REVIEW: Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix

When I first heard about the new Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix a few months ago, the first things that popped into my mind were, “Carbonated yogurt?” followed by “Oooh, I think that would perhaps make the perfect food sexual aid.”

Over the years I’ve dreamt of all the lickable food items I could use in the bedroom, but found a fault with each of them. Canned whipped cream…way overdone, thanks to the movie Varsity Blues. Peanut butter…smell isn’t arousing. McDonald’s BBQ Chicken McNuggets sauce…doesn’t taste well with body sweat. Melted chocolate…possible first degree burns. Pudding…a little too much sugar. Ice cubes…melts too easily. Mustard…too spicy. Ice cream…too cold, could cause frostbite. Nesquik powdered chocolate mix…takes too many licks to get it all and may cause irritation in certain areas. Maple syrup…too sticky. Thousand Island salad dressing…too chunky. Tabasco…doesn’t feel good on a nipple. Mayonnaise…too oily. Ranch dressing…not enough viscosity. Ketchup…it looks like blood.

Another problem with all of these items is how messy things can get. Many of these items slide down the body easily. Sure, it’s okay to get messy once in awhile, but having to wash your bed sheets EVERY NIGHT can get tiresome.

Fortunately, the plastic sheets I have from my mid-20s bedwetting phase would help with the cleanup, but I don’t like speed bumps whenever I make sweet, sweet lovin’ since I already have enough sexual speed bumps to worry about. Putting on a condom is a speed bump. Putting leather masks on each other is another speed bump. Fishing pubic hairs out of my mouth is another speed bump. So in the heat of passion, I just don’t have the time to put on plastic sheets.

The Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix’s carbonation and ability to stay on the body are the major reasons why I think it would make a great food sexual aid. I also like it because it’s cold and comes in an easy-to-apply-to-the-body tube form with a top that can easily be ripped off with my teeth. The Fizzix is also good for you, being that it’s healthier than any of the things I listed above. Get some potassium while licking it off an ass for fun. Or get some Vitamin D while you’re sucking it off of some D cups.

I thought the carbonation of the Fizzix would add a little tingle if applied to nipples, inner thighs, lips, a forehead, or armpit, but after applying it to my nipple, the only sensation I could feel was the coldness of the yogurt and none of the fizzing. In my mouth, I could feel the carbonation, but it was weaker than I expected. It’s significantly less fizzy than a regular soda.

Each box of Fizzix comes with eight 2.25-ounce tubes in two flavors. I tried the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt and Wild Cherry Zing. Both flavors tasted sweeter and less healthy than the usual Yoplait yogurt in the six-ounce cups. The cherry flavor was good and wasn’t too tart, while the more sweet than sour strawberry lemonade was my favorite between the two. With these being marketed to kids, I can understand why it’s sweeter than normal yogurt. There aren’t any fruit chunks in it, which is good because having fruit chunks in certain body crevices isn’t fun.

I guess the Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix isn’t the great food sexual aid I thought it would be since the carbonation didn’t add any tingle to my skin, but nonetheless, it is good and I will add it to the top of my repertoire. It’s cold, won’t slide off the body easily, can be licked clean without too much effort, and it tastes good, although you can also get that with regular Yoplait Go-Gurt.

However, it’s hard to truly determine the effectiveness of the Fizzix’s carbonation until I use it in action, but unfortunately I can’t test it, since I’m single, I can’t reach my nipples with my tongue, and I don’t have a dog who will lick anything.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 tube – 80 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbs, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin A, 10 percent RDA of calcium, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin D, 4 percent RDA of riboflavin, 6 percent RDA of phosphorus, and 100 grams of sexual kinkiness.)

(Editor’s Note: Here are two more Fizzix reviews if you need more of a Fizzix review fix. Gigi Reviews and Cheap Eats.)

Item: Yoplait GoGurt Fizzix
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Both flavors were good, but the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt was better. Sweeter than regular healthy yogurt. Doesn’t slide off of the body easily. Can easily be licked clean off the body. Plastic sheets for messy lovemaking session. Tube form with rip top makes it easy to apply to the body in the heat of passion.
Cons: Carbonation not as strong as I hoped. No tingling sensation on the body. Inability to reach my nipples with my tongue. Fruit chunks ending up in body crevices. Plastic sheets for mid-20s bedwetting phase. Sexual speed bumps.

22 thoughts to “REVIEW: Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix”

  1. I tried these a few weeks ago because they were on sale. I think I got mixed berry and raspberry. They were tasty and preferred over normal Go-gurt, but not worth extra money if you have to pay it. I didn’t try one frozen…which I should have. Random fact: these were invented by some food scientist at BYU.

  2. Where the heck did they think of the name for this stuff? I think the people at Yoplait have seen the Matrix series too many times.

  3. I have laughed and laughed at this post. Thanks for the humor…..God I need sleep…I mean sex,with a guy that is willing to have this much fun with food and sex

  4. I worked in the kitchen of a summer camp this past summer, and we were sent a bunch of boxes to have the kids sample and fill out a survey. On the whole, the younger kids loved them, but the older they got, the more disgusting they thought it was. Also, if they get too warm, the tubes explode which was pretty gross. A little too sweet for me in the morning, but I’m more of a cereal person anyway.

  5. Oh Marvo, you are sooo right.. Combine this product with that stripping video and you might be able to quit your day job!
    Sweeter is better when you are consuming it off a body.. carbonation though?? sounds wrong in a yogurt. I am fortunate enought to be able to actually lick my own nipple, but being a woman, that is a lot easier than it would be for you.(Notice I did NOT spell a lot “alot.”)

  6. Another advantage in the versatility of this milk product/sexual aid is that yogurt is considered a good treatment for vaginal yeast infections, so you can include that little fact during foreplay, if you will.

    “Hey babeee, wanna get jiggy wit’ it, up your calcium intake and prevent a vag infection? I’m your man!”

  7. Mad Cow – I don’t know if being frozen would make them a better sexual aid.

    Marvo Luvr – I don’t know if you’d want to live on this rock, unless you like driving around in circles. 🙂

    Chuck – If Scrabble had another Z and allowed nouns like Fizzix, it would make an awesome word to land on triple word score.

    Lori – In the heat of passion, just bring it in to surprise him. As long as it isn’t a frozen salami it should be okay.

    Peachy – I guess that’s what they need to do to entice fat kids to eat healthier.

    Rloux – I eat powdered donuts for breakfast on occasion so its sweetness doesn’t bother me. Too bad I ate them all, I’d like to see one explode.

    Karen – Unfortunately, the leather masks don’t have holes to see through, so wearing them all the time might get dangerous.

    luckinflux – I thought I did use it. “Get some potassium while licking it off an ass for fun.” See.

    bikerbabeee – One of these days I will lick my nipple. I don’t know how or what yoga techniques I’ll need, but I will accomplish my goal.

    Russianbride2324 – Yeast infections and going down on a woman don’t sound like they belong together…even with yogurt.

    demondoll – I think I’d get banned from Match dot com if I posted this.

  8. Sooo…it’s just fizzy yogurt? At first, it sounded like yogurt with POPROCKS magically suspended in it, waiting to be slurped down before it spontaneously exploded in your mouth. The actual product sounds like something you would get anyways if you just left your regular yogurt unrefrigerated.

  9. If you really want to have a fizzy senssation, you can always pop a couple of alka-seltzers in there. I don’t know if you would want the whole “mad dog” vagina effect.

    I am having way too much fun with this review.

  10. These things are reminding me of those old candies from the 80’s Zoltz. There was that urban legend going around that the fizzy stuff in the middle was made out of man juice, and since then I haven’t been able to eat anything with that weird consistency. Ick.

  11. amy – That sounds painful.

    Alisha – I guess the fizz would make the active cultures in the yogurt look a little too active.

    luckinflux – “Mad dog” vagina sound like a really kinky fetish.

    Mia – If only my man juice fizzed.

  12. Mad Cow’s right, it was invented by a food science professor at BYU, in Utah. This stuff has been in the works for about 24 years and gets sold on campus in the physics building for $1/cup. We college students like it. I haven’t tried the yoplait version yet, so many it tastes different when it’s all packaged prettily. Oh yeah, anything that comes from BYU is not gonna be a great sex aid since the mormons are all really sexually repressed. As in no one on campus is getting laid unless you’re married and that person is pretty much the only person you’ll ever sleep with. ever. really. but I will think of you Marvo the next time I eat some fizzy yogurt

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