Dear Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts,
Everyone goes through changes, and recently, I’ve gone through a change. During this change, I realized that you aren’t what I’m looking for. You’re not “the one.”
You were delicious and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I will always remember the great times we had.
When you were hot and toasted, I liked spreading you open and licking your gooey strawberry milkshake-flavored center. When you were frozen, I enjoyed nibbling on your crust. Also, there was that time, in the heat of the moment, I tried to rip off your foil packaging to eat you, but it wouldn’t come off. We laughed as I used the scissors to get it off.
You have to agree that those were some good times we had.
I thought we had a lot in common, but it turned out that the only thing we had in common was both liking Green Day. Although, the only Green Day songs you knew were the ones on the American Idiot album. I couldn’t believe you didn’t know any of the songs from Dookie.
Long View? Basket Case? When I Come Around? Welcome to Paradise?
But I guess I should’ve expected that since you’re much younger than I am.
Also, I didn’t realize the excessive amount of pink stuff you have. When I first met you, I thought you looked really hot in that pink outfit you wore, with pink glitter all over your body. Then the next time, you wore another pink outfit. Then another. Then another.
Oh wait. You’re too young to remember the Dumbo reference.
Anyway, your place had so much pink that it made me feel like I was either in the Barbie Dream House, surrounded by cotton candy, or in Hello Kitty’s pants.
Not even Pink has as much pink stuff as you do.
There’s also something else I have to admit that you might not like. I was sort of using you.
You see, I really like Pop-Tarts with chocolate, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to know if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, but it wasn’t. I really do prefer Pop-Tarts with chocolate, especially Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, and I now know that, “Once you go choco-LATE, there’s no debate.”
Look, these things may have bothered me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever find the right guy. There are many fish in the ocean and I’m sure there’s a guy out there who likes pink as much as you do and will treat you the way you deserve.
Well I hope this letter hasn’t hurt you too much, but I felt that you needed to hear the truth. We may not be together, but I hope that we can continue to be friends.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers, Zanjero, Joseph, and Lane for introducing me to Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts.)
Item: Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $1.69 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good and chewy when frozen. Good and gooey when toasted. A change from all the chocolate Pop-Tarts.
Cons: Way too much pink. Not better than chocolate Pop-Tarts. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. A broken Pop-Tart heart.