Purchased Price: Free* Size: 5.3 oz. Purchased at: Received from Yoplait Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Wonderful, sweet pineapple flavor, when I had a container with lots of pineapple chunks. No need to stir. Creamy. Surprisingly juicy pineapple chunks. Contains live and active cultures (but what yogurt doesn’t nowadays). Has 100 percent more protein than regular Yoplait yogurt. Picking the pineapple flavor because I live on a tropical island. No inward lip that makes it difficult to scrape out the yogurt like with regular Yoplait yogurt containers. Cons: Inconsistencies with amount of pineapple chunks in containers; some had a lot and some had a little. 18 grams of sugar might be too much for some people. The pineapple provides very, very little vitamin C. Could use more calcium. Smaller containers than regular Yoplait yogurt.
Nutrition Facts: 140 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 20% vitamin D.
*Disclosure: I received a case of Yoplait Greek Blended Pineapple Yogurt from Yoplait to review. I didn’t receive any money for doing a review, I only received free yogurt. The fact that I received the yogurt for free did not affect my review of it. Also, the fact that the yogurt wasn’t shipped via UPS or FedEx and I had to drive to the frickin’ airport to it pick up from the office of some shipper I’ve never heard of also did not affect my review of it.
I remember when yogurt came in two types: fruit on the bottom you had to mix-up yourself and the premixed fat-free gloop that left you disappointed.
Fast forward to 2013 and we now have yogurts that are whipped, yogurts specifically made to assist with cleaning your bowels, yogurts for kids, drinkable yogurts, yogurts with granola crumbles, lactose-free yogurts, fat-free yogurts, frozen yogurts from trendy named outlets where you can add chocolate covered potato chips and tapioca beads, and please don’t even get me started on those disgusting Greek yogurts that taste like rancid cheese.
There used to be a fine line between breakfast and dessert when it came to yogurt. The flavors available today guarantee some head scratching. Trust me, this becomes more apparent at 5:30 a.m. when you gulp down a chocolate silk pie-flavored yogurt. To ensure the waters stay muddled, Yoplait has released its new Fruplait line of niche yogurts.
Looking at Yoplait’s yogurt empire, I can understand why there has not been a yogurt like Fruplait before. It’s so elementary, it’s a wonder no one thought of it.
“You know what we need? More fruit in the yogurt,” Yoplait Brand Developer Number 305 screams. “We need a yogurt equivalent to a Michael Bay film stuffed with an Aerosmith soundtrack!”
The rest of the table asks, “Can we have Ving Rhames in it?”
“Sure, what the heck is he not in?”
“Yayyyy!!!” screams no one.
“Booooooo…” says Michael Clarke Duncan’s estate.
Because I love strawberry and peach, I bought both varieties. Plus, I have an indecision problem. I cannot just pick one. Like most Roman emperors, I needed them all. You can’t miss these because they are sold in a “convenient” four-pack with reserved white packaging.
I say, “convenient” only if you tend to buy four at a time because if you just want to try one and purchase maybe…I don’t know…one, like hoping for world peace, you’re out of luck Sunshine. Those miscreants at Yoplait made sure you have to have at least three in the fridge no matter how you like Fruplait.
Unlike your Uncle Choy, who owes The Dragon of the Black Pool more than chicken fried rice and is now resting on the bottom of some retention pond, the fruit are in pockets, swirled in the middle and throughout the yogurt. As for the jammy goodness of the fruit, it has ample flavor and fruit.
Way more fruit.
Of course, that makes sense since the packaging tells you “2X the fruit of the leading yogurt.” With the strawberry flavor, it’s almost as if someone took a container of plain yogurt, went to an ice cream shoppe (with a soda jerk who speaks that 1920’s hoiky joiky lingo), and asked for extra strawberry topping. Creamy yogurt with an addictive sweet and syrupy fruit mix? Now if it sounds like I’m describing a dessert rather than breakfast, it’s because I am.
These yogurts add more haze to an already foggy patch the yogurt industry purposely created. I’m fine with it but trust me when I tell you that there is no way these are for breakfast. Both Fruplait varieties are the ubiquitous 99 percent fat-free, low fat yogurt, chock full of live and active cultures which have me imagine I’m drinking my plastic Sea-Monkeys tank.
Fruplait Strawberry is, as it says on the bottom of the package, “sheer joy in a cup.” The joy I got from this yogurt was a close second to the joy I get when my pee is so clean that I won’t violate probation. This yogurt is pretty damn good but I know it’s not the yogurt; it’s the sickly sweet strawberry pie like filling. If you love fruit-on-the-bottom strawberry yogurt, you will French-kiss and play Thompson Twins all night with this one.
First, there are big chunks of strawberry flesh that’s encased in that bright red jam. Second, you can mix it all you want, but it seems you will have a higher fruit to yogurt ratio. That’s good because while the yogurt is creamy, it has a slight chalky aftertaste that most fat-free yogurts have. The yogurt mutes the sweetness of the sundae-like strawberries, which is a good thing. However, the aftertaste ruins it just a bit.
Fruplait Harvest Peach must be peaches foraged from Candyland farms where trees grow whipped cream and bon-bons ripen in the orchards. The peaches, like the strawberries, were kick-started and chunky. They taste a little bit like the canned peaches you pretend are healthy but know the syrup says otherwise. But I like that, so if you’re not a fan of the tinned fruits, you should avoid. Harvest Peach is not as sweet as the Strawberry one and it seems the weird chalky aftertaste is tempered. The yogurt itself is as smooth and creamy as what’s in the Fruplait Strawberry.
Low-fat, live and active cultures, and vitamins aside, we’re not eating Fruplait for that nonsense. We’re eating these because we are too lazy to make an actual sundae or parfait. That’s fine with me because every time I stick a spoon in one, I’m giving the middle finger to anybody who said, “You can’t have dessert for breakfast.”
Yes, I can, jerks. Yes, I can.
(Nutrition Facts – Strawberry – 110 calories, 1 gram of total fat, less than 5mg of cholesterol, 50 mg of sodium, 160 mg of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Harvest Peach – 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 mg of cholesterol, 55 mg of sodium, 170 mg of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)
Item: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach) Purchased Price: $2.50 each Size: 4 pack Purchased at: Publix Rating: 9 out of 10 (Strawberry) Rating: 8 out of 10 (Harvest Peach) Pros: The amount of fruit. The strawberry is jammy goodness. Michael Clarke Duncan in Armageddon. The yogurts are smooth and creamy. 99% fat-free homies. Creepy dead Roman emperors. Cons: The peach is far from harvested. The slight chalkiness of the yogurt itself. Michael Clarke Duncan in Daredevil. You are forced to buy four of them at one time. Comic book movies that get it so wrong.
Hey, guys. Listen. Seriously, listen. I have found a well-kept secret from the Mediterranean that you do not want to miss. I really think it’s going to be the next Big Thing.
I can feel you quivering with anticipation, so I won’t drag it out: it’s Greek yogurt.
Wait, what? Greek yogurt has already gained mainstream popularity and has inundated the country’s supermarket dairy sections? How was I supposed to know that? Okay, well keep listening, because here’s the twist: there’s now Greek frozen yogurt.
Oh, that’s not new either? Where did you hear that? Oh, maybe it was here. Or here. Or here. Or here.
Sigh. The saying is true; there is nothing new under the sun.
But hey, these Yoplait Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars are different. They’re new! And they’re made by Yoplait! I’ve trusted Yoplait for all my yogurt needs since I was a youth. Plus, they taught me about the silent “t” well before Stephen Colbert came on the scene.
A brief refresher course on Greek yogurt: it is also called strained yogurt, because, um…it’s been strained. Specifically, they squuuuueeeze out the whey, leaving a substance that is thicker than your average yogurt, yet still rich in flavor but lower in sugar and carbs.
Yoplait Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars also come in Raspberry, Peach, and Strawberry Banana, but I chose the Honey Caramel variety because, in addition to never having tried Greek frozen yogurt, I’ve also never tried anything honey caramel-flavored. In fact, I’ve never even seen anything honey caramel-flavored before this.
Now I’m paranoid that there’s some honey caramel craze out there that I’m not aware of. I’m going to look like a pretty big idiot making fun of Greek yogurt at the beginning of this review when honey caramel has taken over store shelves and I haven’t even noticed. Maybe I’m in the dark, like Winnie the Pooh with his head stuck in the honey pot. Or a beehive. Man, that bear was stupid. I don’t want to be Winnie-the-Pooh stupid.
Right off the bat, the box of Yoplait’s Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars wants to hit me over the head with healthy boasts like “2x the protein of regular frozen yogurt”, “only natural flavors”, and “live and active cultures”.
I’ve always been kind of creeped out by yogurt’s live and active cultures, but I figure it’s better than dead and inactive cultures, or even undead cultures. Oh sure, everyone expects the zombie apocalypse to come from some sort of virus or science experiment gone wrong, but nobody suspects the yogurt.
…Yeah, I’m definitely paranoid.
While I’ve never had frozen Greek yogurt, I have had its refrigerated counterpart, so when I tried the Yoplait Honey Caramel bar, I was expecting the tartness that is the signature of Greek yogurt. I got that tartness, but it was more subtle, and also brought along a good friend – sweetness.
In fact, subtlety seems to be the word of the day for these yogurt bars. It was tart but not too tart and sweet but not cloyingly so. The caramel was delicious but not like eating a giant spoonful of the stuff. There was a hint of honey; that was one flavor that may have been a little too subtle, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
The yogurt was very smooth and creamy, and it held up very well as I ate it. No sticky hands here. I’m assuming the qualities of the yogurt – especially the Greek part – were responsible for it not melting down my hand.
I’m far, far from a health nut, but it’s hard not to notice that the daily value percentages under the nutritional facts are single digits across the board. These yogurt bars are good and good for you! Well, at the very least, they’re not very bad for you.
I find it interesting that all the things I liked the most about Yoplait Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars Honey Caramel could just as easily be construed as faults by someone with a different palate. “Not sweet enough.” “Not tart enough.” “Not enough caramel.” “Not enough honey flavor.” Oh wait, I actually said that one.
Different strokes for different folks, as they say, and Yoplait stroked me the right way. Wait, that came out wrong. And it rhymed. Four times. You’re lucky you’re so tasty, Honey Caramel Yogurt Bars.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 110 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugars, 5 grams of protein, and 15% calcium.)
Item: Yoplait Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars Honey Caramel Purchased Price: $3.98 Size: 1 box/6 bars Purchased at: Walmart Rating: 9 out of 10 Pros: Creamy texture with just the right tartness and sweetness. Live and active cultures. Nice caramel taste. No sticky hands. Actually not bad for you. Getting stroked by Yoplait. Cons: Honey flavor was a little too subtle. The yogurt zombie apocalypse. May not appeal to those who want a sweeter treat with stronger flavor. Committing accidental multiple rhymicide
All things considered, I fancy myself as a fairly simple individual. I wear jeans and a T-shirt on most days, bring my own brown bag lunch to work, and am as happy as a peach just sitting around and watching football on a Saturday night.
Given that I count Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man in my Top 25 songs of all-time, you might even find my picture next to “Simple” in your dictionary at some point in the near future.
You know what’s not simple, though? Yogurt. I mean, there are a gazillion yogurt companies, each of which produces a gazillion varieties and flavors.
You’ve got your Light yogurt for the calorie counters. Then there’s your Original for the no-fussers. There’s the Lactose Free for those who “don’t do” milk, Greek yogurt for the those who couldn’t spend that summer “discovering themselves” in Europe, and Whips yogurt for those who’d rather just have mousse. There’s Go-Gurt for those of us still living out BMX dreams from the 90s, Light yogurt with Fiber for those who need help pooping and want to lose weight, and Trix Yogurt for kids, or just people who want to try to feed their bunnies dairy.
And now, there’s Yoplait Simplait Yogurt.
Psh. Like a silent “T” can ever be simple.
Yoplait Simplait Strawberry Yogurt has only six ingredients — cultured pasteurized Grade A milk, strawberries, sugar, corn starch, vegetable juice (for color), and natural flavor. I could’ve taken the simple route and picked up only the Simplait Yogurt to review, but I decided to complicate things, and possibly hurt my chances of seeing my mug in the dictionary, by comparing it with the Yoplait Original and Light versions to see if there was any difference.
Long story short, there was. As soon as I busted the caps tops of the Light, Original, and Simplait varieties of strawberry yogurt I bought, I immediately noticed contrasting consistencies. A small amount of water appeared to have risen to the top of the whole milk Yoplait yogurt, but otherwise it was thick and creamy, rising off my spoon with an almost frozen yogurt like consistency. The Original version appeared, to borrow from my extensive vocabulary, to hold a shape somewhere between gloopy and watery, owning a consistency similar to the thin slime Nickelodeon used to shoot at people during Figure it Out. As for the Light version, it’s more on the watery side.
The Simplait didn’t just put the other versions of Yoplait’s Strawberry yogurt to shame in terms of its creaminess, it also tasted much better. The sweetness is mild and milky, reminding me of fresh ice cream, where the Original’s sweetness is over-the-top and cloying while the Light’s version is artificial and tastes strongly of strawberry cough medicine. Both the Simplait and Original have solid strawberry flavors, but the real bits of tart strawberry seeds seem to taste truer with the added richness of full fat yogurt, as opposed to the more gel-like Strawberry puree that comes across as a little too processed in the Original.
I’ll be honest with you, I’m surprised – very surprised – by how much I ended up preferring the Simplait yogurt. It has a thick and creamy consistency equal to that of most Greek yogurts at a fraction of the price, while also owning a rich flavor that features unencumbered fruit flavor and even a little texture. True, it’s double the calories of light yogurt and has a few grams more saturated fat than the Original variety, but it’s a small price to pay for a simpler, and much more pleasing, final product. Heck, it might even compete with my picture for that future spot next to “Simple” in the dictionary.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 24 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, and 20% calcium.)
Item: Yoplait Simplait Strawberry Yogurt Purchased Price: 50 cents (on sale) Size: 6 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 9 out of 10 Pros: Thick and creamy texture that puts non-Greek yogurts to shame. Milky richness that adds balance to mildly sweet strawberry flavor. Real chunks of berries. Costs just as much as yogurts filled with crap. Doesn’t taste like cough syrup. Cons: More calories and fat than any light or nonfat yogurt. Strawberry flavor comes across as muted to those used to a diet of Coke Zero and Cap’n Crunch (guilty as charged). Losing my claim to a dictionary entry to a damn container of yogurt. Excessive female oriented marketing.
Being a hardcore fan takes dedication. It entails joining fan clubs, showing up whenever the thing youâ€™re a fan of makes a public appearance, and devoting a huge portion of your week to enjoying whatever it is. Also a little bit of stalking. I believe the kids have created a delightful portmanteau for that kind of stalker fan: “Stan.”
But can one be a “stan” for a dairy product? I think I may qualify. I freaking love yogurt, man. I eat it every day. I have tried many brands, and I can say with confidence that Iâ€™ve settled on Yoplait as my brand of choice. Maybe itâ€™s Yoplaitâ€™s high amount of sugar talking, but Yoplait is my jam. Thatâ€™s not to say that fruit-flavored yogurts are my ultimate faves (see what I did there?) I have my old standbys: Vanilla, Boston Cream Pie, and Banana Cream Pie. These are the flavors that I canâ€™t do without, the ones over which I will seriously get mad if my store hasnâ€™t stocked them or if someone steals them from my fridge. And the stalkingâ€¦ Yes, I will do a drive-by of the dairy section just to see if my favorites are in stock, not even to buy them. I donâ€™t leave scary notes declaring my love, but those little containers know what Iâ€™m thinking. They can see it in my steely, meaningful gaze of longing mixed with a touch of resentment.
Now Yoplait has provided a whole new product for me to obsess over by releasing lactose-free versions of the creamy goodness: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt. (Just in time for Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month! This is actually a thing. Canâ€™t wait for the Hallmark product tie-insâ€¦ Iâ€™m thinking gassy teddy bears clutching milk bottles.) Iâ€™m not even sensitive to lactose, but I will buy this variety.
For now, Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt only comes in Strawberry, Peach, Cherry, and French Vanilla flavors and not in delicious cake/pie flavorsâ€¦ but as a true stan, I donâ€™t hate, I appreciate, and I will kick the faces of anyone who does otherwise. I decided to sample the Strawberry and Peach ones since those are the sweet flavors that got me through my toughest times in 3rd and 4th grade. OK, not really, but they were always on my after school snack list. Lactose Free Yoplait 99% Fat Free Yogurt boasts that it has 50 percent of your recommended daily value of calcium, so weâ€™re off to a good start. Curious about the other ingredients, I read the label and saw that the only ingredients “not found in regular yogurt” were a lactase enzyme, Tricalcium phosphate and Vitamin D3. Interesting. It appears that the yogurt DOES have lactose, but it also contains an added enzyme to help break it down into nothing. But look, itâ€™s a genius addition, and if anybody complains about it theyâ€™re just jealous. Iâ€™m going to have Vitamin D3 tattooed on my face so everyone will know Iâ€™m down with the Yoplait nutrients.
I was pleased to find that the enzyme did absolutely nothing to change the flavor of the Strawberry and Peach yogurts. Both were sweet and creamy and had a nice smooth texture. You seriously wouldnâ€™t know whether you were eating regular yogurt or “lactose-free” yogurt if it werenâ€™t for the stylish, bright green packaging that proudly proclaims the latter.
Iâ€™m sure all this is welcome news for those amongst us with lactose intolerance. Poor devils. Sure, alternative non-dairy yogurt exists — Iâ€™ve tried soy, but itâ€™s just not the same. And itâ€™s expensive. Those little beans can be so hard to milk. So now we have an alternative to the alternative. Works out fine because theyâ€™re just imitators of the Originator. And as the Yoplait stan that I am, it pains to me say that, price-wise, Yoplait Lactose Free is only slightly less expensive than the non-dairy brands. One thing to consider is that the label may have the word “Free” on it a lot, but the price is 90 cents, which is a little more than Iâ€™ve paid for regular or Light Yoplait yogurt in the past. On the bright side, if my insides decide they suddenly canâ€™t process yogurt anymore then Iâ€™ll have a reason to keep living because thereâ€™s no replacing Yoplait. EVER.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (6 ounces) – Strawberry – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron. Peach – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron.)
Item: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry) Price: 90 cents Size: 6 ounces Purchased at: Ralphs Rating: 7 out of 10 (Peach) Rating: 7 out of 10 (Strawberry)â€¨ Pros: Yogurt stans. No lactose-related tummy aches. Provides 50% of recommended daily value of Calcium. Tastes like normal yogurt. Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month. Cons: Gassy teddy bears. Stalking dairy. Slightly pricier than Yoplait Light and regular Yoplait. Lack of cake/pie flavors. Milking beans.
I need a smoothie to wash away the taste of the new Yoplait Chocolate Banana Smoothie. My mouth tastes like a chocolate fondue party is happening in my mouth, but instead of suburbanites, it’s being attended by hobos, hippies, and others who think deodorant is unnecessary.
Also, my mouth happens to be a room where hot yoga classes are held. Everything is creating a combination of chocolate and armpit sourness.
Just like the Boston Red Sox at the beginning of this baseball season, I had high hopes for Yoplait’s Chocolate Banana Smoothie. I thought merging a cup of skim milk with Yoplait’s chocolate-flavored frozen yogurt pieces and frozen banana slices would turn into a tasty, refreshing 16-ounce smoothie that would make me temporarily forget about the Boston Red Sox’s complete choke job, but it ended up being the salt rubbed into my wounds.
There’s only two good things about Yoplait’s Chocolate Banana Smoothie. It blends easily and it has a wonderful smoothie consistency. It’s not too thick, but also not watery. Oh, there’s a third good thing about this smoothie. It’s cold. But it’s only a good thing if you pour the smoothie on top of your head to cool you down, because pouring it inside of your head via your mouth might not be enjoyable, because as I mentioned before, it’s kind of gross.
Everything about its flavor is unpleasant, from the chocolate-flavored frozen yogurt to the banana to the artificial sweeteners. There’s a repulsive sourness in each sip, which probably originates from the frozen yogurt. It even smells repugnant. On top of all of that, the smoothie has an annoying grittiness.
Overall, this Yoplait Chocolate Banana Smoothie is not bananas.
You thought I would end this review with a baseball reference.
Overall, this Yoplait Chocolate Banana Smoothie is as horrible as the number of strikeouts Orioles third baseman Mark Reynolds racks up each year.
(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces prepared w/skim milk. 130 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 70% calcium, and 4% iron.)
Item: Yoplait Chocolate Banana Smoothie Price: $3.49 (on sale) Size: 7.6 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 2 out of 10 Pros: Blends easily. Nice smoothie consistency. Cold. Cons: This shit is not bananas. N-O-T-B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Gritty. Its strong artificial sweetener taste. My excessive use of baseball references in this review. Unsure if it contains live and active cultures, since it doesn’t say on the packaging.