REVIEW: Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

Every fall I can count on two things: 1) Nick Saban and Alabama will absolutely obliterate every football team in the SEC. 2) Pumpkin spice food products will be thrusted in my face at every grocery store, restaurant, and fast food sandwich shop in America.

Yes, sandwich shop. Thanks to the ubiquitous up-sell of the 60-cent Subway cookie, the most popular flavor of the fall can help you forgot how mediocre your lunch was.

I like to think of pumpkin spice as the flavor version of Alabama’s football dynasty. The hype is everywhere and, for the most part, the hype is deserved. Sure, the Crimson Tide might trip up once a year, just like how we’ll get a dud like Pumpkin Spice M&M’s every once in awhile, but for the most part, pumpkin spice is unstoppable.

In a lot of ways, the rise of pumpkin spice has correlated with the decline of apple pie, autumn’s previously unstoppable flavor, that’s also a new Subway cookie flavor. You might think of apple pie as the Miami of flavors: Once a shoo-in to compete for a national title, but it’s now a run-of-the-mill ACC middleweight that loses to a depleted Notre Dame team.

It’s pretty much the same when it comes to Subway’s cookies.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 2

Like Alabama’s balanced offense and stifling defense, the Subway Pumpkin Spice Cookie was seemingly flawless. Textually, the edges were crunchy and the interior was chewy with strong notes of ginger and molasses dominating each bite. The cookie tasted like a ginger snap on steroids. The white confectionery chips added vanilla-flavored bursts of sweetness throughout the cookie, while the sweet taste of cinnamon lingered on my tongue even after I finished the cookie. If there’s one downside it’s that the cookie tastes more like a chewy ginger snap than a pumpkin cookie.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 3

The Apple Pie Cookie is not nearly as good as the pumpkin spice one. If we’re talking football, it loses by at least three touchdowns. The Apple Pie Cookie was much sweeter and, like Miami Hurricanes football during the early 2000s, it’s a sexy cookie on the outside. How can it not be with “naturally sweetened” apple chunks baked right into the dough? Yet like the Hurricanes dynasty coming undone, it’s got too many bells and whistles to work. The taste of clove and nutmeg is far too floral, while the sweetened apple chunks taste like someone freeze-dried applesauce. The texture of the chunks is off-putting and hyper sweet, and the entire cookie doesn’t really taste like pie.

Is pumpkin spice’s dominance over the seasonal flavor world annoying? Maybe, but like Alabama’s continued destruction of college football parity, it’s pretty incredible. Subway’s Pumpkin Spice Cookie only adds to that legacy, and is far and away a better end to a mediocre sub than the Apple Pie cookie.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available.)

Purchased Price: 60 cents (each)
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Pumpkin Spice)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Apple Pie)
Pros: Pumpkin spice cookie has a wonderfully complex texture that’s crunchy on the edges and chewy in the center. Deep, warm sweetness of molasses mixed with ginger, butter, and vanilla.
Cons: Pumpkin Spice cookie lacks deep pumpkin flavor. Cream Cheese chunks would have been better than “confectionery chips”. Apple Spice cookies tastes like what I’d imagine an apple pie air freshener to taste like. Unnatural tasting natural apple chunks.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Brunchfast Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich

Jack in the Box Brunchfast Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich

It’s okay to admit Jack in the Box’s Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich looks tasty in the photo above. I won’t tell anyone. Okay, the cheese looks a bit plasticky, but so do the faces of many celebrities, but we still love them…Tom Cruise.

The sandwich features crispy all-white meat chicken topped with a fried egg, American cheese, hickory smoked bacon, and bacon mayo on a toasted English muffin. It’s part of Jack’s new Brunchfast menu that sounds like it’s available during a small window during the day, but is actually available all day.

While it looks good in the photo, I have to admit the sandwich doesn’t taste as good. My main issue with it is that it tasted too much like other chicken sandwiches I’ve had from Jack in the Box. The “breakfast” parts of the sandwich didn’t make it taste breakfast-y.

The fried egg added nothing to the flavor. It was pretty much the lettuce of the sandwich. The only way you’d know it’s there is if you had eyes to look at the sandwich or had eyes to see the milligrams of cholesterol it has by looking at its nutrition facts on Jack in the Box’s website. I thought the yolk would’ve made a difference, but it just blended in with the rest of the egg’s blandness. If the yolk was runny, then it might’ve added something, but that’s never going to happen due to food health concerns.

But the English muffin was worse. It had a spongy texture that’s more like a stale bun than what folks in London call a muffin. I don’t know if the FDA has rules regarding English muffins, but if I were to write them, I’d make sure that this wouldn’t be considered one.

Jack in the Box Brunchfast Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich 2

The hickory smoked bacon was fine. I’ve had it many times before. It added a nice smoky and chewy element to the sandwich. But the winner of Best Bacon Ingredient on the Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich goes to the bacon mayonnaise. It’s creamy and had a bacon flavor that was tastier than the actual bacon included. The breaded chicken had crispy edges, but was dry inside (not surprising). And the cheese kept the bacon from falling out and looked like something made by Fisher Price, but did nothing beyond that.

The Bacon & Egg Chicken Sandwich was not horrible, but there wasn’t anything about it that would make me want to get another, even the bacon mayo. Heck, I didn’t even feel like finishing it in one sitting. I ate half for Brunchfast and the other half for Linner.

(Nutrition Facts – 649 calories, 351 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 301 milligrams of cholesterol, 1629 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 37 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: N/A
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Bacon mayo was nice. Chicken was crispy on the edges. Available all day. Tom Cruise action movies. Cheese is the seat belt that’ll make sure the bacon never falls out.
Cons: Fried egg was the sandwich’s lettuce. Dry chicken. Tastes like other chicken sandwiches. “Breakfast” ingredients didn’t make it taste breakfast-y. Tom Cruise looking younger than most of us.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Homestyle Potatoes

Jack in the Box Homestyle Potatoes

French fries.

Seasoned curly fries.

Hash browns.

I guess we should include Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges.

And now Homestyle Potatoes.

That, my friends, is the list potato sides you can get at a Jack in the Box. If you’re a potatophile, this list should give you a carb-on. Although, if Wendy’s can have a baked potato, why can’t Jack in the Box? Come on, Jack! Get on that!

The chain’s Homestyle Potatoes are part of their new Brunchfast menu and they feature diced potatoes mixed with bell peppers and onions. The side comes in one serving size and it’s almost the same as a large fries.

I’ve gotten my money’s worth at several brunch buffets in my lifetime and almost all of them had roasted potatoes that looked like these. Some were just potatoes while other included peppers and onions.

The flavor of Jack’s Homestyle Potatoes do remind me of the roasted potatoes I’d form mounds of on my plate at a brunch buffet. Well, to be more exact, they’re like the potatoes I’d get from a brunch buffet that have been sitting in the Sterno-heated tray for too long, but I took them because I didn’t want to wait for a fresh tray.

Jack in the Box Homestyle Potatoes 2

The potatoes appeared to be seasoned with some herbs (although I couldn’t taste them), had a soft texture, and some of the potato skins had slightly crispy edges. The veggies, which there were not a lot of, were somewhat crisp. While I enjoyed the Homestyle Potatoes with my Brunchfast, a part of me wished I had hash browns. There’s something about that golden brown, crispy, greasy brick of potatoes, that appeals to me more.

Like all of Jack in the Box’s menu, the Homestyle Potatoes are available all day. So you can order them for Lunner, Dinnfast, Snacner, or whatever meal portmanteau tickles your fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 259 calories, 106 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 489 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.39*
Size: N/A
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Another potato side at Jack in the Box. Tastes like brunch buffet potatoes. Some vegetables. Some potatoes has crispy skin on the edges. Available all day.
Cons: I think I’d rather have hash browns. Tastes like brunch buffet potatoes that have been sitting out for a while. Couldn’t taste herbs. Not a lot of veggies. No Jack in the Box baked potato, yet. Making portmanteaus with a portmanteau.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Arby’s Smoke Mountain Sandwich

Arby’s Smoke Mountain Sandwich

Smoke Mountain? Really?

I have to question Arby’s name choice for their mammoth new Frankenmeat sandwich. To me, “Smoke Mountain” sounds like an ‘90s RPG level. Or a rundown laser tag arena that’s gotten progressively seedier since the ‘90s. Or a ‘90s punk band that broke up when the drummer’s dad kicked them out of the garage.

Maybe “Meat Everest” would’ve been a better name, since this the tallest stack of meat I’ve ever held between two buns. Plus I’ve always wanted my lunch to conjure up mental images of Sherpas scaling skyscraping mounds of salted protein.

But I guess “Smoke Mountain” isn’t all bad. It also sounds like the name of a late ‘90s reality show, and this sandwich features all three of Arby’s smoked meats—turkey, brisket, and their freshly debuted pork belly—living together under one bun, Real Housewives-style. Plus it did instantly make my car smell like a smokehouse, so much so that I half-expected a pot-bellied butcher to appear in my back seat and call me “Lloyd” in a Brooklyn accent.

I carefully handled my Smoke Mountain like a quiet mountaineer, trying to prevent an avalanche that would spill three kinds of animal onto my carpet. I bisected my beastly ‘wich—which was roughly the size of a baby Mayor McCheese’s head—for a better look (and taste). Slicing through it felt downright surgical.

Arby’s Smoke Mountain Sandwich 2

The durable star-cut bun does a good job of holding its meaty tenants, and even though its chewy, densely floured innards don’t taste like much, the bun never turns to meat juice-soaked mush. The crimson barbeque sauce pocket slathered on the bun provides a welcome layer of peppery tang. It’s zippy, yet not offensive or spicy, like a grown-up Sweet Baby Ray’s.

Arby’s should bottle this sauce and call it “Angsty Teen Ray’s.”

As the world’s second biggest fan of onions (the first is Shrek), I loved the onion strings that bathe in the Smoke Mountain’s barbeque sauce. They’re oily and crisp, yet compellingly lengthy. The kid inside me wanted to slurp them up like onion ring-flavored spaghetti. These noodles lay on a bed of gummy, flavorless cheddar cheese that only gives the Smoke Mountain structural support.

Now that we’re past the window dressing, we can talk meats. The turkey is the most boring. It’s got a bit of Cajun zest that dances around its edges, but other than that, this bird just feels like filler.

The brisket is more complex. It tastes like barrel-aged roast beef, with woodsy notes and the smokiest aftertaste of any ingredient here. If this meaty ménage à trois were a sitcom instead of a reality show, the beef brisket would be its Ron Swanson.

The pork belly is the undeniable best of the bunch, as the diced bits are super juicy and savory, with an indulgent touch of fattiness. Each juice-oozing pig nugget tastes like the salty lovechild of a bacon slice and a BBQ spare rib. And given the size of every piece, the pork belly these oinker wedges came from must’ve been chunkier than my backseat butcher’s.

Arby’s Smoke Mountain Sandwich 3

But even though each part of the Smoke Mountain has its own flavorful intricacies, most people who buy a sandwich called “Smoke Mountain” aren’t gonna stop to smell the Cajun-zested roses. When this sandwich is eaten at once, only the pork belly and onions prevail, with a lingering barbeque sauce aftertaste. I enjoyed the sandwich, but you’re probably better off just buying Arby’s Smokehouse Pork Belly Sandwich.

Unless, of course, you planned on making an “I Climbed Arby’s Smoke Mountain” novelty t-shirt.

(Nutrition Facts – 800 calories, 46 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1910 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 49 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Using “fatty pig nuggets” as a sincere compliment. Brisket that tastes aged enough to be my father. Onion ramen. Humming the Price is Right cliffhanger music while I eat.
Cons: A pork belly that swallows up every other flavor. Cheese with the texture of a Fruit Roll-Up. A bun and turkey with as much personality as action movie henchmen. Giving birth to a burger-headed baby.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza

Pizza Hut Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza

Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust Pizza was a mind-blowing idea when it first came out. Pizza fanatics rejoiced. Nutritionists cried. Dairy farmers pumped their fists and shouted, “Ka-ching!” And dairy cows yelled, “Moo!”

I was super excited about it. But after eating a slice I realized the problem with the Stuffed Crust Pizza was the fact the cheese inside wasn’t different than what’s on the pizza. So if you were to take a bite of it with the pizza, it would pretty much taste like a normal pizza with a double dose of mozzarella cheese.

But Pizza Hut is doing something different with their new Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza. There’s a little mozzarella in there, but the big cheese is, um, cheddar.

Yeah, I don’t know what uppity artisan sandwich shop the folks who work at Pizza Hut’s test kitchen eat at for fancy grilled cheese sandwiches, but for us regular folks, our grilled cheese sandwiches have good ol’ U.S. of American cheese that’s as American as the idea of a grilled cheese stuffed crust pizza. So why doesn’t the orange goo contain it?

Pizza Hut Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza 2

The crust is also topped with butter and breadcrumbs. Not a sprinkling of breadcrumbs, but enough to make some slices look like they’re connected to a chicken cutlet. They also provide a satisfying crunch that the actual crust does not.

Pizza Hut Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza 3

The ends were quite flat. I don’t know if my pizza was made the right way, but it looks like a bean bag chair that lost a war between it and the butts of an entire football team’s offensive and defensive lines. I thought there wouldn’t be a lot of cheese in it, but as I pulled a slice away, a crown of orange goo peaked out from the crust.

The flavor combination of cheese, butter, crust, and breadcrumbs, doesn’t remind me of a grilled cheese sandwich, but then again, my grilled cheese sandwiches don’t use cheddar or mozzarella. But with the added garlic in the butter, it tastes more like cheesy garlic bread than a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s not a bad thing. I liked its flavor even though it was not what I was expecting. Maybe cheesy garlic bread is what grilled cheese sandwiches at uppity artisan sandwich shops taste like.

While I enjoyed the crust, I thought combining bites of it with the pizza were odd. Not gross, just different because of the cheddar. The pizza itself was typical Pizza Hut fare, so I won’t go into any further detail about that.

The whole point of Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust Pizza is to encourage us to eat the crust, and I think it was successful with this pizza. The crust was saltier than the pizza itself and I wish it came with a container of tomato soup as a dip, but I have to say this is the first time I felt like eating the end crust and throwing away the pizza, instead of eating the pizza and throwing away the end crust.

Purchased Price: $17.99*
Size: Large pizza
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 400 calories, 20 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 860 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 18 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did. These are being advertised for $12.99 for a one topping large pizza at participating locations.