For something so small, I’m surprised Slim-Fast could fit so much into their Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima meal bar.

How did they fit over 22 vitamins and minerals into such a small bar? Look how much stuff they had to fit in there: Sodium, Potassium, Protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Phosphorus, Iodine, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Chromium, and Molybdenum.

I’m sure they could’ve crammed more of the periodic table into it, but Lead (Pb) could kill us and Gold (Au) looks the same going out as it does going in. (Sorry, too many experiences with Goldschlager.)

Actually, now that I think about, if anyone could concentrate a whole meal into something the size of a candy bar, it would be Slim-Fast. After all, they did fit a meal into a can with their delicious and nutritious shakes that I would drink once at breakfast, once at lunch, and then eat a sensible dinner, during my “husky” years.

Anyway, I was curious to try the Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima bar, not because I’m a sucker for things that are cookie dough flavored, but because I wanted to know if I could eat ONLY an Optima bar for lunch and be satisfied. After all, they call it a MEAL bar.

Below the wrapper, the Optima bar looked like and smelled like a regular chocolate candy bar. When I took a bite, it was soft, like I was eating a 3 Musketeers, except with chocolate chips in it. (Damn, that sounds good. Someone should do that with the actual 3 Musketeers.)

It wasn’t as sweet as a 3 Musketeers, but it was pretty good for something with the words “Slim-Fast” printing on it.

Now eating it was the easy part, but making it the only thing I could eat for a meal, that was hard.

It was hard because, seriously, who gets full after eating a candy bar?

I think Slim-Fast has this whole serving size thing wrong.

They should make the serving sizes bigger and have it contain the same amount of nutrients as their bars and shakes. I figure if Slim-Fast could cram over 22 vitamins and minerals into a four-inch long candy bar, they could easily spread it out into something bigger.

Why do this?

Think about it. After you eat a small candy bar, you’ll probably say to yourself, “That was good, but it was so small. I think I’ll have another.”

However, what if that candy bar was now the size of a pie?

If you eat a whole pie, unless you’re competing in a pie-eating contest, you’re probably going to think, while dry heaving, “Oh, damn! I can’t believe I ate a whole frickin’ pie. Dude, if I eat anymore I’m gonna puke.”

Mentally and physically, a pie will satisfy a person’s hunger much better than a candy bar. Unless they’re morbidly obese or have a very serious case of the munchies.

Anyway, fifteen minutes after consuming the Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima bar, I was hungry again and thought about eating the second Optima bar I bought. I thought that maybe two bars would be able to satisfy my hunger.

However, just as I was about to open the second Optima bar, I fortunately noticed the following words on the wrapper: “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.”

After reading that, I placed the Optima bar back into the cabinet and I no longer had the urge to eat anything else.

So I guess just one Optima bar WAS enough for lunch.

Item: Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima
Purchase Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 22 Vitamins & Minerals. Meal replacement. Chocolate. “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect” warning in nice big, bold letters.
Cons: Kind of small. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.

Usually I’m skeptical about things that are easy, because I’m afraid they either aren’t easy or they carry some kind of sexually transmitted disease.

So I was obviously a little cynical about these Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries I picked up from the national grocery store chain I shop at, but I figured I could take a risk since they were only a dollar.

Actually I bought two boxes of the Easy Fries because I’ve been known on occasion to mess up microwave foods. For example, I’ve caused many Hot Pockets to erupt like they were high school science fair projects. Also, I’ve burnt more bags of microwave popcorn than I’d like to admit.

When I got home from the store, I decided to make one of the boxes of Easy Fries.

When crisping microwave foods, there’s usually some kind of crisping sleeve made out of some gray material. With the Easy Fries, the entire box they came in was the crisping sleeve. A layer of the gray crisping material was on both sides of the interior of the box.

The instructions for crisping were simple. Just flip the box over, tear out the back cover of the box (which was perforated for easy removal), and take the back cover and lay it directly on top of the frozen fries. Then just stick the box in the microwave for four minutes.

After the four minutes were up, I let the box sit in the microwave for about a minute more to cool down. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve burnt my fingers by accidentally touching the gray crisping material because I was so eager to eat.

When the fries were ready to eat, I found that I had a big problem. I didn’t have ketchup. This was a problem because it’s one of the ways I get vegetables into my diet.

Well I did without the ketchup and began eating the fries naked. (No, I wasn’t naked. I meant the fries.)

The crisping results varied, with the skinnier fries being crispier than the thicker fries. As for the taste, I have to say that they’re the best tasting microwave fries I’ve ever had, but then again they’re the only microwave fries I’ve ever had. However, the taste is definitely not even close to those frozen fries made in a conventional oven.

But in this case, I’ll take speed over quality, since it takes about 25-30 minutes to make fries in a conventional oven.

Since I was slightly disappointed with the crisping results, I thought about sticking the second box I bought into the microwave for longer than the instructed four minutes. However, I didn’t because I was afraid of ruining them in the microwave, or what’s slowly being called among my friends as, “Marvo-tizing the food.”

Item: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. Get fries in four quick minutes. Best microwave fries I’ve ever had, but then again they’re the only microwave fries I’ve ever had.
Cons: Crisping results vary. No ketchup, need to buy ketchup or steal some from the Burger King down the street.

Last night was the first and only time I really wanted soooo badly to be around smokers to inhale second-hand smoke.

It all started when I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go to the finals of an ultimate bartending competition at this place.

At first, I wasn’t interested because I have this fear of situations where there is a pretty good possibility of getting hit square in the face by a glass bottle. However, after thinking about it for a moment, I realized that it would be a great opportunity to see if these All Revitalizer Cloths can refresh my clothes after being around smokers.

Editor’s Note: Going to the bartending competition was also the reason why this review was a little late today.

The purpose of the All Revitalizer Cloths is to refresh the clothes you’ve only worn for a few of hours and don’t want to wash because you’ve only worn them for a few of hours. In other words, it’s for those clothes that you want to wear recycle.

Okay, subjecting my clothes to cigarette smoke was an extreme scenario, but it did give me a good reason to get out of the apartment and become a social butterfly, instead of an antisocial cocoon.

So I decided to go to the competition, but when my friend and I got there at 10:30pm, the place was kind of empty. The competition didn’t start until 11pm and for the first hour there were no smokers around me. This greatly disappointed me.

However, suddenly this beautiful, busty brunette with a lit cigarette in between her fingers approached me. When I looked at her, she pointed at me for some reason. Then she did it again.

Was she flirting with me?

She came closer and with her free hand, she placed it on my shoulder.

I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m hott! This woman is totally flirting with me.”

Then she removed her hand, grabbed the ashtray that was behind me, and then turned around.

I’m soooo NOT hott.

Well at least I had an opportunity to be around second-hand smoke.

Eventually the place got a bit more crowded and a couple more smokers moved into the area where I was being soooo NOT hott.

At about 2:30am, my friend and I left the club. When I got home, I stripped off my clothes and stuck it in the dryer with one of the moist All Revitalizer Cloths.

Twenty minutes later, I pulled my clothes out and took a whiff. Overall it does a decent job in refreshing my clothing. My shirt had a light citrus scent, but I also could still smell a hint of cigarette smoke. The pants I wore also had a light citrus scent, but I couldn’t smell any hint of smoke. As for my underwear, it didn’t matter because I didn’t wear any.

So while hanging up my clothes, I wondered about other situations where the All Revitalizer Cloths would come in handy.

I could only think of one group of people who these would also come in handy for: People having affairs.

Think about it. If you’re having a wild sex romp in the back seat of your car, some of the cologne/perfume the other person is wearing will probably rub onto you and your clothing. The scent that rubs onto you is easy to hide, but the scent that rubs onto your clothing isn’t.

You could just wash the clothes, but that might make your significant other suspicious, since they might be wondering why you’re doing laundry in the middle of dinner. Or you could burn the clothes, but buying new clothes every other day can get pretty expensive.

So I think the All Revitalizer Cloths is a discreet and inexpensive way to hide your affairs.

Item: All Revitalizer Cloths
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice light scent. Easy to use. Discreet and inexpensive way to hide affairs.
Cons: Can’t use with large loads of clothes, seven items max. Mixed results.
Standing naked in front of a dryer waiting for clothes is soooo NOT hott.

Holy crap! Since when have there been TV dinners for toddlers?

Gerber, the Microsoft of baby foods, has created microwavable TV dinners called Lil’ Entrees. I believe it’s made for those toddlers who are too tired from drooling, crawling around, chewing on toys, and sucking on boobs to make their own dinners.

Actually, I didn’t know toddlers had the motor skills to work a microwave or the ability to read instructions with their very limited vocabulary, consisting of the words, “goo-goo” and “ga-ga.”

The Lil’ Entrees come in a variety of flavors: Chicken Stew with Noodles & Green Bean Dices, Turkey & Green Bean Dices with Sweet Potatoes, Spaghetti & Mini Meatballs in Sauce with Green Bean Dices, Pasta Wheel Pick-Ups & Chicken with Carrot Dices, and Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices.

I decided to pick up the Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices because it was the one that looked the least disgusting and I HATE green beans, along with coconuts and playa hater.

The first thing I noticed about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact that the portions were REALLY small, which is a good thing. Why, you ask?

I don’t have kids yet, but I have a theory when it comes to food and toddlers, and you parents can correct me if I’m wrong: The smaller the portions, the smaller the poop and the smaller the poop, the easier it is to clean up.

The servings are definitely enough for a toddler, but what about adults and this kid.

Well after eating a Lil’ Entrees I have to say it would fill me up, if I was on some Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers plan. However, I’m not and I was still hungry after eating the Lil’ Entrees, so I also made myself a sandwich, heated up some canned corn chowder, ate some Thin Mints, and then washed it all down with a tall root beer float with whipped cream on top.

So how does the Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees taste?

Well the carrots were too soggy, but the macaroni and beef was actually kind of tasty. It was like Chef Boyardee, except without the aluminum can taste. Not bad for not having any preservatives or artificial flavors.

One of the things that sucked about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact it didn’t have a dessert. How can you have a TV dinner without the dessert? Sure, I don’t know of many people who actually eat the apple or cranberry crumb dessert, but the toddlers might eat it because they don’t know better.

Another issue I had with the Lil’ Entrees was the heating time. The directions said I should stick it in the microwave for 30 seconds. However, heating it for 30 seconds didn’t heat the food well enough.

So would I give Lil’ Entrees to a toddler, if I had a toddler (or if I suddenly found out I had a toddler, due to a night of complete drunkenness)?

Well if they can work a microwave oven and read instructions, I say why not.

It’s less work for me.

Item: Gerber Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees
Purchase Price: $2.39
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Perfect for the busy, on-the-go life of toddlers. Small portions means small poop. Macaroni & Beef in Sauce was kind of tasty.
Cons: Not enough food for a grown-up. Carrots were waaay too soggy. Heating instructions not accurate.

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.

I learned a very important lesson this weekend: Don’t try to haggle with Girl Scouts, because they won’t budge.

Yesterday, while I was walking out of the national grocery store chain I shop at, out of nowhere three Girl Scouts appeared in front of my shopping cart. Fortunately, I have cat-like reflexes and I swerved the cart to avoid hitting them.

I looked at them and they all smiled and said a synchronized, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”

Usually I would avoid such fundraising efforts because I’m a really cheap bastard. However, it’s been a few years since I had Girl Scout Cookies and I wondered if there were any new flavors. So I asked the three of them, “What flavors do you have?”

They went through the list and it sounded like they were the same old flavors. I sighed and then asked them if they had any new flavors. This seemed to have stumped them because they began whispering to each other. After a few moments, they came to the consensus that there weren’t any and they shook their heads.

After the quick disappointment wore off, I said to them, “You Girl Scouts just changed the look of your uniforms, isn’t it about time you girls changed the flavors of your cookies?”

The three of them began whispering to each other again. After a few moments, I think they came to the consensus that I’m a big, yucky dork.

Since they didn’t have any new flavors, I decided to get a box of Thin Mints. One of the girls told me they’re the most popular Girl Scout Cookies. After telling me that wonderful nugget of information that might come in handy during a game of Trivial Pursuit, I said to the girl, “Well I think if you had a chocolate chip cookie it would totally kick Thin Mints’ ass.”

After our little banter, I asked the three girls how much the box of Thin Mints was.

“Four dollars,” they said with smiles.

“Four dollars!” I said with disbelief.

I could’ve sworn the last time I bought Girl Scout Cookies they were only three dollars, so I decided to haggle.

“How about three dollars for the cookies?” I asked them.

“Four dollars,” they said.

“$3.50?”

“Four dollars.”

“$3.75?”

I was going to start raising my offer in one cent increments, but all three of them had stern and bitchy looks on their faces, like their inner Omorosa’s were coming out. So I paid my four dollars and pushed my cart away before they could use what they learned to earn their Self-Defense Girl Scout Badges.

When I got home, I opened the Thin Mints and began popping them one-by-one as I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers get whipped by the New England Patriots (Sorry, Yam). Before I knew it, I ate half the box.

I’m usually not big on mint, except when it’s in my toothpaste and chewing gum, but I like Thin Mints. They have a nice chocolate and mint mixture, which make them refreshing and satisfying. I would definitely buy more if they lowered the price a little.

Damn greedy Girl Scouts!

No wonder their uniforms are green.

Item: Girl Scouts Thin Mints
Purchase Price: $4.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No tax. Nice chocolate and mint mix. Helps young women become happy and resourceful citizens.
Cons: No new Girl Scout Cookie flavors. Damn greedy Girl Scouts.

I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.

Every time I buy one, I know it’s not going to taste good and I’m going to write a crappy review about it.

I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.

Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because I’m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, “There can’t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.”

Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.

Well I guess I’ll keep buying them and I’ll keep getting burned.

It’s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.

You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didn’t have to eat the low-carb crap that’s available today.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.

Anyway, the newest way I’ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.

It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. It’s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butter…

Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butter… Um, it really doesn’t.

So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.

Less peanuts? That explains the taste.

According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, “What the hell makes up the other 35 percent?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isn’t Splenda.

(Reading label)

Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.

Dammit, Splenda! Why can’t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way you’d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, “I Love the 2000s” where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.

So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?

We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.

Only two less grams of carbs?

So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins!

DAMN YOU!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.

As many of you know, earlier this month, my digital camera broke and I had to buy a new one. Many of you also know that it broke while I was taking photos of a product I was planning to review.

Um, that last part was a lie. It actually broke while I was taking photos of myself.

Why was I taking photos of myself? I needed self-portraits for the online dating service I’m planning to sign up for.

Although I’m scared to try an online dating service, because who knows what kind of freaky-deeky girl I might end up on a date with? But then again, freaky-deeky sounds pretty good…because I’m desperate.

Anyway, the new digital camera I bought was the Canon PowerShot A85. I actually wanted the $200 3.2-megapixel Canon PowerShot A75, but NOBODY had it in stock, so I had to buy the more expensive, 4-megapixel PowerShot A85.

While researching digital cameras, I had to read a lot of reviews. These reviews got pretty boring because they explained things like aperture, ISO, exposure, blah, blah, blah. See it’s pretty boring.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we’re not going to bore you with stuff like that, instead we will ask hypothetical questions that include scenarios most people would use a camera for and find out if the PowerShot A85 would do a good job in each of these scenarios.

Question #1

“I just gave birth to my daughter, her name is Melody, and I want to take pictures of all the important moments of her young life, like her first steps, her first tooth, and her appearance in the possible future movie Baby Geniuses 3, but I’m not knowledgeable about photography. Is it easy to take photos with this camera?”

Yes. There’s an Auto Mode that lets the camera do almost all the work, like figuring out the appropriate aperture and shutter speed. All you have to do is point and shoot. The Auto Mode takes great pictures and those pictures will help psychiatrists understand why Melody doesn’t like you for forcing her to be in what will probably be, if they make it, one of the worst movies EVER.

Question #2

“I’m 70-years-old, technophobic, and don’t own a computer. Is this camera good for taking photos of my beautiful, but bratty grandchildren?”

No. I’ve learned that elderly people with technophobia and digital cameras don’t mix. It’s like sticking a gun in the hands of the Dalai Lama.

As for the lack of a computer, you might be fine there because this camera allows direct printing from the camera to special Canon printers.

On second thought, the technophobia will definitely come into play here because if you can’t set the time on your VCR, you probably won’t be able to figure out how to print your grandchildren’s photos from your camera.

Question #3

“Is this camera good for when I go to Mardi Gras and take pictures of women flashing their boobs?”

Yes. When a woman flashes her boobs, make sure the camera is set to the Fast Shutter option. This allows you to take better photos of those shy women who show their boobs really fast, without the risk of blurred photos. Also, make sure you have a lot of bead necklaces.

Question #4

“I read that the PowerShot A85 allows me to take video clips. Would this be a good option for finding out if my significant other is cheating on me by hiding the camera in the bedroom?”

No. The video quality for digital still cameras isn’t as good as it would be for real video cameras. Video quality is important in these circumstances because I’m sure you would like to know who your significant other is cheating with so you can hunt that person down. Also, depending on the size of your memory card, the camera can’t take very long clips.

Question #5

“I’m planning to sign up for one of those online dating services and I need to take a picture of myself. I’m not very good looking and when I tried to take a self-portrait of myself, the digital camera I was using broke down on me. Will this camera break if I take a picture of myself?”

Yes AND No. Are you wearing a paper bag over your head when you take the picture? If you are, the camera won’t break. If you aren’t wearing one, I highly suggest you do NOT take a self-portrait because the camera will break.

Also, if you’re extremely claustrophobic and you might suffocate with a paper bag on your head, a big sheet of paper in front of your face can be used instead of a paper bag.

Conclusion

Overall, I liked this camera. It takes great shots and has a great battery life, since it takes four AA batteries to power it. The PowerShot A85 is great for those who just want to point and shoot or for those control freaks that like manual options.

It’s a great camera for almost any scenario you may face.

Editor’s Note: For more product reviews go check out our friends at the Message Whore.

Item: Canon Powershot A85
Purchase Price: $279.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for taking pictures of flashing boobs. Allows direct printing from camera to special Canon printers. Won’t break when ugly people take self-portraits with a paper bag over their head.
Cons: Video option isn’t good for trying to catch your significant other cheating on you. Too complex for elderly, technophobic people.

Editor’s Note: I guess many of you are interested in who won the 100th Review Prize Drawing. I’m pleased to announce that after rolling over the 64 entries with my sweaty naked body and letting them fall off of my body, the winner of the prize drawing is Ayesha97.

Thank you to all of those who entered the drawing. Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.

When I was young, I remember whenever I had alphabet soup I would just sit in front of my bowl and spell swear words.

Of course, since my age wasn’t in the double digits, the extent of my profanity didn’t go beyond “boob,” “butt,” “doo-doo,” “pee-pee,” and “ding-dong.”

As many of you know, I still play with food, except I don’t play with it alone, if you know what I’m saying, baby. I gots me some creamy chocolate pudding with your name on it, baby.

Oh, sorry.

I’m sure many of you also played with your food and got scolded by your parents, because they probably heard something from Miss Manners, who said it wasn’t proper to play with food. Well Miss Manners sounds like the boring type who only does it missionary style, so I don’t think we should listen to her.

Besides, it seems like many of the foods today that focus on kids, encourage them to play with food.

Case in point, these new Chex Mix for Kids. In each package are crackers and pretzels that come in various shapes, along with Chex cereal. This particular package I picked up was the Castle Adventure Pizza Flavor, so there were pieces that looked like swords, shields, and dragon heads.

It was fun creating scenes using the Chex Mix. I created a few medieval scenes, which included a two knights jousting and a knight battling a dragon. However, I eventually got bored with the whole medieval thing and used my imagination to come up with other scenes.

My favorite one was a scene I created where a drunken Tara Reid accidentally has both of her boobs pop out of her dress while on the Red Carpet in front of photographers (see picture on left).

Editor’s Note: Originally I said “see picture on right,” but many readers pointed out that the picture is on the left. Yes, I made a mistake and I blame it on my preoccupation with the pretzel boobs in the picture.

After playing with the Chex Mix for a while, I finally got around to eating it.

While chomping on Tara Reid’s pretzel boobs, I couldn’t taste the pizza flavor very well. Even the crackers had a light pizza taste. However, the Chex cereal had a strong pizza flavor.

One of the things I like about the Chex Mix for Kids is the fact that it’s baked and not fried, which is good because I ate over half the bag while watching the New England Patriots dismantle the Indianapolis Colts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, with the rest of the Chex Mix for Kids, I’m going to recreate the moment when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up.

Item: Chex Mix for Kids (Pizza Flavored)
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Fun to play with…the Chex Mix that is. Baked not fried. Able to recreate any medieval scene or a Tara Reid boobie slip.
Cons: The pizza taste is mostly on the Chex cereal, not enough on the pretzels and crackers.

Being the editor of a quasi-product review blog has a lot of perks. I get to try new things, meet a lot of nice people, and beautiful women want to hang out with me.

Okay, the last one isn’t true.

However, with the Impulsive Buy being kind-of-sort-of popular, I sometimes feel like I’m a quasi-celebrity. Sort of like Kato Kaelin, except not as famous and even less attractive.

If there’s one downside to being a quasi-product review blog editor, it’s that I’ve accumulated a lot of personal care products. I’ve got a better personal care product selection than the convenience store down the street.

For example, I’ve got SEVEN open tubes of toothpaste. SEVEN!

You don’t believe me?

Well there’s the Colgate Max Fresh with Mini Breath Strips, the Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze, the four that came in the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, and the tube of Colgate Total that I opened when the Impulsive Buy was just a twinkle in my eye.

Hey, does toothpaste ever go bad?

Anyway, with today’s review of the new Edge Advanced Shaving Gel, it brings my total of shaving gels/creams in my bathroom to three. This includes The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and the can of regular Edge Shaving Gel that I’ve hardly used for the past six months. I’ve hardly used it because almost every other week I attempt to grow a beard, goatee, or muttonchops.

I’ve been using the Edge Advanced daily since last week and despite all that shaving, I couldn’t find anything “advanced” about it. I even did one of those side-by-side comparisons that Consumer Reports would probably do, where I put regular Edge Shaving Gel on one half of my face and Edge Advanced on the other half.

I got nothing from that.

I guess the most important thing is that it gets the job done, meaning it prevent my face from getting cuts and also prevent my face from feeling like I just dipped it in lava.

Because the Edge Advanced did accomplish those things, maybe it did provide the extra protection, like the can says. However, the regular Edge Shaving Gel has also prevented cuts and that burning sensation.

Anyway, if a shaving gel is going to call itself “advanced” it should be able to shave for me, or even better, kill the hair follicles on my face so I don’t have to shave anymore.

Side Note: I have not and will not try to put Nair on my face. The smell alone makes my nose hairs wilt.

I guess the best part about the Edge Advanced Shaving Gel was its can, which has this cool hologram image on it. Move the can around and watch the hologram go.

It’s the perfect thing that will occupy your dog, infant, or stoned friend.

Item: Edge Advanced Shaving Gel
Purchase Price: $2.76
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cool hologram image on can, man. It’s new. May provide extra protection that you won’t notice.
Cons: Not really advanced. Won’t shave my face for me. Won’t kill hair follicles.