REVIEW: McDonald’s Ranch Snack Wrap

Are your young, hyperactive, and easily-influenced children singing shouting the lyrics to Wiggles songs over and over again like they were drunk at a kiddie karaoke bar?

Is the fellow movie patron sitting behind you with their feet constantly kicking the back of your chair yelling things at the screen, like “Don’t open that door!” or “Run, bitch! Run!”?

Is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed television or radio political pundit attacking you for either your insane conservative beliefs or demented liberal views?

Are you in the same room as Star Jones and she’s looking at you like you’re a juicy, meaty hamburger she’d want to sink her teeth into?

If any of these things are happening to you, I’d suggest you stick a new McDonald’s Snack Wrap in their mouth. Not only will it shut them up for about two minutes, or in Star Jones’ case prevent her from eating you, they’ll also be enjoying a gosh darn tasty snack.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap consists simply of crispy chicken, cheddar jack cheese, lettuce and ranch sauce wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. The ranch sauce made it pretty tasty and the chicken was surprisingly crispy.

Its cylindrical shape is perfect for stuffing into the mouths of those who won’t shut up. Or it can be used by Britney Spears as Sean Preston’s pacifier when she can’t find her usual pacifier for him…A Taco Bell soft taco.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap is kind of small, but I think it’s just as filling as a double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu. Also, at $1.29, it’s inexpensive and I expect a lot of five dollar hookers will take advantage of that cheap price.

Sure, the five dollar hookers could get the cheaper double cheeseburger, but I’m sure they’re tired of having meat in their mouths and would like to have something different.

Being inexpensive can also make up for its lack of size. Obviously, if the McDonald’s Snack Wrap was bigger, it would be awesometastic and be able to shut someone up for a longer amount of time.

However, because it’s so cheap, buying two of them would double the amount of time I could keep Anna Nicole Smith from talking, because no good can come from anything that comes out of her mouth.

So if you buy one McDonald’s Snack Wrap, consider it a snack. Buy two or three, then it’s a meal. Buy four or five, it’s a meal for two. Buy one billion and it’s time to buy some McDonald’s stock.

Item: McDonald’s Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. It’s gosh darn tasty, thanks to the ranch dressing. Great way to shut someone up for about two minutes. Chicken was actually crispy. Great for five dollar hookers who are tired of having meat in their mouths.
Cons: Kind of small, but what do you expect for $1.29. The Wiggles. People yelling at the screen during a movie. Insane political pundits. A hungry Star Jones.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme

You just don’t mess with a classic, like Metallica’s The Black Album, Kevin Smith’s low-budget film Clerks, Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, or Taco Bell’s original Crunchwrap Supreme.

Unfortunately, Taco Bell did mess with the classic Crunchwrap Supreme and created the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme, which contains spicy shredded chicken, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes, a tostada shell, and nacho cheese sauce all wrapped up in a grilled flour tortilla.

It sounds good, but in reality it’s like if George Lucas did the following things to the original Star Wars trilogy:

1. Had a hairless Chewbacca that mooed
2. Lando Calrissian always had a Colt 45 in his hand
3. Princess Leia’s gold bikini in Return of the Jedi was instead a gold Victorian dress
4. Made Greedo shoot first at Han Solo in the cantina scene

In other words, the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme just wasn’t right and doesn’t come close to being as good as the original.

It’s like Taco Bell took Metallica’s The Black Album cut off all of its long hair, turned the devil horns hand sign into the letter “I” in sign language, and added a cover of Reel Big Fish’s cover of a-ha’s Take On Me as a bonus track.

Basically, the only thing different between the original Crunchwrap Supreme and the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme is the instead of ground beef, it’s got the shredded spicy chicken. But unfortunately, that seemingly minor tweak turned out to be something as dramatic as replacing the picture of normal, jheri curl, plastic surgery-less Michael Jackson on the cover of his Thriller album with a picture of a scary, pale, nostril-less women, like Michael Jackson.

If the shredded spicy chicken was actually spicy, it might’ve been much better. Sure, adding Taco Bell’s Fire sauce would’ve turned up the heat, but doing so wouldn’t have made it — as Taco Bell likes to say — good to go, because it’s hard to put taco sauce on something while driving, playing World of Warcraft, or playing air guitar to Metallica’s album Master of Puppets.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Brie for suggesting the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays warm in thermal pouch thingy, instead of heat-escaping box. 4 grams of farty dietary fiber. 18 grams of muscle building protein. The Black Album and any Metallica albums before it.
Cons: Not as good as original Crunchwrap Supreme. Not very spicy. The music at the Taco Bell website. 3.5 grams of trans fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. Any Metallica album after The Black Album.

REVIEW: Burger King Quad Stacker

Burger King Quad Stacker

One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don’t know how I’m going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I’d like to share it with all of you.

I’d like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I’m honored to be here at some high school that I didn’t attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I’m here to talk to you about goals. It’s something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn’t really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America’s Got Talent. Sure you also could’ve said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you’re older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn’t as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn’t as glamorous as what was shown on your friend’s videotape, which he stole from his dad’s hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I’m speaking in front of you today, I’m here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don’t feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so…Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you’ll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn’t think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do the voices in your head say?” to look inside peoples’ heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I’d suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I’ve had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I’ve also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn’t say “no” to me, but I wasn’t successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I’ve also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker’s four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn’t matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there’s really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it’s not the taste that really matters, it’s the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I’ve made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don’t look back and think “What if?”

Thank you.

Item: Burger King Quad Stacker
Price: $4.49 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
Cons: A tall sandwich, but not wide. It’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but that’s okay and I’m content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.


Over the past few months, I’ve heard about the BK Veggie, but I’ve never seen one.

Every time I stepped into a Burger King, I would scan the bright yellow menu board looking for that elusive meatless sandwich, but just like the humor of Everyone Loves Raymond, I couldn’t see it.

I had a theory to the reason why I couldn’t find the BK Veggie. Perhaps being considered the black sheep of the menu kept it off, since it didn’t seem to provide the flame-broiled or deep-fried goodness that people expect when dining with The King.

I also thought it was sold only at participating restaurants, making the BK Veggie sort of an endangered species, like the Humpback Whale, Sea Otter, Komodo Dragon, and cassette tapes.

Eventually, I considered the BK Veggie a myth, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Grafenberg spot, the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, and Dr. Phil’s doctorate.

However, a few weeks ago my boss told me about her encounter with the BK Veggie.

“THE BK Veggie!!!” I said excitingly, like I was a spoiled, little 10-year-old boy getting a $300 iPod from his parents because it was the only way for them to shut him up about how everyone at school has an iPod except him, how he’s so uncool, and how he’ll probably die a virgin.

I had to clean my ears with Kenny G to make sure I heard her right. After she repeated herself, I couldn’t believe her, because during those months of searching for the BK Veggie, I taught myself to believe that it didn’t exist, like Santa Claus, true love, a beer that’s less filling and tastes great, and the duckbilled platypus.

Since she knew I had to see it to believe it, we went on a safari in her SUV to catch a glimpse of the elusive BK Veggie. We didn’t drive far before seeing possible signs of the meatless burger, like it being listed on the drive-thru menu for $2.99.

Fortunately, we were able to capture two of the BK Veggies. I thought we were going to just tag them and let them go back into the wild, but my boss said they were tasty. At the time, I was horrified by her comment, because I thought the BK Veggies were an endangered species. However, my boss ensured me that they weren’t, so I dug in.

I unwrapped the paper blanket that it was in and saw that it looked very much like its meat counterparts. It consisted of the typical sesame seed bun, green/white chopped lettuce, a tomato slice, mayonnaise, ketchup, and a Morningstar veggie patty.

After taking a bite of it, I began to understand why the BK Veggie wasn’t an endangered species. It wasn’t very good. Its taste was like the needles around a porcupine, keeping predators away. The combination of the Morningstar veggie patty, ketchup, and mayonnaise seemed to be much like the stinky spray that comes out of a skunk, preventing those higher on the food chain from attacking the BK Veggie.

I think another reason why the BK Veggie isn’t an endangered species is because it’s slimmer than other burgers, perhaps making it more agile, quick, and less filling. With 420 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of dietary fiber, and 23 grams of protein, it’s somewhat healthier than the more common and easier to catch Whopper.

Item: BK Veggie
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Veggie patty for veggie lovers. High in dietary fiber and protein. Low saturated fat. It’s not an endangered species. Komodo Dragons.
Cons: A little pricey for the size of it. Just like Britney and K-Fed, ketchup and mayonnaise don’t make a good couple with this sandwich. More sodium than a Whopper. My excessive use of lists in this review. Watching, listening, or being around Dr. Phil. Dying a virgin.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Asian Salad

McDonald's Asian Salad

Why are Asian salads so attracted to Caucasian men?

You know, I’m all for interracial eating, but Caucasian men are eating all of the Asian salads and I’m afraid that there won’t be any Asian salad for us Asian guys.

Sure I would totally go for a hot Jewish salad from New York or a Greek salad goddess, but there’s something about Asian salads that stand out, like this McDonald’s Asian Salad.

I don’t know if it’s the juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; perky soybeans; long, sexy snow peas; warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; fiery red bell peppers; glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing; or the small, lickable toasted almonds, but something about it makes me want to instantly go down to its bowl and eat it.

So how do I eat it?

First, I’d bite into those juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; then suck on those perky soybean; spread open those long, sexy snow peas; then stroke its warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; rub the glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing all over; and then lightly nibble on the toasted almonds.

I know how to treat Asian salads right. Just ask the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad. Although we didn’t last and I haven’t eaten it in awhile, it would probably say that it enjoyed the time we spent together and any salad would be lucky to have me eat them. Also, it would probably say that I was great at going down on it and not making a big mess or not using the side of the bowl to wipe my mouth.

Some of the things I would do to make an Asian salad feel special is throw away those cheap plastic utensils that come with it and replace them with the finest salad fork stolen from some expensive, fancy restaurant.

Then I would replace the extremely cheap black salad bowl it came in with an old, expensive China bowl that has been passed down by several generations. At least that’s what the shopkeeper in Chinatown told me before I bought them. But I know for sure they were authentic Asian bowls because on the bottom of the bowls it says, “Made in China.”

See I would totally treat the McDonald’s Asian Salad or any other Asian salad right.

Now some of you might be wondering if all of this effort is worth it for this salad. Well let me tell you that it is worth it because it’s very good thanks to the tasty, glistening low-fat sesame ginger dressing from Paul Newman, which makes me thankful that Paul Newman’s salad dressing career is as successful as his movie career and not like the movie career of Pound Nudeman, worst gay porn actor EVER.

It’s also worth all of this effort because it’s got a slim one gram of saturated fat and 290 calories, but still has a hearty 31 grams of protein and 6 grams of fiber, because I like salads with a little booty. Sure, it’s a little salty, but when I look at those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges they totally make up for it.

Plus, I think one McDonald’s Asian Salad is enough to be a meal for almost everyone, especially Asian guys. But there are some guys out there who are able to have two Asian salads at one time. Those guys are lucky.

I hate those guys.

Item: McDonald’s Asian Salad
Price: $5.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty, low-fat dressing. Hearty salad. Nice mixture of tastes and textures. One gram of saturated fat. Only 290 calories. 31 grams of protein. 6 grams of fiber. Those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Asian salad being attracted to Caucasian men. Nude Poundman’s gay porn acting career. Guys who get to have two Asian salads at one time.