Do you want to know how to ruin my birthday party?

Do any of the following.

Get me a pony instead of the mini unicorn I requested. Give me a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf gift card instead of a Starbucks gift card. Put trick candles on my birthday cake. Make me hit a piñata with a blindfold. Not sing “Happy Birthday” in a language other than English. And pass out these Market Pantry Birthday Cake Sandwich Cookies instead of Nabisco’s Birthday Cake Oreo Cookies.

You may think I’m pooh-poohing the store brand because I’m a brand elitist or I’ve got cash to burn so I can spend it on big brands, but I think Target’s Market Pantry puts out some really good stuff, like their Snickerdoodle Milk.

I’d be insulted if someone brought these store brand birthday cake-flavored sandwich cookies to my party because there are several things off about them.

Let’s start with the packaging.

If Target’s Market Basket wants to copy Nabisco’s ideas, might I suggest copying the resealable package. Sure, Nabisco probably has a patent or two for their resealable cookie packaging, but I wish Target would come up with their own because once this package is open, you’ve either got to close it with tape, clothespins, or eat the whole damn thing in one sitting. Also, the graphics on the packaging confuse me. The cookies are chocolate wafers with creme, but the cake on the packaging is yellow cake with frosting. Yeah, that doesn’t match.

Now let’s move on to the creme.

First, it looks like it was either placed on the chocolate wafer by an uncalibrated or emo creme squirting machine (I believe creme squirting machine is the technical name for it) or it looks like my lazy ass put these cookies together. The pat of creme isn’t in a uniform shape and it’s not centered in the middle of the cookie like the creme is with an Oreo cookie. Also, the colorful “sprinkles,” which make the creme appear birthday cake frosting-ish, seem to be nothing more than spots of food dye. It looks like the Nyan Cat sneezed on it.

As for the flavor, I don’t think it tastes birthday cake frosting-ish. It’s more like regular chocolate sandwich cookie creme-ish. I licked my way through several cookies as if I was a dog with a jar of peanut butter, but didn’t think there was anything resembling birthday cake.

While the packaging and creme are off, they don’t make the cookie’s flavor weird. But that happens with the chocolate wafers. They have a crunch similar to Oreo cookies and they start off with a mild cocoa flavor, but they end with a weird, bitter artificialness that brings down the entire cookie and guarantees it ends up on my birthday party shitlist.

So if your arm reaches for these Market Pantry Birthday Cake Sandwich Cookies, shift it to the far right or far left, which is where the Nabisco cookies are probably stocked at your local Target, and grab the Nabisco Birthday Cake Oreo Cookies instead before you come to my birthday party.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Market Pantry Birthday Cake Creme Sandwich Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.09
Size: 15.25 oz.
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cheaper than Birthday Cake Oreo. Getting Starbucks gift cards. Unicorns. Nabisco products being to the left or right of these cookies.
Cons: Tastes cheaper than Birthday Cake Oreo. Chocolate wafers have weird bitterness. Creme doesn’t taste birthday cake-ish. Sprinkles aren’t sprinkles. Packaging shows yellow cake with white frosting, but the cookies are chocolate. It looks like I put the cookies together.