The Shopping Cart #3

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ’em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ’em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.

24 thoughts to “The Shopping Cart #3”

  1. Hee hee. Kickin’ up ashes in the urns over sticks of shame, there’s gotta be some kind of mad crazy rhyme to be built around that scenario somewhere. I’ve never gotten on the Weird Al bus. My good friend has all of them, and Al really does have skillz, I can recognize that. However, humor music has never done it for me. I don’t really groove on Tenacious D either and never got into Sandler’s stuff either. My wife, Lee, is a big fan of the D though, so I’ll probably have to go see that damned movie ;-p

  2. I have a hard time with the longer plastic chopsticks as well… the shorter wooden ones are easier for me. I need short wood, hehe. I didn’t learn how to use chopsticks until 6th grade. I think my mom was relieved as it would have had my J ancestors spinning too.

    and Dungeons and Dragons = underrated

  3. I love, love, LOVE “White & Nerdy”! If I ever decide to torture myself by trying online dating again, I will cite every line of that song as what I’m NOT looking for.

    Weird Al is one of the greatest talents of our generation. I suppose believing that makes me slightly nerdy, but that’s alright.

  4. White and Nerdy is like an internet geek’s checklist.

    Edit Wikipedia? Check.

    Quote Holy Grail? Check.

    Myspace? Check.

    Shopping online for deals? Check.

    The list can go on and on..

  5. I guess I should be proud of myself– my family is VERY midwest (wisconsin and illinois) oriented and I can use chopsticks like a pro! ^_^

    Oh, that white and nerdy song.. sounds like my daily routine! :-[
    I’m so white and nerdy.

    But wouldn’t you agree that this “weird al” fellow is producing some fantastic music? One might even call them “phat beats” 😀

  6. I can almost use chopsticks. Sorta.. Well, ok.. I tend to stab things with em too.. And with rice, I’ve on occasion tried using four of them at the same time, kinda fanning em out like a wooden fork. Oh well. Seen the video there a few few times. Good stuff.. Wierd Al definitely deserves ‘mad stupid dumb retarded ass props in the hood, yo.’

    People say that, right?

    Actually.. I do have an atleast semi-serious question for you- What’s it like to live in Hawaii? I may have the opportunity to be station on the island in the somwehat near future, would like to have some idea of what it’s like, never been before.

  7. I love chopsticks. Granted, I use something of a shoveling technique, but who cares. Like KT, my Chicago family is all about forks, so I use my chopsticks with pride.

    Damn, Weird Al is still around? I gotta give him credit, I didn’t think he could do better than “Headline News.” Is it sad that I know more about him than Chamillionaire?

    By the way, thanks for schooling us all on the lyrics. I’ve never felt less suburban. LOL.

  8. L’il E – I’m a big fan of humor music. I’ve been really into comedian Stephen Lynch for the past few years. His songs are demented and funny. Hey, just to let you know Black Sheep released their new single on iTunes, incase you wanted to hear it. It’s also on their MySpace page.

    Webmiztris – He also looks better without the caucasian jheri curls. I remember seeing his Like A Surgeon video on TBS Night Tracks in the 1980s.

    Bryan – Pokemon = for little kids

    Mandy – Yes, I also think Weird Al is one of the greatest talents of our generation. I’d like to see him perform live one of these days.

    Lord Jezo – I so want to edit Wikipedia and have a Marvo/Impulsive Buy entry. That would be so vain…and would probably be deleted.

    Robyn – Well tell your friend’s friend that it’s a really cool shirt and if she does live in Hawaii, I hope I run into her when I’m wearing the shirt.

    KT – As a musician, I’m pretty sure you would know what’s considered fantastic music, and you are correct about Weird Al’s talent.

    Andy – What’s it like to live in Hawaii? Well the weather is humid, it’s sunny about 80 percent of the time, majority of the people are nice, large military presence, and if you’re an outdoorsy kind of person, there’s lots to do. It’s not a boring place. I think you’d enjoy it. Although, it would be the first place North Korea would probably hit, if they ever get their long-range missiles to work properly, which will probably never happen.

    Brie – Weird Al has so many great songs. I like to call him the King of Parody.

  9. Wicked awesome! Thanks for the heads up, I’m buying that puppy now!

    I feel like something’s wrong with me. I love comedy. I love music. But, I’ve never been able to groove on what happens when music’s chocolate gets in comedy’s peanut butter. I think Al is actually a really talented musician though, and a very funny comedian. Maybe someday I’ll break through the inner barrier that keeps me from so much enjoyment. Perhaps with the help of The Impuslive Buy that is!

  10. Looks like SOMEONE used a machine translation. It actually says “I cannot use chopsticks. D: [which is wholly incomprehensible to Japanese speakers, as well as most English speakers] For the sake of that, fire comes out of my face.”

    Actually more awesome (because of the flame-shooting), and it’s kind of a fun play on the styling of your average Engrish shirt — it looks ever so similar, and also the Japanese is as broken as the English tends to be.

  11. I put this blog in my bookmarks last year and I just randomly went to it tonight. I wasn’t expecting to see the t-shirt my longtime live journal friend created!

  12. I *love* that song! I only apply to the “nerdy” part! ^_^; Have you heard “You’re Pitiful”? (The one the record execs don’t want you to hear!) Go to his website at and you can download for free.

  13. Marvo: hahah, awesome another Japanese person who can’t use chopsticks!!! 😀 I’m happy I’m not the only one! Dude, if I see you walking around town with it, I will probably flip out with excitement at seeing someone in public [that isn’t a friend or family member] wearing my shirt, and start screaming or something and then you’ll think I’m some kind of psycho and run for your life. haha 😀

    Anyhoo, in closing, thanks for purchasing my shirt and the blog mention!! 😀

    ps- I just got the Weird Al album earlier this week! Besides “White and Nerdy” (haha, my brother said that many of Al’s mannerisms in the video reminded him of ME. Apparently I’m just a big ol’ katonk. hahah), I really loved his parody of “Trapped in the Closet”! That was wonderful.

    And now to reply to other people! (although who knows if anyone will read this, what with my slow ass replying. haha)

    Robyn: haha, what a small world! Are you Matt’s friend? 😀 (or, failing that, perhaps Jay’s friend?)

    Greg: Your comment was half right/half wrong 🙂 I didn’t use a translator, I consulted my cousin (who is fluent in Japanese) to create a phrase that makes sense, but just sounds unnatural/weird, much like Engrish! And the “fire comes out of my face” phrase is the literal translation, but if you put the text into a J/E dictionary, it’ll show up as a figure of speech which does mean “my face burns with shame” 😀 (who knows how common it is, though! hahaha But ah well.) much like English, the Japanese have fun sayings as well.

    Anita: Hey buddy! Thanks for linking me here!! 😀

  14. We heard the White and Nerdy song a few weeks, and it cracks me up! that’s by far, one of Al’s best remakes!
    Now for those chopsticks….get the ones with the little rolled up piece of paper inbetween them bound by a rubber band. (like the children use). At least that way your ancestors will quit making such a damned dusty mess everywhere!

  15. I actually think that North Korea would bomb Guam first…afterall, we got the nukes there to bomb them back…or at least catch those missles mid air.

    You should be ashamed that you can’t use chopsticks…althought I hadn’t noticed that when we hung out together.

    I was in a sushi bar on Van Ness when the Japanese man next to me said I used chopsticks better than any Japanese then continued to tell me “You’re great. I want to be just like you.” I wasn’t sure if he meant my stellar command of English or that he wanted boobs. Anyway I got a lot of free sake out of it…using chopsticks well pays off.

  16. I think at some dollar-asian stores they have the training chopsticks set for little kids. They have holders for where your fingers go in 😀

    Maybe you could practice with those?

  17. I have actually seen Weird Al in concert and he is very funny. The video was great, Marvo, thanks for the link. Nothing like a little Weird Al to help improve your mood!

  18. L’il E – The Impulsive Buy also helps with insomnia.

    Greg – Engrish…that’s a funny word. Me not being able to use chopsticks like my ancestors…not funny.

    Anita Rose – Usually, you’re more likely to hear a bad K-Fed or Britney joke during every visit.

    Angel H. – Yup, downloaded that. “But you’ll always have a job, well I mean, as long as you can still work that Slurpee machine.”

    Candace – To increase the chances of “seeing” me wear the shirt, I’ll wear it every time I go out and not ever wash it, so if you don’t see me wearing it, you might be able to smell me wearing it.

    Suzanne – There are these training chopstick that connect together at a curve at one end, but come in bright fluorescent colors, letting everyone know who the crappy chopstick user is.

    Gia in the City by the Bay – When we hung out, I used the fork when you weren’t looking. Also, I think you’re right about North Korea bombing Guam first, but couldn’t they bomb Hawaii and Guam at the same time?

    SAFFE – As long as they don’t have Mickey Mouse or Hello Kitty on them, I’ll all over that.

    Chuck – Yes, take two Weird Al videos and everything will be better.

  19. Robyn: Ohh!! Okay!! 🙂 haha, so many people named Robyn, sorry about that! ^_^; Anyhoo, hi there! 😀 I’m so slow, Julie emailed me a few weeks ago and I still gotta reply to her! If you talk to her before I get to email (haha, pending you see this comment; again with my slowness in replying!), tell her I’m sorry for the delay!! ^_^;

  20. (haha, case in point, once more, of how slow I am: I started writing that previous comment several hours ago, and upon posting it, saw another comment to reply to! Anyhoo.)

    Marvo: ahahahah, PERFECT! “Hmmm… I smell something, I think it is a face burning with shame!!… that, or garbage burning… also with shame.”

    Hopefully I won’t see you in an area where many homeless people frequent, lest I just think you are another random hobo! 😀

  21. Candace – Don’t worry, I avoid A’ala Park and Ala Moana Beach Park. Also, if a hobo is wearing your Sticks of Shame shirt, I have to wonder how that hobo got access to the internet.

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