My first real experience with elections began in the fifth grade when I ran for class treasurer.

I felt I was the most qualified for the position, because I had always gotten really good grades in math. My opponent, on the other hand, didn’t have any qualifications, unless you count looks and popularity.

Class elections are somewhat like political elections. For example, there’s an extremely nauseating amount of campaign advertisements. Except instead of television ads, banners, and bumper stickers, the walls of our school were covered in crappy posters made out of construction paper and colored felt-tip pens.

We even had a “debate,” which really wasn’t a debate. It was basically a two-minute statement about why we would make a good treasurer, which no one really paid attention to.

On election day, I felt confident about my chances. However, despite the crappy posters, the flyers I passed out during recesses, and my two-minute statement about why I would make a good treasurer, I lost by a landslide.

My opponent won so easily that it was like he didn’t have an opponent at all.

After years of following political campaigns, I now realize where I messed up. Instead of focusing on why I would’ve made a good treasurer, I should’ve focused on why my opponent would’ve made a bad one.

I should’ve pointed out that my opponent didn’t pay attention in class, didn’t do his homework, got into fights, made out with his girlfriend behind one of the classrooms, and got D’s math.

Why didn’t Ms. Zimmermann, my fifth grade teacher, teach this in social studies? Why didn’t I learn the best way to beat an opponent is to point out their flaws? I might’ve won if I had bashed my opponent’s character.

Damn you, Ms. Zimmermann! Damn you!

So what’s the whole point of this story?

No point. It’s just that the pain from that ass-whooping still hurts.

Anyway, if you’re registered to vote in the United States, please read up on each candidate and find out what they believe in. Don’t listen to polls, celebrities, spin-doctors, or political pundits.

Enny, meenie, minny, moe, catch a tiger by its toe, works for dodgeball, but it doesn’t work for elections. Make YOUR OWN educated decision and vote tomorrow.

Also, if any of you vote for ANY of the write-in presidential candidates, please don’t EVER talk to me again.

To those who are too young to vote, I want you to remember that voting is cool. Just think of political campaigns as one long episode of American Idol. For example, think of Ralph Nader as the William Hung of the presidential election. He has no chance in hell of winning, but yet many love him for some strange reason.

Oh wait. One more thing…

I’m Marvo and I approved this message.

Item: Voting
Purchase Price: Free (Must fill out easy application)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: You get to participate in democracy. Have your voice heard, which gets lost with the millions of other voters, spin-doctors, and political pundits. You won’t die.
Cons: Waiting in line is a possibility, unless you do absentee voting. May lead to Supreme Court decision and delayed results.

9 thoughts to “Voting”

  1. Bad luck about your treasurer defeat – sounds like a Simpsons moment: “One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like a recount?” I feel your pain, I was never elected anything either. But, on the good side, it meant that I never had the weight of responsibility (followed by inevitable disappointment) on my shoulders.

  2. Sounds exactly like me, running for 7th grade Secretary. I tried–and my speech was well thought out. But I couldn’t compete with the “cool” Aqua Net queen against whom I ran. Gack. It ruined me. Not really. But still…

  3. Hi Marvo and Shelly, I’d like to cast my vote for you for 5th grade treasurer and 7th grade secretary, respectively. Retroactively. What? I can’t vote? I want my provisonal ballot!

  4. Jenny – Yeah, I guess you’re right. Responsibility sucks.

    Ian – I approved this message, but I don’t think I should’ve. After all, it’s not really a review. It’s just my attempt to bring in the political bloggers.

    shelly – Damn popular people. Although I was popular. Popular for being the biggest nerd.

    amy – Even if you could’ve voted, it wouldn’t have mattered. Unless you decided to cheat for me.

  5. Thanks for reminding me about not going out for anything in high school. Mainly for the fact that I would have lost because I hung out with the “people who would bring a gun into school and start shooting” group. Oh well, I didnt miss much.

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