Bad news: I didn’t find true love on

Good news: I’m still an eligible bachelor…ladies. (Sprays Binaca in mouth and gives a wink)

I do a lot of things over the internet, like check the balances in my bank accounts, Google ex-girlfriends, read up on current events on, self-diagnose any psychological symptoms via WebMD, download music through iTunes, and learn how to please a woman through the millions of search results found by typing “how to please a woman” at my favorite search engine. So it only seems natural that I find a date over the internet.

Sure I could do it the old fashioned way and walk up to a complete stranger, introduce myself, tell her she’s beautiful, ask her if she would be interested in a date, she replies “With you?,” I say “yes,” wait during an awkward pause while she thinks of a good excuse, and then says, “I’m sorry, I already have a boyfriend” or “I’m sorry, I’m not into guys,” but getting a date via an internet dating site is so much easier because, if you do your search correctly, women on these sites are most likely single and not a lesbian. offers a very simple solution to get you into the dating scene, unlike competitor eHarmony which makes you fill out a SAT-long questionnaire that’s hard to do in one sitting. With all you need to do is come up with a username that isn’t already taken and then fill out your profile, which consists of normal things like hobbies, likes, dislikes, job description, describing yourself, and describing what you look for in a date.

(Tip: In your profile, do not add any fetishes you may have or put down the number of cats you own, if that number is above three.)

You can sign up at for free, but that only allows you to “wink” at potential dates which lets them know you’re interested, but you won’t be able to contact them or visa versa. This is somewhat like the digital equivalent of the rule at most strip clubs, “You can see, but you can’t touch.” In order to contact a potential date you have to subscribe to the service, which you can do for one month, three months, or six months. The longer plan you subscribe to, the cheaper it is per month. I chose six months, which cost me $101.94, because I enjoy buying things in bulk.

Once you’ve become a subscriber, you can now contact potential dates and get rejected electronically, which I admit stings much less than being rejected face-to-face. A wink is a good way to let someone know you’re interested, but contacting them via email is even better and more effective. Don’t worry, the service doesn’t use your actual email, instead they create one specifically for using your username.

(Tip: If you contact a potential date via email and they don’t reply, please don’t send them another email asking them why they didn’t reply. That is fucking creepy and irritating. Just accept the fact that they’re not interested in you and move on. They were probably out of your league anyway.)

You can search for potential dates and also narrow your searches down to be more specific. So if I wanted to find a 5’2″ Asian woman with a college degree, makes $50,000 a year, and is a sexual Scorpio, I could. The service allows you to save three searches, which I found wasn’t enough for me. I created a search for all the women of Asian persuasion, a search for those who are within five miles from me, and one for those who could become my Sugar Momma, making more than $100,000 a year.

(Tip: The more specific your searches are, the smaller the pool of potential dates gets. Stop being so fucking picky. Go out on some dates and have fun.)

With your profile, you have the option of putting up a picture or two or a dozen or more, depending on how vain you are. While searching for potential dates, about 70 percent of profiles didn’t have a picture. The profiles without a photo are given a plain generic image with the words, “Ask me for my photo” over it, all of which could be considered the digital equivalent of putting a brown paper bag over their faces. I did put up a picture with my profile, because in the particular picture I put up, I look fucking hott. The blurriness of the photo definitely makes me look better, like beer goggles would.

(Tip: Putting up your picture greatly increases the attention you’ll receive. Unfortunately, it also increases the attention you receive from people you don’t want attention from. However, does offer to block specific users from contacting you. Also, if you’re not interested in someone, you can have send the other person a nice “No, thanks” for you.)

Within the first few days I received over a dozen winks, which was a total ego boost, although most of them were from women either from the Philippines, Romania, or Indiana. I believe those were spam since their usernames were made out of random letters and numbers, like they slammed their head against their keyboard. These same “women” also had profiles that went something like this:

I the romantic girl, like to have fun, but I have no harmful habits. At me quiet character and before that that to make I all over again I think. I the good friend who always will help a difficult minute. Certainly I have lacks as well as any person, but concerning them I not a complex To me such person will be necessary which to love me and to understand, which will live in the big city and which will not have children I will need to move the man a bark with me on life and to not give in insult.

As the months in my subscription went by, I got fewer and fewer of these blatant spam winks.

(Tip: Do not put in your profile, “I’m shy at first, but I’ll open up as we get to know each other.” So many people use that line that it’s become a cliche. Use “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours…personality, that is.”)

During my six-month subscription, I dated four women. I could tell you about each of them, but I’m a gentleman and we gentlemen don’t talk about our dates…also, some of them read this blog (Hi, Tricia, Terri and Jen!) I enjoyed the dates I went on and all of the women were really nice and a pleasure to talk to. However, none of them turned out to be long-term material because I just didn’t feel that strong of an attraction to any of them and I’m kind of a picky mutherfucker.

Dates were fun, but sadly, perhaps the most entertaining part of the whole experience was deleting women from my searches, which made me feel like the anti-Cupid, pointing my arrow-shaped mouse cursor at their delete button and breaking their hearts without them even realizing it.

If she had the word “gypsy” in her username, I deleted her. If her username had the words “happy” or “smile” in it, but she’s not smiling in her profile picture, I deleted her. If she typed “a lot” as “alot,” I deleted her. If she looked like she could kick my ass, I deleted her. If her entire profile was done with the CAPS LOCK button on, I deleted her. If she looked like someone who has way too many stuffed animals in her car, I deleted her.

(Tip: Deleting profiles can be more fun if you follow every deletion by saying out loud, “You ain’t good enough for me” or “You ain’t gettin’ none of this.”)

Despite not finding true love, I had an overall positive experience and renewed my subscription for another six months, which was ten dollars cheaper than the first six months. I think it was successful because I went on more dates in the last six month than the six months before joining

There were a few downsides. Being in a smaller market here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, new profiles don’t show up as often as I would like and there are many profiles that have been inactive for three weeks or more, making the pool of women even smaller. Also, many profiles didn’t have pictures, making some dates nervously exciting like a blind date or a Craigslist meetup.

(Tip: When meeting a blind date or someone on Craigslist, meet in a very public area or carry a weapon with you.)

If you’re not a bar or nightclub person this would make a great option to meet new people and perhaps find love. It’s cheaper than most other popular online dating services and you don’t have to fill out a long questionnaire. Just because it didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you.

So again, ladies, I just want to let you know that I’m still available.

Price: $101.94 for six month subscription
Purchased at:
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great way to meet people. Easy to get started. No long questionnaire to fill out, like eHarmony. Cheaper than most other popular online dating services. The internet. Deleting profiles.
Cons: Didn’t find love. Most profiles didn’t have a photo. Free account only allows you to wink at others, but not send emails. Only able to save three searches. Some wink spam.

28 thoughts to “”

  1. Had to say, wasn’t expecting such a high rating, and am surprised that you had a positive overall experience.

    I’ve been considering some form of online dating, lately (namely match/eHarmony), and your review was actually helpful.

    Not too keen on the idea of paying for a glorified message board, though. Was it worth it?

  2. Mr. Domino – I think it’s well worth it, whether you subscribe for a month, three months, or six months. I think another benefit of online dating sites is being able to meet people who you know have the same interests as you. With every profile you look at has a table that shows a variety of ways you could be compatible with someone by comparing both of your profiles side-by-side. I don’t remember how much it is for a one month subscription (I think it’s about $25), but I don’t think it hurts to just try it for one month.

  3. marvo, this review is full of win! All of your tips help greatly. Although I’m not single, I’ll try to work them into my everyday life.

    *deletes all mention of fetishes from my happygypsysmile92 myspace account*
    when is it appropriate to bring up fetishes? Do they find out on their own when they find Saran wrap,rope, and a map of all near-by aquariums under your bed?

  4. So, a photo in leather bondage gear wouldn’t be good to have on your profile, then?

    Good review, and glad you had fun on your dates!

  5. Marvo, if I didn’t live halfway ’round the world, if I weren’t married, and if I weren’t pregnant, I’d love to have you contemplate me for dating and/or deletion. Alas, I found my husband the old-fashioned way: instant messaging on AOL, oh so many years ago. Ahhh…

    Love the review, as always.

  6. I’m pretty surprised that you gave it such a high rating too. It’s good to hear that you got something out of it though, I was always under the impression that those online match services were just breeding ground for toofless women with 12 kids and a trailer payment to make.

  7. Tip: If you send an email and get a “No thank you. I don’t think we are a match.” in reply, do not email them again telling them how they are sooo wrong and proceed to list 15 reasons why you would be perfect together.

    Tip: Be honest in your profile. Don’t say you live with roomates when you actually live with your parents or grandparents and don’t say you work in business/finance when you are 32 years old, abandoned getting your business degree 7 years ago and are throwing packages at UPS for a living.

    Tip: Don’t talk on the first date about the woman you met who wouldn’t leave you alone after you told her you didn’t want to see her anymore and then proceed to constantly call/email, when after the first date, you are told “Nice to have met you, but there’s no chemsitry between us. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who’s a better match.”

    True stories from my foray into online dating.

  8. Marvo, your biological clock is ticking. I think it’s time you start taking advantage of your star power and exclusively date girls that read this blog. You’re already a mental Adonis to your female fans, it’s only natural that they’d want to sleep with you.

  9. MiMi totally stole my comment. Hmph.

    I’m glad you had a nice experience with Match even though you didn’t find true love. I found absolutely nothing through eHarmony, and only someone completely insane through Yahoo! Personals. Nice to know that a normal online dating arena does exist. 😉

  10. MiMi also stole my comment. except I’m not currently pregnant. and I found my fiancee through myspace. all in all, the wonderful world of online dating and networking sites make love possible for all of us. just like the eharmony commercials say it does.

  11. Marvo, Ace is right, you should put up pictures of yourself on TIB and save yourself some money.

  12. Why do only three of the four women you went on dates with read TIB? My foray into went well, but I didn’t find true love there either. But, go figure, the guy I am dating I found through craiglist…you really CAN get everything there!

  13. Well Marvo, I salute you. For one thing, I had no idea that you had to pay to do anything on the site besides wink. Those robbing bastards. Now we have to pay to flirt.

    I’ve been too much of a wuss to complete my profile, but I might get off my ass and do it.

    I think Chuck is onto something with the bondage gear. Give it some thought. 😉

  14. Why pay for something you can get for free? One can be rejected much more cost-effectively on or And ladies, if you speak even a modicum of French and want sexy European guys falling all over themselves to tell you you are “ravissante,” check out! But beware–every single solitary guy on there from the “U.S.A.”–isn’t. It’s not hard to tell, though: “I am knowing I will like so much to meet you, dear. I am widower and this my first time for dating site. I love you and want marry you.” Caveat amour!

  15. May I suggest posting that fetching video of you getting jiggy wit’ it in front of your microwave with your profile? You would have them lining up for dates!

  16. Well, I guess I’m in that ever-growing line of married women who would happily wink at you…

    I’m glad it was a positive experience. A friend of mine found his wife through E-Harmony. They didn’t play the commercial song at the reception, though. I was disappointed.

  17. kt – I think when they see the mirrors on my ceiling and the leather sex swing hanging from the the ceiling they’ll know something is up.

    Chuck – I don’t know about the picture, but it sounds like a positive.

    MiMi – Marriage, pregnancy, and distance? That shouldn’t stop us. 😉

    Mia – Fortunately we don’t have trailer parks here so I think me and my twelve kids will be all right.

    randomness – Men can be such assholes. Oh wait, I’m a man.

    Ace – Mental Adonis…maybe. Physical McLovin…definitely.

    Mir – Maybe I’ll start meeting crazy people on now. Oooh, that will make things so much more exciting. I wonder if I’ll finally get a stalker.

  18. Rose – It’s nice to hear a positive story with MySpace instead of the usual sexual predator stories I read about.

    Karen – Nah, if I put my picture up, there will be a line of women after me and I’ll be multi Baby Daddy who will have to pay thousands of dollars in child support.

    cian – Why only three? Only because I didn’t tell one of them about it. You were on We totally should’ve gone out on a date.

    Brie – You should complete your profile. Want me to write it for you? Of course, I’ll totally make stuff up. For example, you like men who drive convertibles; you won a beauty pageant, but lost your title due those nude pictures you took; and you kissed Brad Pitt when the two of you were in middle school.

    SarahRose – I like to pay for it because it forces me to take action and contact potential dates.

    bikerbabee – Oh, you didn’t find the stripping video I posted on TIB a few years ago.

    demondoll – You should’ve brought a keyboard and played the song on your own. That would’ve rocked. Or just play it at the next wedding you attend.

    Sam – I wished they paid for the review…in the currency of hot dates.

  19. Holy crap, $200 per year!?! I thought it was maybe $25 or $50…$200 seems super expensive!

    Though, I could be biased because all my disposable income goes toward cars and video games, which certainly costs far more than $200/year. Speaking of which, can you review a nice helmet with a flip-up visor? You can even try eating it, if consistency must be maintained. 😀

  20. In my “favorite things to do” category I put mocking so I never actually meet anyone online because by the time I get done making fun of the all caps profile or the fact they “love to exercise!” they’ve probably already gotten married, had babies and now are far to busy in family yoga/run in place land to answer my email asking them how they can claim to be Replacments fans when they’ve never heard Pleased to Meet Me.

  21. I tried a dating site here in Seattle about 5 or so years ago. Only really large white women kept messaging me. I gave up at that point.

  22. Rhawb – If you compare it with a high-class hooker, it’s a bargain.

    That little broad – I think everyone on exaggerates or lies.

    luckinflux – I guess that’s what happens when you visit

  23. Hey, those pictures were tastefully done. At least that’s what the photographer told me.

  24. damn, that’s expensive! and that’s too bad about your dates too. I wish you had written about each date, but i totally understand your not doing so – especially if the girls already know this blog exists! that might be awkward….lol

  25. has only slightly better than Myspace-caliber folks. Check out, which is free. I’d call it the Firefox of e-dating sites.

  26. Pfft, don’t listen. Okcupid is mildly frightening. I have men who are old enough to be my father messaging me daily telling me how gorgeous I am and telling me about themselves. but, you may like that thing. mm mm.

  27. Brie – Tasteful or not, pictures like that won’t let you keep a beauty pageant crown. Just ask Vanessa Williams. Although things turned out pretty good for her.

    Webmiztris – But still cheaper than a good hooker.

    earthbound – I’m skeptical of free because you know what they say, “You get what you paid for.”

    Rose – I definitely don’t want men who are old enough to be my father. I don’t swing that way. Old women on the other hand…

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