ANNOUNCEMENT: We Let an eBook Publisher Go Through Our Fast Food Reviews to Put Together a Collection of Them So That We Can Say We Published a Book!

bookcoverWe’ve done a salt lick’s worth of fast food reviews here at The Impulsive Buy. Don’t believe me? Read our archives or pick up our brand new eBook, Brutally Honest Fast Food Reviews – The Best and Worst of Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Other Drive-Thru Mainstays.

Yes, you can now read TIB reviews without an Internet connection. Well, that’s not entirely true, you’ll need one to download the eBook. But once it’s downloaded you can enjoy it on your eBook reading device sans Internet. And if you’re in your private place, sans pants.

Putting together this book was hard work…that we didn’t do. We left the collecting, editing, and graphic designing to our new friends over at Hyperink, who specialize in turning blogs into eBooks. We’ve done almost 1,200 reviews here at The Impulsive Buy and I estimate about one-fifth of them are fast food reviews. Our eBook doesn’t have them all, but it’s got many of our best.

So if you’re a new TIB reader, this eBook is a great way to look back at some of our archives which goes back eight years. And if you’re a long time reader, this eBook is a wonderful way to relive all the sodium and saturated fat we consumed for you.

So how much is Brutally Honest Fast Food Reviews – The Best and Worst of Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Other Drive-Thru Mainstays?

If you buy it from the Amazon Kindle store, it’s just $4.95. You can also purchase it direct from Hyperink for just $2.99. With that purchase, you can get the eBook for the Kindle, Nook, iPad, or download a PDF.

Enjoy.

REVIEW: SPAM Meal for 1 SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce

SPAM Meal for 1 SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce

Ever since I first tried it, SPAM has always held a special place in my heart. I’d have that special place surgically removed, but my doctor told me the procedure was high-risk. So now I’m stuck with the occasional craving for salty, canned meat products, a fate only slightly better than taking a chance under the knife.

And while on vacation in Madeira Beach browsing the aisles of Winn-Dixie — a supermarket chain so rare in my hometown that I’m occasionally surprised to hear it still exists — my curse kicked in and I was involuntarily willed into purchasing this monstrosity: SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce.

SPAM Meal For 1 microwaveable meals sit comfortably on the shelf next to Hormel’s other line of human food troughs, Compleats. Considering the reputations that precede both SPAM and Hormel as a whole, the aisle admittedly set the bar pretty low as far as expectations go. But, at five dollars for two trays, and with a sizable chunk of my savings having already been spent on said vacation, my options were relatively limited when it came to sweet, nourishing fuel. And, at 410 calories a serving, I’d say I got a decent bang for my buck. Not that 410 calories worth of pantry-safe TV dinner is a good thing…

SPAM Meal for 1 SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce Closeup

The microwavable marvel has the added benefits of being good to eat for well over a year and being ready to eat in just one minute. After peeling the film back from the tray, I briefly considered awaiting the apocalypse and subsequent post-apocalyptic world that would necessitate the consumption of this and similar foods. But after quickly stirring it around and pouring it onto a plate (for presentation), my meal looked sufficiently more appetizing.

SPAM Meal for 1 SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce Closerup

The first bite left me pleasantly surprised at the actual palatability of the meal itself. I was a bit disappointed that it was nowhere near as comically distasteful as I imagined. I was underwhelmed on both fronts though, that the meal was neither delicious nor disgusting, a pervasive presence devoid of any strong flavor that could only be described as Bland. Spoonful after heaping spoonful I waited, searching desperately for a flavor that didn’t want to be found, or perhaps was never there to begin with.

After separating out the ingredients for individual tasting, I was pleased to note that the SPAM bits were identifiably SPAM by flavor, sating my accursed desires. The rest of the meal was an inoffensive but not necessarily appetizing experience, similar in consistency and slightly in taste to canned New England Clam Chowder, complete with gratuitous amounts of sodium.

I’m not saying this SPAM & Penne Pasta With Alfredo Sauce was the worst meal I’ve had in weeks. I’m not saying that because I ate a Chicken With Dumplings MRE a while back, and that is the worst meal I’ve had in weeks. I’m not even saying it tasted BAD, per se. I’m just saying the meal would be more suitable eaten as one of the last things left in your dusty unlit kitchen, boarded up in the zombie-proof haven that was once your home.

(Nutrition Facts – 410 calories, 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Item: SPAM Meal for 1 SPAM & Penne Pasta in Alfredo Sauce
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Winn-Dixie
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly palatable. Real SPAM bits. Not expensive. Filling. Ready in 60 seconds. Ready in a year and 60 seconds. Winn-Dixie.
Cons: Bland. Not comically disgusting. Not very healthy. Curses. Chicken With Dumplings MREs. The zombie apocalypse.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Earnest

Salutations, Internet! The name is Earnest, and I have come here to chew bubblegum and write reviews… and write reviews about chewing bubblegum. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I’m a college junior at USF, working full-time to support my non-stop appetite. I moved to Florida nearly 12 years ago from Germany (military brat), and I’ve been putting up with heat, humidity and hurricanes ever since. I also spent a couple years of my childhood in California and in my birthplace, Georgia. I like to think that my well-traveled upbringing molded me into the indiscriminate gourmand that I am today. I like to think that, but living in Germany probably doesn’t explain why I keep buying deep-fried butter balls and Luther Burgers from the Florida State Fair. Though it may explain my almost daily consumption of beer.

Living near Tampa has given me access to myriads of cultural restaurants, from Jamaican to Persian to Thai, all fantastic. I’m slowly but surely trying more, but it’s really hard to do when mixing things up means turning down Florida’s delicious Latin and Southern American cuisine. I mean, one does not simply say no to an Ybor Cuban Sandwich. Regardless, going out of my way to see the sights and taste the delights has become an enjoyable (albeit expensive) hobby of mine, and that fascination goes all the way to the grocery store. I’ve always had a penchant for novelty, and I’m excited to be sharing my ventures outside of my usual Facebook audience!

My other hobbies include your standard geeky occupations: Anime, video games, and spending entirely too much time on the internet. I’m also a beer aficionado and a modest lover of music. I enjoy bacon to excess, rainy days while indoors, short walks on the beach to the ice cream stand, and I’m very much going to enjoy this.

Prosit!

REVIEW: KFC Original Recipe Bites

KFC Original Recipe Bites

As a quirky 20-something looking to recapture my childhood in the nutritionally devoid menace of fast food, you might say I live with unrealistic expectations of fried chicken products which harken back to my childhood. And, as a 20-something reluctant to embrace the finality of entering the “real world,” you might say I have unrealistic expectations of my parents to put up with my avoidance of grown up stuff.

Thankfully, KFC has offered me the chance to proliferate both of these unrealistic expectations with their new Original Recipe Bites. Marketed for “a distinctly grown up taste,” they feature the Colonel’s secret recipe of herb and spices applied to “100 percent white meat.” They also, apparently, will allow millions of Xbox playing bums living in their parents’ basements to prolong their bygone dreams of winning the Heisman trophy in the alternate world of NCAA 13. And while I hardly live in my parents’ basement (Please, I’m above that. No, literally. We all live on the same floor), I am well versed in putting off actual adult things in favor of rushing for 700 yards a game in a video game.

KFC Original Recipe Bites Closeup

In the world of fast food chicken, the “bite” is a relatively recent if not overplayed phenomenon. Not quite a nugget, not exactly popcorn, and clearly not a finger or a tender, the best comparison for what KFC’s Bites actually are would be Chick-fil-A’s nuggets. Like Chick-fil-A’s moist, juicy, succulent, and nutty-sweet nuggets, KFC’s Bites have a breading that’s lighter than popcorn chicken, but still crunchy in spots. The flavor is classic KFC, which is to say a little pepper here, and little garlic here, and, obviously, a lot of salt all around. Not prone to the same burning or dried out effect that has plagued some versions of McDonald’s “McBites,” they come in an order of either six or ten with your choice of dipping sauce.

KFC Original Recipe Bites Innards

For the most part, the bite sized pieces aren’t bad, albeit a little small. My order – which is supposed to be 100 grams – clocked in at a pedestrian 78 grams, although the meat to breading ratio was much more respectable than McDonald’s aforementioned Spicy McBites. That being said, you can clearly see some crunchy ends jutting out of the main “bite.” Crunchy but hardly meaty, they tend to be saturated in oil. Speaking of oil, as someone who has long given into the seductive peanut oil infused taste and melt-in-your-mouth texture of Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, I can’t help but measure KFC’s Bites against them. And when it comes to matching Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, KFC just can’t do it. There’s no sweet aftertaste imparted from the oil, and the white meat itself, while not dry, is plain in flavor and nothing to write home about. All things considered, it’s about as “grown up” as Tommy Pickles in the Rugrats cartoon offshoot.

KFC Potato Wedges

I probably wouldn’t order KFC’s Original Recipe Bites all by themselves, but the six-piece $3.99 combo deal provides me with enough of an excuse to indulge in one of fast food’s most guiltiest pleasure: KFC’s potato wedges. Potato-ey, greasy, and probably filled with enough chemicals to keep a high school science class happy; they’re not much to behold, but damn are they good.

All things considered, KFC’s Original Recipe Bites probably won’t stave off getting “the talk” about actual life responsibility from your parents, and probably aren’t good enough to convince those parents to invest one more year in exorbitant electric bills earned through Xbox Live play in their basement. Nevertheless, if you’re looking for something with a little more meat than a McDonald’s McBite, or you just want an excuse to eat KFC potato wedges, you could do a lot worse. Like, you know, grade school shake-and-bake nugget worse. Thankfully, I’m too grown up for grade school chicken nuggets.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 bites – 200 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Other KFC Original Recipe Bites reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Brand Eating

Item: KFC Original Recipe Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99 combo with 1 side and a drink
Size: 6 pieces
Purchased at: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: 100% breast meat. Better than shake-and-bake nuggets. Decent meat to breading ratio. Crunchy end pieces. 11 herbs and spices. Excuse to eat KFC potato wedges. Never having to grow up.
Cons: Not as hefty as advertised. No where near Chick-fil-A nuggets in terms of interior moisture or flavor. Kind of bland. Oily. Celebrating a fast food product that celebrates, essentially, bumdom.

REVIEW: Vicks ZzzQuil

Vicks ZzzQuil

There were times during my post-college schooling that I would resort to NyQuil just to get some sleep. Afflicted with psychosomatic symptoms which, of course, were thin excuses to take the cold medicine, I would reach for that trademark-shaped bottle.

I conjured up symptoms like a scratchy throat while knowing I could scarf down salty pretzels with ease. Is my nose stuffy? Time for NyQuil, but I knew inside I was breathing fine. Is it 10:00pm? Time for NyQuil. You say the moon is out? Hells yeah, pour me two fingers please.

For the record, my favorite was the blue-green liquid because I thought the worse it tasted, the better it worked. Also, it looked like it was from the future. You know how movies let the viewer know it’s the year 3000 by having people at a bar drink blue or green cocktails in silver clothing. That’s what I imagined when I drank it.

I know a lot of us out there abused NyQuil’s magical qualities at one point. Then those stupid meth heads ruined all the fun. Medicines are now cut with weaker ingredients that frankly do not work as well as the old stuff.

I had to give the pharmacist my driver’s license just to buy the original NyQuil (renamed NyQuil-D) when the poor wife was suffering from a bad cold. Thanks a lot meth addicts. You deserve the sunken looks, splotchy skin and the occasional blown up limbs.

Suspiciously, it seems Vicks is keenly aware of NyQuil and its uses regardless if one is suffering from a cold. I have no evidence of this but how else to explain their new product ZzzQuil?

Not one to pass up a good time, I was fascinated by its name. It looked like a fake product hawked on a Saturday Night Live skit or a bad Wacky Packages card. I couldn’t believe it was real but tossed it in my cart along with the gummy fiber pills and rectangle tins of mustard sauce sardines.

Taking a picture, I posted the product on my social network to get a reaction. Friends alike kept asking if this was real. Yes Virginia, there is a ZzzQuil.

I went ahead and experimented in various methods to see how effective this purple berry flavored elixir was. Taking the next four days to get familiar with ZzzQuil, I rubbed my hands together and hoped for the best.

Night One: I ate a pot roast dinner about four hours prior to getting into to bed. No dessert so my stomach should be fairly settled. I removed the plastic mini cup and poured a shot of ZzzQuil. I sniffed and gagged as the distinguished bitter medicinal smell was there to say “Hello.”

I slugged it as fast as possible and noted that it was much more palatable than the blueish or the red cherry NyQuil. It’s true, a spoonful (or three) helps the medicine go down because it was damn sweet. The “warming berry flavor” was more of a nondescript sugary taste, thus explaining the ingredient: high fructose corn syrup. As viscous the medicine was, the ZzzQuil did not coat my tongue or throat. Like my favorite gin martini, it went down easy.

Despite the berry flavor, true as it states on the package, there was a warming effect in my stomach. However, there was a problem as I never felt groggy or sleepy soon after taking it. In fact, it took maybe an hour for it to work, if it did work at all. I wasn’t sure if it was the medicine or it was just normalcy that lulled me to sleep time.

Waking up, I did not feel out of it or tired as sometimes NyQuil does to a person. I was left with the question if this stuff works at all.

Night Two: I took ZzzQuil an hour earlier before bedtime. Watching Les and family toss out crazies in Hardcore Pawn made me laugh, which has some of the best confrontations this side of Cheaters. Two episodes in and I still did not feel tired.

Don’t judge me, but I enjoyed the mini-marathon so much I almost forgot I had taken the sleeping aid. I was able to devour quite a few “eff-youze” and only crashed when I decided to go to sleep. I never got that “fuzzy” or slow-motion brain thing when medicine makes you take a nap. Again, it failed.

Night Three: With my wife gone out of state to speak at some superhugeimportant symposium, I chose to take it so early that the sunlight was still out. Yes, I imbibed the purple concoction as soon as I got home from work. The 6:30 pm news blagged on about the thunderstorm warnings as I went through my evening routine of a shower, a neat scotch, and reading my e-mail as I made dinner.

It did not work. I was able to watch television, play some Diablo III and search for some Mexican Ghostbuster II t-shirts on eBay. I fell asleep when I went to bed at my normal time and I even broke the cardinal rule of no alcohol when taking this medicine.

Day Four: After spending Saturday morning getting a haircut, shopping for power ties, and buying some songs on iTunes, I went over to the almost empty bottle. I slammed down another shot and settled down with a couple of episodes of Lizard Lick Towing. Complimenting my trash television, I drank a couple of bottles of Newcastle’s Limited Edition Werewolf beer I acquired at my local Publix supermarket.

I followed my dosage by watching the underrated “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” listening to M83’s album twice (which some of its lush ambient songs themselves can bring you to sleep) while working on some manuscripts, half watched a rerun of Bridezillas, and internet shopped for some argyle sweater vests. I also drank three martinis sans olives, ate a mashed potato sandwich and scarfed down a handful of gumdrops. Not once did I get that sleepy feeling. Although, I did get drunk and felt like a loser because of how I spent my Saturday.

Vicks ZzzQuil Closeup

ZzzQuil was disappointing. It was also expensive and, frankly, there are better over-the-counter alternatives that do work. I never felt tired, rather all I felt was regret and disgust. ZzzQuil is a non-habit forming sleeping aid, but it doesn’t seem to work, which is, perhaps, why it’s non-habit forming.

Speaking of habits, I believe ZzzQuil has gotten me addicted to truTV’s lineup of colorful reality (or Actuality, as they brand it) shows and mashed potato sandwiches. The only effects this sleeping medication have had on me are embarrassment and self-loathing. I don’t condone the methods (except Night One) I’ve used, but I’m in need of some sleep and I think my throat is getting scratchy.

(Active Ingredients – 30 mL dose cup – 50 milligrams of dipenhydramine HCI. 10% alcohol. Inactive Ingredients – citric acid, ethanol, FD & C blue #1, FD & C red ##40, flavor, high fructose corn syrup, polyoxyl 40 stearate, propylene glycol, purified water, saccharine sodium, sodium benzoate, and sodium citrate dehydrate.)

Item: Vicks ZzzQuil
Purchased Price: $6.29
Size: 6 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Goes down easy. The name ZzzQuil is pretty awesome. Nice warming feeling in my belly. The color purple is nice. Wacky Packages. No groggy feeling in the morning. Watching Hardcore Pawn and Lizard Lick Towing.
Cons: The price. It is way too sweet. It was seldom effective. Learning about yourself may cause disappointment. Wasting an entire Saturday. Watching Hardcore Pawn and Lizard Lick Towing.