Bad news: I didn’t find true love on Match.com.
Good news: I’m still an eligible bachelor…ladies. (Sprays Binaca in mouth and gives a wink)
I do a lot of things over the internet, like check the balances in my bank accounts, Google ex-girlfriends, read up on current events on CNN.com, self-diagnose any psychological symptoms via WebMD, download music through iTunes, and learn how to please a woman through the millions of search results found by typing “how to please a woman” at my favorite search engine. So it only seems natural that I find a date over the internet.
Sure I could do it the old fashioned way and walk up to a complete stranger, introduce myself, tell her she’s beautiful, ask her if she would be interested in a date, she replies “With you?,” I say “yes,” wait during an awkward pause while she thinks of a good excuse, and then says, “I’m sorry, I already have a boyfriend” or “I’m sorry, I’m not into guys,” but getting a date via an internet dating site is so much easier because, if you do your search correctly, women on these sites are most likely single and not a lesbian.
Match.com offers a very simple solution to get you into the dating scene, unlike competitor eHarmony which makes you fill out a SAT-long questionnaire that’s hard to do in one sitting. With Match.com all you need to do is come up with a username that isn’t already taken and then fill out your profile, which consists of normal things like hobbies, likes, dislikes, job description, describing yourself, and describing what you look for in a date.
(Tip: In your profile, do not add any fetishes you may have or put down the number of cats you own, if that number is above three.)
You can sign up at Match.com for free, but that only allows you to “wink” at potential dates which lets them know you’re interested, but you won’t be able to contact them or visa versa. This is somewhat like the digital equivalent of the rule at most strip clubs, “You can see, but you can’t touch.” In order to contact a potential date you have to subscribe to the Match.com service, which you can do for one month, three months, or six months. The longer plan you subscribe to, the cheaper it is per month. I chose six months, which cost me $101.94, because I enjoy buying things in bulk.
Once you’ve become a subscriber, you can now contact potential dates and get rejected electronically, which I admit stings much less than being rejected face-to-face. A wink is a good way to let someone know you’re interested, but contacting them via email is even better and more effective. Don’t worry, the service doesn’t use your actual email, instead they create one specifically for Match.com using your username.
(Tip: If you contact a potential date via email and they don’t reply, please don’t send them another email asking them why they didn’t reply. That is fucking creepy and irritating. Just accept the fact that they’re not interested in you and move on. They were probably out of your league anyway.)
You can search for potential dates and also narrow your searches down to be more specific. So if I wanted to find a 5’2″ Asian woman with a college degree, makes $50,000 a year, and is a sexual Scorpio, I could. The service allows you to save three searches, which I found wasn’t enough for me. I created a search for all the women of Asian persuasion, a search for those who are within five miles from me, and one for those who could become my Sugar Momma, making more than $100,000 a year.
(Tip: The more specific your searches are, the smaller the pool of potential dates gets. Stop being so fucking picky. Go out on some dates and have fun.)
With your profile, you have the option of putting up a picture or two or a dozen or more, depending on how vain you are. While searching for potential dates, about 70 percent of profiles didn’t have a picture. The profiles without a photo are given a plain generic image with the words, “Ask me for my photo” over it, all of which could be considered the digital equivalent of putting a brown paper bag over their faces. I did put up a picture with my profile, because in the particular picture I put up, I look fucking hott. The blurriness of the photo definitely makes me look better, like beer goggles would.
(Tip: Putting up your picture greatly increases the attention you’ll receive. Unfortunately, it also increases the attention you receive from people you don’t want attention from. However, Match.com does offer to block specific users from contacting you. Also, if you’re not interested in someone, you can have Match.com send the other person a nice “No, thanks” for you.)
Within the first few days I received over a dozen winks, which was a total ego boost, although most of them were from women either from the Philippines, Romania, or Indiana. I believe those were spam since their usernames were made out of random letters and numbers, like they slammed their head against their keyboard. These same “women” also had profiles that went something like this:
I the romantic girl, like to have fun, but I have no harmful habits. At me quiet character and before that that to make I all over again I think. I the good friend who always will help a difficult minute. Certainly I have lacks as well as any person, but concerning them I not a complex To me such person will be necessary which to love me and to understand, which will live in the big city and which will not have children I will need to move the man a bark with me on life and to not give in insult.
As the months in my subscription went by, I got fewer and fewer of these blatant spam winks.
(Tip: Do not put in your profile, “I’m shy at first, but I’ll open up as we get to know each other.” So many people use that line that it’s become a cliche. Use “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours…personality, that is.”)
During my six-month subscription, I dated four women. I could tell you about each of them, but I’m a gentleman and we gentlemen don’t talk about our dates…also, some of them read this blog (Hi, Tricia, Terri and Jen!) I enjoyed the dates I went on and all of the women were really nice and a pleasure to talk to. However, none of them turned out to be long-term material because I just didn’t feel that strong of an attraction to any of them and I’m kind of a picky mutherfucker.
Dates were fun, but sadly, perhaps the most entertaining part of the whole Match.com experience was deleting women from my searches, which made me feel like the anti-Cupid, pointing my arrow-shaped mouse cursor at their delete button and breaking their hearts without them even realizing it.
If she had the word “gypsy” in her username, I deleted her. If her username had the words “happy” or “smile” in it, but she’s not smiling in her profile picture, I deleted her. If she typed “a lot” as “alot,” I deleted her. If she looked like she could kick my ass, I deleted her. If her entire profile was done with the CAPS LOCK button on, I deleted her. If she looked like someone who has way too many stuffed animals in her car, I deleted her.
(Tip: Deleting profiles can be more fun if you follow every deletion by saying out loud, “You ain’t good enough for me” or “You ain’t gettin’ none of this.”)
Despite not finding true love, I had an overall positive Match.com experience and renewed my subscription for another six months, which was ten dollars cheaper than the first six months. I think it was successful because I went on more dates in the last six month than the six months before joining Match.com.
There were a few downsides. Being in a smaller market here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, new profiles don’t show up as often as I would like and there are many profiles that have been inactive for three weeks or more, making the pool of women even smaller. Also, many profiles didn’t have pictures, making some dates nervously exciting like a blind date or a Craigslist meetup.
(Tip: When meeting a blind date or someone on Craigslist, meet in a very public area or carry a weapon with you.)
If you’re not a bar or nightclub person this would make a great option to meet new people and perhaps find love. It’s cheaper than most other popular online dating services and you don’t have to fill out a long questionnaire. Just because it didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you.
So again, ladies, I just want to let you know that I’m still available.
Price: $101.94 for six month subscription
Purchased at: Match.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great way to meet people. Easy to get started. No long questionnaire to fill out, like eHarmony. Cheaper than most other popular online dating services. The internet. Deleting profiles.
Cons: Didn’t find love. Most profiles didn’t have a photo. Free account only allows you to wink at others, but not send emails. Only able to save three searches. Some wink spam.