Have my taste buds have been spoiled?

Monster Ultra Energy Drinks have been my go-to energy drink for years because they’re sweet, and despite being zero sugar beverages, they usually don’t taste like it. So after one sip of Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar French Vanilla, I found myself wondering, given all the sweetener advancements we’ve seen over the past few years, why am I tasting something so disappointing?

I’m no food scientist, and if my high school and college science grades are any indication, I don’t have a strong grasp of science period. But I did get a C- in a college logic class, so I feel I can say with some confidence that because there are great tasting zero sugar drinks, there should be a way to make tasty zero sugar coffee energy drinks without them tasting like I’m licking artificial sweetener packets at a diner.

Along with the French Vanilla, which has a flavor that tastes like I was drinking sugar free French Vanilla creamer straight from the bottle, there’s also a Dark Chocolate variety, and if I had to choose between the two, I’d go with the latter. Something about the cocoa makes the artificial sweetener taste, which comes from sucralose and inositol, a little more tolerable. But both have an aftertaste I can only describe as medicinal. There’s no mistaking these are zero sugar beverages, and I feel like more could’ve been done to hide that. But they’re milky and creamy, which is better than watery, but it would’ve helped if these were also delicious.

Also, as I’ve complained about before with Starbucks’ ready-to-drink coffee beverages, the can doesn’t say how much caffeine it has. So you don’t have to go digging, I scanned the PepsiCo website, which says these have 160 milligrams of caffeine, which is 25 more than most standard Starbucks Doubleshot Energy drinks.

While I’m throwing numbers around like a livestock auctioneer, let me throw out a few more. These are zero sugar but not zero calorie — the French Vanilla has 80 calories and the Dark Chocolate has 90. More surprisingly, both have 10 grams of protein, which the regular Starbucks Doubleshot line also has. So get yo’ gains. And they each have two grams of fiber. So get yo’ fiber gains too.

As someone who drinks a lot of zero sugar energy drinks, sodas, and sparkling waters, I’m disappointed with how these taste. Unlike my high school and college science grades, they’re not awful. But like my college logic class grade, they’re disappointing.

Purchased Price: $3.28 each
Size: 15 fl oz cans
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10 (French Vanilla), 5 out of 10 (Dark Chocolate)
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) French Vanilla – 80 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.Dark Chocolate – 90 calories 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.