REVIEW: Cinnabon Pecanbon Center of the Roll

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Cinnabon Pecanbon Center of the Roll

Ah, Cinnabon. You are the destroyer of diets, the widener of waistlines. You ought to be the adversary of ample alliterators like myself, and yet I have never gained an ounce of weight from your baked goods.

This is because I only eat Cinnabon in airports, and as everyone knows, airport calories don’t count. You get so stressed out from traveling and you have to burn so much extra energy to stop yourself from screaming at the little boy kicking your seat the entire flight that your body allows you to eat whatever you want, and everything still comes out even in the end. Airport calories are close relatives of “It’s finals week and I’ve done no reading all semester” calories, “I’m still at the office way past midnight” calories, and “I just had a breakup and have to eat my feelings” calories. Obviously, none of these calories should be held against you. This was all a very convoluted way of saying thank goodness I had to go to an airport this Thanksgiving break. Otherwise, we’d have no review of the Cinnabon Pecanbon Center of the Roll.
 
Cinnabon offers its new Center of the Roll (CotR from now on) in both classic and Pecanbon varieties, with pecans and caramel added to the latter. Given that the company website describes the CotR as just “the ooey, gooey middle” of a Classic Roll, I had been expecting something the size and shape of a Minibon but with a gooier texture. What I got was… well, it was sort of hard to say what I got at first, as everything had been placed in a big cup and drenched in cream cheese frosting. It seems like they split up the inner layers of a Classic Roll, cut the layers into slightly smaller chunks, and just put a handful of chunks into each cup. The separated nature of the CotR allows the cream cheese frosting to drip naturally through the cracks and get on each individual piece, sparing the eater of having to make the difficult decision of whether to ration the frosting on top or splurge on the extra cup of frosting. (Hint: in that situation, always go with the extra cup. It’s only 99 cents more, and you’re already eating a Cinnabon. As the proverb goes, “in for a penny, in for a pound.”)
 
And yes, the CotR actually does seem to be from the center of the roll.  At the very least, the pieces are too soft to be from the outside of the roll, and the sponginess of the chunks plays really well with the crunchiness of the pecans. The caramel, however, was rather disappointing. There was enough caramel to change the color of the frosting noticeably, yet I could barely catch any hint of its flavor. Upon further review, I suppose it’s not the caramel’s fault. My expectations of its effect were just unrealistic, and the Cinnabon product designer’s intentions are unclear. The cream cheese frosting is so tasty because it adds a tartness that melds with and subdues what is otherwise an onslaught of total sweetness. Caramel is by definition just melted sugar, so to expect it to stand out would be plain silly. The Superman that is the frosting already has super-speed/sugar; why would you bother inviting caramel-as-The Flash to join the Cinnabon’s Justice League? Wow, that analogy was much less terrible in my head, but at least now you can check “comic book reference” off your TIB Bingo Card.
 
All things considered, I really enjoyed the Pecanbon Center of the Roll, and I appreciate Cinnabon’s efforts to introduce new items without straying too far from their core products. If you’re a Cinnabon fan to begin with, make sure to try one the next time you’re at an airport. Even if your body doesn’t believe in the airport calorie theory, I’m sure it’ll agree that “What that TSA agent just did to me might mean we’re married in some religions and I really need to eat something” calories should get a free pass.
 
(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website)

Item: Cinnabon Pecanbon Center of the Roll
Price: $3.49
Size: one cup
Purchased at: Cinnabon (in an airport)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Frosting on every piece. Gooier than regular whole Cinnabon. Crunchiness of the pecans. Alliteration. Airport calories not counting. Always getting the extra cup of frosting. TIB Bingo.
Cons: Caramel is unnecessary. Airport calories might actually count. Analogies that seem better in your head. New TSA regulations.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites

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Dunkin' Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites

In theory, Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites should be a guaranteed win.  What’s there to say?  It’s sausage links wrapped in pancakes with maple syrup added.  If our ancestors had invented these, we would today know very little about the extinct animal once called the “pig.” 

But Dunkin’ Donuts has let me down before.  Not with their pumpkin donuts, of course, those marvelous confections that let you know fall is here and it’s time to bust out the expandable pants.  But let’s be honest, those french toast twists were nothing to write home about.  So approaching this new treat, I was hopeful but cautious, like a shark stalking a seal that might actually be a fat surfer.  Turns out I needn’t have worried.

As you can see from this photograph expertly snapped in a parking lot next to the highway, the bites come wrapped in a paper sleeve of the sort you might use for a medium order of fries.  This is unfortunate because it highlights just how small each individual bite is.  The three you get don’t come close to filling up the bag, each being thicker than a cocktail weenie but not nearly as long as a “regular” sausage link.  A lesser man than I would make a joke about sausage size here, but really, that’s not what we’re here for.  Let’s just say they’re perfectly adequate, and besides no one notices that as long as they fill you up.  I mean, that’s what I’ve heard.  All kidding aside, I’m not a massive eater and one serving fell somewhere between a snack and a full meal for me, so take that into account and be prepared to order two if you’re really hungry.  Or decide you’re okay with feeling partially unsatisfied in exchange for a cheap(er) date.  $1.59 buys you 300 calories and no cuddling afterwards.

I had expected a strong smell of sausage from the little bastards, but surprisingly this wasn’t the case; the cornmeal forms an impenetrable force field locking in the scent of cooked meat.  It basically just smells like a corn muffin with a slight whiff of maple syrup — disappointing for the more carnivorous among us, but ideal for not drawing attention in a crowded elevator or for tricking a vegetarian into eating one.  That only holds true until you bite in, of course, at which point the meaty aroma is unlocked like a new character in Street Fighter.  By then you won’t care, though, because you’ll have a bite (a bite of a bite?) in your mouth.

And the verdict is… yeah, they’re pretty good.  The maple syrup taste is understated and so is the pancake, maybe to avoid overpowering the sausage, which to be fair IS cooked well and tastes delicious.  That said, I could’ve done with a little less stinginess on the syrup, maybe even — dare I say it? — a dipping cup.  It has the overall effect of making them seem more like corn muffin sausage bites than pancake sausage bites, which probably isn’t as marketable, so I guess they knew what they were doing with the name.  Really, though, the sausage taste dominates; everything else is just a slight hint on your taste buds, and like that – POOF.  Like Keyser Söze.

So they’re not quite the slam dunk they might initially appear to be, but I can still recommend the sausage pancake bites, and I’m not just saying that because the counter girl at my local DD once said I had really pretty eyes.  (I do, they offset my widow’s peak.)  As expected, the pancake side of things had to be downplayed because that would be just too much awesome for one dish, but they’re still tasty.  And while I’d stop short of calling three little mini-corndogs for a buck and a half a bargain, they won’t exactly break the bank either.  Except in your eventual gym membership fees if you routinely get two servings.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pieces – 300 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 550 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Dunkin’ Donuts Pancake Bites reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites
Price: $1.59 per serving; two for $3.00
Size: 3 bites per serving
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Relatively inexpensive.  Tricking vegetarians.  Easy to eat while driving.  Tasty seal.
Cons: Syrup deficiency.  Olfactory deception.  No matter what your girlfriend told you, size matters.

REVIEW: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

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Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

Where was the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal when I wanted to create the illusion that I had some culinary skills so I could impress a woman?

Instead, I had to plate a Stouffer’s lasagna in a way that made it look like it wasn’t a Stouffer’s lasagna.

I also had to make my kitchen look like I did some actual cooking in it by having a dish rack full of items I would use if I had made the lasagna, an empty lasagna noodle box in the trash, a slightly warm oven, a half used block of mozzarella cheese in the fridge and a few tomato sauce spots on my kitchen counter that I “missed” while cleaning up.

Heck, I had to buy a casserole dish so I could plop the Stouffer’s lasagna into it. On top of that, in an attempt to gain pity points, I cut myself with a knife on purpose to make it appear like I injured myself while cooking. Who knew pretending to make a lasagna would be as hard as making a lasagna?

But, sadly, all that effort didn’t even get me to first base with her. I might as well have taken her to Chuck E. Cheese, because it would’ve gotten the same result, but at least I would’ve had the opportunity to play in a pit of balls. Maybe I didn’t get to first base because she knew it was a Stouffer’s lasagna. Or maybe my yawn/stretch/wrap my arm around her technique was creepy because my hand accidentally landed on her boob.

Oh wait, I just realized I got to second base with her. YES! I can now add this to my sexual conquests diary.

While I never saw her again and never heard from her after leaving a message on her voice mail every day for a month, perhaps I can accidentally get to third base with next woman if I pretend to make the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal from scratch.

Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal Prepared

The bagged meal is made up of grilled white meat chicken and spinach with farfalle pasta tossed in a creamy parmesan cheese and garlic sauce. What’s farfalle pasta? It’s one of my trump cards to impress her.

I’ll keep calling it farfalle pasta, until she asks me what it is. Then I’ll say, “Oh, silly me. I thought you knew what farfalle was, because you look like a sophisticated woman. We in the culinary world call it farfalle, but normal people call it bowtie pasta.”

Aw yeah, droppin’ knowledge equals droppin’ panties.

I’ve tried a number of frozen meals for two and almost all of them tend to have small servings, but this Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal makes two ample servings. Preparing it involves stirring the contents of the package in a non-stick skillet with 1/3 cup of milk.

The result is a creamy, tasty dish that makes me appear to have skills in the kitchen. The farfalle pasta came out perfect, the sauce had the right amount of garlic flavor and the spinach provided color to the dish and iron, but the chicken turned out a little dry.

The Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal turned out quite well, which gives me hope that, with my fraudulent culinary skills, I can impress the next woman who begrudgingly agrees to have dinner with me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package/340 grams (prepared) – 560 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1270 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 40 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 4% vitamin C, 45% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal
Price: $7.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty frozen meal. Ample servings. Creamy sauce. Pasta came out perfect. Getting a woman to have dinner with me. Easy to make. Getting to first, second or third base. Good source of calcium and vitamin A. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: Chicken turned out a little dry. Great source of sodium and saturated fat. Impressing women with fake culinary skills. Not getting a call back after leaving a voice mail message every day for a month.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie

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Jamba Juice Berried 'n Chocolate Smoothie

Berried ‘n’ Chocolate would’ve made a great name for a 1970’s television cop buddy show.

Chocolate would’ve been the smooth talking black police detective who doesn’t like to use violence and Berried would’ve been his clumsy (place ethnicity here) partner who used the catchphrase, “You just got Berried by the law,” every time they caught the criminal, although Chocolate did all the work.

Unfortunately, a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show was never made and allowed to run for two episodes before being cancelled, either because “You just got Berried by the law” got old really quick or the show ended up being a little racist. While there was never a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show, thanks to Jamba Juice, there’s a Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie.

Jamba Juice’s Berried ‘n Chocolate is a new addition to their Creamy Treats line of smoothies, which also consists of the worst smoothies for you on the Jamba Juice menu. One such smoothie is the Original-size Peanut Butter Moo’d, which contains 770 calories and 108 grams of sugar.

Moo, indeed.

A Berried ‘n Chocolate is created by using strawberries, Jamba’s Chocolate Moo’d base, semisweet chocolate chips, non-fat frozen yogurt, mixed berry juice, blueberries and ice. The mixture ends up having a grayish purple color, which maybe fine for a goth makeup kit, but probably isn’t the most appetizing on a food color wheel. The Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie also has a weird texture. Not only does it have seeds, but it’s also slightly chalky, which might be caused by the semisweet chocolate chips.

The smoothie tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop, which I’m not sure is a good thing. I’ve sucked on several dozen Tootsie Pops in my lifetime and have always considered the Tootsie Roll center as the best part of the lollipop. The fruity candy coating is something that’s in the way, which I’m pretty sure is the same thing Mr. Owl believed when he tried to determine how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Why else would he bite away the hard shell after only two licks and screw with the scientific method?

So, basically, the Berried ‘n Chocolate tastes like a Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 520 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 108 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 91 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 80% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie
Price: $4.69
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop. Awesome source of vitamin C and protein. Uses real strawberries and blueberries. Use non-fat frozen yogurt. Catchphrases.
Cons: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of. Weird texture and grayish purple color. Same amount of calories as a Big Mac. Screwing with the scientific method. Awesome source of sugar. No cop buddy show called Berried ‘n’ Chocolate.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

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Carl's Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

Doesn’t seem like chicken tenders would be such a big deal. Lots of fast food places have them. I’m actually surprised Carl’s Jr. has waited so long to introduce them to the menu.

You’d think such an addition would go gentle into that good night, but no. According to Carl’s, these are not just any chicken tenders. These are hand-breaded chicken tenders, and that is a big deal. There have been an onslaught of commercials: one going the fear route, with nothing but video of “Box 1457 B partially cooked frozen chicken strips” slowly panning out while the ominous voice-over informs you that they’ve been sitting there for 12 days, trying to convince you that even though you’ve been eating these crappy chicken strips for years, if you do it just one more time YOU WILL DIE. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close.

Another takes quite a different spin. Two receptionists stuff their faces with the hand-breaded chicken tenders; one asks the other why she stopped working at Carl’s, and she says it was too much work, with all the dipping and the hand-breading and the frying and the hey lady! Then the phone rings, and the first girl says, “That phone is soooo annoying.” Continue with face-stuffing.

As a female and a former career receptionist/secretary/office bitch, I should be offended, if I was the type of person to be offended by such things. But hey, if it gets the point across and Carl’s Jr.’s marketing department doesn’t mind being accosted by angry feminists and secretaries for portraying all of them as completely vapid bitches, have at it.

The Spanish-speaking contingent gets the best commercial. Isn’t that always the way? Obviously meant as a parody of telenovelas, some dude ogles the hot Latina maid dressed up in a “Sexy French Maid” Halloween outfit. Another hot Latina chick, presumably his wife, catches him in the act and starts screaming, wiping the table clean with a dramatic sweep of her arm and the breakage of several pieces of delicate flatware. The maid then sexily brings the man a tray of chicken tenders, the wife and the man sexily eat the chicken tenders, and the maid looks at them both sexily. I have no idea what is going on, but it is obviously the best of the bunch.

Carl's Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders Inside

Carl’s description of the chicken tenders is “Freshly prepared hand-breaded chicken tenders. Premium, all-white meat chicken hand dipped in buttermilk, lightly breaded and fried to a golden brown. Served with a choice of honey mustard, buttermilk ranch or sweet & bold BBQ dipping sauces.”

Some of these things are true. Some of them are indeterminate. I have to say, I thought the chicken definitely tasted fresher, or perhaps more chicken-like, than I’ve experienced with other fast food chicken strips. It both looks and tastes like an authentic piece of chicken breast. The meat is juicy and fairly tender.

As for the breading, I wouldn’t call it “lightly breaded,” but I also wouldn’t call it “smothered in two inches of crunchy breading,” which is how I would describe KFC’s chicken. Not that that’s a bad thing. Unfortunately, my tenders were fried to a little more than golden brown. I might go so far as to say they were over-fried. They didn’t taste burnt, but they could have been a little more on the golden side. That’s just the vagaries of fast food though; the next order could have been fried perfectly. The breading was crunchy and a little greasy, and didn’t really seem to contain any special spices.

I enjoyed Carl’s Jr.’s Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders, but they didn’t exactly blow my mind. Yeah, the chicken tastes fresh, and the breading is pretty good, but to be honest, if I hadn’t been beaten over the head by Carl’s with the idea that these were “freshly prepared” and “hand-breaded,” I wouldn’t have known the difference. The breading is a little bit of a different texture, but doesn’t scream groundbreaking. The Chicken Tenders came with some buttermilk ranch dip, but it too didn’t blow my mind. It would really help if a hot Latina served them to me in a French Maid outfit, though.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 chicken tenders (246 grams) – 560 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 120 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,930 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars and 47 grams of protein.)

Other Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade

Item: Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

Price: $4.69

Size: 5 tenders (246 grams)

Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.

Rating: 6 out of 10

Pros: Chicken was juicy. Hot Latina chicks. Meat seemed like real breast meat. Breading had a good texture. “Box 1457 B.”

Cons: Tenders were over-fried, but that could just be bad luck. Stereotypes that receptionists are dumb and lazy. Breading had no spices or special flavoring. Fear of ever eating pre-breaded chicken strips again. Couldn’t tell if they were hand-breaded or not anyway.

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