REVIEW: Betty Crocker Oreo Brownie Mix

Betty Crocker could’ve been lazy with its new Oreo Brownie Mix and taken its regular fudge brownie mix, included Oreo wafer pieces, and then dusted off its brownie mix-coated hands to call it a day. But Ms. Crocker didn’t do that. Instead, it’s an Oreo-flavored brownie mix with an added packet of Oreo pieces, some of which have the iconic cookie’s creme filling. But I do wish the box came with whole cookies and a mallet for smashing them. Maybe Betty Crocker should look into that.

The brownies appear are darker than Betty Crocker’s regular fudge brownies, making me think of Oreo wafers and lava fields. It also makes me wonder if I burnt them. Fortunately, I did not. There were enough cookie pieces to sprinkle all over the brownie batter in the 11 x 7 baking pan I baked them in. If you’ve eaten brownies from a mix before, you’ll have an idea of how chewy these were. But the cookie pieces provided a nice crunch that nicely contrasts the chewiness, and it stamps your taste buds to let them know you’re eating an Oreo product. After I stuffed my face with a few brownie squares, I nibbled on just the brownie part, and it also reminded me of Oreo.

Remember Nabisco Oreo Brownies? Well, if you’re disappointed with the Oreolessness of those, this baking mix will make much better tasting Oreo brownies.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from General Mills. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 13.6 oz box
Purchased at: Received from General Mills
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/12 package – as prepared) 190 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar (including 17 grams of added sugar), and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Pillsbury Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix

Pillsbury Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix

Before we begin, let me say this: don’t Google “Pillsbury Doughgirl.”

I did so with the intention of cracking some joke about how the Pillsbury Doughboy shouldn’t be allowed on this box of Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix, but instead I learned three things:

  • Yes, there was a female “Poppie Fresh” mascot introduced in the ‘70s, but fans still weirdly debate whether she’s the Doughboy’s wife or sister.
  • It only takes creepy internet photographers two Google image search results to make these mascots’ relationship disturbingly erotic.
  • The Urban Dictionary definition of “Pillsbury Dough Girl” would make even George Carlin blush.

So excuse me as I unplug my computer and mourn the loss of my innocence by cramming an 8”x8” rectangle of baked chocolate mint goodness into my mouth.

Pillsbury Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix 2

The brownie mix itself is pale brown and floury: the kind of messy stuff you’ll inevitably end up wearing like a cocoa powder apron. It tastes like a pulverized Junior Mint mixed with beach sand.

The recipe is so easy a blob of anthropomorphized crescent roll dough could make it. It only requires water, oil, and an egg, so just raid your nearest public swimming pool, Jiffy Lube, and McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast to procure the necessary ingredients.

Pillsbury Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix 3

After the specified 50 strokes of a spoon, what’s left is a decadent and thick chocolate batter studded with little square chocolate chunks. I popped a solid chocolate square in my mouth, and it popped back with a rich, slightly bitter chocolate mint bite —- a lot like an Andes Mint.

With a perfect golden ratio of chocolate to mint, the batter tasted so good raw I didn’t want to bake it. But salmonella might’ve been what killed the Pillsbury Doughgirl, so I let it sit in the oven for 30 minutes while wondered — in a chocolate daze — whether that minty fresh brown batter is what courses through the Doughboy’s veins to keep him Poppin’ Fresh.

When I finally opened my oven, a gust of mint chocolate scented air smacked me like a water balloon filled with Shamrock Shakes. After my bubbling cocoa lava brownies cooled, I dug in with the voracity of a cartoon caveman.

Pillsbury Girl Scouts Thin Mints Brownie Mix 4

Yep, these taste exactly like Thin Mints. Like any sane human, I prefer my brownies gooey in the middle and crispy on the crust, and this helped recreate the “crisp cookie enrobed in creamy chocolate” textural contrast of the famous Girl Scout Cookie.

These Thin Mint Brownies lack a lot of the traditional vanilla-tinged, eggy fudge flavor of other brownies, mostly because the pleasant and pervasive buzz of peppermint usurps its place. The milk chocolate and sweetened cocoa brownie base, meanwhile, is still appropriately moist, and the formerly solid chocolate morsels provide welcome land mine bursts of magmatic, minty chocolate liqueur.

I can’t recommend these brownies to everyone, because loving mint is an obvious prerequisite. Girl Scout Cookie consumers tend to be loyal to a specific cookie, and because Thin Mints are tied for 3rd in my book — right behind Do-Si-Dos and my personal, peanut buttery Tagalong messiahs — I thought these brownies were just slightly above average.

On the other hand, those who can casually empty a roll of Thin Mints like it’s a peeled banana will give satisfied merit badges to these complexly chocolatized delights.

Wait, how half-baked and dumb do I have to be to think “chocolatized” is a real word? Did the Doughboy put another “special green” ingredient in these brownies?

(Nutrition Facts – 1/12 package, as prepared – 190 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8.5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 14.1 oz box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Authentic Thin Mint texture. Ooey-gooey-kablooey chocolate morsel explosions. Declaring “Tagalongology” as my official religion. Chocolatize me, Cap’n!
Cons: Fudge droughts. A criminal lack of Do-Si-Do brownies. Feeling half-baked after eating half-baked brownies. The number of red squiggles spellcheck gave this review.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis

Hi, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to learn about sharing. Can you say sharing?

Good job!

Have you ever heard the saying, “Sharing is caring?” Well it’s true, when you share it shows you care. Sharing is fun and cool. Not sharing is bad and evil. Do you know what we call people who don’t share? Take a guess. Poopie pants? No. Meanies? No. People who don’t share are called, “assholes.” Can you say, “asshole?”

Very good!

Here in front of me I have a package of the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, that come with two 1.23-ounce bowls. They’re much smaller than the regular Betty Crocker Warm Delights.

Now boys and girls, because I have two bowls, can I share it with someone? Yes, I can share it with someone. Who should I share it with? It should be someone who deserves or needs it. A friend? Yes. A family member? Yes. An Olsen twin? Definitely. An entire Ethiopian village? Possibly. Women who walk out of Curves? Most definitely.

Now boys and girls, if you were to give a bowl of Better Crocker Warm Delights Minis to a woman who walked out of Curves after a workout, it wouldn’t affect her too much. It has only 150 calories per bowl, but don’t tell her that, because it’s more fun that way. Let the guilt spread and if they feel bad about it, they can conveniently turn around and walk back into Curves to burn it off.

It’s not evil, boys and girls. It would be evil if you gave her both bowls or if you gave her a bowl of each Warm Delights Minis flavor: Chocolate Raspberry Decadence, Molten Chocolate Cake, and Molten Caramel Cake. The important thing is that you shared it with her, and in return she’ll probably share something with you, like a dirty look or a peek at her leopard leotard covered body. Can you say “tacky?”

Great job!

A bowl of Warm Delights Minis is so easy to make that you could do it yourself without parental guidance, and if you understand measurements. Just empty the cake mix into the bowl and mix well with one tablespoon water plus one teaspoon water. Squeeze the topping pouch ten times, cut off corner of pouch, and squeeze four to six lines of the topping over the batter. Microwave uncovered on high for thirty seconds. Let stand for two minutes.

Now boys and girls, you know how the school bully uses their bad body odor and fat ass to overpower you for your lunch money? It’s sort of like how the raspberry topping for Chocolate Raspberry Decadence overpowers the chocolate cake, making it overly tart and a little too sweet. The chocolate topping with the Molten Chocolate Cake is like the shy kid in the back of the room who doesn’t like to stand out and is an average student. It didn’t really make the chocolatey cake any more chocolatey. As for the Molten Caramel Cake, it’s like a B-grade student, because they’re both good and have the potential to be really good, but for some reason they fall short. The cake in all three of them is light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Not bad for something made out of cake mix and a little water.

So remember boys and girls, sharing is caring, and if someone doesn’t want to share, you should call them an “asshole.” If they still won’t share, punch them in the face and say to them, “I just shared my fist with you.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl (varies per flavor) – 150 calories, 3.5 to 4.5 grams of fat, 1 to 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, zero grams of cholesterol, 160 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 25 to 26 grams of carbs, one gram of fiber, 15 to 17 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, very little calcium, very little iron, and 50 grams of sharing.)

Item: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to make. Molten Caramel Cake was the best. 150 calories per bowl. Cake was light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Feeding dessert to women who walk out of Curves. Mini bowls cover my A cup titties well.
Cons: Raspberry topping overpowered the chocolate cake. Chocolate topping didn’t seem to add anything to the cake. Trans fat. Those who wear leopard leotards.

Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies

I have never really been a fan of frosted cakes. Sure, it’s been force fed to me my entire life, but I’ve never really been gripped by its supposedly tasty talons. It’s always been boring and nauseatingly sweet, leaving me with a plate full of uneaten frosting. The only time I plan on enjoying cake is when a stripper pops out of a giant one at a bachelor party. This is why Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Fudge Brownies seemed like it would be a great buy as I combed through the cake aisle.

Brownies are basically cakes for badasses. They are dense, satisfying, and don’t need fifteen pounds of frosting to taste good. Please note the lack of rainbow-colored pastels and shaved coconut. Indeed, these brownies do not fuck around. They are a perfect vessel for real goodies like ice cream and chopped walnuts. When you think about it, why would anyone prefer a plain cake? Would anyone care about the birthday cake if it wasn’t an empty palette that candles fit perfectly on? I would heavily campaign for the “Birthday Brownie,” but I’m afraid it would sound like I was promoting some deviant sexual act.

It comes as no surprise that the good folks at General Mills took the opportunity to pimp out Betty Crocker and have her hock these brownies. If you didn’t already know, Betty Crocker is a fictional character invented in the 1920’s so that housewives would learn their roles and get in the kitchen. I wish I was kidding. The actress portraying her would dispense valuable baking and homemaking advice for the captive audience. In reality, Betty Crocker is just as real as the Chupacabra, Batman, and your favorite porn star’s boobs.

Fake or not, Betty does a pretty good job of preparing a delicious brownie mix. Is it an “ultimate” one? Well, it comes reasonably close. Since little things tend to bother me far more than they ever should, the fact that they even call it “ultimate” is a bit annoying. The flavor of chocolate can never just be “chocolate” any more. No, it has be “double fudge,” “chocoholic,” and even the curiously named “fudge pack” that I’ve steered clear of. Betty Crocker takes this to a new extreme, as the Ultimate Fudge Brownies utilize the cocoa bean in every form imaginable to create the desired effect.

Not only is the brownie mix itself already infused with cocoa powder, but a bag of mini chocolate chips is included in the box. Once all of the ingredients are thoroughly mixed together, an included packet of Hershey’s syrup is squeezed in for good measure. This is because Betty decided that the brownies really needed the extra sugar. It doesn’t say it on the box, but if you have any leftover fondue from last week’s dinner party, they want you to mix that in too.

Despite my complaining about the convoluted preparation, they do come out hot and tasty from the oven. They are very rich and melt in your mouth, as all good chocolate products should. There is a nice hint of molasses flavor which keeps the brownies from being too sweet. With a sippy-cup full of milk, I can mow through quite a few brownies in one sitting. Be careful, though, all of the molten chocolate syrup and chips will almost certainly burn you horrendously if you decide to eat it too soon. I doubt Betty Crocker’s advice would be able to help you then.

Item: Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Brownies are delectable and hot. Miniature packets of syrup and chocolate chips are fun. Strippers that come out of giant cakes. Competent and efficient housewives.
Cons: Amount of chocolate makes you question if eating is worth almost-certain diabetes. Plain cake sucks. Betty Crocker isn’t a real person.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights

A couple of months ago, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer asked if I could review the Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. About a month later, I picked up a package, but did so with a lot of trepidation.

When I picked it up, it was about the same time that Impulsive Buy reader Ultimate Best Vamp Ever sent me an email asking me to review the Warm Delights. I told her I would, but didn’t tell her about my dark, deep secret, which prevented me from actually trying the Warm Delights.

Finally, this week, Impulsive Buy reader Jamie also asked me if I could review the Betty Crocker Warm Delights. With this many people asking for a review of the Warm Delights, I’ve decided to overcome my fears and let you know about one of my dark, deep secrets.

I trim my pubic hairs…

Oh wait, that was the wrong dark, deep secret.

Um…the actual dark, deep secret I wanted to tell is that I REALLY suck at baking.

Much like Trivial Pursuit, Connect Four, expressing myself emotionally with women, double dutch, shuffleboard, getting girlfriends to not break up with me using pathetic amounts of begging, and getting change back after sticking a twenty dollar bill under a stripper’s thong, baking is something I’m not very successful at…especially brownies.

I’m not talking about baking brownies from scratch, because I wouldn’t even dream of attempting that. I’m talking about from the easy-to-make brownie mix box. I have attempted to make brownies twice in my life and both times I failed miserably.

The first time I made brownies was in college, while playing Crash Bandicoot on the original Playstation. I added all the ingredients, except two eggs, which I kept out to make a “healthy” brownie.

About 30 minutes later, when I had to stick a toothpick into the brownies to see if they were done, the brownies broke the toothpick because the surface of the brownies was as hard as the pan they were in. It was so hard, I could’ve probably used it if I was in a tag-team wrestling match and wanted to knock out my opponent when the referee wasn’t looking.

The second time I made brownies, I added a little too much liquid and ended up with something that was less like brownies and more like chocolate cake.

So for years, I’ve stayed away from baking brownies, because I’d like the number of failed brownie baking attempts to be significantly less than the number of David Blaine “magic” television specials.

So it was with a lot of caution that I attempted to “bake” the single-serving Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. On the packaging there were several “easy” steps, but not so easy for someone who not only sucks at baking brownies and pleading with women not to leave him, but also sucks at unit conversion.

After adding the brownie mix to the provided bowl, the instructions say to just add one tablespoon of water plus one teaspoon of water. Unfortunately, I only had a tablespoon spoon and I didn’t know which unit of measurement was larger. However, this problem was quickly solved thanks to our future overlords, Google.

So after mixing the water and brownie mix, the whole thing went into the microwave for 45 seconds. Yes, only 45 seconds. Enough time to get milk from the fridge, but not enough time to get milk from a cow.

When I pulled it out of the microwave, I had a decent-sized brownie that was about four inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick. It definitely had more substance than Nicole Richie.

Included with the Warm Delights kit was a pack of fudge topping, which I drizzled on top (see picture above). I was surprised by how much topping there was to put on top of the brownie. It was enough to make people say, “Would you like some brownie with that fudge topping?”

After letting it sit for a while, I dug into it with a fork. Fortunately, the fork didn’t bend. With it still being a little warm, the brownie was a little bit on the cake-y side. So since I prefer my brownies to be chewy, I ate half of it and stuck the rest in the fridge, which really didn’t do much.

Overall, it was surprisingly good. The fudge topping added a lot of flavor to it, but if you’d like to make it a little better, you might want to think about adding some ice cream on it, chocolate chips in it, or going to your friend’s place that always smells like incense and getting some “special” ingredients to put in it that they grow hydroponically in their closet.

Item: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty with the fudge topping. Lots of fudge topping. Takes less than five minutes to make. Convenient. Microwaveable. More substance than Nicole Richie. Trimmed pubic hair.
Cons: A little too cake-y for me. My abilities to make brownies from a boxed mix. David Blaine. My ability to express myself emotionally with women. My unit conversion skills.