REVIEW: Jello Play Monster Slime and Unicorn Slime

Jello Play Monster Slime and Unicorn Slime

I remember slime back in the ’90s when every kid’s dream was to be covered in it on national television or when you had it at home and it was called GAK.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that slime has made a comeback in a big way. So big it’s even jumping to entirely different parts of the store. Forget the toy aisle and please welcome slime to the food aisle! It’s 100 percent edible and from Jello Play the makers of, well, Jello.

There are two versions available. There is the Monster version that is neon green and lime flavored. And, Jello managed to loop in another trend with a unicorn version that is bright pink and strawberry flavored.

Jello Play Monster Slime and Unicorn Slime 2

The super fine powders are white with just the slightest tinge of green and pink and have a noticeable smell of their associated flavor. However, as the canister alludes to the creation will be neither solid nor liquid as it shifts back and forth between the two.

Jello Play Monster Slime 1

Jello Play Unicorn Slime 1

For example “Its firm if you squeeze it, but it can also pour and drip like a liquid!” My thoughts are similarly on different sides of the spectrum in that I was both wowed with this product but also horribly disappointed. Let inner child Leonard and current adult Leonard share more about how this went down:

Inner child Leonard: “Ooooh, monsters and unicorns, so fun!! Look it comes with its own scoop and you just add water. WOW, this is SO EASY to make. It’s turning a bright green and pretty pink, how cool!!! OMG MOM, look at THIS. It breaks apart when you pull on it, OMG!!!!!!!!! It’s melting and dripping!!! Now, it’s tough and firm as I’m pushing on it. MOM, feel it, this is SO NEAT. OMG, WOW, SO FREAKING COOL!!!!!!!! And you can eat it. I can’t wait to TRY IT!!!!!”

(Plays with it for another hour)

Jello Play Monster Slime 2

Current adult Leonard: “Wow, this is incredibly messy. The powder is getting everywhere. Let’s try the directions. It seems to be too thick, let’s add more water. Now it’s too runny, add some more powder. This is kind of more like oobleck, that stuff they make for science experiments, rather than slime. I wish it was more translucent and slimy. Now I have to eat it when my hands have been literally all over it? Oh boy.”

Jello Play Unicorn Slime 2

“Yikes, this is disgusting, like pretty gross. It does have a faint lime (or strawberry) flavor, but I thought it would taste better coming from Jello. It tastes like crushed up chalk or a pastry where I hit a large pocket of nothing but unbleached flour. The sweetness of the strawberry definitely fares better than the sourness of the lime with the starchy vehicle. What do I do with it now?”

(Proceeds to dispose of it in the trash can.)

Jello Play Monster Slime 3

I had a lot of fun with these as it’s not every day you get to play with your food and even if you are not a kid the kid in you will surely get immense pleasure out of it. The execution, though, isn’t 100 percent there and don’t expect your guests to fill up on it as your next party’s DIY dessert.

Purchased Price: $5.49 each
Size: 14.8 oz. canister
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/2 cup prepared) Monster – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Unicorn – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein

REVIEW: Jell-O Pudding Snacks (S’more and Strawberry Sundae)

Jell-O Strawbrerry Sundae Pudding Snacks

I don’t have a child of my own, but right now I wish I had one so that I can have him or her try these S’more and Strawberry Sundae Jell-O Pudding Snacks to see if he or she likes them.

Sure, I could hold off on this review until I had a child of my own, but that would take too long. I’d have to get a woman pregnant, convince her to marry me, wait nine months while the child develops in the womb of the woman I shotgun married, and then wait a few years after that to let my child develop verbal communication so that he or she can express his or her thoughts about the two pudding flavors in complete sentences. I think by the time all that’s done, these two flavors might no longer exist.

So without a child handy, I’m left to my own taste buds, and my tastebuds like the S’more Jell-O Pudding Snacks, but when it comes to the Strawberry Sundae flavor, not so much.

Let’s start with my least favorite of the two. A Strawberry Sundae Jell-O Pudding Snack combines pink strawberry ice cream flavored pudding with a layer of red strawberry sauce topping. Since the pudding contains a double-barreled dose of strawberry, I thought the flavor of the pudding would taste like I’m competing in a county fair strawberry eating contest, but its surprisingly not that strong.

The strawberry sauce topping looks like what I imagine evil red ectoplasm is like. It doesn’t have the same consistency as the pudding, instead it’s a bit more fluid. The pudding gets most of its flavor from the ectoplasmic strawberry sauce, but it’s not enough to give the snack a robust strawberry flavor. Overall, the Strawberry Sundae Jell-O Pudding Snack is decent and it doesn’t have an artificial strawberry flavor, but I think it could’ve been better.

Jell-O S'more Pudding Snack

As for the S’more Jell-O Pudding Snack, it merges a chocolate graham flavored pudding with a whipped marshmallow flavored topping that’s similar in texture as the toppings found on the Temptations by Jell-O line. I didn’t notice the graham cracker flavor in the pudding; instead it tastes just like regular chocolate pudding. Strangely, I thought the airy marshmallow topping had a little graham flavor. Even though, it doesn’t really taste like s’mores, it’s a creamy, tasty pyro-less replacement, if you happen to be camping in the middle of a rainstorm, which is making it impossible to build a fire.

I enjoy Jell-O Pudding Snacks when I’m too lazy to combine milk and Jell-O instant pudding mix in a bowl, so, if I’m ever lazy, I could see myself picking up S’more Jell-O Pudding Snacks again. As for the Strawberry Sundae variety, I probably wouldn’t purchase more, unless it would help convince Jell-O to bring back their frozen Pudding Pops.

Seriously, Jell-O, bring back your Pudding Pops.

(Disclosure: We received these Jell-O Pudding Snacks for free from the PR firm that represents Jell-O. Yup, for free. Well, not really “for free,” since we did have to write this review. We have to disclose we received this product for free because if we don’t the Federal Trade Commission will get angry with us. Although I think I’ve gone a little over board with this disclosure. Technically, the first sentence was enough, but I figure I should make it lengthy and bold the damn thing so that it’s not hard to miss.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 snack – S’more – 110 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 10% calcium, 2% iron, and 10% vitamin D. Strawberry Sundae – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 6% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 10% vitamin D.)

Item: Jell-O Pudding Snacks (S’mores and Strawberry Sundae)
Price: FREE (retails for $3.59)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Received from nice PR folks
Rating: 7 out of 10 (S’mores)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Strawberry Sundae)
Pros: S’more flavor was really good. Made with real milk. No artificial sweeteners and preservatives. Jell-O Pudding Pops. The miracle of childbirth.
Cons: Strawberry Sundae wasn’t exciting. Not really a good source of calcium and vitamin D (Pfff…10%? I laugh at that 10%). Graham chocolate pudding didn’t have any graham flavor. Not having a child handy to ask them what they think of the pudding.

REVIEW: Mixchief by Jell-O Make Your Own…Add Soda

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda

Jell-O has been a ubiquitous part of my life. As a child, I was mesmerized. I have memories of perfect translucent cubes of red or green topped with whipped cream in a tulip sundae glass at a greasy diner. The way the light came through the gelatin mystified me. On Jell-O salads, I thought it was magic the way grapes and bananas were suspended in the dessert.

Then as the years continued on, the magic of the wobbly treat gave way to how much alcohol I could fortify it with. Imbibing on Jell-O shots with whip cream as an underage college student was a rite of passage as much as a part of an end to my childhood innocence. Nothing says sexy like a college freshman with red stained lips from downing too many Jell-O shots pumped with grain alcohol.

Recently, I was in an accident where I proved an SUV will always win against a pedestrian in a Ben Sherman jacket (I still miss that jacket…). Guess it doesn’t matter how cool and mod the jacket is, it won’t protect your bones any more than an ordinary one. The first comforting meal after several surgeries I found was a Jell-O cup. They called them gelatin gems in the hospital but it’s the same thing. The nurses liked me enough to ensure I would get an extra cup that my I’m sure my insurance company paid a premium for. I would not be surprised to learn that for every gelatin gem I ate, an underwriter lost their job.

Like I said, Jell-O has always been a part of my life to some degree. Walking down the baking goods aisle, scoffing at the tubs of cornstarch and flour (which is knowingly weird but I think I have Tourette’s where I scoff at things randomly), I was looking for nothing in particular. Then there it was, my eyes fixated on the boxes of Jell-O. How refreshing to make Jell-O from scratch than to buy it in those already convenient six pack cups. I’m doing it I declared to no one.

Scouring the boxes, one stuck out and it wasn’t just the annoying name. Mixchief by Jell-O. Sounds sophisticated since there is a byline in the product. The weird mascot on the box looks like Spongebob SquarePants dressed up as “The Gimp” from Pulp Fiction.

Then there is the pun. Puns just suck but what grabbed me about this product was “Add Soda.” Scarfing down a dessert that will quench my thirst simultaneously? How could I pass? It’s unflavored so whatever soda I use will paint the canvas per se.

I decided to use a common soft drink we should all be able to buy, Coke Zero. I was going to use Seagram’s Cranberry Ginger Ale since it is the holidays but I didn’t want to hear “Well, we don’t get that in Timbukthree or Tristram” or wherever the hell you all come from. Coke Zero sounds like a reasonable choice. Breaking out my pots with the grace of an alchemist, I ripped open the box like an ordinary person.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Mixed

The instructions on the back are insipidly simple. If you cannot follow them, give up on life and drink a cup of bleach or beat yourself into a coma with a frying pan because you are pretty much useless. Sorry to sound so harsh but the directions fit on a small box if that tells you anything.

I followed the “extra special” variation where I used boiled soda instead of boiled water. The bubbling cola on the stove emanated a sickly pungent raisin-like smell. It grossed me out and I wanted to stop but I forced myself to proceed. The thought of Jell-O tasting like Coke was a tiny bit offsetting but so does chicken livers soaked in whole milk overnight and that shit is good.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Soda

Sometimes texture is just as important as the taste. Being Chinese, texture is a big component in the cuisine. How else to explain our obsession for soups laden with beef tendon or sucking on dried sour plums until they become slightly chewy? I like Coke Zero but in gelatin form would it taste as good? Would the texture compliment the soda? Would it be like a sixty-nine in my mouth? The answer is HELL NO! HELL NO TO ALL THREE!

The Impulsive Buy meet The Repulsive Buy. Somehow the gelatin mix was able to sap all the flavor out of the cola. It was flavorless and the tiny carbonated swallows made it even more repugnant. It was a truly an alien experience and eating it made me feel like the subject of a bukkake video.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Made

I understand the Jell-O may taste as good as the soft drink you choose but I think the texture negates that fact. Maybe I should have not used a diet cola and something sweeter. Maybe an orange soda or a cranberry soda would come off better. Either way, you’re welcome to try because I won’t. This was so unappealing that even a dollop (or five) of whipped cream only intensified the blandness.

The only thing I can think of this Jell-O being used for is perhaps a novelty cocktail Jell-O shot like a Captain Morgan’s and Coke or a Gin and Tonic garnished with a candied lime, maybe even a beer. This will require a lot of trial and error (along with tomato juice to satiate any hangover pains) but I don’t believe will be worth it. I also think fans of “molecular” cookery might find it a fun and easy way to play with texture. However if that’s the case, you’re probably advanced enough to use gelatins sheets anyhow.

Sadly, this was a big fail, or more specifically the Coke Zero was a fail. I still believe the timid carbonated effect with each gulp is a bit disgusting regardless of the choice of soda. I’m all for new ideas, especially when it comes something as kitschy as Jell-O. Sometimes you win and sometimes you just suck. Jell-O, this sucked, but we’ll always have lime or beef tendon.

(Nutrition facts – 1/2 cup (prepared with cola and water) – 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 10 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Mixchief by Jell-O Make Your Own…Add Soda
Price: $1.29
Size: 0.25 ounces
Purchased: A Publix supermarket that is weirdly dim and where an angry old lady surveys the deli.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: This did not give me the farts. Imagining a war between the writers of The Impulsive Buy and its parallel earth counterpart The Repulsive Buy which inadvertently cause another Crisis of The Infinite Earths!!!
Cons: Bylines for products. Bukakke vids. The faint carbonation in the Jell-O is repulsive. My Mom making me eat things by trickery, claiming they were “Chinese hamburgers” or “Chinese hot dogs.”

REVIEW: Temptations by Jello (Apple Custard Pie, Double Chocolate Pie, French Silk Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie & Strawberry Cheesecake)

Temptations by Jello

Hey y’all. Lucifer here.

I’m having a really hard time believing these glorified Jello Pudding Snack cups called Temptations by Jello can be considered a temptation. There’s no way a double-layered pudding cup that’s supposed to taste like a pie can equal the power of a seductive come hither. Now some of you might be thinking, who the hell am I to say what’s a temptation and what’s not? Oh, maybe because I’m THE Master of Temptation.

I know. I know. I didn’t get Jesus, but I got Eve to eat a forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and I got dozens of spandex-wearing glam bands from the 1980s and 90s to sell their souls to me for fortune, fame, groupies and one or two hit songs. So I’ll see you soon, Cinderella, Winger, Slaughter, FireHouse, Britny Fox, Danger Danger, Ratt, Stryper, L.A. Guns, White Lion, Europe, Tesla, Mr. Big, Nelson, and Whitesnake.

Also, what’s with the name choice? Temptations by Jello? Is Jello making fragrances now? CKOne by Calvin Klein. Fahrenheit by Christian Dior. Cool Water by Davidoff. Tommy by Tommy Hilfiger. Eternity by Calvin Klein. Yes, I’m taking you back though my 1990s cologne history, because if you think I’m good at tempting people to sell their souls to me, you should see me tempt women in clubs. Women love bad boys, and I am the ultimate bad boy. I’ve got so many notches in my bedpost that I don’t have bedposts anymore. Now I keep track of the women using a database I created in Filemaker Pro.

I tried five of the flavors and I have to say, if you get tempted by Temptations by Jello, you have an extremely weak soul, you should stay away from illegal drugs, and I’ll see you soon.

Temptations by Jello Naked

The Apple Custard Pie is made up of a custard-style vanilla pudding topped with a gelatinous cinnamon apple top that contains a few apple chunks. As you can see in the photo it doesn’t maintain its form as well as the other flavors, but then again it is extremely hot in hell, so melting shouldn’t be a surprise. The whole shebang tastes like cheap apple pie filling. It’s okay, but I don’t think I could get Eve to take a bite from it.

The Lemon Meringue Pie has a pleasant level of tartness, and it’s also pleasant to watch it wiggle on my spoon. Yes, I like playing with food as much as I like tormenting peoples’ souls. If you’re a fan of slightly artificial tasting lemon pudding and eating something called sucrose fatty acid esters, you’ll enjoy it. But, even if you love lemon pudding, I don’t think you’ll give me your soul for it, or the soul of your first born.

The Double Chocolate Pie flavor combines a level of dark chocolate pudding topped with a milk chocolate mousse. You might think I enjoy anything with the word “dark” in it, after all, I am the Prince of Darkness, and you would be absolutely correct. Although, all is not perfect with this flavor. The mousse has a chocolate flavor that’s hard to detect, while the chocolate pudding on the bottom brings the choco-boom-chaka-la-ka, so it’s more like One and a Quarter Chocolate Pie. Actually, it just tastes like plain old chocolate putting that I could have my minions make for me with some milk and a package of pudding mix. Some of you might think it’s too sweet, but it’s not my fault your taste buds can’t handle it.

Strawberry Cheesecake is good and it tastes like strawberry cheesecake, albeit a less decadent, lighter version of cheesecake that doesn’t make my tummy feel like I swallowed the soul of a glutton. The airy cheesecake-flavored pudding is on the bottom, while a strawberry jelly sits on top of it. Just like I love foods that are dark, I love foods that are red, although I prefer the red to come from the blood of the damned.

Of the five flavors I tried, the French Silk Pie was my favorite. Maybe because the vanilla mousse pudding on top represents heaven, while the chocolate pudding bottom represents the darkness of hell, and if you mix the two together, the vanilla gets darker as the rich chocolate pudding slowly swallows the purity of the white pudding, turning everything into darkness. Or maybe because it’s very tasty. The combination of vanilla topping and chocolate pudding equals something sinfully delicious, although it’s slightly less chocolatey than the Double Chocolate Pie.

Temptations are all about getting people to do things that involve a little danger, goes against one’s morals, or gets people to worship me. Look, if you’re going to tempt someone into doing something wrong or naughty, you’re going to need more than these Temptations by Jello, no matter how good some of them are. Also, I’m pretty sure no one is going end up in hell for eating pudding that has anywhere between 100-150 calories. If they did, hell would be a lot more crowded and I’d have a lot more paperwork to do.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 snack – Apple Custard Pie – 130 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 125 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein. Double Chocolate Pie – 120 calories, 4 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein. French Silk Pie – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein. Lemon Meringue – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 120 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Cheesecake – 150 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Temptations by Jello (Apple Custard Pie, Double Chocolate Pie, French Silk Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie & Strawberry Cheesecake)
Price: $2.49 (on sale; reg. $3.49)
Size: 3 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Apple Custard Pie)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Double Chocolate Pie)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (French Silk Pie)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Lemon Meringue Pie)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Strawberry Cheesecake)
Pros: French Silk Pie because it’s tasty and it perfectly represents hell’s victory over heaven someday. Strawberry Cheesecake taste like a strawberry cheesecake that doesn’t make me feel like I swallowed the soul of a glutton. If you like chocolate pudding, you’ll like the Double Chocolate Pie. Foods that are colored with the blood of the damned. Filemaker Pro replacing the notches in bedposts. Being the Master of Temptation.
Cons: Glorified pudding snack cups. Doesn’t really deserve to be called Temptations. Apple Custard Pie melts too easily in hell. Lemon Meringue Pie has a slightly weird artificial flavor. Double Chocolate Pie might be too sweet for some and thanks to the weak mousse topping, it’s more like a One and a Quarter Chocolate Pie. Awesome source of sugar.

REVIEW: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence

For many of us, the month of January represents a new beginning, the start of a new year and a new you. The infamous New Year’s Resolution of losing weight is as American as all-you-can-eat buffets, deep-fried Snickers and funnel cakes. Most resolutions are broken within the first month, because there’s always someone tempting you with pizza, fried chicken, hookers, or whatever you’ve pledged to stop consuming.

To many of us, especially us ladies, chocolate is a huge weakness. Countless times we find ourselves giving into this sweet, sinful confection, and like a kid at chubby camp getting caught with a Twinkie in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other, we feel guilty after we indulge, and scold ourselves for breaking our resolution for the tenth year in a row.

Jell-O Mousse “Temptations” wants you to feel good about yourself if you need a chocolate fix. At only 60 calories, the Dark Chocolate Decadence promises that this mousse-like treat will satisfy your primal urge for chocolate and cure even the worst possible case of PMS.

Fat chance.

I’m pretty sure Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence would make any chocolate-loving woman become an even bigger bitch (admit it ladies, we all are bitches before Aunt Flo comes to town).

It was absolutely horrible. The texture was like that of dry pudding with a bunch of air pumped into it. I’m a big fan of Jell-O and their sugar-free desserts, despite the fact they don’t use Bill Cosby in their commercials anymore, but this product certainly wasn’t decadent and the only thing I was tempted to do was to throw away my unfinished cup, which I did.

Even though it’s low in calories, it’s unbearable to eat. Just because it says it’s chocolate doesn’t mean that it’s good, and this “treat” is the crown jewel of deception. However, what can you expect from something that has less calories than one of those miniscule 100 calorie packs that wouldn’t even satisfy a tsetse fly or Mary-Kate Olsen?

If you want to be a little naughty without breaking your resolution, maybe it would be best if you have five M&M’s or just one Hershey’s Miniature. It’s not an entire bag, or a King Size bar, but these choices are much better than having a Jell-O Mousse Temptation.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 60 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium and 9 grams of carbohydrates.)

Item: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence
Price: $3.59
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Wally World
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Packaging is sexy. The primal urge for chocolate. Going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Only 60 calories. It’s sort of edible.
Cons: Doesn’t taste good at all. PMS. Not going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Having to give up fried chicken, pizza and hookers.