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Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
By Marvo | June 2, 2005
Wind, rain, sleet, or snow will not prevent a postal worker from delivering the mail. Those things also will not prevent my mouth from burning after eating the habanero beef jerky from Jerky By Art.
Impulsive Buy reader Chuck was kind enough to send me a package of habanero beef jerky. I think he sent it because he’s a sadistic bastard, but then again, I’m a masochistic bastard, so I was happy to receive it.
I believe the only way you can tell if something is really spicy is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy. Using this criteria, the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky was definitely spicy.
While chewing on the jerky, it feels like there’s a party going on in my mouth, a Fourth of July party with lots of fireworks. Many hours later that fireworks party moves to my anus.
Once you stop eating the habanero jerky, the burn stays in your mouth for about 10 to 15 minutes.
Of course, 10 to 15 minutes seems like a lifetime when your mouth feels like you’ve just made out with Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of Fire.
For some, this may seem like torture. But think of it this way, some people actually pay a few hundred dollars to be tortured by some woman in a tight leather suit who tells people they’re a good for nothing piece of crap that should be stepped on with her six inch heels.
Unfortunately, thinking of it this way didn’t help me. So while my mouth was burning, I looked for some quick relief.
I tried water, milk, cubes of ice, vanilla ice cream, and Pepto Bismol. (Warning: Annoying music will play on the Pepto Bismol site.)
None of them worked, but I think my masochistic side was happy with that.
The habanero jerky also made me cry and sweat at the same time, so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been only eating a couple of pieces every day, because I can only sweat and cry at the same time for a short period of time.
If I sweat and cry at the same time for long periods, I believe I will turn into dust.
Despite the burning sensation from the habanero, the jerky is actually pretty good and it’s not extremely tough like some beef jerky are. Plus, the jerky comes in nice little bite sizes.
However, the greatest thing I found out about the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky is the fact that it makes for a great pick me up. Forget Mountain Dew or any energy drink.
Need to stay awake to cram for an exam? Need to finish a review for a quasi-product review blog? Put away the NoDoz and start chewing on some habanero beef jerky. The burn will make you forget about sleep.
Item: Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by Impulsive Buy reader Chuck)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really hot. Tasty. Not tough. Bite-sized pieces. Great pick me up.
Cons: Really hot. Burn lasts for 10-15 minutes. My masochistic side.
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June 2nd, 2005 at 1:01 am
sadism ? machoism ? what is going on here ?
June 2nd, 2005 at 1:47 am
I hate to say this, but could you review more spicy / weird non-fat aborbing food products more often? They’re so funny.
Besides, that should please your masochistic side. 
June 2nd, 2005 at 3:16 am
Glad you enjoyed the jerky, Marvo, and thanks for the hilarious review. I’m not really THAT sadistic. Speaking as someone originally from New Mexico, the best thing to cool off your mouth after eating something spicy is generally hot, sweet tea. Don’t ask me why.
June 2nd, 2005 at 4:10 am
Very nice review. The company should consider using the last paragraph for their commerical. That was great!!! Funny stuff.
June 2nd, 2005 at 4:43 am
actually a great method to cool off your mouth is to lick some salt. the sodium neutralizes the capsaicin from the habenero. eating some bread and drinking milk should also help.
June 2nd, 2005 at 5:34 am
Would licking Yoda work equally well?
June 2nd, 2005 at 5:38 am
oh, man, you ate that stuff? you are a brave man, marvo.
June 2nd, 2005 at 5:46 am
awesome
June 2nd, 2005 at 6:33 am
Chocolate, dude. Top that milk off with a generous sum of Hershey’s and you’re all set.
I bang off some spicy turdage at least once a month from the local hot wingery (bw3’s).
June 2nd, 2005 at 7:02 am
vanilla yogurt is the elixir to the spiciest indian curries, i’ve found. it could help with the jerky.
June 2nd, 2005 at 7:13 am
marvo - this reminded me to send you some ‘mad cow jerky’ from up here in canada. heh heh… heh…. heh heh….. try and wash THAT stuff down with milk..
June 2nd, 2005 at 7:23 am
Considering that Habaneros are one of the hottest if not the HOTTEST pepper in the word, you are very brave indeed Marvo. Congrats!!!
June 2nd, 2005 at 8:10 am
great review, like some others I have a suggestion on cooling the oral cavity after such an endeavor. When testing the level of hotness of a pepper food scientist bite the pepper and then spray sugar-water in their mouth the number of sprays is the heat rating for that pepper.
So is your masochistic side looking for a job? How about food scientist?
June 2nd, 2005 at 9:04 am
Cry and sweat at the same time! Poor marvo. So, are you finishing the bag, or what?
June 2nd, 2005 at 9:08 am
Ummm…. What’s up with the “Hot Cha Cha” on the bag?????
June 2nd, 2005 at 9:49 am
My intestines are curdling in sympathy…
June 2nd, 2005 at 9:51 am
That sounds good, i would like to see more of the spicy stuff reviewed too. And I’m glad to see you are back on the right track of culinary crash test dummy after your salad week …
June 2nd, 2005 at 10:13 am
Oh sweet fancy moses, I don’t know why people do these things to themselves. I like food with maybe a bit of a zing, but anything that causes actual physical pain at either end is right out. You are a braver one than I, marvo.
June 2nd, 2005 at 10:32 am
Is the pepper on the label giving the finger? I can’t tell. (My eyesight sucks)
If a habanero on the packaging is flipping you the bird, it may very well be a warning. To your mouth and your butt.
June 2nd, 2005 at 10:59 am
SEV - Sadism? Masochism? These things are typical at The Impulsive Buy.
Anna - Apparently, you are also sadistic.
Chuck - Hot, sweet tea, eh? I don’t have anymore of the habanero jerky, but I’ll keep the tea in mind when I decide to drink some habanero Tabasco sauce for fun.
Thanks for the jerky!
Becky - I think “Hot goin’ in and hot goin’ out” would also be good for a commercial.
alex - Lick some salt? Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have thrown away that salt lick I had.
B - I think licking Yoda might help, if Yoda used his lightsaber to cut off my tongue.
Webmiztris - No, I’m just a Jackass.
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:06 am
Where can I buy this?
I Love Hot Food!
As For Cooling Your Mouth Down….Sour Cream Or Cream Cheese Works Wonders. Never Use Water!
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:08 am
Master Foley - Eat a few pieces of habanero jerky and it might not seem so awesome anymore.
steyblind - Can’t I just squirt the Hershey’s syrup into my mouth? Wait, that sounded kind of gross.
wyn - Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.
Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia - That’s fine. Just don’t send me Celine Dion jerky.
BPyser1 - I don’t know if brave is the right word. Maybe “stupid,” but not “brave.”
Kent Tell - I don’t know about the food scientist thing. I’m not very good in science and math. Heck, I’m not even very good in English.
nat - Finished the bag a few days ago and I think my mouth and ass are happy.
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:22 am
Chris - I think it’s there because the habanero makes you want to do Hot Cha Cha dance, which involves running to the kitchen to get a glass of water, grabbing ice cubes from the freezer, and drinking whatever is cold in the fridge.
Thumper - Thank you for your sympathy.
Bryan - You’re a sadistic bastard too. Aren’t you?
Genny from the Burbs - I may be brave to eat habanero jerky, but I’m afraid of spiders and Cowboy Troy.
wired - No, I don’t think it’s giving me the finger, but I think it’s telling me that hell is hot and I’ll end up there someday.
Damon - Just go to the Jerky by Art website and you can order some. Also, I think I’ve also read somewhere that water doesn’t work, but when my mouth was burning, I kind of forgot about that.
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:32 am
When ever I see blogs that get huge amounts of comments like this, I always try to type in something that will catch the eye, something that’ll stand out, such as:
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:34 am
Habaneros are known for burning twice…My fingernails have left gouges in the porcelain.
Have you tried a milk enema to ease the pain?
I don’t recommend it.
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:35 am
Bobby,
This isn’t my blog but I want to respond to you…
not really.
June 2nd, 2005 at 11:44 am
Bobby - I don’t know if you really want to. I’m pretty sure it might have some habanero flavor.
muzik - Until my colonoscopy in few decades, I’d prefer things to only go out of my anus.
June 2nd, 2005 at 1:06 pm
Wow, you’re really brave. Did u try the pepto bismol dance machine? Well I did and it sure gave me a good laugh…
June 2nd, 2005 at 4:35 pm
The Pepto Bismol Dance Machine Rocked!
June 2nd, 2005 at 4:46 pm
I want some!! I love spicy. What a great review;>
June 2nd, 2005 at 8:07 pm
Lucy/Damon - Almost every time I eat Mexican food, I do the Pepto Bismol dance.
celebrate woo-woo - Thanks for the compliment. Now go and get some jerky!
June 3rd, 2005 at 1:40 pm
I would have accepted your challenge for the battle of the blogs but I don’t want to lose my credits.
Why join something I know that I cannot win.
June 3rd, 2005 at 1:49 pm
That’s the greatest method ever for determining a food products spice quotient. I, however, would not like to experience said foodstuff coming out spicy. Taco Bell has handed me a case of fire house styled explosive diarrhea one time too many =\
June 3rd, 2005 at 1:49 pm
Oh what the heck! I felt bad that no one had accepted your challenge. I guess I am just a sucker…..I see that I am losing already. LOL!
June 4th, 2005 at 8:55 am
srmc - I am not invincible. If you believe in yourself, good things will happen. Besides losing is not a beginning, it is an ending. HOLY CRAP! Was I channeling a Hallmark card writer or something? Damn, that was weird.
Ken - Oh that Taco Bell burn doesn’t even compare with the burn from this stuff.
June 5th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
I think I’d rather eat dirt. Great review, I love this site.
June 7th, 2005 at 2:47 pm
Vn - You know, mud is actually easier to eat. Thanks for the compliment.