REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND – Dr Pepper Gum, Doritos Ranch Hot Wings Jacked, Tostitos Cantina & BK Loaded Tots

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Here are some quick reviews of new-ish products we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Wrigley's Hubba Bubba Dr Pepper Bubble Gum

Item: Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba Dr Pepper Bubble Gum
Purchased Price: $1.49
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes almost like Dr Pepper. Soft chew when it has flavor. Flavor lasts for a few minutes. If I had the ability, I could blow bubbles the size of my head with this gum. Sweetened using sugar, corn syrup, and artificial sweeteners.
Cons: My inability to blow bubble gum bubbles bigger than my fist (I have small fists). Only five pieces. Not a soft chew after the flavor goes away; it gives my jaw a low impact workout. I feel like I need to brush my teeth after chewing it.
Nutrition Facts: N/A
Other reviews: TV and Gum Are Awesome

Doritos Jacked Ranch Dipped Hot Wings

Item: Doritos Jacked Ranch Dipped Hot Wings
Purchased Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 10 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasing tangy hot wing sauce flavor with a bit of creaminess. There’s a slight chicken flavor thanks to the ingredient chicken fat. Hearty crunch. Huge chips. New Doritos logo.
Cons: Red hue makes them look evil, but they aren’t very hot. Not as addictive as most other Doritos varieties. Smelling them will burn nostrils, just like real hot wings. Not for MSG haters.
Nutrition Facts: 1 oz. – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 290 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Junk Food Guy, Brand Eating, Chip Review

Tostitos Cantina Thin & Crispy

Item: Tostitos Cantina Thin & Crispy Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like other Tostitos tortilla chips. Simple ingredients. Crispy. With some Corona beers and these chips, you could make your Taco Bell meal seem like it’s from a cantina.
Cons: Tastes like other Tostitos tortilla chips. Too fragile for thicker salsas.
Nutrition Facts: 1 oz. – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Spoil Your Dinner

Burger King Loaded Tater Tots

Item: Burger King Loaded Tater Tots
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 8 pieces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: At times, it kind of tastes like a loaded baked potato. Slightly crunchy exterior. Longer than BK’s Cheesy Tots. Better than Burger King’s fries. Available in 8, 10, or 12 pieces. BK’s changing menu.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon flavor and can’t taste the bacon at all in some tots. Light cheese flavor. Potatoes inside looked more like mashed potatoes than tater tots. Not as satisfying as BK’s Cheesy Tots. Made with partially hydrogenated oil.
Nutrition Facts: 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 640 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Junk Food Betty, Brand Eating

REVIEW: Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips

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Katy's Kettle Corn Popchips

It’s surprising Katy Perry’s likeness isn’t printed on every bag of her Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips. I’m also stunned Popchips didn’t name the chips Katy’s Kettle Korn, which would’ve created a wonderful visual alliteratio…oh wait, KKK. Never mind.

I’ll never know why Popchips and/or Katy Perry decided to leave Ms. Perry’s curvy body off the bag, but I wish it was on there because I really need a visual palate cleaner, if you will, to remove the image in my head of Larry the Cable Guy’s curvy body on his chip bags.

The list of ingredients that make up Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips are as simple as the lyrics to Perry’s “California Gurls.” But instead of lots oooooh oh ooooohs, these chips are made of whole grain corn; sunflower, safflower and or canola oil; sugar; salt; and natural flavors.

However, while California Gurl’s hooks are catchy, will forever take up some gray matter in my head, and will occasionally come out of my mouth while washing a car, I can’t say the same about the flavor of Ms. Perry’s Popchips.

Well, actually, there is a memorable moment, but it’s fleeting. It starts once I put one of these chips in my mouth and ends by the second or third chew. What I experience during these milliseconds is a pleasing mostly sweet and slightly salty fusion. However, that flavor quickly dissipates and my taste buds are left with a rice cake-like blandness that makes them feel like they’re on a flavor roller coaster and also wonder, “Is Popchips trying to trick us into a diet?”

Yes, basically, much like Ms. Perry’s marriage to Russell Brand, the flavor ended quickly.

Katy's Kettle Corn Popchips Closeup

Also, these kettle corn-flavored Popchips don’t appear to be as appetizing as Popchips’ potato and tortilla varieties. They look like…um, how can I say this using a reference from the 1980s that’ll force some of you to use Google, Wikipedia, or IMDB to know what I’m writing about? Oh, I know. They have a texture that’s much like the skin of Alex’s navigator, Grig, in The Last Starfighter.

However, these chips do have a hearty crunch to them. So if you’re one of those people who likes to annoy others by chewing with your mouth open, these chips will help boost the sound of your masticating. They also have no preservatives, artificial flavors, or artificial colors. So if you’re one of those people who likes to annoy others by being smug about the all-natural foods you eat, these chips will help boost your pontificating.

Overall, I guess you could say I didn’t like Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips as much as Ms. Perry liked kissing a girl.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams/about 16 chips – 130 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 3.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant sweet and salty flavor. All-natural. No saturated or trans fat. Great crunch. The way Popchips are made. The Last Starfighter.
Cons: Sweet and salty flavor doesn’t last long. Doesn’t look as appetizing as other varieties of Popchips. Not having a Last Starfighter sequel when the movie totally set one up.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee

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Dunkin' Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always struggled with walking into Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s not that I’m drunk and end up stumbling into glass doors or anything like that, but rather, it’s the unfortunate predisposition I have to being both very, very indecisive, as well as having insatiable cravings for the kinds of things that keep dentists working overtime.

Never mind the fact that Dunkin’ Donuts presents me with a sugary catalogue filled with fried dough in all shapes and sizes, but I oftentimes find myself in a Dunkin’ that shares their space with the 31 flavors of Baskin-Robbins.

What starts out as a late afternoon coffee pick-me-up can easily turn into three scoops of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, followed by the inevitable and actual physical struggle of walking out of Dunkin’ Donuts thanks to a sugar high not seen since that fat kid in Matilda ate that whole chocolate cake.

The way I see it, the new Baskin-Robbins-inspired iced coffee flavors from Dunkin’ are, or at least should be, the ideal way to kill two birds with one stone and get both my coffee kick and ice cream sugar fix (as for working donut ingestion into that mix, I leave that up to Baskin-Robbins’ R&D).

Since I recently returned from a business trip in which I experienced the full brunt of that sweet southern concoction of nuts, butter, cream, and sugar known as pralines, I felt like the Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee was calling my name. And because I stress the utmost in scientific and accurate reporting on all things tooth decaying and artery clogging, I made sure to grab a cone of Baskin-Robbins’ Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Ice Cream at the same time.

Dunkin' Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee with Ice Cream

The Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee didn’t taste exactly like the ice cream flavor that shares its name, but the former is still very good. Because I wish for my iced coffee to have the rich taste of actual milk fat and not just the watery and dull taste of lactic acid, I chose to have my iced coffee with cream instead of skim milk. I highly suggest this.

The syrup itself is plenty sweet, but not cloying in the way you’d expect from the stuff that gives snow cones their flavor. It’s actually remarkably balanced when taken with the rest of the beverage, with a roasted pecan flavor that’s only heightened by the mellow and smooth Dunkin’ coffee. There’s also a depth of sweetness that tastes like brown sugar or maple syrup.

Dunkin' Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee Topsies

Taking turns sipping from my iced coffee and licking my Butter Pecan Ice Cream cone, I found both products enjoyable, if moderately different in flavor. The iced coffee focused the pecan flavor more in terms of what I would call a “creamery fresh” sensation with a sophisticated roasted vibe, while the ice cream drew most of its flavor from the buttery and oily flavors of the big ass pecan sticking out of the cone.

Dunkin' Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee Dunking

I didn’t find Dunkin’ Donuts’ take on sister chain Baskin-Robbins’ Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Ice Cream to be an exact replication, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a bold and interesting new take in the overcrowded fast food iced coffee market which screams for flavors beyond vanilla, hazelnut, and caramel. The roasted and full-flavored coffee notes, as well as the brown sugar, give the Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee a kind of pralines and cream flavor that’s in some ways preferable to the “Old Fashioned” Butter Pecan flavor of the Baskin-Robbins ice cream, and much more lively than the par-for-the-course shot of vanilla-flavored syrup.

(Nutrition Facts – small – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 6% calcium.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: Small
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Much better than standard iced coffee syrup. Tastes like butter pecan. Creamery fresh taste has roasted pecan flavor thanks to the smoky notes of coffee. Pralines ‘n Cream thing going on. Killing two birds with one stone. Dunking ice cream in coffee gives new meaning to the ‘Dunkin’ in Dunkin Donuts.
Cons: Doesn’t have actual pecans in it. Butter flavor could use some work. Finding a way to work donuts into the equation

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza

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Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza

Pizza Hut likes to do things differently. In the past, they’ve been known to shove hot dogs inside of their pizza crusts, or even decorate the perimeter of a pie with cheeseburgers. It seems that Pizza Hut has once again decided to deviate from the traditional pizza crust formula with the introduction of the new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza, which was launched in the United States on April 3 and will be available for a limited time only.

The Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza encircles a pizza with cheese pockets containing a blend of five different cheeses: asiago, fontina, mozzarella, provolone, and white cheddar. For just $12.99, hungry citizens all over the US can purchase a single topping Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza. Today, I was one of those citizens.

As my stomach growled with unimaginable voracity, I picked up the phone and dialed my nearest Pizza Hut. The exchange went something like this…

Pizza Hut Employee: Pizza Hut. How can I help you?

Me: Hi, I’d like to order a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: …a what?

Me: A Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: Do you mean…a Stuffed Crust Pizza?

Me: No, I mean a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: *silence*

Me: It’s a new pizza that was released yesterday. Do you have it?

Employee: Oh, umm…please hold.

After being placed on hold for a short while, the employee returned and allowed me to finish my order, assuring me it would be thirty minutes until my pizza arrived. I was nervous, worried that the delivery person would hand me a pizza box containing a normal, non-crazy pizza.

I can only imagine the chaos that occurred at that Pizza Hut when I hung up the phone: employees running every which way, knocking over boxes of crusts, cheeses, and sauces, searching for some sort of clue to help them learn what exactly a “Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza” is, and exactly how one can be prepared. Soon, a riot begins, and a few unfortunate individuals lose their lives while searching for the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza recipe.

(A moment of silence for the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013.)

The thirty minutes I spent waiting for my pizza were long and trying. Eventually, the delivery person arrived, and I gave him the cash in exchange for his Cheesy Crust. I opened the box, and found myself standing before a pizza somewhat shaped like a chrysanthemum. Extending from the main body of the pizza were sixteen cheesy prongs, begging to be devoured. I could wait no longer; I picked up my first slice and took a bite.

Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Slice

The main pizza portion of Pizza Hut’s new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza offers few surprises. The sauce is Pizza Hut’s usual sweet tomato sauce, and the cheese provides a pretty standard mozzarella taste. The crust, however, is noticeably thinner than a standard Pizza Hut pizza’s crust, providing a bit less support, which leads to a sagging slice. However, this might not be deemed an issue for fans of Domino’s and Papa John’s.

Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Pocket

The real difference shines through with the pockets of cheese. Whether eaten before the rest of the slice or after, the five cheese blend tastes noticeably different compared to the rest of the pizza. The lack of sauce in the pockets really serves to highlight the flavor of the cheeses. I was unable to identify the unique flavor of any of the five cheeses. Instead, the five cheese flavors blend into one uniform taste, which comes through as slightly sharper than the standard Pizza Hut mozzarella.

The texture of the cheese inside the pockets is nearly identical to the texture of the cheese in the main body of the pizza, though slightly more spongy. I was hoping that the crust surrounding the pockets would be crispier than the rest of the crust, but it was softer than expected, most likely moistened by the cheese that sat inside of the pockets.

The pizza, though slightly overcooked, was still pretty satisfying. I imagine it would be best eaten straight out of the oven, with the cheese inside of the pockets still slightly melted from the heat. As the pizza cools down, the cheese becomes more spongy and less appealing in general.

Overall, the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza was a pleasant deviation from the standard pizza offered by Pizza Hut, but I feel like the inclusion of the cheese pockets was not enough to warrant a repeat purchase of this pizza. Its flavor is not a significant improvement over the standard pizza’s flavor, and in my opinion, Stuffed Crust is a much better option for those pizza fans looking for that extra cheese kick. All things considered, I encourage any cheese-lovers out there to try the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza while it lasts!

This review is dedicated to the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013: Michael “Cheesy Crust” Robinson III, Edward “Big Eddie” McPizzaPants, and Sergeant Tony O’Sauce. Our love goes out to their friends and family.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Item: Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza
Purchased Price: $12.99
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: An enjoyable pizza. Five cheese! Cheesy prongs.
Cons: Sagging slices. Five cheese flavors blend into single flavor. Unappetizing when cooled down. Cheesy massacres.

REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND (FREEZER AISLE EDITION) – 4/2/2013

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Here are some quick reviews of new-ish freezer aisle products we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Hungry-Man Garlic Sauce Saute Chicken Power Meal

Item: Hungry-Man Garlic Sauce Saute Chicken Power Meal
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal. Lots of corn, carrots, and broccoli. Pasta cooked perfectly. Nutrition facts are closer to Lean Cuisine meals than to other Hungry-Man meals. Corn tastes like the stuff in Swanson frozen meals, which I kind of like. Long plastic tray make me feel like I’m eating from a trough.
Cons: Need a stronger garlic sauce or more of it. Could use a bit more chicken. Pricey. Chicken was more salty than flavorful, and was a little dried out. Left a fine grittiness in my mouth.
Nutrition Facts: 320 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 630 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 30% vitamin A, 10% calcium, 30% vitamin C, and 10% iron.

Totino's Pizzeria Cheesy Garlic Rolls

Item: Totino’s Pizzeria Cheesy Garlic Rolls
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 19.8 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant garlic flavor. Easy to make. 40 rolls per bag. Better when heated up in the oven. There’s some about the crust that I love.
Cons: Garlic not strong enough to fend off vampires. Slightly weird buttery flavor. Innards oozes out in the oven. Innards oozes out in the microwave. Trans fat.
Nutrition Facts: 6 rolls – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Fat Guy Food Blog

Totino's Pizzeria Meatball Marinara Rolls

Item: Totino’s Pizzeria Meatball Marinara Rolls
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 19.8 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Its flavor reminds me of a sausage Totino’s Party Pizza. Decent tasting sauce. Lots of sauce. Frozen ones can be used to pelt your enemies.
Cons: Sauce, cheese, and meat oozes out in the microwave. Sauce, cheese, and meat oozes out in the microwave. Not a lot of cheese. Good source of trans fat. Being the target of people throwing frozen Totino’s Pizzeria Rolls.
Nutrition Facts: 6 rolls – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Fat Guy Food Blog

Morningstar Farms Mediterranean Chickpea Veggie Burgers

Item: Morningstar Farms Mediterranean Chickpea Veggie Burgers
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 4 patties
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Mild chickpea flavor with a bit of onion and garlic. 100% vegetarian. Low fat. Good source of fiber. They look and taste better than Morningstar Farms regular veggie burger patties. Decent source of protein.
Cons: Chickpeas tend to explode in the microwave. Spinach and tomatoes aren’t noticeable. Patties will look small on top of premium buns.
Nutrition Facts: 1 burger – 110 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 170 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 10 grams of protein.

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