Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima

Slim-Fast Optima

For something so small, I’m surprised Slim-Fast could fit so much into their Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima meal bar.

How did they fit over 22 vitamins and minerals into such a small bar? Look how much stuff they had to fit in there: Sodium, Potassium, Protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Phosphorus, Iodine, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Chromium, and Molybdenum.

I’m sure they could’ve crammed more of the periodic table into it, but Lead (Pb) could kill us and Gold (Au) looks the same going out as it does going in. (Sorry, too many experiences with Goldschlager.)

Actually, now that I think about, if anyone could concentrate a whole meal into something the size of a candy bar, it would be Slim-Fast. After all, they did fit a meal into a can with their delicious and nutritious shakes that I would drink once at breakfast, once at lunch, and then eat a sensible dinner, during my “husky” years.

Anyway, I was curious to try the Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima bar, not because I’m a sucker for things that are cookie dough flavored, but because I wanted to know if I could eat ONLY an Optima bar for lunch and be satisfied. After all, they call it a MEAL bar.

Below the wrapper, the Optima bar looked like and smelled like a regular chocolate candy bar. When I took a bite, it was soft, like I was eating a 3 Musketeers, except with chocolate chips in it. (Damn, that sounds good. Someone should do that with the actual 3 Musketeers.)

It wasn’t as sweet as a 3 Musketeers, but it was pretty good for something with the words “Slim-Fast” printing on it.

Now eating it was the easy part, but making it the only thing I could eat for a meal, that was hard.

It was hard because, seriously, who gets full after eating a candy bar?

I think Slim-Fast has this whole serving size thing wrong.

They should make the serving sizes bigger and have it contain the same amount of nutrients as their bars and shakes. I figure if Slim-Fast could cram over 22 vitamins and minerals into a four-inch long candy bar, they could easily spread it out into something bigger.

Why do this?

Think about it. After you eat a small candy bar, you’ll probably say to yourself, “That was good, but it was so small. I think I’ll have another.”

However, what if that candy bar was now the size of a pie?

If you eat a whole pie, unless you’re competing in a pie-eating contest, you’re probably going to think, while dry heaving, “Oh, damn! I can’t believe I ate a whole frickin’ pie. Dude, if I eat anymore I’m gonna puke.”

Mentally and physically, a pie will satisfy a person’s hunger much better than a candy bar. Unless they’re morbidly obese or have a very serious case of the munchies.

Anyway, fifteen minutes after consuming the Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima bar, I was hungry again and thought about eating the second Optima bar I bought. I thought that maybe two bars would be able to satisfy my hunger.

However, just as I was about to open the second Optima bar, I fortunately noticed the following words on the wrapper: “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.”

After reading that, I placed the Optima bar back into the cabinet and I no longer had the urge to eat anything else.

So I guess just one Optima bar WAS enough for lunch.

Item: Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima
Purchase Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 22 Vitamins & Minerals. Meal replacement. Chocolate. “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect” warning in nice big, bold letters.
Cons: Kind of small. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.

14 thoughts to “Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima”

  1. As a food scientist, I find your reviews quite entertaining – and actually useful! You reinforce a lot of consumer research; but, it’s so much more fun to quote your reviews than a dry report by a market research firm!

  2. Hmmm….wouldn’t that amount of stuff put into a whole pie make the thing not even gel and be like….pie crumbs? …or was that a rhetorical question?

  3. Do like the fancy restaurants do: cut it up into teeny tiny pieces, arrange it artfully on a plate of china, place a cilantro garnish on the side, and squeeze a very light drizzle of something on the plate for decor. Now charge yourself $34.50 for haute cuisine.

  4. Bryan – I don’t think you really want to know, but you only have two choices to choose from.

    themeatdoctor – Just don’t quote the parts when I talk about frightening women away with my cheesy pick-up lines.

    Anne – What I meant was, instead of having a candy bar, create a pie with the same amount of calories, fat, sugar, fiber, vitamins and minerals than the candy bar. If you have all of that in the form of a pie and someone eats the whole pie, then they wouldn’t have the urge to eat anything else. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

    Mellie – Oooh, I know what I could drizzle on the plate, a nice chocolate cranberry liquor sauce with some citrus zest. Oh, sorry, been watching too much Food Network.

    Chana – I use Metamucil to stay regular, it’s cheaper AND orange-flavored.

    Princess Wild Cow – Purging is never good, no matter which way it comes out.

  5. I’ve tried these so-called meal replacement bars and they don’t fill you up. I’m cranky after 10 min. cause I get hungry again. You might as well just eat a candy bar, some of them have the same amount of calories and fat anyway.

  6. I would have to agree. How can one little candy bar replace an entire meal? Surely eating just slimfast bars for the rest of your life would be very unhealthy.

  7. akiko – Exactly, but what if that candy bar was a pie? I bet that would fill you up.

    Andrew – Unhealthy, but damn, they’ll be skinny.

  8. Marv, a pie isn’t portable friendly like a candy bar…plus you’ll need a utensil, and that means clean up…

  9. Mmm.. Chocolate Cookie Dough. Now that sounds good. I would like to try one of these Chocolate Cookie Dough Pies, Marvo. Yes, indeed.

    I noticed some of the comments above point out that eating Slim Fast for the rest of your life can’t be healthy – but I beg to disagree. The vitamins and minerals in Slim Fast products are generally healthy (or so they’d have us believe) and you just don’t get most of those from Chee*tos. Or Pringles. Or Sprite, for example. Sprite has almost no vitamins OR minerals. But it *does* have lots of calories, you gotta give it that.

    Mmmm. Chocolate Cookie Dough Pie and Sprite. Thanks, Marvo!

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