Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts

Vanilla is a synonym for boring and boring can best describe how I feel about the Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts. I guess vanilla had to be the next natural progression for Pop-Tarts flavors since the Pop-Tartologists at Kellogg’s have pretty much squeezed out every single chocolate flavor from the cow’s udder of toaster pastry imagination.

The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts pretty much taste like processed sugar, so it doesn’t come close to tasting like a creamy vanilla milkshake. At best, it probably also tastes like shitty vanilla cake frosting. I imagine if you take another flavor of Pop-Tarts and extracted all of its natural and artificial flavoring, you’d probably end up with something similar to the boring, bland Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love processed sugar as much as the next guy who probably has enough of cavities to turn the pupils in the eyes of a dentist into dollar signs, but if I wanted to savor processed sugar, I’d rather do it in a normal way with a baby pig balancing on a beach ball, while I try to suck the granules off of the pig’s back with two Crazy Straws and I’m chasing the pig with a blindfolded monkey on a tricycle who is pulling my ass which is in a Radio Flyer Big Red Classic Wagon with only three wheels.

The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts have multi-colored sprinkles on top, which pretty much are there to add some color and nothing else. They also have bone strengthening calcium in them, which they’re so excited about that they had to mention it on the front of the box. Each pastry has ten percent of your daily recommended allowance of calcium. Oooh, ten percent!!! I’m so excited that I added THREE exclamation points at the end of the last sarcastic sentence.

Sadly, that ten percent doesn’t seem like much and it is possibly the same amount one can get in a bukkake scene. Shit. I get twice the amount of calcium by eating two small L’il Critters Calcium Gummy Bears, which by the way, taste much better than these Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, I get my calcium from gummy bears. I also get my Omega-3 fats from gummy fish. You laugh now, but when I’m taking over the world with my indestructible bones and huge brain, you’ll be scarfing down gummy animals too.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 10% Iron, 10% Niacin, 10% Thiamin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Calcium, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Folic Acid, and 1 big yawn.)

Item: Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Vitamins and minerals. Getting vitamins and minerals from gummy animals. Savoring processed sugar in a normal way. No trans fat. A world where I rule with my indestructible bones and huge brain.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a vanilla milkshake. Tastes like processed sugar. Only ten percent of the daily recommended allowance of calcium. Kellogg’s is running out of ideas for Pop-Tarts.

28 thoughts on “Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts

  1. Vanilla poptarts that taste like sugar? Ugh. While I love the idea of a vanilla poptart, there are easier ways of getting my calcium. Like an enema of pure milk goodness or hell, a latte.

    Oh, and I’m a strawberry poptart man. ALL THE WAY.

  2. And here’s an idea, Kelloggs. Savory poptarts. I didn’t say it was a great idea, but it’s a better idea than vanilla. What kid wouldn’t want to eat reconstituted egg poptarts? With bits of dry and chewy bacon bits dispersed among a sea of cheese powder?

  3. ^^ Now that’s what I’m talking about!!! I’d totally scarf a Garlic Bread or Bacon Cheeseburger Pop Tart.

  4. Those damn things taste EXACTLY like the french vanilla barium I had to swallow when I had an upper GI done. Not delicious.

  5. “with a baby pig balancing on a beach ball, while I try to suck the granules off of the pig’s back with two Crazy Straws and I’m chasing the pig with a blindfolded monkey on a tricycle who is pulling my ass which is in a Radio Flyer Big Red Classic Wagon with only three wheels.”

    You stole my damn idea for the 2012 Olympics!!!!!!!!!!

  6. I think that getting your calcium from bukake scenes would definitely be a con.

    I find pop-tarts in general seem to always be less satisfying than they look on the box. This one apparently is especially so.

  7. Seriously, I hate vanilla. I hate people who only eat vanilla ice cream and order real vanilla milkshakes and yap endlessly about how vanilla is really the best flavor.

    Vanilla makes me fall asleep and dream horrible nightmares about being trapped in an eggshell universe filled with personality-free ecru people.

    When I wake up, there’s blood spurting out of my eyes and ears, but the crimson is a pleasant change of pace.

  8. Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts.

    I have seen 2 goat fuckins and three world fairs BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT

  9. Oh yeah, and for all you daring people smugly patting yourself on the back because you order cookies and cream, I’m going to hunt you down and force feed you squid ink or horse flesh ice cream. I’m coming for you, watch your backs!!!

    I’m sorry, I’ve been bottling that up for a while now, thanks for the outlet Marvo.

  10. @NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – Pop tarts have always had vitamins and minerals in them but this is the first time they’re bragging about it. Kellogg’s is so cocky.

    @Reprobate – Frosted or un-frosted?

    @Reprobate – Oooh, they would be like slim Hot Pockets. Me likey.

    @Aimee – I would go for a pepperoni pizza pop tart.

    @Laurafizz – Barium comes in flavors? I hope someone makes chocolate titanium.

    @Becka – I hope it ends up in the 2012 Olympics because I’ve had a lot of training and I think I can get the gold.

    @Chuck – I think all warm Pop-Tarts taste better with ice cream or whipped cream.

    @armauld – I think people who only eat vanilla ice cream are also people who only have sex in the missionary position.

    @Neil – Sadly, I’ve seen two goats fucking too.

    @armauld – You’re welcome?

  11. That sounds interesting.. I like the strawberry or raspberry poptars with frosting.. or sometimes the smores.. only cause there is marshmellows. 🙂

    I buy omega3 eggs that are bright neon orange and give my husband nightmares… 🙂

  12. Vanilla is the worst flavor ever. I don’t understand people who at just plain vanilla ice cream or vanilla milkshakes. I judge them. I judge them harshly.

    I will now judge those that enjoy vanilla pop tarts.

  13. I like vanilla, and I don’t care who knows it. It’s a simple, simple flavor that gets a bad rap because of how it’s used today. But natural vanilla is really great…not the fake shit. Do any of you even know what vanilla is? What’s used as vanilla? I’ll tell you. Wood. The majority of basic “vanilla” in the industry comes from wood scrapings. True vanilla comes from a bean and its scrapings.

  14. the problem with vanilla, is it is MADE blandly.
    i make my own vanilla extract, straight from the best beans i can buy.
    now, if only my connection would come back to the states….

    oh, and i distinctly remember somebody making an egg and cheese sausage/bacon pop tart sort of thingee. kinda tasty, must have been back in high school, which means it was probably pillsbury. man, that puffy dude could’ve sold me ANYTHING in those days…

  15. I work at Kellogg’s and yeah…these boys are kind of gross. I’ve had two boxes in my freezer for some time now and there they remain.

    Couple of good flavors: Dulce de Leche and Guava Mango.

    Banana Split Pop-Tarts are coming down the pipeline as well…

    Maybe we’re not running out flavors as much as we ran out of fruit. We are now raping desserts of all tastes.

  16. The Milkshake ones are meant to be frozen according to a Walmart advertisment.

    Or maybe that is Walmart’s sugguestion.

  17. “Doesn’t taste like a vanilla milkshake. ”

    ^^But does it bring all the boys to the yard?

  18. @Kylie – If they came out with a Guinness Pop-Tart you’d be all over that.

    @Nevis – Yup, they would kill by jumping into a mouth and choking the enemy.

    @Lex – Bright orange neon eggs? Those make me excited.

    @Natalie – I personally think vanilla is a middle of the road flavor and I enjoy it from time to time, but just Law & Order series, it’s good to have variety.

    @dramastically – I’m sorry to disappoint you. I perhaps shall send a box of Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts to un-disappoint you.

    @Reprobate – I’m eating woody? Wait…that didn’t come out right…I should try to correct myself, but I think I would dig myself into a deeper hole.

    @Jess – Because studies have shown that the word vanilla by itself caused people to fall asleep while eating it, which is fine for vanilla ice cream, which melts away, but for Pop-Tarts, if you fall asleep eating one you could choke to death.

    @bionic bunny! – I’d like to tickle the puffy dude, then capture him, and then bake him.

    @rob – Oooh, those three flavors sound good. If there were Pop-Tarts in Japan they would have some messed up flavors.

    @fdd – Tried them frozen and they were actually worse.

    @Shannon – Milkshake are love.

    @Aimee – They wouldn’t bring my boys to the yard.

    @Nadia – Yes, we can add those. Mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy, and cranberry sauce Pop-Tarts. Damn, those would be good.

  19. So I tried these things the other week cause I am a sucker for new products. I found the inside was way too runny and left me feeling sticky – inside and out. They were a bit bland and eh. Not worth the 400 calories for the two – cause you can’t eat one. Why the hell would you say the serving size is 1 pastry when you put 2 in a package together! If you just eat one and leave the other for the next day, it gets that squishy stale thing going on and that’s even grosser than eatting a pop tart in the first place.

  20. @Heather – I usually have the willpower to only eat one. I just stick the other one in the freezer and when it gets hot I put it on my body to cool me down.

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