you sing the in commercial is catchy, like your song “Only Wanna Be With You.” The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, my roommate swore he heard me singing the song in my sleep one night while I slept on the living room couch.

But this is not about me singing the song, it’s about you singing the song. This burger selling has to stop before it gets worse and you end up singing songs about insurance or cell phone service plans.

Imagine having to sing a song like this:

I love my cell phone service plan
It allows me to talk to anyone I like
Let’s me call relatives and friends
Free calls on weekends and nights

There’s no roaming charges
Almost everywhere I goes
Receiving text messages are free
I can download ringtones

I love my cell phone service plan
Caller ID and voice mail are slick
Keeps me from receiving prank calls
Since my number was on Paris’ Sidekick

Besides, have you actually eaten a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? I know, in the song you sing about how you love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but I’ve tried it and I don’t love it.

First off, in the song you sing about how there are streams of bacon ranch dressing, but there’s got to be a drought or something, because at the Burger King I went to they were pretty stingy with it.

Darius Rucker

Also, I know YOU can afford it, but I paid an arm and a leg to buy the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch “value meal.” For the price I paid, I expected you to pop out from behind the counter and start singing the song to me.

I know it’s a very hearty sandwich with chicken breasts that grow on trees, tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar that paves the streets, but I wish it tasted better.

So please Darius Rucker, stop with the commercials. Please don’t make me feel sorry for you, because if you do, I’m gonna have to buy your solo albums out of pity.

Your fan,

Marvo

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
Purchase Price: $6.59 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Bacon and cheddar. The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song is catchy. Hootie and the Blowfish’s last album sucked.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon ranch dressing taste. Pricey. Messy burger. Darius Rucker is an insurance commercial away from losing ALL of his dignity.

Smoothie Mix Skittles

Smoothie Skittles

I’m not a fan of pastel colors, because I don’t look good in pastels.

If I wore pastel colors, I would look like a snotty, country club membership owning, private school graduated prick or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.

Plus, there’s something emasculating about pastel. Maybe it’s the brightness of it, after all, my wardrobe and soul consists of mostly dark colors.

It was this dislike of pastel that had me second guessing my purchase of these Smoothie Mix Skittles. I was afraid the bright colors of the Skittles would do something strange to me, like direct me towards the nearest Gap to look at their spring collection.

That fortunately didn’t happen after I ate the entire bag of Skittles.

In each bag of Smoothie Mix Skittles, there are five flavors: orange mango, peach pear, strawberry banana, lemon berry, and mixed berry. My favorite was the peach pear flavor.

With most of the combinations, I felt that one flavor really overpowered the other. For example, with the orange mango flavor, I could mostly taste the orange. With the pear peach flavor, I could mostly taste the pear.

However, with the strawberry banana flavor, I really couldn’t taste either.

Overall, I thought the Smoothie Mix Skittles were good. If they didn’t come in pastel colors, they would be slightly better.

Well folks, now that the obligatory review is out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this month’s prize drawing.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving ONE lucky reader a $15 iTunes Gift Card, which we reviewed last month.

Yahtzee! (BTW, “Yahtzee! is now the official Impulsive Buy catch phrase, which we stole from a particular board game company.)

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Tune Me On” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re crusty, drunk, smelly, and cheap comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Tune Me On” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of all 37 cents of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on March 11, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on March 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States. (Sorry to the rest of the world, the card can only be redeemed at the U.S. iTunes Music Store)

The winner of the prize drawing will be picked in the following way:

I will dictate each entrant’s email address, which will be recorded by my computer. The dictated email addresses will be turned into individual MP3 files. I will import all of the MP3s into iTunes and create a playlist containing all of the dictated email addresses.

Then I will click the shuffle button in iTunes fifteen times, which will mix up the order of the MP3s. Finally, I will play the MP3s and the fifteenth email I hear will be the winner of this month’s prize drawing.

Hopefully, there will be more than fifteen entries.

So for those of you who’d like some free music, here’s your chance.

Yahtzee!

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting free Starbucks coffee for a year. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for an airline frequent flyer credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.


Item: Smoothie Mix Skittles
Purchase Price: 50 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. More sugar than a can of soda. Interesting flavor combinations. I’m not a country club snob or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.
Cons: Emasculating pastel colors. One flavor seemed to dominant the other with most mixed flavors.

Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears

Carb Clever Pears

(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone that’s on fire)

(Phone ringing)

HITLER: Guten Tag.

MARVO: Hey, Adolf, it’s Marvo.

HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! How’s it hanging?

MARVO: Pretty good. So how’s Hell treating you?

HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?

MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.

HITLER: What’s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I don’t like jokes, especially when I’m the butt of the joke. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

MARVO: Um…I’m s-s-sorry.

HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. You’re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?

MARVO: Uh, no.

HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.

(Hitler looks outside of window)

HITLER: It’s hot, like it always is.

MARVO: So hell hasn’t frozen over?

HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: High?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?

MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?

HITLER: Oh, don’t remind me about low-carb foods. It’s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we can’t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…

MARVO: Well I’ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.

HITLER: So far?

MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. They’re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears I’ve had.

HITLER: Get out of here!

MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.

HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.

MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So that’s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.

HITLER: You know, “hell freezing over” is just a saying. You shouldn’t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I would’ve broken my mother’s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.

MARVO: I didn’t have to hear that last example.

HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?

MARVO: Yeah.

HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.

MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.

HITLER: Anyway, so I’ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?

MARVO: Probably.

HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.

MARVO: Bye.


Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I can’t believe it’s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. “Carb Clever” is a lame product name, alliteration doesn’t work well here.