100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

Hey! Whole Grain! Yeah, I’m talking to you!

You don’t think I notice you invading our breakfast cereals with your whole graininess? Turning our sacred sugary cereals into semi-healthy sunrise suppers. And now you’re slowly creeping into our snacks, like with these new 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

It’s not just me who’s noticing your sneaky acts. Impulsive Buy reader Allison let me know about you putting yourself into WHITE BREAD. WTF!?! You’ve created wheat white bread. It’s like frickin’ Frankenbread.

Is nothing sacred to you?

It’s like you’re the male town slut and you’re just going around town, dropping your seed into as many things as possible, leaving behind a bunch of illegitimate children, who aren’t very bright, attractive, or tasty, and will probably end up in prison.

Sure, you made the Chips Ahoy! slightly healthier, but I don’t eat cookies for dietary fiber, I eat them because I need to indulge or need to forget the new Ashlee Simpson song or need something to throw when the video of the new Ashlee Simpson song is being played on TV.

Because of you, junk food will lose its luster and I will need a new vice for those times when I’m sitting in front of the TV and watching G-String Divas or Taxicab Confessions on HBO. Maybe I’ll resort to drugs or alcohol or licking envelopes.

If there’s nothing wrong with you dropping your seed into Chips Ahoy!, then why does it say on the packaging, “Real Chocolate Chip Cookies”? Why do I need to be convinced that they’re real chocolate chip cookies?

To be honest, the 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy! don’t look like chocolate chip cookies, they actually look like oatmeal raisin cookies. As for the taste, it’s okay, but regular Chips Ahoy! taste better. There’s also that whole grain texture. I think I actually felt whole grains in my mouth.

See, like I said, you’re producing children that aren’t attractive or tasty.

At least the cookies came in two individually wrapped packs, or as I like to call them, a double barrel of cookies. This made it easier to take cookies with me, just in case I need to feed a bum or Nicole Richie.

I don’t know what else you plan to put your whole grain member into, but let me tell you, if you drop your seed into an Oreo, I will find you and personally castrate you.

Item: 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!
Purchase Price: $4.00 (slightly on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: All right tasting. Baked with 100% whole grain. Two grams of dietary fiber. Individually wrapped barrels of cookies.
Cons: Not attractive, looks like oatmeal raisin cookies. Weird whole grain texture. Healthier than regular Chips Ahoy! Not a good snack to indulge with. Nicole Richie’s weight.

28 thoughts to “100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!”

  1. The two-pack might be convenient if you had to feed Kirstie Alley or Anna Nicole Smith also. But in that case, you’d probably need the whole box…actually, maybe three or four boxes.

  2. Cookies should not be good for you. There should be a law. Whole grain and chocolate do not belong together. Next thing you know, they’re going to make chocolate frosted brussel sprouts, or sugar coated spinach. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. I think another small piece of hell froze over with this one. If they keep this shit up, the end of the world will be here before we know it.

  3. I prefer the 50% whole grain fake chocolate chip cookies – this way I’m guaranteed something that’s bad for me in at least part of it. Washing it down with a cold beer doesn’t hurt either.

  4. Personally, I don’t mind healthy snacks, but this whole grain goodness thing is going too far. There is nothing that you can do to make a cookie healthy. I bet if you look at the nutrition info they’re somehow worse for you. Now, along these lines, I have to agree with Amy in GA – cookies should be unhealthy by law. Save the whole grain goodness for cereal.

  5. “I don’t know what else you plan to put your whole grain member into,”

    whole grain member!

    haahahahahahahahaha you are my hero, marvo

    can we outlaw math too, while we’re at it?

  6. Who knew whole grains that are healthy and good for you could be such sluts, spreading their seeds into all that is purely bad, such as cookies? Perhaps there could be some kind of AIDS epidemic to kill off these whole grains!!

  7. I’m one of those purists. Healthy food is healthy food and treats are bad. If you happen to enjoy something healthy as a treat, well that’s your own issue. (I do eat frozen peas and frozen corn as a snack sometimes.)

    The big issue is when they make stuff “healthier” they’re making it less tasty.

    I have nothing against oatmeal cookies and go ahead and make them with chocolate chips. But mucking around with real chocolate chip cookies is wrong.

    Won’t someone please think of the children!

  8. i guess it’s one of those things i would feed my kids (if i had kids) and hope they think it’s just the finest indulgence. during your review, i kept thinking to oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. those are fine and well and not as indulgent as regular chips ahoy. okay, the ill wind blows no good… or something like that.

  9. I prefer wheat bread to white bread (and I’m trying to find more whole wheat pasta) as I find the taste and texture much more interesting than plain white bread. Hence the phrase “boring as white bread.” However, combining whole grains is a noble idea, but often makes the whole less than the sum of its parts (yes it makes sense). I guess the cranberry has lost its status as the town slut, or the foodie-version of Paris Hilton if you have to insult someone (I actually like her though), showing up everywhere for no good reason.

  10. Whole grain chocolate chip cookies?


    I’m waiting for the day that they introduce whole grain Coke, whole grain Crisco, and whole grain Spam. And then my head will explode, much like when I hear the Chewbacca Defense.

    Ok, my head won’t really explode. I just like saying, “Chewbacca Defense”.

  11. Goddamnit, if you want to eat healthy, stop eating damn cookies. By altering the basic nature of the cookie, everyone suffers. Imagine, walking into the store, you got cut off in traffic, your internet has got 9 kinds of schizo, and your boss bitched at you for something that wasn’t your fault. You NEED chips ahoy, and from down the aisle you spot a box. Your heart lifts, you start to think maybe things might not be so bad. Breaking into a smile, you scoop up the package, only to discover that “100% whole grain” lable.

    I think that’s a defense for justifiable homicide.

  12. I think I would be more cool with Chocolate Chip cookies invading Whole Wheat bread than bread invading chocolate chip cookies. There’s probably a bigger market for Chocolate Chip Bread anyhow. I’m up for some peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwiches.

    Man, yeah.. you said “whole grain member”… that has got to be the highlight of my week.

  13. Hm, I wonder whether, in order to make up for the extra heaviness of whole grain, they had to add in extra butter (or whatever shortening-like-material they employ) so the cookies wouldn’t end up too dry. In which case, the fat content would be higher than regular Chips Ahoy! cookies, and I don’t know that these whole grain cookies would really be any better for you after all. The devil is in the details…

  14. Mir – Impulsive Buy reader Damon would feed them to his dogs.

    Chuck – Yes, give each of them a pack and then RUN AWAY!!!

    Amy in GA – Yes, I agree, just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. It’s like Britney and Kevin. Just because you can get pregnant, doesn’t mean you should. And I’m definitely not calling Britney a MILF.

    Lee – But are you washing it down with cold light beer. I think everything balances out that way.

    Pel – There’s 100% Whole Grain Wheat Thins, but it would be funny if there were actually 100% Whole Grain Triscuit, which I think is already 100% whole grain.

    caitlin – We don’t need to outlaw math, but I am boycotting it, because it makes me have to use a part of my brain that I don’t want to use.

  15. Sasha_Kitty – I don’t want to totally get rid of whole grains, because they help me poop better. 🙂

    cybele – I now eat carrots as a snack, instead of Pringles. I miss Pringles.

    wyn – I think kids today are deprived. We all got to eat the 100% unhealthy versions of stuff, but today’s kids seem to be getting the opposite. Oh, if they only knew what they were missing.

    klew – Growing up I ate a lot of white bread and thought it was good stuff, but when I became an adult, I switched to wheat. I picked up some white bread earlier this year and it was about a decade since I had white bread. I really didn’t like it. It was “boring as white bread.”

    Toni – Oh, that Chewbacca Defense. Works every time!

  16. Genny From the Burbs – I always get cut off in traffic. I’m gonna need a whole lot of Chips Ahoy!…Or a bigger middle finger.

    Bryan – Mmm…Chocolate chip bread would make great chocolate chip french toast. 🙂

    Karen – Some Snackwell stuff aren’t bad, but I just can’t think of which ones they were.

    missy – If Oreos go whole grain, a little piece of me will die.

    Mellie Helen – The fat content of the 100% whole grain is almost the same as regular Chips Ahoy!, except the regular stuff has some of the evil trans fat.

  17. In case I have to feed…Nicole Richie. I enjoyed that line so much I read it twice then laughed outloud. Then the whole grain member comment sent me into hysterics. By the way I’ll be leaving these cookies on the shelf at the market.

  18. I don’t want friggin’ fiber in my junk food, I want junk. Next thing, they’ll put fiber in potato chips and ice cream and we’ll be running to the bathroom like we ate a roll of sugar-free Life Savers.

  19. KENT – Yes, leave them on the shelf, so that when Nicole Richie finally snaps and goes on an eating binge, there will be plenty of food for her.

    nat – Actually, Pringles has a respectable amount of fiber, although not enough to make me run to the bathroom. That job is taken by Fat Free Pringles.

  20. People you DON’T have to buy or eat the cookies. The regular Chips Ahoy are still out there for you to consume. I never understood how so many people can complain about something they don’t even have to try. Why be so negative in life or cause unneccessary drama? Buy the old cookies, leave the new ones for those of us who want a little extra whole grain in our diet. Everyone will be happy.

  21. But Chica,
    The drama is the most fun part! If we didn’t have drama, we wouldn’t have Kirstie Alley, or Brittney and Kevin, what fun would life be then?

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