Hey! Whole Grain! Yeah, I’m talking to you!
You don’t think I notice you invading our breakfast cereals with your whole graininess? Turning our sacred sugary cereals into semi-healthy sunrise suppers. And now you’re slowly creeping into our snacks, like with these new 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!
It’s not just me who’s noticing your sneaky acts. Impulsive Buy reader Allison let me know about you putting yourself into WHITE BREAD. WTF!?! You’ve created wheat white bread. It’s like frickin’ Frankenbread.
Is nothing sacred to you?
It’s like you’re the male town slut and you’re just going around town, dropping your seed into as many things as possible, leaving behind a bunch of illegitimate children, who aren’t very bright, attractive, or tasty, and will probably end up in prison.
Sure, you made the Chips Ahoy! slightly healthier, but I don’t eat cookies for dietary fiber, I eat them because I need to indulge or need to forget the new Ashlee Simpson song or need something to throw when the video of the new Ashlee Simpson song is being played on TV.
Because of you, junk food will lose its luster and I will need a new vice for those times when I’m sitting in front of the TV and watching G-String Divas or Taxicab Confessions on HBO. Maybe I’ll resort to drugs or alcohol or licking envelopes.
If there’s nothing wrong with you dropping your seed into Chips Ahoy!, then why does it say on the packaging, “Real Chocolate Chip Cookies”? Why do I need to be convinced that they’re real chocolate chip cookies?
To be honest, the 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy! don’t look like chocolate chip cookies, they actually look like oatmeal raisin cookies. As for the taste, it’s okay, but regular Chips Ahoy! taste better. There’s also that whole grain texture. I think I actually felt whole grains in my mouth.
See, like I said, you’re producing children that aren’t attractive or tasty.
At least the cookies came in two individually wrapped packs, or as I like to call them, a double barrel of cookies. This made it easier to take cookies with me, just in case I need to feed a bum or Nicole Richie.
I don’t know what else you plan to put your whole grain member into, but let me tell you, if you drop your seed into an Oreo, I will find you and personally castrate you.
Item: 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!
Purchase Price: $4.00 (slightly on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: All right tasting. Baked with 100% whole grain. Two grams of dietary fiber. Individually wrapped barrels of cookies.
Cons: Not attractive, looks like oatmeal raisin cookies. Weird whole grain texture. Healthier than regular Chips Ahoy! Not a good snack to indulge with. Nicole Richie’s weight.