(Margaret stands alone, staring up at the dairy aisle. Her mom patters behind her, shopping for holiday groceries. Mom spots the yogurt product standing before her daughter, stops, leans in, and whispers)

MOM: “You sure you wanna do that?”

MARGARET: “No…but I will.”

And with that, I grabbed the box of four compartmentalized containers of congealed dairy product, swiped through the self-checkout, snapped into my car, and shot into the mid-day sky like Bruce Willis on a day when he feels he’s going to Die Hard, faced with nothing but the great destiny that lay ahead. A destiny shrouded in mystery, nuance and…applesauce.

(Cue a rapidly conducted orchestra of violins suited for an action film à la Hans Zimmer)

Applesauce.

Yogurt.

Two ingredients, both alike in dignity, and, despite the mind-boggling, candy-coated, granola-filled, extra-fruitinated conundrum that is the yogurt aisle these days, it was with this dignity in mind that I pursued this new thrust into the foray of yogurt varietals.

I noticed that the size of the cups was four ounces, which is but a wee little lass in comparison with the six-ounce containers I’m accustomed to. In fact, I almost didn’t go for it, but then I realized: dad-gum, it’s cute, and, like the big eyes of a beagle puppy, I could not resist. Could. Not. Resist.

I like vanilla yogurt. I have a secret affair with sugar cookies. I yearn for strawberries in January as Marcia Brady yearned for Davy Jones. Indeed, with so many qualities going for it, things were on the upside for this yogurt cup as I peeled back the aluminum covering to reveal…

Taupe.

A controversial color, indeed. It is the color of hotel lobbies and stale hospital waiting rooms. However, it is also the color of winter scarves and hamburger buns and those crummy kindergarten clay animal sculptures I tried to make (Was it a hippo? Was it a giraffe? We’ll never know…). This said, perhaps, taupe is a color of potential.

There it is, in all its taupe-like potential.

That kinda darker taupe swirl is the applesauce and, indeed, this tastes of applesauce. The applesauce itself had a little bit of a citrus somethin’ somethin’ with a hint of strawberry at the end, which is a nice little zing-pow-zam for you comic-book-sound-effects lovers. The texture of the applesauce blends well with the yogurt, maintaining a smooth consistency, although the vanilla, the sensitive flavor it is, seems to be lost in the midst of the apple.

Now, on to the cookies.

I’ll give it to you, YoCrunch: you give me lots of toppings. Over the years, you’ve nourished me with a scandalous mélange of edible “garnishes.” Like Oreos. And Reeses Pieces. And Oreos (wait…did I already say that?). And now, ye bringeth me these crumbly bits of a sugar cookie, which are good. Super good. Like makes-me-want-to-dance-the-whatoosie good (a miraculous and terrifying sight, indeed…). It would be great if you went into the cereal business and made this into a cereal. Could you do that for me, YoCrunch?

My love for these cookies was quashed by my own hand as I made the terrible mistake of stirring the cookies into the yogurt, resulting in a gloppy mess that tasted vaguely of cabinet shavings coated in strained milk product. Be warned, fellow eaters: do not mix your cookies in yogurt!

If you have a little pocket in your heart for the humble applesauce and desire to treat your cookies with respect (and I know you do), I recommend you pursue your yogurt cup using my newly developed 3-Step Cookie Pouring Technique (patent pending):

Step 1: After opening yogurt and stirring applesauce around, pour half the cookies on top.

Step 2: Without mixing the cookies, eat first half of the container.

Step 3: Now, pour the rest of the cookies on top of the bottom half of the yogurt and scoop-and-crunch away.

This will ensure you both cookie enjoyment and a non-mushy crunch with every vitamin-A-and-D-filled bite you take.

Despite their drab color and small size, these little cups offer a great deal to the world of apple yogurt. Indeed, they are the closest dairy product I’ve found to emulate an apple crumble in a factory-sealed plastic cup, and their size makes them easy to take anywhere, granting you the official right to enjoy one of these suckers whenever you like. It’s not quite dessert and not quite filling enough for a snack either, which makes it just right for any freakin’ time you want some smooth apple yogurt and cookies. A true embodiment of the philosophy that great things need not come in large packages.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup (with cookie topping) – 110 calories, 40 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott’s Strawberry Applesauce
Purchased Price: $2.58
Size: 1 box/4cups
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smooth texture. Delicious cookie crumbles. Vitamins A and D. Good ratio of applesauce to yogurt. A little strawberry zing. Comic book sound effects. Dancing the whatoosie. Kindergarten clay sculptures.
Cons: Small size. Vanilla flavor seems absent. Food that taste like soggy cabinet shavings. Taupe. Hospital waiting rooms. Too many Die Hard films.