Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky

Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky

Wind, rain, sleet, or snow will not prevent a postal worker from delivering the mail. Those things also will not prevent my mouth from burning after eating the habanero beef jerky from Jerky By Art.

Impulsive Buy reader Chuck was kind enough to send me a package of habanero beef jerky. I think he sent it because he’s a sadistic bastard, but then again, I’m a masochistic bastard, so I was happy to receive it.

I believe the only way you can tell if something is really spicy is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy. Using this criteria, the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky was definitely spicy.

While chewing on the jerky, it feels like there’s a party going on in my mouth, a Fourth of July party with lots of fireworks. Many hours later that fireworks party moves to my anus.

Once you stop eating the habanero jerky, the burn stays in your mouth for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Of course, 10 to 15 minutes seems like a lifetime when your mouth feels like you’ve just made out with Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of Fire.

For some, this may seem like torture. But think of it this way, some people actually pay a few hundred dollars to be tortured by some woman in a tight leather suit who tells people they’re a good for nothing piece of crap that should be stepped on with her six inch heels.

Unfortunately, thinking of it this way didn’t help me. So while my mouth was burning, I looked for some quick relief.

I tried water, milk, cubes of ice, vanilla ice cream, and Pepto Bismol. (Warning: Annoying music will play on the Pepto Bismol site.)

None of them worked, but I think my masochistic side was happy with that.

The habanero jerky also made me cry and sweat at the same time, so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been only eating a couple of pieces every day, because I can only sweat and cry at the same time for a short period of time.

If I sweat and cry at the same time for long periods, I believe I will turn into dust.

Despite the burning sensation from the habanero, the jerky is actually pretty good and it’s not extremely tough like some beef jerky are. Plus, the jerky comes in nice little bite sizes.

However, the greatest thing I found out about the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky is the fact that it makes for a great pick me up. Forget Mountain Dew or any energy drink.

Need to stay awake to cram for an exam? Need to finish a review for a quasi-product review blog? Put away the NoDoz and start chewing on some habanero beef jerky. The burn will make you forget about sleep.


Item: Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by Impulsive Buy reader Chuck)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really hot. Tasty. Not tough. Bite-sized pieces. Great pick me up.
Cons: Really hot. Burn lasts for 10-15 minutes. My masochistic side.

37 thoughts to “Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky”

  1. Where can I buy this?
    I Love Hot Food!

    As For Cooling Your Mouth Down….Sour Cream Or Cream Cheese Works Wonders. Never Use Water!

  2. Master Foley – Eat a few pieces of habanero jerky and it might not seem so awesome anymore.

    steyblind – Can’t I just squirt the Hershey’s syrup into my mouth? Wait, that sounded kind of gross.

    wyn – Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

    Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia – That’s fine. Just don’t send me Celine Dion jerky.

    BPyser1 – I don’t know if brave is the right word. Maybe “stupid,” but not “brave.”

    Kent Tell – I don’t know about the food scientist thing. I’m not very good in science and math. Heck, I’m not even very good in English.

    nat – Finished the bag a few days ago and I think my mouth and ass are happy.

  3. Chris – I think it’s there because the habanero makes you want to do Hot Cha Cha dance, which involves running to the kitchen to get a glass of water, grabbing ice cubes from the freezer, and drinking whatever is cold in the fridge.

    Thumper – Thank you for your sympathy.

    Bryan – You’re a sadistic bastard too. Aren’t you?

    Genny from the Burbs – I may be brave to eat habanero jerky, but I’m afraid of spiders and Cowboy Troy.

    wired – No, I don’t think it’s giving me the finger, but I think it’s telling me that hell is hot and I’ll end up there someday.

    Damon – Just go to the Jerky by Art website and you can order some. Also, I think I’ve also read somewhere that water doesn’t work, but when my mouth was burning, I kind of forgot about that.

  4. When ever I see blogs that get huge amounts of comments like this, I always try to type in something that will catch the eye, something that’ll stand out, such as:

    I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!

  5. Habaneros are known for burning twice…My fingernails have left gouges in the porcelain.

    Have you tried a milk enema to ease the pain?

    I don’t recommend it.

  6. Bobby – I don’t know if you really want to. I’m pretty sure it might have some habanero flavor.

    muzik – Until my colonoscopy in few decades, I’d prefer things to only go out of my anus.

  7. Wow, you’re really brave. Did u try the pepto bismol dance machine? Well I did and it sure gave me a good laugh…

  8. Lucy/Damon – Almost every time I eat Mexican food, I do the Pepto Bismol dance.

    celebrate woo-woo – Thanks for the compliment. Now go and get some jerky!

  9. I would have accepted your challenge for the battle of the blogs but I don’t want to lose my credits. 🙂 Why join something I know that I cannot win.

  10. That’s the greatest method ever for determining a food products spice quotient. I, however, would not like to experience said foodstuff coming out spicy. Taco Bell has handed me a case of fire house styled explosive diarrhea one time too many =\

  11. Oh what the heck! I felt bad that no one had accepted your challenge. I guess I am just a sucker…..I see that I am losing already. LOL!

  12. srmc – I am not invincible. If you believe in yourself, good things will happen. Besides losing is not a beginning, it is an ending. HOLY CRAP! Was I channeling a Hallmark card writer or something? Damn, that was weird.

    Ken – Oh that Taco Bell burn doesn’t even compare with the burn from this stuff.

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