Act II Popcorn Ball

I personally think the food that best represents the holiday season is the Act II Popcorn Ball, although it definitely isn’t the best tasting holiday food.

Many of you will probably disagree with me and say either turkey, gingerbread cookies, egg nog, candy canes, chocolate Santas, fruitcake, or a large bottle of whiskey are foods that best represent the holiday season, but this is what I’ll say to you, “Nay, my festivus friend, the holidays are all about balls…popcorn balls.”

Think about it. The Act II Popcorn Ball is very similar to many things that are seen during the holiday season. You may not realize them, so I’m going to point them out to you.

First off, it’s round and is roughly the size of a tennis ball (three inches in diameter). There are many holiday-ish items that come in a round form, like tree ornaments, a snowman’s head, a snowman’s body, cookies for Santa, Santa’s big fat gut from eating cookies, and the number of times most people have seen any of the three Tim Allen The Santa Clause movies — zero.

Its white color is also the color of many things seen during the holiday season, like snow, iPods, Santa’s beard, and Jesus’ skin color.

The Act II Popcorn Ball consists of popcorn and sugar compressed together in a tight space. This cramming of popcorn together is much the bringing of people together in any shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving or the week prior to Christmas.

Instead of popped kernels of popcorn packed tightly together, it’s pissed off patrons waiting in line for a cashier, dressing room, next generation video game console, women’s restroom stall, or $29 DVD player at the Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Despite it being held together with sugar, and possibly the holiday spirit, the Act II Popcorn Ball tears apart easily, like the hearts of little children when they find out Santa doesn’t exist. Its consistency is much like old popcorn, but the sugar around it makes that old popcorn taste better, sort of like kettle corn, but not really as sweet or as good.

Wrapping the old popcorn in sugar is very similar to the holiday concept of re-gifting. Think of the old popcorn as a gift from last Christmas, like the sweater grandma knitted, the “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt your stupid friend got you, or the piece of jewelry you were going to give to your significant other, but then they break up with you right before Christmas and every day for the next year you stare at that piece of jewelry and think of your former significant other and cry for about an hour in your bedroom staring at the ceiling, then you want to throw it away but you can’t because every time you’re about to throw it into the ocean you remember all the great times you spent together on the beach, so you keep holding on to that piece of jewelry hoping that your ex-significant other comes back to you, despite the fact that they’re dating another person, and you take it with you every time you’re sitting in your car staring through their window with a pair of binoculars. Then think of the sugar as the new wrapping paper around it, turning what was old into something new for that not-so-special person receiving the gift — probably a co-worker.

With 12 grams of sugar, 100 calories, one gram of fat, one gram protein, two grams of fiber, and no cholesterol, the Act II Popcorn Ball has roughly the same nutritional content as many holiday decorations, like a small Christmas wreath, a Christmas tree branch, or the mistletoe branch that is strategically placed directly above your waist.

Finally, because the Act II Popcorn Ball is made out of popcorn, it’s most likely that popcorn kernel parts will get stuck in between your teeth. If you’ve experienced this, you know that this is irritating like the other holiday annoyances: little old ladies cutting in the cashier line, finding parking at the shopping mall to do Christmas shopping, and making sure the shopping mall Santa doesn’t touch you improperly while taking a picture with him.

Item: Act II Popcorn Ball
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by co-worker
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Best food to represent the holiday season. Low fat. Low sodium. Zero cholesterol. Two grams of fiber. Tears apart easily. Sugar makes it taste better. Sort of like kettle corn, but not as sweet.
Cons: Old popcorn consistency. Getting popcorn stuck in between your teeth. Receiving re-gifted gifts. Waiting in line for a women’s restroom stall. Waiting for a woman who is waiting for a women’s restroom stall. Any of The Santa Clause movies. Crying after finding out Santa isn’t real and also after your significant other breaks up with you and leaves you as an empty cold shell of a person.

Happy Winners Announced Day!!!

Okay, I thought about doing that email on the french fry thing, but then I thought about all the trans fats I would consume if I decided to eat all the fries or if I gave it to some random homeless dude. After all, my New Year’s Resolution is to eat healthier and to help homeless people eat healthier.

So I did the next best thing — pick numbers out of my sweat stained cap that I use for running. Here are the ten winners of the 2006 Holiday Fast Food Prize Drawing:

Comment #38 – Brie
Comment #6 – Ellen
Comment #168 – Scott
Comment #80 – t0rs0
Comment #27 – kagai
Comment #77 – Kari
Comment #25 – Josh
Comment #165 – Peggy
Comment #16 – catboy17
Comment #184 – Badtz-Mari

Each winner will receive a gift card from one of the fast food establishments I’ve reviewed products from over the years. The winners will get to decide which fast food gift card they will receive.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack

(Editor’s Note: If you’re a fan of clowns, have many wonderful childhood memories with clowns, your mother or father was a clown, or you’re a clown, I’d suggest you skip this review. Why? Oh, there’s, um, no particular reason, but just skip it.)

Whether it be the creepy Ronald McDonald, eerie Bozo the Clown, disturbing Homey the Clown, frightening Pennywise, or the threatening Krusty the Clown, I believe all of them can be taken out with any of the flavors in the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

Now when I say “taken out,” I don’t mean it as “taking out the trash.” I mean “taken out” as in “I’m taking out that creepy clown, I’m going to make it wish it didn’t put on that red ball nose today. It’s gonna try to make me laugh? Well I’m gonna try to make it cry.”

Why do I want to get rid of clowns? That’s my business, not yours, but let me just say this, if it were up to me, Grimace would be the top spokesperson for McDonald’s. Besides, clowns don’t make me laugh, they make me cry, like shopping mall Santas and the words “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The excessive makeup they wear doesn’t make clowns look fun, it makes them look evil and up to no good, like Tammy Faye Bakker and Rupaul. Just thinking about the makeup on those two give me the shivers. I think the only reason why someone would wear that much makeup is because they’re hiding something. In Tammy Faye’s instance, it was her ex-husband’s illegal activities. InRupaul’s case, it’s a penis.

Also, what’s up with those big shoes? Just like the Big Bad Wolf’s big mouth is better to eat Little Red Riding Hood with, a clown’s big shoes make it easier for them to stomp on my toes or kick me in the balls.

Clowns may have those big shoes and scary makeup, but I’ve got the five flavors from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack that each come in a hard glass bottle. There’s a flavor for almost every clown wig color. The Apple Pie Soda can put a world of hurt on those clowns with orangeish hair, the Banana Cream Pie Soda can beat down those clowns with yellow hair, the Blueberry Pie Soda can knock out those with blue hair, the Cherry Pie Soda can kick the crap out of the clowns with red hair, and the Key Lime Pie Soda can open a can of whoopass on clowns with green hair.

For those clowns that wear a rainbow-colored wig? Let’s just say, I feel sorry for them and they should wear a rainbow-colored helmet as well.

So how would I go about taking out clowns with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack? It’s easy. Just ask them if they want a pie in their face. They’re clowns, they love having pies thrown at their faces, because that’s their shtick. So when they’re ready for a pie in the face, I’ll give them a pie in the face — a pie-flavored soda from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

The first flavor I tried was the Cherry Pie Soda. It had a sweet and slightly tart cherry flavor and I could also taste Jones Soda’s attempt to include the crust flavor along with it, all of which formed a pretty decent flavor. The red color of the Cherry Pie Soda also blends in well with the clown’s red ball nose — and the blood dripping from it after breaking the clown’s real nose.

The next flavor I tried was the Banana Cream Pie Soda, which I thought would turn out to be the best, but instead was my least favorite. It smelled banana-ish and it initially tasted banana-ish, but after that it tasted kind of buttery, which turned me off to it. However, if you like Jelly Belly buttered popcorn jellybeans, you’d probably like the buttery taste. The Banana Cream Soda itself may not be good taste-wise, but I imagine it would be good at smearing a clown’s makeup.

After taking the first swig from the Apple Pie Soda, I thought its flavor was very familiar and I tried to figure out what it tasted like. While I thought about that, I also tried to figure out how many clown orifices the neck of the Jones Soda bottle would fit into. The answer was five, but possibly seven, and I also realized that the Apple Pie Soda tasted very similar to the cinnamon-flavored Big Red gum.

The Blueberry Pie Soda was probably one my favorite flavors, along with the Cherry Pie Soda. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, you will know what this soda tastes like. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, are a clown, and I get my hands on you, blueberry yogurt will never taste the same again and it will haunt your dreams.

I saved the final flavor, Key Lime Pie, for last because I’m not a big fan of this type of pie, but its slightly sour, citrus flavor was surprisingly good, and kind of reminded me of lime Jello. I believe the bottle for the Key Lime Pie Soda is also surprisingly good — as a deadly weapon when cracked against clowns.

Jones Soda also comes out with a yearly Holiday Pack which consists of horrible soda flavors like Turkey and Gravy and Corn on the Cob. Sure I could probably do the same damage to clowns with the Jones Soda Holiday Pack and its horrible taste would add insult to injury, but with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack it would just bring sweet, sweet injury to clowns and that’s good enough for me to make up for all the crying they made me do.

Item: Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given as a birthday gift from friend Erin
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cherry Pie and Blueberry Pie Soda Flavors. Key Lime Pie Soda was surprisingly good. Wayyyy better than the horrible tasting Jones Soda Holiday Pack. Taking out clowns.
Cons: Clowns! Clowns! Clowns! Banana Cream Pie Soda had a buttery flavor. Use of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Excessive makeup.

REVIEW: Silk Soy Nog

Silk Nog

During the holiday season I look forward to several things, like trying to get onto Santa’s naughty list, tricking women to kiss me under the mistletoe, wishing all the white people Happy Kwanzaa, and drinking egg nog, which I look forward to the most.

If I owned a dairy, I would not only piss off the ghost of French scientist Louis Pasteur by drinking milk straight from a cow’s udder, I would also make egg nog available throughout the year, because sometimes I crave it in July when the temperature rises and my body yearns for something cool, refreshing, and made out of something that comes out of a chicken’s butt.

Of course, the problem with having egg nog year round is the fact that real egg nog is as fattening as Rosie O’Donnell would be to an anaconda, which makes drinking egg nog year round good for Nicole Richie, but not good for everyone else.

Sure there’s light egg nog, but even that can make Ms. Richie look a little pudgy. So if she wants to keep her skeleton-like figure and enjoy the holidays with a little nog, she could always drink Silk Soy Nog.

The lactose-, dairy-, cholesterol-, gluten-, egg-, casein-, peanut-, and MSG-free Silk Soy Nog is good for the lactose-intolerant, vegans, PETA members, autistic people, and The Biggest Loser contestants. It also has no saturated fat and has 180 calories per one cup serving.

Being a regular Silk Soy Milk drinker (Very Vanilla and Chocolate flavors are the best…Double true!), I thought I would enjoy the Silk Soy Nog, much like I enjoy putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets, but at first, I didn’t like its taste, which kind of reminded me of the Silk Very Vanilla Soy Milk, except with a little spice and a little less nutty flavor. However, after drinking an entire quart-sized carton, the flavor began to grow on me.

So I guess it has an acquired taste, much like beer and emo rock.

The consistency of the Silk Soy Nog wasn’t thick like regular egg nog or light egg nog, but it was thicker than regular Silk Soy Milk. It also wasn’t as yellowish like regular egg nog. Instead it had a less festive grayish/yellowish color. Instead it had a light pastel yellow color.

(Editor’s Note: Maybe I should stop drinking this stuff straight from the carton. Anyway, after actually looking at it in a cup, it has a light pastel color. Sorry about that.)

If given the choice between regular egg nog and Silk Soy Nog, I would definitely choose the regular egg nog, because it’s more satisfying and much more flavorful. Although, because of its fat and cholesterol content, I wouldn’t be able to drink much of it, unless I enjoy the hardening of my arteries. The Silk Soy Nog was good, but I don’t think it’s something I would look forward to next holiday season.

But I do look forward to putting on my illuminating Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear next Christmas.

(Sidenote: I once drank an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes in high school. My digestive system was not happy about that and because of that experience, I DO NOT recommend drinking an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes. Although, it would kind of make a neat YouTube video or TIB review.)

Item: Silk Soy Nog
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes good, but may take getting used to. The word nog. No cholesterol. No saturated fat. Lactose-free. Putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets. Drinking egg nog.
Cons: If you don’t like soy milk, you’re not going to like this. Not having egg nog available all year long. Not as thick as regular egg nog. Drinking an entire carton of egg nog in less than five minutes.

REVIEW: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink

I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to eat or drink something with an ingredient I have no idea about or can’t pronounce. That’s how it is for me with jahlapinos.

When I first purchased the Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink, I couldn’t drink it because of its blue agave flavor. I had no idea what an agave was and I didn’t know if it was pronounced a-gave, aga-ve, ag-ave, a-ga-ve, or ag-av-e.

To learn about agave, I looked it up at my source for knowledge and sexual positions, Wikipedia. When I got to the agave page, I attempted to read it and experience everything that is the agave, but their definition of agave was a-dull.

Here’s a sample of what was written about agave on Wikipedia:

Agaves are succulent plants of a large botanical genus of the same name, belonging to the family Agavaceae. Chiefly Mexican, they occur also in the southern and western United States and in central and tropical South America. The plants have a large rosette of thick fleshy leaves generally ending in a sharp point and with a spiny margin; the stout stem is usually short, the leaves apparently springing from the root.

Each rosette is monocarpic and grows slowly to flower only once. During flowering a tall stem or….ZZZZZZZZ.

As you can see, Wikipedia’s definition of the agave is pretty boring and can be used fight insomnia. It definitely doesn’t sound like something I would want in a kick ass energy drink. But I can easily change my perception of agave by changing my definition of it. So here’s my attempt to zazz up the agave and turn it into something worthy of an energy drink.

Agaves were once large flesh-eating plants, but evolved into the big leafy plants they are today. When they were flesh-eating plants, human sacrifices were made to them to help with the upcoming crop season and they were also used for entertainment by pitting two flesh-eating agave plants against each other. Agaves are considered an aphrodisiac and are grown with marijuana and coca plant crops in Mexico to attract insects to them instead of the more profitable illegal drug producing crops. Both of these uses are the reason why it’s been given the nickname, “Spanish Fly.”

Wars have been waged over its succulent fruit which was believed to grant the eater immortality, along with constipation. It is also believed agaves were one of the reasons for the downfalls of the Aztec Empire and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s marriage. Its flowers, which take a long time to bloom, have been the inspiration for many classic rock songs, including Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and The Beatles “Yellow Submarine.”.

Oh dude, after reading my definition of agave, it totally ROCKS!!!

Now that I know more about agave and its history as a flesh-eating plant and classic rock song inspirer, I can finally try it.

Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink is syrupy and has a nice sweet berry flavor. It’s syrupiness kind of reminds me of the Monster Energy Drink. Actually, if Monster did make blue-colored flavor, it would probably taste like this.

I’m not too sure how much caffeine it has, but it’s got 57 grams of carbs, 1,194 milligrams of taurine, 177 milligrams of ginseng, 28 milligrams of carnitine, 1.3 milligrams guarana extract, and some B vitamins to give you energy. Despite all of that, plus whatever amount of caffeine it has, it didn’t seem to give me much of an energy kick, which disappointed me.

Too bad the agave can’t give me a boost of energy, since it seems to be able to do everything else.

Item: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink
Price: $1.89 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet berry flavor. Comes in 16-ounce can. It’s blue color. My definition of agave. The agave’s ability to inspire classic rock songs. Wikipedia.
Cons: Doesn’t have much of an energy kick. The boring Wikipedia definition of agave. Don’t know how to pronounce agave. Don’t know how to pronounce jahlapino.