REVIEW: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style

Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are probably not safe for work. Unless you work at home. Or at a 24-hour adult video store. Or at Leather & Chains R Us. Or at a nightclub that’s located in some basement called The Torture Lounge that smells like leather and has more ropes than a Boy Scout camp.)

Because today’s review is about a product called Yoplait Whips!, it would be SO easy to start off this review by writing about S&M bondage gear.

You know, like whips, chains, spiked collars, leather masks, handcuffs, ball gags, ropes, belly chains, hobble skirts, thumbcuffs, bondage hooks, monogloves, sleepsacks, bit gags, belts, breast binders, ass hooks, chastity belts, corsets, D-rings, elbow harnesses, humblers, and inflatable gags.

However, since I seem to mention bondage in every fifth review, it would’ve been too predictable for me to write about things like muzzles, panic snaps, posture collars, ring gags, shackles, stocks, suspension cuffs, Berkley horses, fisting slings, whipping benches, blindfolds, bondage hoods, gas masks, vacuum beds, spanking paddles, and nipple clamps.

So instead of writing about pony harnesses, dental forceps, funnel gags, floggers, spanking horses, and spreader bars, I’m going to write about how the live and active cultures in Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt are the best I’ve ever eaten.

Live and active cultures are bacteria, except they’re good bacteria. They’re not like the bacteria that makes you sick or the bacteria you get after spending some time with a Southeast Asian bar girl who asks you to buy her a lot of “drinkie-drinkie.”

Having good and bad bacteria is much like how there’s bad cholesterol (LDL) and good cholesterol (HDL). It’s also like how there’s pre-Thriller Michael Jackson and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.

Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style Closeup

Although the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt had the best live and active cultures I’ve ever tasted, it wasn’t the best yogurt I’ve ever had. That title belongs to whatever TCBY pumps out of those soft serve machines.

Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy, which made me think there was some kind of fruit in the yogurt, but it’s only chocolate.

One of the things that was weird about the Yoplait Whips! was the texture of it. If you take a look at the picture above, the yogurt looks like a chocolate sponge or (insert your imagination here). I also think the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.

The Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is light and fluffy like an actual chocolate mousse, but it’s definitely not cream and smooth like one.

Hmm…Maybe the reason why I don’t truly love the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is because I don’t really enjoy things light and fluffy.

I prefer harsh and rough, with maybe a little biting.


Item: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style
Purchase Price: 69 cents (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate yogurt. Best live and active cultures I’ve ever had. Good cholesterol. Five grams of protein. Things that are harsh and rough. Biting.
Cons: It’s like eating a chocolate sponge. Bad cholesterol. My armpits after jogging. Southeast Asian bar girls who scratch a lot.

REVIEW: Yoplait Nouriche

Yoplait Nouriche

I have this “thing” about anything that is strawberry-banana flavored. Ever since I mixed strawberry and banana Slurpees, I’ve been hooked to the sweet, delightful taste of it. I’ve enjoyed strawberry-banana Starbursts, strawberry-banana Jello, strawberry-banana yogurt, mixed strawberry and banana jellybeans, and I’ve even put on strawberry-banana flavored condoms.

So I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try a strawberry-banana Yoplait Nouriche breakfast smoothie, since it was on sale. However, from the beginning I had a problem with the product. How to you pronounce nouriche?

I remember having the same problem when I first saw Yoplait yogurt. I went around calling it “yo-plate yogurt.” Of course, this was wrong because of those crazy French, who made the “t” silent.

Yoplait is a French word, right?

So is it pronounced, “nourish” with a silent “e”? Or is pronounced like “new-richie”?

Nouriche is a French word, right?

Anyway, after I walked around a supermarket, waited in a long checkout line, carried my groceries to my car, drove home, took my groceries out of my car, fumbled with my keys, opened the door, and put away my groceries, I felt like I needed a Nouriche, but not until I took off its tamper-proof plastic cap, ripped off its tamper-proof protective seal, read “Shake Well” on the bottle, put its tamper-proof plastic cap back on, shook it well, and took its tamper-proof plastic cap off again.

The front of the label proudly states it has 20 vitamins and minerals, plus 10 grams of protein. However, the number that stood out on the back of the label was the 60 grams of total carbohydrates, which is enough carbs to make the late Dr. Atkins roll over in his grave.

Another number that stood out was the 46 grams of sugar. With more sugar than a can of Pepsi or Coke, I definitely know you shouldn’t feed this to hyperactive children, like myself.

Thank glucose, there’s a light version of Nouriche. I wish I knew that before I drank it and rearranged all the furniture in the apartment.

Overall, Nouriche was quite nourishing. (Get it? Nouriche and nourishing?) It’s basically yogurt in a bottle: creamy, sweet, and a little tangy. The two dollars I paid for it was worth it, but definitely not worth the regular price of four dollars.

Product: Yoplait Nouriche
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, creamy, sweet, and nourishing.
Cons: It’s hard to drink something I can’t pronounce and that makes me bounce off the walls. Can be expensive, if bought at regular price, unless you’re filthy rich.